A&K

Thank you all. I found Allen. He did it in the basement while I was out with the boys. No note. He was the strong one. After losing his mom and then finding his dad had suicided just really devastated him. And losing the kids was an ache for him too but he was the strong one. I leaned on him. Where do I lean now. Who do I go to. How do I accept this. Will I be good enough for the kids. Ryan is a baby. Caleb is nine and angry. And how can I bring our babygirl into this world in dec when her daddy is gone. Im pretty sure I’m in shock. Making plans. Contacting people. It’s hard to step up alone. I’m grateful for my sister who’s helping out.

Thank you. Yes I’ve got my parents and siblings who are helping out. Caleb has chosen to stay with his grandparents. Which is fine with me.

He followed in his father’s footsteps and took his own life yesterday. My husband and soulmate. Why... I don’t know because he didn’t talk to me. I had to explain to our nine year old son why his daddy wasn’t coming home. Caleb is devastated and knows his dad did the same thing his Grampy did. How much more does my son have to endure. What will I tell Ryan when he’s older. What will I tell our unborn daughter one day. What do I tell myself to make sense of this. I’m devastated and angry and numb. I see my therapist tomorrow but I have to make plans and I need to make certain Caleb is ok.

Thank you Kay. Allen and I are so aching for our Gracie right now. My mother heart misses all our angels. But Gracie’s and Noah’s are really stinging to me. I still feel so responsible for Noah’s not wearing a helmet and his accident. And I couldn’t keep Gracie healthy. She was our rainbow 🌈. And now Ryan is. And in Dec. Riley Grace will be. I can’t wait to have a new baby to hold and have Caleb love on. But right now our hearts ache. 💔😢

It’s been ten long months since our baby girl joined the angels in heaven. We are expecting a new baby girl in December. We have her name picked out now. Riley Grace. Grace after our dear Gracie. Imiss her so much. My pregnancy hormones are raging. I’m super emotional. Katie

This is Katie. I’m grieving for Gracie and Noah and the twins. But my husband and nine year old son are both grieving for my FIL. Butch is deeply missed. And we want to know why he took his life and couldn’t stay with us. This pain is grueling. I want my family back. I want joy and freedom and everything. 😢💔

My father committed suicide. Breaking my heart and the hearts of my wife and oldest living son. Caleb has gone through nothing but hell these last several months. I found my father when he shot himself. I have been dealing with a lot of anger. I was unfaithful to my wife. She has the love to forgive me. I don’t know where she finds such forgiveness. My anger at my Dad is mixed with guilt. And anguish. I’m angry that he left this world selfishly without thinking of Caleb particularly. He’s only nine and struggles daily. He’s been inpatient several times. His life is a painful struggle and there is nothing his mom or I can manage to do to comfort him. THIS is why I’m so angry. Then I feel guilty. It’s a vicious cycle. I miss my mom and dad every day. 😞

We both miss our children. 😢

Thank you Marty and Kay i feel like a bad mommy for not being that upset on April 2nd the first year angelversary of Noah’s passing. It’s 8 1/2 months since Gracie passed and I’m already dreading September 11th being one year. Kay maybe you’re right in that I knew Noah was brain dead and couldn’t survive. But that breaks my mommy heart. I’m just now getting into talking about our children’s deaths in therapy. It’s so hard. Ryan is the love of my life as well as Caleb and seeing their faces and genetic similarities makes it difficult for sure.

I’m missing our baby girl Gracie so much. I miss all of the kids but today Gracie’s loss is overwhelming my broken heart. I came across a pic of her and she looks like her baby brother Ryan. I look at Ryan and my heart sinks because of the resemblance to Gracie. She was such a happy baby. So many loved her. My heart is just broken. It has been Eight months and 13 Days. It feels like yesterday and years ago all at the same time. And why am I missing her more than Lily and Lila and Noah? I must be a horrible mommy. Katie The first four is Gracie The others are Ryan 😢💔

Thanks ladies. I’m not really angry anymore. I just am sad and broken that Our son Has to face these challenges now and the rest of his life. Mental illness is no joke. And obviously runs in family with both of Allen’s parents. Thank you for your kindness as always. Allen and I had a session with Caleb at the hospital today.

Caleb is inpatient again at Yale children’s hospital because he self harmed himself. His bipolar and depression is super bad again. My husband and I are so angry that God has put our sweet boy through this agony. He needs to get stable enough to return home. It just breaks my heart. On top of the psych issues he doesn’t understand why his Grammy and Grampy died and his big brother and little sisters. We are all heartbroken. 💔😢 Katie.

Thank you Marty for your warm words. ❤️

My mother heart is breaking. Lily Lila Gracie and Noah should be here. I am their Momma and I couldn’t save them. My loves. 💔😢.

Yes Ry looks very much like Gracie. It sometimes hurts to see so much of her in him. But at the same time what an honor. He will know about his big sisters. All three of them. And all about Noah. Allen and I will make certain of that. Allen is back with us at the house. I am working on forgiveness and we are starting counseling next week. It’s a difficult feat. Caleb is doing well with his therapy.

I think when I get back home I will try therapy with Allen. I don’t want a divorce. It’s just hard to forgive and trust him.

Yes I’m with my parents Kay. Caleb is actually doing pretty well and stable. Thank God because I’m not doing well. The kids are enjoying being in Florida

I haven’t posted in a while. First I should tell you that Allen and I are separated due to his infidelity. I don’t think I want divorce. He said he’d do therapy so I may do that. I have Caleb and Ryan. We are actually in Florida right now on a getaway. Ive been missing Noah and Gracie immensely lately. No more than ordinarily just it’s hurting a lot. Ryan is reminding me so much like Gracie and Caleb reminds me of Noah. No one should have to lose a child. Never mind four children. I’m just hurting a lot right now. I want to sink in a hole and hide. Not get out of bed. I guess its normal. Katie

Allen has chosen to leave me for a while. He’s still seeing Caleb and Ryan but he says he can’t be around me right now. Says it’s not me. But it sure feels like it’s my fault. My priority is to make sure our boys are thriving. Allen is not thriving. And I don’t know how to fix my husband whom I love more than words. I asked him tonight if he loves me and his reply was I’m not sure. 😢 If grief does this to families I hate it. Grief killed my FIL and it’s tried to destroy my son’s spirit. And it’s ruining my marriage. I HATE GRIEF.

Thank you. I’m trying to give Allen the space he needs. I keep asking what he needs. And he says he doesn’t know. Just space. I’m ok. I mean I have friends and my parents. Allen and Caleb are bonding a lot right now. That’s a positive thing for both.

Thanks Kay. Caleb is doing great. He’s very attached to Ryan and to his daddy. He wants to go back to public school. We are going to respect his decision.

Allen is a very angry man right now. Rightfully so. But he quit therapy. I can’t force him to go back. He works comes home plays with Caleb and Ryan and puts them to bed. But with me he’s rigid cold and angry. I know it was my fault Noah died. Maybe it’s my fault the girls and Gracie died because I didn’t carry them long enough. But that was not in my hands. He gets upset at my fear and sadness. I know his anger is stemming from finding his Dad dead. But yesterday was six months since Gracie died. 💔😢

These are recent pics of Ryan. He looks and acts just like Gracie did. He touches my soul with so much joy. However I’m so terrified of losing him like we lost Gracie. I thought you’d enjoy seeing him. In all his elements. PS— he loves spaghetti 😜 Katie

Thank you ladies for your kind words and understanding. KarenK I’m so sorry you too lost a child. I’m so very sorry. Allen knows he can’t fix things or my heart. He is helpless to fix any of the agony. But he takes after his Dad in that respect. 😢