A&K

It’s been just over two months since Allen suicided. I miss him and ache for him so much. It’s difficult raising Caleb and Ryan. It’s difficult to even get out of bed and function. It’s so challenging to just do simple tasks like brushing my teeth or showering or eating. My world has been shattered. I do my best for the boys. But when it comes to me I’m lacking. The boys are my priority.

Yes my therapist brought up EMDR and we are going to start that soon.

Tomorrow is two months since my Allen suicided. I will never get the image out of my head. No matter how I try. I want to go back and have him talk to me so I knew his feelings and could’ve loved him through it. Mom having difficulty eating. I’ve lost weight. I try. I really do. I make certain my boys are ok and cared for either by myself or my parents or best friend. I am so numb again. Just feeling nothing. Like if I felt it all I will crumble to pieces.

I’m trying so very hard. This road is so raw and heavy. To grieve our children is very tough without my husband. I’m trying so hard. Therapy is tough.

All of your support melts my heart. In a good way. Thank you so much.

It’s hurting so bad. I am literally unable to care for my boys at the moment. I thank god for my parents. I’m barely hanging on. But I would never do what Allen did. I would never leave our sons. But this minute by minute fight is so tough. I thank god for my therapist and my group. I just have never suffered so much as I am right now. Really trying hard to stay ok.

I’ve not sobbed like this yet since losing Allen. My therapist says it’s needed and cathartic. She gave me permission to let it out. She is my safe place right now. I trust her. And I trust all of you here. I feel safe here. So thank you again for the support. I wish I could hug each of you. Much love ❤️

Thank you through all these tears.

I’m truly aching right now. My heart hurts so much. I want my Allen. My tears are so endless. I’ve had to send the boys with my parents for the night because I’m so overwhelmed. This grief has a tight grip on me. I need some hugs and prayers. I know coming here I will get some. It hurts so bad. I miss my babies so much too. Why does it all have to hurt so deeply. It’s all so very raw. Do you ever cry so hard you feel like you just won’t survive? That’s where I’m at. And my Allen isn’t here to hold me. Oh how this hurts. 😢😢😢😢😢

I’m struggling. Just surviving minute to minute. Thank you for thinking of me and our Gracie girl. The only solace is that she’s with her Grammy Grampy and Daddy and siblings. It’s not my time yet. My job here isn’t done. So I will carry on. I will do my best. Caleb likes the fifth grade. And he’s with his friends. Ryan is in a mommy only stage. It’s wearing on me as he won’t let anyone else to step in.

Aww. Thank you that means a lot. ❤️

Thank you I fear the time when the boys are asleep because I am afraid to cry. My therapist tells me it’s ok and safe to cry. But it scares me for some reason. I might lose too much hope. My “safe place” is when I talk to my therapist and am in her office. At least I have that.

Thank you to those reaching out to me. I’m struggling quite a bit. Just trying to be a mommy to Caleb and Ryan and make it through each day is difficult. I don’t know if I’m doing a good job. Since Allen’s suicide things remain very surreal. There are times I don’t think I will survive. That’s when I thank god for my boys. They keep me breathing. For them I am blessed.

Tomorrow is six weeks since my Allen choose to end his life. Why am I still so numb yet in so much pain... I’m home finally. It was so difficult to come home without our baby girl. But I have our boys. Im just so overwhelmed... 😢

Thank you so much for your support and words. Its almost 3am and I’m having such a hard time. I try to shut my eyes and imagine Allen here with me but all I see if when I found him dead. A horrible image. Right now I want to crawl in a hole and disappear. I want to be with him. But I know it’s not my time. My time is with our boys. Caleb started school and likes it. Ryan is babbling new words and running everywhere. Dada is still his favorite word. I’m sure he looks for him. My heart hurts very much. Sometimes it feels like I’m on the outside looking in on someone else’s nightmare. And other times I can’t get away from the immense pain. Life is going on with out him and I try to figure out why he left. I wish I could have taken his pain away. I knew he was hurting but I don’t know where it went so wrong to go from hurting to seeing no way out. Did he think I didn’t love him anymore? Was the guilt from his infidelity just too much? I told him I forgive him. Im jealous he has our angels to hold now and I don’t. But I have Caleb and Ryan. They are my reason for going on. I wish this didn’t hurt so horribly much. 😢

Hi. I’m still in the hospital. My bp keeps spiking too high so they aren’t letting me go yet. I’m a total emotional wreck. I can’t stop crying. My therapist came in to see me. I just really need my husband. I need him to hold me and tell me it’s going to me ok. No one else can do it. 😢💔 i keep praying for peace and comfort. But little comes. The hospital gave the following to me of our Riley Grace.

I miss my Allen. I wish none of the last five weeks had happened. The dr has told me that there is no explanation why baby girl died in the uterus. Like I said I’m blessed for the little while I held her. I’m blessed God made me her momma. I’m blessed I carried her for as long as I did. And I’m blessed she’s in her daddy’s arms. I just need my love. I ache for him. I’m trying hard to hang on.

Thank you all. I have a sense of peace because Riley Grace was Allen’s final gift to me and she was absolutely perfect. I do feel blessed. Yes hurt but indeed blessed. The hospital is doing casts of her tiny hands and feet. Im going to be in the hospital a few more days as my bp is unstable and I need another blood transfusion tomorrow. I had time to spend with Caleb and Riley. I warned him and explained what happened and for a ten year old he understands a lot.

I received my Allen’s final gift last night. Our Riley Grace was stillborn and weighed 2lbs1oz. She was beautiful. I feel so blessed to have such a beautiful angel and his final gift to me. And she’s in his arms now. I’m heartbroken but blessed. The hospital gave me a gown for her to wear

Katie its only been a month for me. Counseling is my safe place. I have two boys and baby girl due in dec. I’m in the hospital. Things are pretty complicated. What else do I do to cope... deep breathing through the pain and heartache.

I’m getting overwhelming feelings of fear. Fear that baby girl won’t make it. I can’t lose another child. Fear that I won’t be able to continue on without my love. He was my everything. Since elementary school. Fear that I won’t be a good mommy to the boys. Mom getting out of the hospital Monday if no more contractions.

Hi Katie. I’m Katie too. I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband to suicide and he too was just 30. Give the counseling a few sessions and hopefully it will feel safe and right and begin to help you. Please do come here as often as needed. You will get a lot of support. ♥️

Yes Sept 11 is going to be grueling. It’s already so bad. My Gracie girl. Thanks Ksy for the links.

I just wanted you all to know I read a lot of your posts but I’m truly sorry for not being able to post replies. I’m struggling hour by hour with so much. I read posts and intend on replying but just don’t know why the words won’t come. I feel badly especially because so many of you find words of love and support for me and the boys. I respect and honor everyone here. My heart is with you ALL. I just can’t find words specifically. Much love, Katie-girl ♥️

Sept 11th will be one year since Gracie’s passing. I miss my precious one year old with everything in me. Our baby girl. Even though Allen is gone now doesn’t mean our kids are still not ours. They will always be ours. I say mine a lot and I feel guilty doing so. Allen now holds all four of our angel children in his arms in heaven. I hold the boys and our baby girl to come in mine. It’s amazing how full my heart is with love but at the same time so full of heartbreak. 😢