olemisfit

Thank you Joyce. And right back at'cha.

When someone you love Becomes a memory ... That memory becomes A treasure! My wife was born 76 years ago today. Her birthdays aren't a fun event anymore. That ended a little more than 2 1/2 years ago. I miss all those opportunities of being able to wrap my arms around her, look down at her (she was 5 feet tall, and I am 6'3"), suck face a little bit, and wish her a Happy Birthday. Now I have to settle for picking up her urn and giving it a big ole hug. But I do thank the Lord above that my mind still functions, and I can spend time remembering all those treasured memories. When these trigger events first started coming over me in the earlier days of this journey I tried to shake them off without giving in to them. It always seemed like the harder I attempted to resist them, the harder they were on me. Now I just give in to them when they happen. It does seem like I'm able to re-visit the treasured memory without getting totally discombobulated by the emotion of it all. Whatever works, right? (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAREST WIFE O' MINE). And as always...One foot in front of the other Darrel

This Thursday will be my wife's birthday. I always tried to make her birthday a special day for her. Even when the truckdriving lifestyle didn't make it easy, I was able to be home with her for most of them. She is really on my mind this morning. I stumbled upon this little diddy a few minutes ago, and thought I would just share it here. My love to everyone here. One foot in front of the other... Darrel

Gwen, do I ever know from whence you cometh when you talk about the loneliness. I mention nothing here wanting anyone's sympathy or pity. I try to avoid pity parties. In the case of my wife and I it all has to do with decisions made, and choices. In our case, the Lord brought 2 lost, discarded souls together to be "there" for each other. In both of our cases, we had been used and abused by our immediate families. It wasn't ever the physical sort of abuse that shows. But there was plenty of the mental and emotional abuse during our growing up years. The Bible tells us to honor our parents, but unfortunately that just isn't always possible. To maintain some semblance of sanity we both ended up turning our backs on our families. And because of fertility issues, we never had children. But did we ever have each other. When I retired from truckdriving to be my wife's full time caregiver, I asked God to take her first if it wasn't part of His grand design for us to die together. I didn't want her to be the survivor who had to deal with all this loneliness and unhappiness. I live in a HUD apartment building now. Most of the residents here don't seem to be very happy with their lot in life now. Too many of them seem to thrive on attending each other's pity parties. One only needs to spend about 5 minutes here to understand the meaning behind the old saying "misery loves company". I'm sorry for them, but i can't change them. And I refuse to let them drag me down into that muck and mire they exist in now. So I stay to myself. I'm a bit of an old curmudgeon now I suppose. I shave almost every day, and I still like that old fart that I see when I look into a mirror. I have made arrangements to be cremated when my turn comes. That was always our preference anyway. And this way the added expense of hiring 6 people from a temporary service to serve as pallbearers can be eliminated. LOL! My wife's birthday is coming up this Thursday--the 16th. Another one of those trigger events that are a part of our existence now. (I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU, MY SNUGGLES) One foot in front of the other... Darrel

So very sorry to see you being in the hospital Gwen. I'm glad to hear that you sought treatment early since pneumonia is what you are there with. My wife's official cause of death was sepsis because that insidious crap called c dificil had gotten hold of her, but pneumonia was what she was admitted into the hospital with. Rest well, get your strength back, and get back home to your fur babies. I understand your comments about smoking all to well. I still remember the date I quit smoking the last time---Dec. 15th, 2003. I stayed off of them until the date my wife passed. Jan. 1st, 2016. By the evening hours of that day I craved a cigarette so bad that I just couldn't stand it. Maybe I'll quit again one of these days. But so far I'm just not ready to deal with all the stress that is part of the quitting process. And then maybe a part of me lives with a death wish now because I miss my wife so very much every day. I have to celebrate her birthday (the 16th) without her next Thursday. That sucks! Get well and back home soon, Gwen. One foot in front of the other... Darrel

Nick, my sympathies for what you are going through. It totally sucks, doesn't it? I know what you are going through. I have been there too, and I still am in more ways than I care to talk about. I had to give up my wife on New Year's Day, 2016. We had been together since October of 1974. We weren't ever able to have children, so our lives 100% revolved around each other. When I watched the nurse turn off the ventilator to end my wife's suffering, I thought the breath was being sucked out of me. And there was many a time during 2016 that I wished it had been.I stumbled upon this group on Xmas Eve of 2016. Before that I had spent that entire first year without my wife totally alone. I had retired in 2011 from trucking to be my wife's caregiver, so I spent 2016 as a recluse, just bouncing off the walls. I don't know of any magic advice or answers to give you. There isn't any magic pills either to take and ease the pain of what you are going through. You're going to miss the hell out of your wife. I still miss mine every day. All I have now are the memories, and I'm stubborn I guess. I refuse to give them up. I will miss her every day for however much longer I continue living (existing actually). What I'm doing now ain't living, but I suppose it is existing. My sympathies to you. Use this group as much as you feel like you can and want to. I've never encountered anyone here that passes judgement, so don't be afraid to bare you soul here. I think there is some kind of therapy in that, and in the availability of this group. One foot in front of the other... Darrel

Cookie, I grieve with you for you losing your Olive. I do understand what you are going through today. If I hadn't had my little Sugar to keep me sane I probably wouldn't have made it through those beginning, dark days after my Cookie died. Sugar is the most recent of the many rescue dogs we had over the years. I don't know Sugar's exact age. We got her in December, 2010, so all i know is that she is more than 8 years old.I try not to dwell on it and think about it, but I dread the day when her turn comes to go to the Rainbow Bridge. It won't be a good day. My thoughts are with you. Darrel

I'm sure everyone here has said that, or will when their turn comes. And the awfulness of being at this milestone doesn't become better just by us mumbling what most of us end up chanting at one time or another during this journey..."Oh well, it is what it is". My journey down this path started 2 1/2 years ago this past Friday. My Cookie went into the hospital with pneumonia on 12/13/15. On the 15th she was moved into the hospital's critical care unit and put on a ventilator.The hospital's policy was to keep her heavily sedated while on the ventilator so that she wouldn't fight the tubes and try to pull them out. So, once that started she never consciously knew it when I was there to visit her each day.On the 20th the tubes were removed as a trial to see if she could breath on her own. When I got there to visit her that day she was awake and alert. We visited for a while, and then she drifted off to sleep. That was the one and only time she and I actually talked to each other after she was moved to the critical care unit. After they re-sedated her and put her back on the ventilator on the 20th, we never spoke to each other again. But I visited each day, and I held out hope that she would get her strength back and get better, and be able to return home. But finally, on New Year's Day of 2016 the jig was up. I wasn't able to ignore the ugly elephant in the room any longer. I had to make the awful decision and then give the instructions that we all hope we never have to make. Was it ever hard to get the words out of my mouth and then sign the paperwork to end my wife's life. But it was time to end her misery and suffering. To anyone who also has had to make this decision, you have my sympathies. I know how hard to was on you. It isn't an easy process to have to go through, but then it shouldn't be easy, should it? Cookie and I were blessed with being together (physically) for 41+ years. In some ways being together that long does I think make it harder to be without her. Any couple that stays together that long and truly loves each other develops a real dependency on each other. In every way imaginable. Being without my Cookie hasn't been easy. Especially the year of 2016. I didn't even stumble upon this group until Christmas Eve of that year. But I did somehow survive that year. At the time, I didn't much care whether i did or not. But I did. And 2017 was a bit better for me. And now, 2018 so far has been more tolerable than even 2017 was. So, it is true isn't it? This grief crap really is a journey or a process. Cookie and I are still together spiritually, and I have to be content with that. I don't imagine I will ever forget her. I think about her every day. I talk to her, I tell her i love her and miss her numerous times each day. And by now I get through most days without curling up in the proverbial fetal position. But the trigger days still get to me somewhat. Like last Friday. Or our wedding anniversary (March 7th). Or her birthday (August 16th). The big holidays don't affect me. Cookie and I had outlived each of our families and weren't able to have children, so the big holidays stopped being big events to us a number of years ago. So they aren't triggers for me now, which is a blessing. The one thing that keeps me going, and keeps me sane, is the sure and certain knowledge that Cookie and I will be together again, when I join her in heaven. And that reunion will last into eternity. That is what makes it possible for me to continue getting up each morning, willing to keep on putting one foot in front of the other. Darrel

Just once before I die I would like to be able to find a doctor that has progressed beyond practicing at being a doctor. I would maybe even be able to respect him/her. My wife also had type 2 diabetes. The first doctor she went to about it diagnosed her as having lupus. Really?! Then when the damned neuropathy first started bothering her the doctor told her it was morton's neuroma (tumors between the toes.There were never any tumors there. Sometimes the quality of nursing care leaves a whole lot to be desired.When my wife was told it was time to go onto dialysis her doctor convinced her (and me) that the peritoneal dialysis would be the way to go. It took 2 attempts at putting the tubes into her tummy area to try to get it right. And we never knew if the 2nd attempt worked any better than the 1st. When a nurse was changing the dressing on the incisions she lost the cap to her ballpoint pen. Anyone want to guess where that cap showed up at? I had been cautioned that I should under no circumstances try to change the dressing myself. It would be too easy for the incisions to get infected. So I didn't But we were watching TV in bed a few evenings later and we both started smelling rotten sewage. I mean REALLY rotten. So i started trying to find where it might be coming from. It was coming from the bandaging. In spite of the warnings, I peeled the bandage off. Lo and behold, there was the cap to the nurse's ballpoint pen laying right on the incision. And it had infected the incisions. Really badly. My wife ended up spending almost 2 months in a long term care facility hooked up to an infection pump. Good medical care doesn't exist anymore. The doctors I'm using now.

The answer is God doesn't think He's a doctor

Here I go with some of my left-handed humor-I'm not going to include the punchline since I'm sure everyone knows what it is. The question is...what is the difference between God and a doctor? The answer explains Kay's predicament.

Like you Kay, i am as content as it's possible for me to be to finish my life alone. I hate the loneliness, and I'll most likely never be completely used to it. But as much as I hate it, I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to begin again with a new significant other. One reason is that It wouldn't be fair to me or her. I've lived with myself for 69 years, and in many ways nobody knows me better than I know myself. I would constantly be making comparisons. And then I've also become a bit of a curmudgeon, and very set in my ways by now. Sometimes I just don't play well with others. BTW, that was a wonderful picture of your George you put up a day or so ago. My apologies for failing to say anything sooner. Hope you're feeling some better today. One foot in front of the other... Darrel I think it's time for some coffee.