Blue Captain

Dear Mr George, Thank you very much for your advice. Happy Fathers' Day too. With respects, Blue Captain

Am I living in a fantasy world if I am hoping that the Dad I knew before Mom died is hidden there somewhere, and that he would come back to us? Should I begin to let him go and live life with the knowledge that he is gone forever, buried with Mom? If I do have to let go, how do I start? And what do I tell my brother? I am holding the fort and never said anything negative about Dad, telling him that Dad loves us but is too sad because Mom died and he's still grieving. I never gave a categorical answer to my brother's questions if the way dad was before Mom died will be back. I only said I don't know and we could pray for it. But Fathers Day is around the corner again and I'm really wondering if I'm doing things right.

Dear Mr Russ, You will be in my prayers. With respects, Blue Captain

This is not grief related. Life is just too much the last few weeks, help would be great. In my brother's school, a girl hit a boy. We talked about it, and I said, "If that happens to you, tell your teacher or any adult." Then I reminded him it's not good to hit anyone, boy or girl. We got talking about tae kwon do. I explained that it is for self defence, that it is for protecting yourself and not kicking people just because you can. And then my brother went, "What if there aren't any adults?" I said, "First, tell the person to stop because you don't like getting hit. Walk away if you can, and find help. If he or she doesn't listen and you can't walk away, protect yourself." He got curious about why there is "girl power" but no "boy power." I explained that the girl power motto is to encourage girls to be brave and not be afraid to protect themselves. And that the rules apply to boys too, that we should not be scared to protect ourselves when needed. His nanny overheard us and berated me for "teaching violence to a child with that accursed martial art and prejudiced thinking." Then she told my brother to not listen to me and to never hit a girl no matter what, because girls are sweet, they'd never hit anyone. That if a girl hits him, he should be a man and walk away. That girls should be loved, cherished and protected. Then she said, "Do you want to hit your Mom?" Of course, my brother said no. I'm all for loving, respecting, and cherishing girls. And not hitting them--and anybody--just for the sake of hitting. And I'm all for girls learning skills to protect themselves. But I have a problem with what Nanny said--that girls will never hit any person. It happens in school and on the playground. I've seen it in my own school: walking away too often will make you an easy target. Bullies never attack with an adult watching, but there are times when adults are not around. How do I go about this with my brother? I want him to be a gentleman, but I don't want him to be a pushover.

Dear Madam MartyT, Thank you for the tips. I couldn't bring myself to push my brother away, anyway so I'm not following the staff's advice. I could probably scan my stash and upload it on cloud or an email address created for my brother. I'm just worried because, as pointed out by Madam KayC, little kids can be careless sometimes. All it takes is one time to forget to logout and the files will be seen by the wrong person. Then all hell breaks lose. We have agreed on schedules for Skype days and the best time to call each other (since my college is in a state with another time zone). What can I do about his nightmares though (aside from calming him down when it happens)? Should I call my father's aides and ask for a doctor? The nanny assigned to my brother thinks it will pass and not to do anything (just that, no advice). I can't just sit by and watch him scream and thrash at night. Hearing him beg me not to leave or beg Mom's forgiveness for "forgetting" is just not cool.

How can I help my brother deal with the “loss” he feels about me going to college? I know that’s not the anticipatory loss we talk about in here. I am totally lost and don't know who to ask. I decided to post here because the advice I got hasn't steered me wrong so far and I have nothing to lose. If this post offends anyone, I apologize in advance. I will happily delete this, all you need to do is tell me. Or the admin can do it too. I will also accept punishment, even if it means getting booted out of this forum. *** In the early days of senior year, my little brother was fine with me leaving for college. I made a promise that we'd stay in touch by phone or Skype; explained that there are very busy days and I won't be able to call, but to tell him so he'll know I’m busy with schoolwork. Also that I’ll come home on Christmas and summer and if chances come in between. The fact that I'm leaving for college soon has sunk in and he's not liking it. His reactions are more visible--being clingy, asking for a camp out in my room or his room. He’s worried about two things: living alone at home and forgetting what Mom looks like. He has nightmares about me never coming home. I looked for tips online, but what I found are those for younger siblings who will stay at home with Mom and Dad. Tips like “Point out that you will be able to spend more time with them because their older sibling is away at college.” I followed “Validate feelings.” So my brother knows that I’ll miss him too, and that living away from home is a daunting experience for me as living at home is for him. Aside from that, nothing. About forgetting what Mom looks like, I’m really broken about this. Memories of little kids are not so good. The fact that he only saw Mom’s photos in secret doesn’t help. I’ll take the pictures with me when I leave and won’t give him a copy. I assured him that he’s not a bad kid and that Mom would understand, because of our situation. And that I’ll give him a copy of all photos in my stash one he’s 18. (“But, I’ll be old by then.”) The staff will look after him, but they’re not exactly on his “talk to” list. The staff tend to dismiss our feelings as “teen phase” or “child phase.” I’ve been winging it with the help of Google since I realized I couldn’t talk to them. My talk with the staff got nowhere. They were polite but told me that their kids were fine when older ones left. Or that my brother needs to “learn that college is normal.” I agreed, but pointed out that their kids had parents, and my brother will need help with the new experience. The oldest among them huffed and told me to stop coddling my brother because "normal children went through this and survived." Or “Two weeks you’ll be in [place] and he’ll have you to himself…. Children these days, honestly. We were always alone in my time.” They suggested that I start distancing myself from my brother so he’ll get used to me not being around.

Dear Madam KayC, Thank you for explaining. With respects, Blue Captain

Dear Madam MartyT, I've learned to live with the fact that Dad is here but he's not checking in with us. Sometimes it still hurts though. And I miss the Dad I knew before Mom died. We drove Mom crazy by nicking cookies fresh from baking, just Dad and me flying or riding bikes around town. I know it's no use living in the past. It's just, I miss it and wonder what happened. I guess the question of my classmate sent my mind into overdrive. And I wish that sometimes when my brother asks a question I have something better than "Sorry Wingman, I don't know. I'm lost like you." Or that if I need some life tips, I can ask someone without worrying if my words sound polite or if I sound like a jerk. I know that sometimes the words we use or our voice will give a different meaning to the real thing. And I find myself thinking "I wouldn't have to worry about that stuff with a parent." With respects, Blue Captain

Dear Madam KayC, Thank you for your words. The question is popping less in my head, not like a banging sledgehammer.. And thank you for reassuring me that I am the captain of my own destiny (that sounds like Invictus 😁 ) I'll make a mental note to take parenting classes too, when I have kids one day--that's a good idea. I understand knowing the "don'ts" but not knowing the "do's." About talking to Dad one day, how will I know that the time is right? With respects, Blue Captain

I talked to a classmate and he made me think of something. Now I can't get it out of my head. He knows what's going on in my family and his opinion is that Dad is a having a "Severus Snape situation." Snape is a teacher from Harry Potter. He loved Harry's mom Lily, but Lily loved and married James Potter instead. Their son, Harry, looks like James but has Lily's eyes. When Harry goes to school, Snape hates his guts because in Harry he sees the man he hated and the woman he loved and lost. My classmate has this opinion that Dad is distancing himself from me and my brother maybe because he sees Mom in both of us and it reminds him that she's gone. My brother especially, since he looks like Mom except his eyes and hair. (I look like Dad except my eyes) I don't know if what he said is the real reason of Dad's actions, but I can't help but think. Obviously I can't know the truth unless Dad or someone tells me. No point asking because I don't want to be in trouble. And then my classmate asked, "What are you gonna do or say if it is?" I snorted at him, but that question is like an awful tease in my head right now. Telling Dad "What about looking at us and thinking of the happy stuff instead" doesn't sound right to my ears.

Dear Madam KayC, Yes Ma'am, I will leave a few days before classes begin. I'm thinking of writing my memories of Mom in a notebook then maybe having him read it when he will visit me at college or just to preserve it. I wish I could tell the staff to cut my brother some slack for one picture. Like it's our mother, not an obscene poster, let him keep it in his room and don't tattle. I understand why they follow Dad's instructions to the letter, they need the job. It's frustrating though. As to those who envy my position (or adults who tell me I'm very lucky and blessed) I always tell them it's not all sunshine and daisies. The one thing I want is a parent who cares like "hey kid, what have you been up to?" Most kids at school angrily wish their parents would go away and leave them to be free and I think "If you only knew..." I don't know the homelife of my schoolmates. Maybe the kid who said that has helicopter parents or maybe it's just one of those teen moments that kids my age go through. I just can't help but think longingly sometimes, that at least their parents care about them outside the goal of one day holding the reins of the family firm. With respects, Blue Captain

Dear Madam KayC, Thank you for the advice. The conversation went okay. He cried but accepted that he won't get a photo for now. He's sad because he won't "see" Mom for a long time when I leave. I feel bad for him and it's painful to see him beg for more stories ("Can you tell me about Mom for a bedtime story every night?")

When Mom died, she got put in a box--pictures, rings, necklaces and all. Her other things were auctioned or donated. She has no pictures in our new house. I smuggled some but they're hidden in my secret place, though I shared them with my little brother. Not seeing Mom around the house (pictures or things that are "Mom") hasn't affected me so much before. I guess it was because I have my memories and the pictures I hid. But now I feel terrible. I have to tell my brother to keep secrets if we have to talk about Mom. He wants to have a copy of his picture with Mom but I'm torn about it. On one hand, I'll give him a copy in a heartbeat. On the other hand, I'm worried about who might see it. He's not exactly at the age where I can order the staff to stay away from his room like mine. Did I make the wrong call about showing the pictures? Why does my mother have to be a contraband? Talking to Dad is useless. It will only get me grounded.

Dear Xmcll, Maybe you could visit her resting place. If you're not up to going out, you can look at her pictures and reminisce with your family. Hope this helps. With respects, Blue Captain

Like I said before, Dad missed special occasions. Today at breakfast Dad's aide made a house call and announced that at a certain weekend, Dad will take us somewhere fun and unusual "to get away and relax together." My brother and I are looking forward to it, excited. This would be the first time in two years that Dad would hang out with us, wherever it may be. But I'm just afraid that Dad won't turn up like we expect him to. It happened lots of times before-- at birthday parties or important school events some aide would show up "with his apologies." All that after weeks of being told about the event so that his people could rearrange his calendar. I'm quietly hoping Dad will show up. My brother on the other hand is over the moon and won't stop talking about it. Should I tell him not to get his hopes up? If yes, how do I tell him? If not, then what should I do? I don't want to see him so broken again. The fiasco of his last birthday was torture enough.

Dear Madam MartyT, Thank you for answering my questions. With respects, Blue Captain

Dear Madam MartyT, I have some questions about the webinar. It's my first time to do this. 1. How does the webinar work? *Do I need to login on Skype and proceed like a video conference? *Is it like a real conference where everyone has to dress up in shirts and ties? 2. Can the speaker and the other viewers hear and/or see me? *My little brother will be with me at this time. Do I need to watch the webinar in an extremely quiet place with no other person with me? 3. How long is the webinar? *Sorry if the question sounds rude. With respects, Blue Captain

Dear Listening Friend, Thank you for the advice. I've tried speaking to adult women before, especially in the early days and years of Mom's death. They told me to "give Dad space." Adult men gave me advice along those lines too. As for pastors, I'm cautious about talking to them. I appreciate the sentiment and the thought of quoting Scriptures but I can't really connect it to my situation. Cliches (in the form of "It's God's plan/will, She's with God, etc) are really not helping--maybe they say it out of habit or with real good intentions--and I don't know how to politely tell them that their words feel empty and hollow. As I write this reply, the courage to speak with an adult (man or woman) has left me. I'm still recovering from my conversation with Uncle Tim. Maybe one day I'll grow up enough to understand all this, or at least have the guts to talk to an adult again. With respects, Blue Captain

Dear Madam KayC, I’m used to judgmental people. It comes with the territory maybe. Privileged kid with no mom, absent dad, and the household staff equals the typical ultra-spoiled prince of brats. I don’t know why “spoiled rich kid” is the first impression of most people. Or why “spoiled” is always connected to privilege. Or that acting out for attention is a given. (I blame the movies for this annoying stereotype.) I don’t care about it, what’s important is the opinion of people who matter to me. The judgmental thing just stings more painfully if it comes to mom and the grief that comes with it. It gets too much sometimes. I want to ask the person, “Have you ever lost someone?” Then if they say yes to make an off-hand comment like “An angel was needed up there” or something. Haven’t done it though, I know that won’t do any good. Here, at least, I can be a teen who misses both parents without having to man up. Or ask questions without being under the microscope. And for that I'm thankful. With respects, Blue Captain

Yesterday after school I talked to an adult. Uncle Tim (church music director) coaxed it out of me after I spaced out a lot during rehearsal. I told him everything: from Mom’s death and Dad’s distance to not talking to adults for a very long time. He listened the whole time, and it felt good. Uncle Tim said, “How do you feel about your father? Are you angry?” I said, “Not angry, I got used to rarely seeing him at home. Sad and annoyed that he’s been ignoring us for years and that my brother is experiencing a painful early childhood. I understand that Mom’s death hit hard but it’s been years and I wish he’d come back to us.” Uncle looked at me and went, “Son, you need to let go of the anger and hate in your heart and reach out to your father. It’s been years, you need to move on. Remember Jesus said love your enemies.” I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I politely repeated that Dad won’t talk to me personally or by phone, no matter how I tried. And that I don’t hate Dad or that he isn’t my enemy. He talked about respecting parents and quoted many verses about not being hopeless when someone dies. That if a Christian dies, he’ll go to be with God. He said something about Jeremiah and God’s good plans and that everything happens for a reason. And that everything that’s happening—good or bad—is God’s will. I was more confused than ever, with more questions than before. When I got home, I checked the verse about God’s plan (Jeremiah 29:11) and I honestly couldn’t make the connection between the verse and my situation. Like I’ve been dealt this hand, now what? I feel like a fool. My conversation with an adult flopped again. Scripture quotes are great. But I really want to ask for practical doable advice. I just don’t know how to say it without sounding impolite or offensive. Ironically the best advice I got was from my 7 year old brother who found me in my room crying. He said "It's okay to cry cause Jesus cried when Lazrus died. I cry for Mommy too." I don’t have extended family to ask questions to. My father is an only child and his parents are dead. My grandparents and two uncles on Mom’s side are estranged. Grandpa and Granny and my two uncles never wanted them together in the first place. The two meetings I had with the grandparents were not nice. Besides, I never met the uncles (except for seeing them at the funeral service).

Dear Madam KayC, I hope the courage to talk to another adult will come. My past experiences of opening up haven't really been helpful, so I'm a little wary. I have my journal--and now this forum--though writing alone may not be enough. For now that is my outlet, and music too. You're right, visiting Mom helped. My brother and I looked at pictures and had some stories about her and I taught my brother her favorite song. It was both a happy and sad moment. I was thankful that Dad hadn't come home that evening; there would have been a grounding for me if he heard us playing/singing the song. Respectfully, Blue Captain

Dear Listening Friend and IPraiseHim, Thank you for your advice. My faith is the only thing I have, it is the one that keeps me going when I fly blind into the uncharted territory of looking after my brother and his questions, as well as dealing with the situation I find myself in. With respect and thanks, Blue Captain

Today is Mom's anniversary and it's a painful difficult day. The radio played Mom's song on the way to school and it took all I had not to curl up in the backseat and cry, especially when I saw mothers drop their kids off at my brother's school. The little man, thankfully, is handling this day better than me. At school, time is like jello. It's hard for me to concentrate and a real effort not to totally space out. My classmates are noticing that I'm not on the top of my game. I hope I can keep it together... just a few more hours. My brother and I are visiting Mom after school.

Dear Madam KayC, Thank you for your kind words. I listened to Cats in the Cradle, it was very scary. Is there really a huge scientific possibility that I will turn out like my Dad one day--that I'll be a distant dad whose only role is to provide financially for his family? That scares me so much, so please forgive me if my first words sound very rude. I'm just really scared by the possibility. But I like to think that my rotten childhood will drive me to be the opposite of a distant Dad. I tell my brother stories about Mom and show her pictures every chance I get, assure him that he loved her (and Dad too, before everything with south). Stories aren't enough but it's the best I can do to share about Mom. I had to make my brother keep quiet about it though, make it our "guy secret." He seems thrilled and imagines that we are secret agents handling important info. I see that you're a Christian, so am I. I tried talking to a youth pastor once and told him everything, even the smuggled pictures. He said I stole the pictures and sinned. Did I? I prayed that night for God to forgive me, that the pictures are all I've got left of Mom. When I talk about something to the youth pastor I'm always told to pray for God's will, read the Bible and be quiet to hear it. Thing is nobody showed me how finding God's will in the Bible works. Like to do I open the Bible at some random page and do what's in there? As to prayer, I don't know how to know that something is God's will. What the signs are--that kind of thing. No definite advice like "Here's what you're going to do." If it's not too much trouble, could you please give me some tips on how this works? With respect and thanks, Blue Captain *** Dear Madam MartyT, Thank you for your kind words. I tried to talk to adults before. And their reply was the same. It was along the lines of "Your father is grieving, it's not easy." or "Look at it from your father's point. He lost his wife, but he's still providing for you." or "There are other kids who are abused by their guardians, you could've been much worse." While I am indeed thankful that my brother and I are well-cared for, we are both really desperate for Dad's attention. Since all the adults I spoke to told me to give Dad space, I never spoke to another adult again. I guess I got tired of hearing the same reply. I am indeed preparing for college. I will be going to a business school a little far from home. It is difficult for my brother too. At least he's relaxing when I told him that we can Skype or call each other and that I'd be home during Christmas and the summer or if I have a chance in between. With respect and thanks, Blue Captain

I am sorry for your loss. Respectfully, Blue Captain