A&K

This evening is one month since my Allen committed suicide and I can’t get the image of finding him out of my head. It’s only a month I know but it feels like forever. I want to understand. I think in a way I understand a little because I’m in unbearable heartache and don’t want to go on anymore. But it stop there. It stops with my children. I won’t. I can’t do it to my boys and baby girl Riley Grace fighting to survive inside me. One month... I wonder how others were at one month. Heartbroken scared numb shock overwhelmed etc... baby girl is calming down. Maybe in a couple days I will be able to go home to my boys. But Dr said complete bedrest and I will stay on terbutaline for rest of pregnancy. My girlfriend said she would stay with my and the boys when I go home. I’m blessed. Katie

I’m laying in my hospital bed feeling baby girl move and feeling small contractions that shouldn’t be happening yet and I ask myself why I can’t just be over this pain and grief. I’m responsible for this baby girl. But I can’t get over the pain for my dear Allen and losing Lily Lila Noah and Gracie. I can’t even say this baby girls name because Allen named her just before his suicide. Her daddy isn’t here waiting for her. He should be. 😢

@MartyT thank for the article. Thanks for all you share. Katie.

I’m still in the hospital. Baby girl is still in distress. I’m on terbutaline for some contractions that are going on. I’m trying to not be upset but this grief and heartbreak is making things so hard. I miss my boys. They are with my best friend.

I’m in the hospital as baby girl is in a little distress because I’m having asthma and bronchitis breathing issues. They are keeping me to keep an eye on things for both of us. Having breathing treatments and started on antibiotic. Baby girl should relax as my breathing improves.

I can’t thank everyone enough for opening their hearts to me and my kids at this time when your own hearts are hurting. It means so much to me. Truly. ♥️

Hugs to you Ms Marg. Thank you for all your words. I send you warm fuzzy hugs. ♥️

Is it normal to feel completely overwhelmed with agony yet numb and shocked all at once?

I managed to nap for an hour with Ryan and Caleb. I think I’m going to have to get Caleb back to school because I just don’t have it in me to homeschool him without his daddy. I think it will be good for him to be around others. Yes I do know how long it will take for me to see relief from this heartache. One second at a time is all I’m capable of. I just hope I can be a good mommy.

It’s 7am and I got no sleep again. Caleb just climbed into bed with Ryan and I. I don’t know how to be without my love. He took care of so many things. Now EVERYTHING falls on me. It’s so overwhelming. And on the other hand it’s like I don’t care about EVERYTHING because I can’t wrap my head around his suicide. Oh my heart. 💔😢

I’m having another sleepless night. Forgive my multiple posts. Im holding Ryan as tries to settle. He’s 14 mos old and he keeps saying Dada. He misses his daddy. Dada was his first word. He’s feeling my heartbreak and Caleb’s too. I’m sure. And I can’t do anything. I’m such a bad mommy. Allen could always get the kids to settle before I could if they were having a hard time. My heart is so shattered. My life is shattered. I know I know I keep posting the same stuff. How much it all hurts. I’m sorry... 😢

This song says so much in losing the kids and Allen. 💔

Thank you Gwen ♥️

Here I am sleepless and in tears again. Theres no relief. 💔💔💔😢😢😢

Welcome. I’m sorry for the loss of your Mark. Keep posting. Everyone is supportive here. I like the graphic. Elequently true. Katie

I miss my twins. This is the anniversary time when they went to heaven. And Sept will be a year since Gracie went to heaven. And of course I still feel so guilty for Noah’s passing because I didn’t make sure he was wearing his helmet. I miss my kids. They were all my babies. Yes I still have Caleb and Ryan and This baby girl due in December. And I treasure them. So much. But my heart hurts so much there aren’t adequate words to describe. I met a couple people in the new grief group yesterday who’ve lost children and a couple people who’ve lost their husband. So I think the group may be helpful. I just want to hold my babies once again. I want to turn back time. 😢💔 Katie.

I’m so sorry for your pain. I wish I could answer your “what’s the point” question. I have the same question. The only answer I have is I’ve got to go on for my children. I wish you peace and comfort. Come here often as we all get it. Katie

It’s almost 2am and I’m laying in bed on Allen’s side of the bed sobbing and wishing I could go be with him. I can’t take this pain. I guess this never gets easier. There’s got to be a way to stop the pain. 😢💔

Thanks Kay. I finally am able to sign in and post. Don’t know why I couldn’t fit several hrs. I went to my first grief group today. It was difficult. But I plan on attending weekly.

♥️

Marg, thank you for your sweet words and calling me Katie-girl is the sweetest. ♥️ I feel so loved by EVERYONE here.

Thank you Marita. I’ve taken your words to heart. I believe you are brave too. I don’t want you to lock yourself in a box. I think of you all the time. I should email more. I will work on that. ♥️ And hugs. I have my best friend with me. I just don’t want Caleb and Ryan to see me this upset and down. Though Caleb is old enough to understand.

Today is the worst day as of yet. I just don’t want to keep going. I am without my other half. I had to let the boys go to my parents today as I need to work through this feeling of not being able to go on. I am starting a grief and loss group tomorrow. I’m scared to go. But I promised my therapist I would give it a try. I can’t imagine the rest of life without my love. I guess life will go on. But I just don’t see how. 😞

It’s been three weeks since my love died. Since he took his life. My dear friend shared this with me tonight. She thinks I’m brave. That gift means so much. I thought I’d share this with all of you because you are all brave too. I wish I let Allen know how brave he was. Before it was too late.

Thank you all. Today it’s three weeks since he left this world, my world. Why does it feel like it’s been forever yet yesterday. I went to the cemetery. I want to crawl in the hole with him for eternity. But Lord knows I have to keep going for our kids. I just want my heart to not hurt this much. It hurts so much. 😢💔