A&K

I wrote this to my Allen. I am in so much pain 😪 My dearest sweet love, There is a terrible ache in my heart that you felt so much in pain so much so that your only way out was suicide. I just want to go back twenty days and hold you tight in my arms heart to heart hand in hand. I swear if I knew I could have helped ease your heartache. We share the same heartaches in losing our twin girls our Noah and our Gracie. I should have been more in tune to YOUR pain. But I couldn’t because I was overwhelmed by my own pain. But we shared that same pain and loss. I’m sorry I didn’t see feel or know. Why does there have to be so much pain on a person that their only relief is this thing called suicide. I mean there is no rhyme or reason. The people left behind try to find it but all they really have is utter pain. But they know suicide isn’t an answer. So why didn’t you know suicide wasn’t an answer after your dad did it. I want to scream. Not at you but for you and with you. I want you here selfishly. I want our children to have their daddy. I want you to hold me again. To make love again. To just look in each other’s eyes. I’d give anything. I’m jealous. Because you my love, have our Lily our Lila our Noah and our Gracie now and for eternity. I guess that’s what you yearned for. But I’m jealous. My heart aches. It hurts in ways so many don’t understand and don’t pretend to. You will always be my one and only love. I promise that. We named this baby girl I’m carrying. You loved the name Riley Grace. I just can’t fathom giving birth to her without you by my side. It will be one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever had to do. She will never know her daddy beyond what I will tell her. Caleb is excited to be able to share you with her as she grows up. My heart hurts so much. I’m sitting here with tears burning my eyes. Do you know how I feel? Can you hear me talking to you? Writing to you? Do you know the pain that has been left for me to grapple with? Do you know how deeply I love you in spite of the pain you’ve left behind for us? Do you know that Caleb hurts so much for you? Can you hear Ryan saying “Dada” and looking for you? Especially in the morning when he wakes up in his crib. Oh babe, I ache for you. I love you so much. And I miss you so much more. Katie

Thank you. Hi Marita ♥️ I’m struggling as both kiddos have the tummy flu. But I’ve got my friend here. Marty I will look at info when able. I thank you for posting it.

Thank you. I won’t feel so crazy then.

Should I feel selfish? Should I be able to find words? I try reading others posts. But I can’t find words to say like people have for me. I feel selfish because of this. Maybe I shouldn’t belong here. I apologize. I send hugs and love to all. That’s the best I can do.

Yes Karen I actually have a friend staying here with her son. She’s been a tremendous help these two weeks with the kids.

I feel so alone. My entire body hurts. I’m praying I’m not coming down with something. It scares me to be sick while pregnant. I want my Allen to be here. He’d do his best to make things better. He was my rock. The boys are asleep and my eyes ache from crying. I feel so alone. 😔

😪 It’s been two weeks since my Allen took his life. We were together since age five in kindergarten. That’s twenty five years. I never imagined he would end it all and leave me and our kids. He was the strong one. What’s hurting me right now today is how this has and will effect the boys. And how on earth will I find the strength to give birth to our baby girl in Dec. without him beside me. Without him holding her after she’s born. And what I will tell her where her daddy is. It’s so unfair to her as well as the boys. I’m not in pain as much for me but in pain and sad and angry for our children. They don’t have a voice. I have to have one for them. They don’t have a way to express this immense loss and injustice. I have to fight for them. I guess that is what keeps me alive.

It’s been 12 days since my Allen ended his life. It feels like an absolute eternity. I just can’t rid of the horrible ache inside. I’m trying to keep his love within me but this pain is so overpowering. I look at our boys and see him. But I look at them and sadly see so many plans gone in one devastating moment in time. 😰

I think I just got a sign from my Allen. Jenn (my friend) brought Ryan back. And he saw Caleb and said “eb eb” and pointed to him. I asked him you love your big brother Caleb and he said again “eb”. I was so happy. Caleb is so happy. Maybe it’s a sign from Allen. Who knows. I love my boys. I’m still hurting so badly and so tired but I’ve got to go on for my babes.

I’m sorry Kay. Sending you love and hugs. ♥️

Thank you Marita. I know you’ve grappled with and suffered through the suicide of your love. So I take your words very much to heart. Please know that. ♥️

It nearly 3:00 in the morning and I’m exhausted. But I can’t force myself to sleep. I’m resting as I can so I don’t end up in the hospital again. Im so heartbroken. There are no words to describe. Allen had an affair that I forgave him for. He was so apologetic. We were in therapy. He was in therapy alone. We were looking forward to our new baby in dec. in fact we found out we were expecting a baby girl a few days prior to his suicide. We were happy seeing Ryan reaching his new milestones as he just turned one. And we were getting over the hump with Caleb with his bipolar. Yet none of this means anything anymore. He’s gone. He’s gone. HES GONE! 💔😢 I’m 30. He was 30. It’s over. We are done. How can this be. His last gift to me will be our baby girl coming in dec. how can it be over at 30? No growing old together. No watching the kids grow up. No more anniversaries. Today would be our 11th anniversary. We would have gone away overnight. But it’s never to be. My heart hurts... 💔😢

I have been reading all your replies and I appreciate each of them. I wish I had words individually today is a bad day. I had to let my friend take Ryan home with her. I’m a mess. My heart literally aches. I can feel it with each beat. I thought I’d only feel that because my babies died but now that Allen is gone I put my hand on my chest and it hurts. I was just getting into grieving for the babies and Noah and Gracie now my other half is gone and I’m lost. I can’t make sense of anything now. I want to be alone but I don’t. I think I’m crazy. 💔😢

Saturday would be our 11th wedding anniversary. We had Noah two years before very young. So he was there. And Caleb was in my belly at our wedding. My heart hurts. I can’t sleep tonight. I’m talking to Allen in my head. How I wish he could answer. I loved him with my whole heart. These nine days since he left this world have been a whirlwind especially now it’s getting very raw and painful. I’m a widow at age thirty and don’t see how the future will be. I don’t see healing. How?

😢 i cant stop the tears tonight. It hurts so bad. There aren’t enough words. I want it to stop. I want my children who are gone back. And I want my Allen back. None of it is fair. None of it. None of this pain is right. None of it. My friends here at home try to make me feel better but they don’t know the hurt. I don’t blame them. I just want out of this. I really do. I know there’s no way out only through. But the hurt is so thick to trudge through right now. 😢

Thank you all thank you Anne for your words you so eloquently wrote in your article. I know in my mind his suicide was not about me. It was his pain. But in my heart things are different. I read your words and I started crying. Something I’ve yet to do in the nine days since his suicide. It hurts. Today im caring for a sick baby boy and teething as well. Katie

I wonder If he killed himself because I was still having a hurt heart from when he was unfaithful towards me. I forgave him but I couldn’t forget and let it go. Maybe guilt got to him because I couldn’t let it go. All I know is he was a loving daddy and was so looking forward to our new baby come Dec. i also know he couldn’t get over finding his father when he killed himself. And losing our kids. It was too much. But I loved him. And even though I couldn’t let the affair go he knew how much I loved him. There is no answer. Just so much regret and pain and loneliness. 😔

Marita thank you. I will pray definitely contact you. Marty breathing is how I’m getting by. It’s hard.

Thanks. Today is hard. It’s been a week. Caleb had an angry day. I know he’s hurting and has had more suffering and grief in his life than any person should have to endure. He requested to go stay with my parents... his Mimi and Papa... so I let him. They are so good with him. My heart hurts so deeply yet I’ve yet to shed a tear. Like something is wrong with me or Allen didn’t mean anything. My heart cries. I didn’t go through this with the loss is Lily and Lila or Noah and Gracie. I cried so much all the time. 😞 if I didn’t have the boys and this baby girl waiting to be born I’d have little to go on for. That hurts. I know I have to stay. But part of me just doesn’t have strength. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to hurt myself. There’s been enough of that. 💔

Thank you all. I’m having my Mom get a couple books for me. I’m home from the hospital on bedrest. Ryan is sick with a ear infection Ect. So he won’t do anything but snuggle with me on the sofa with Caleb at my feet. Tomorrow is a week. Life seems distant. It feels like the world is happening and I’m stuck in a nightmare. I know I don’t make sense. I have my best friend staying with me.

I’m still in the hospital at least another night. They are trying to get dehydration and electrolytes ironed out. The baby is still doing well. Caleb came to visit me. He crawled in my bed to snuggle. I’m so worried about him. I’m worried about me. If I’m having this agony trying to accept reality then it’s got to be ten times worse for Caleb. Why Allen took his own life is beyond me. Leaving his kids and our daughter he was so excited to come in December. The nurse just came in and wants me to rest. Easy for her to say...

Thank you all for your heartwarming thoughts. They mean more to you than you know. I am in the hospital. I passed out during the burial. I got out the word Mom who was next to me before I fainted and she caught me. My OB says I’m exhausted and dehydrated. Which isn’t good for the baby but she’s doing well. So I’m receiving large amounts of Iv fluids. Dinner came but I’m not hungry. I can’t believe my Allen is gone. Our son can’t believe it. And our other son is too young to have memories of his daddy. I just can’t believe he’s gone. Today’s service was a punch in the gut. Caleb is with my parents and Ryan is with my good friend. The dr gave me something to relax which isn’t much helping. I get another dose at 9. So hopefully I will be able to sleep. My heart aches.

It’s 5am. I don’t know if I’ve got the strength to do today. Face everyone. Speak. Bury him. CAleb is insistent on going. I can’t deny him. I have friends watching Ryan. I just don’t have the strength... 😞

Thank you all the boys are in bed. I feel so lost and alone. Devastated beyond belief that Allen would follow in his dads footsteps and shoot himself. I want to know what he was thinking and feeling. I don’t want to go on. After losing four children and my in laws and now my soulmate and partner in life. I just am so beyond tired. I’m still breathing for my Caleb and Ryan and this unborn baby girl. I’m so heartbroken that I’ve got to bring our babygirl into the world without my other half. How? I want to cry and I can’t. Weird huh.

Allen’s service is Friday. I’m struggling to just accept what has happened. If I can’t accept it how can I speak on Friday. I don’t know what I will say. He was my life my heart my soul even through most difficult times. And the most amazing daddy in the world. I’m at a complete loss. Why is what I keep asking. I’m so sorry I couldn’t take away his pain and grief. 💔. Im jealous. He’s with our Noah Gracie and Lily and Lila. Our babies. Katie 😢