olemisfit

Atta girl, Shirley! Keep up the positive moves and attitude. With that working for you, you will get through this. And I love the photo.

My prayers for everyone in hurricane Michael's path. Doubly so since I've experienced 2 of them myself. Cookie & I lived in Houston in the 80's (I don't remember the exact year) when hurricane Alicia happened there. It was in August and we were without electricity for about 2 weeks. I drug our top king-size mattress out onto our driveway and we slept there until power was restored. Then hurricane Harvey Sept. of last year. When you lose almost all of your possessions in a natural disaster (like I did with Harvey) it makes you realize how unimportant "things" really are. Darrel

I didn't catch a typo in my message. It was supposed to be "Cookie & I". Sorry 'bout that! More cerebral flatulence I suppose. We named her Sugar. We could see immediately that no name would fit her perfectly sweet disposition any better. The first 2 dogs we had were pekingese. The first one was the uncle of the second one. They both lived a little bit more than 18 (human) years. Every one after them were all rescues. Rescues always seem to be so appreciative and loyal. Cookie & I were never able to have children so the pets all became our 4-legged "children". One foot in front of the other... Darrel

Do ya'll mind if i butt in and show mine off? She is a"rescue" case we gave a home to in Dec. 2011, so I am only able to guess at her age. She's 10 or so now. The perfect size for apartment living. The best guess I can come up with is that Cookie had about 15-16 dogs during our marriage, and all but the first 2 were/are rescue cases. Darrel

I hear you all. Cookie put this ring on my ring finger on March 7, 1975. It's never left my finger since then for even one second. I've instructed the young lady that has agreed to take care of my "last wishes" to leave it on me (if they will do it) when I am cremated. I suppose it's my physical connection now to her spirit. I want her to see it still there every time she looks down on me.

Gwen, you aren't in the boat alone. I'm in the process of quitting right now myself. I moved up here to northeastern Okla. after hurricane harvey, and Okla. uses part of the cigarette tax money (all states may do it) to provide free nicotine gum and/or patches (FREE!). All I had to do was ask for them. I opted for both. The last time I quit I stayed off the cigs for about 7 years. But by the evening of the day Cookie died I wasn't dealing well at all and started smoking again. Here where I live now there is a strong Native American influence. They have a smoke shop here where a carton of cigs is only $23, but even that is hard for my income to comfortably afford. I started my 2nd month as a "quitter" on Oct. 6th. This is one time that I like being called a quitter! Good luck at it Gwen. We're all rooting for you. One foot in front of the other... Darrel

That is true Kaye. I try not to dwell on finances. No matter how much worrying about it that I do it never seems to change reality. So why waste time doing it. We always planned for me to retire when I turned 67, but Cookie's body wouldn't wait for that. I had to do it at 62, which really affected how much I get from social security now. It isn't easy getting by on less than $1100/month. But if I had it to do all over again I would do it the same way. (I guess I'm a glutton for punishment) lol! Cookie needed me when she needed me. It is what it is, but it does create some unpleasant stress every now and then. One foot in front of the other (oops, I almost stumbled)... Darrel

I'm a "survivor" of Hurricane Harvey. I was living about halfway between Houston and Galveston Island at the time. 66 inches worth of non-stop torrential rain. I moved up here to northeastern on Sept 9th last year with my casual clothes, some books, my computers and 2 TV's. Everything else was destroyed by the flood water. Nasty stuff.

Thanks to everyone for accepting my apology. As for you Kay, have a Happy Birthday this Sunday. Do something fun, and find a reason to smile! (That goes for everyone, whether it's your birthday or not) One foot in front of the other... Darrel

Gin, my thoughts and sympathy will be with you today and tomorrow. The day your journey without Al began. I feel nothing but love for everyone here who gets up each day, grits their teeth and tries to find some reason to smile as they get through another day putting one foot in front of the other. After having the best parts of us amputated and taken away from us, just getting through another day is an accomplishment. Try to find something to smile about tomorrow. Gin, with your permission, I would like to copy your entire post into my "love journal" that I started after Cookie passed. Just for my private edification. One foot in front of the other... Darrel

Geez ya'll, where do I start? To those of you that watch NCIS on TV, you know what Jethro Gibbs says about apologizing. According to him it's a sign of weakness. I have never agreed with that. If/when I owe someone an apology I don't mind opening my mouth and telling them I am sorry. So to everyone here, I do sincerely apologize for being a world class JERK. I honestly don't know how to explain myself. With anything I say here, I am not saying any of it wanting anybody's sympathy or pity. None of us would be here if we hadn't suffered a terrible loss in our lives. In my case, my wife Cookie and I were married for just a hair longer than 41 years. Before she came into my life I had never really experienced true happiness. My high school sweetheart sent me a Dear John letter while I was in southeast Asia during the Vietnam War. She really broke my heart, and I returned home after being discharged from the Air Force with absolutely no interest in asking another girl out on a date. That was in April, 1973. And I stayed that way until October, 1974. Then a young, gorgeous redhead interviewed me for a job in Oklahoma City. For me, it was love at first sight. She owned me before we had even said hello to each other. In January, 1975 I asked her to marry me and spend the rest of her life with me. We set the date for March 7, 1975. Everyone in both of our families predicted that our marriage wouldn't even last 2 years. Man, were they all ever wrong. Just like everyone else here, we had that perfect marriage. We were each other's soul mate. She completed me in every way that mattered. Then here body started falling apart on her. I eventually retired to be her full time caregiver (on January 1, 2011). We moved from Okla. City to the Houston, Texas area to get her into a better winter climate. And slowly and gradually I watched her health deteriorate. By 2015 we both pretty well knew that by then she was on borrowed time, but at least we were together every day. Then the day came when she went into the hospital with pneumonia. That was on Dec. 13, 2015. Then on the 15th she was moved to the hospital's critical care unit and immediately put on a ventilator. The hospital's policy was to sedate anyone that was put on a ventilator to keep them from trying to pull the tubes out. She never came off of it, except for a couple of hours on Dec. 20th. We talked some then, but after she was put back on the machine we never talked again. Then on Dec. 27th she developed a bad case of c diff. After that she slid down hill very fast. Her poor, frail body just didn't have the strength to fight it. And on the morning of Jan. 1, 2016 I had to make that awful decision to turn the ventilator off and let here go. Man alive but was that a hard thing to do. But it was the only right thing to do---for her. For a few months after that I had terrible problems with guilt. On top of the daily grieving, I wrestled with the notion that I had intentionally and voluntarily ended the life of another human being. I'm not bothered by that any more,thank goodness. Since she was in bad health when we moved to the Houston area, we never made any friends there. And Cookie and I both had already outlived our families. So, when she passed I had no one to turn to for any kind of support. I'm not smart enough to know what comes over me every once in a while, but something does and the ugly side of me appears. Sometimes I think I do a pretty good job of coping with the loneliness and sadness. But every now and then the ugly "me" sneaks up on me. And when that happens I usually don't even see that it has until I have already made a total ass out of myself. Folks, I have explained all this just for background purposes. And to ask for your forgiveness.I said some ugly and mean things in my last post. I'm not proud of any of it, and the real me honestly didn't mean any of it. I am truly sorry. One foot in front of the other... Darrel

More than one has put their comments onto this thread that has me feeling pretty irritated. I don't know if it is their desire to make me feel like the village idiot, but if that was or is your desire I can honestly tell you that you haven't succeeded. In the beginning of this grief thing I began keeping count of the days that passed since my wife's death. SO WHAT? That doesn't make me the village idiot. Not of the village I live in. But if I would be if I lived in your village then my only comment is...thank God I don't have to live in your village. But I will give you this...I will not allow this to turn into a pissing contest. After posting this here, I will be sending Marty a private message asking her to delete me from this group. I hold no ill will to anyone. Maybe you have the right to make fun of me. I also think I have the right to not want to be someone's punching bag. Maybe now you will want to make fun of me for leaving. Go for it. Good bye.

Hi again Karen. If I remember the timeline we shut the bookstore down about 9 months after the Borgata opened on Scottsdale Road. I donated my appendix to research (lol) while we lived there. We eventually moved to Holbrook and operated a Comfort Inn there. We lived the life of nomads until Cookie's health started to fall apart. I can relate to the fog you mentioned. I never seem to be able to extracate myself from that foggy atmosphere. Such is life now I reckon. One foot in front of the other... Darrel

Karen, I don't remember where Miller Rd is but we bought our store from a couple who also had a store down in the central part of Scottsdale. Pat & Jack Steen was their name

Hi Karen. The bookstore was in a strip center. I don't know if the shopping center still has the same name now. When we had the bookstore it was named the Bayless-Revco Village. The address was 103209 N. Scottsdale Road. This was at the intersection of Scottsdale and Bell Road. A picture of our store's bookmark

Good morning Kay. I hope this finds you well today. I guess I must be a glutton for punishment. I've never been a quitter.I used to be a strong positive person. But Cookie's death really sucked all the wind out of my sails. I'm slowly getting it back, but I expect I may not ever be 100%. But I don't know how to quit trying. After Cookie died I started counting the days. I was in such a deep melancholy that I was willing to try willing just about anything to try to stop those never ending pity parties. Keeping track of the days did seem to help---somehow. Maybe it just gave something to keep my mind occupied with. I guess it became a habit eventually. I don't keep track of the days as much now, but every once in a while day see where I'm at. I suppose I'll eventually get my interest back to read. I sure do hope so. I do miss my books! My passion now is do things that will hopefully make Cookie a reason to be proud of me. One of these days Cookie and I will be together again. When my turn comes to walk through the Pearlie Gates and we re-unite it will be forever. I look forward to that so very much. I'm not afraid of death. I know I can't outrun the grim reaper, but I'm certainly not gonna do anything to rush it along. Have yourself a wonderful day somehow. As my grandmother used to tell me and my 2 sisters, it takes fewer facial muscles to smile than it does to frown. So try to find something to smile about. One foot in front of the other... Darrel

Well "shucks" on a cracker! Just what I need is another reminder. Tomorrow will be day #1000 of being without my wife. Even though her health was fading by the time I retired on Jan 1st, 2011 I still woke up each morning with a feeling of contentment and even with excitement to have her to wake up with each day. My official retirement date was 1/1/2011, and Cookie's death was on 1/1/2016. That crush I had on her by the time we got married (on 3/7/75) never went away. If anything, it got stronger over the years. Heck, I still have a crush on her. That festering, burning hole in my gut doesn't hurt as much by now, but there isn't a day that she isn't on my mind. Just like in the movie "as good as it gets" Cookie always made me want to be a better man. Holy cow but do I ever miss her physical presence! Nothing is the same without her. For the most part we both liked the same TV shows, and they were somehow better when we watched them together. Ditto with football games. I still watch TV every once in a while, but it sure isn't the same by myself. I used to love to read. We owned a used book store in Scottsdale Arizona for several years back in the early 1980's. But we had to shut it down when a video rental store opened up immediately next door to our bookstore. So after that we never had to wonder where our next book to read would come from. Since Cookie's passing I just can't seem to get interested in reading anything. Not even a magazine. Trying to look into my future what I see is just another 1000 days of this same emptiness and loneliness. In spite of how all this appears to be, I'm not saying all this wanting anyone's pity or sympathy. The only reason I feel what I feel now is because we had such a wonderful and perfect relationship. Man, but did we ever! Cookie & I shared the good times, and I have 41 years of memories. I can't remember the exact wording of the old saying I'm wanting to use now, but it's something about unto each of us a little rain must fall. So I have to endure that rainfall now. Ain't no biggee with all the memories that I have to keep me company. It isn't as good as her physically being here with me. But even on the worst of days it's better than what it would be like if she & I had never met. I still miss her presence every day. Oh well, I will continue putting one foot in front of the other as I continue this "journey" Darrel

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You're so right Kieron with your "no due dates" comment. I find myself just getting up each day and doing what feels right to me. When I feel myself getting into one of my sad and/or depressed moods I get the picture album (my memories book) and my journal out and allow my mind all those good times. I don't have any kind of routine or ritual as far as how I get through this now. Nor do I have any kind of target date for when I expect my grieving to be over. It's possible it will never be completely over and, if need be, I am okay with that. One foot in front of the other... Darrel

I hope that my earlier post to this doesn't appear as me trying to pressure Kieron. That certainly was NOT my intention. Just me in my clumsy (and maybe ignorant) way sharing my thought. But I was not trying to pressure him to do anything. My apologies to Kieron. Darrel

Kieron, I totally feel your pain and anguish. I'm certainly not an expert in this grief crap, but I do have my thoughts and opinions. This grief that all of us here share is a sign and a tribute to the strong love we shared with our mates. It's the ugly side of it for sure. But we wouldn't be experiencing it if the love we felt---and still feel---wasn't as intense as the emotion this grief dredges up. Maybe I'm masochistic, for all I know. My wife and I shared a bit more than 41 years together. That ended when I made the decision to turn the ventilator off, and end her misery and suffering on 1/1/2016. She is with the Lord now, patiently waiting for me to join her---for eternity. The thought of that sustains me now. I find it to be cathartic somehow to allow myself to think about and remember the 41 years of memories. It brings on some strong emotions at times, but it also brings on some happy thoughts at the same time. Happy thoughts that I wouldn't have if I hadn't "gone there". I retired from truck driving on 1/1/2011 when it became obvious that my wife needed a full time caregiver. That meant that my social security retirement took a huge hit. We got along okay while my wife was alive and receiving hers also. But I live a pretty meager lifestyle now that I'm getting by on only mine now. In spite of my financial situation now, I don't regret retiring when I did. My wife needed me when she did, finances be damned. If I had it to do again---knowing what I know now---I wouldn't do it any different. From my "for what it's worth" department I'm inclined to encourage you to go and visit that special place that you and Mark enjoyed together. Yes, it will most likely be emotional. But maybe---just maybe---you will return home with some good emotion that you will only be able to feel by going there. Treasure those good thoughts and allow yourself to enjoy them. Somehow it's all part of the healing process. One foot in front of the other... Darrel

Shirley, I know what you mean about the dreaded chores. During my growing up years I had my chores that I hated, but what do'ya do. You mind your mother and do them anyway. Because she hated doing them also. I had 2 sisters, but a few chores that were always mine were ironing, dusting the furniture, and running the vacuum cleaner. Every Saturday morning I couldn't sit down in the middle of the living room floor and watch the weekly episode of the Lone Ranger unless all my chores were done. My dad always insisted on his undershorts and hankies being ironed. And God forbid him laying his head on a pillow case that was wrinkled. So I ironed, pulled the old Electrolux through the house, and then grabbed the Pledge and dusted. If I got up extra early on Saturday morning and got an early start I sometimes was done in time to be able to turn the TV on. It was a good Saturday if I was done in time for the Lone Ranger---and then Sky King (and Penny). In spite of the chores, those were the good ole days. And then maybe Roy & Dale...and Pat Brady with NellyBelle. (Sometimes it's fun to walk down Memory Lane.) One foot in front of the other... Darrel

Hello again, Katie. I know that this isn't about me, but I will share a little bit of how I got here and why. I met my wife in the fall of 1974. She was the front desk mgr of a motel where I was applying for a job as night auditor. When I saw her in all her splendor it honestly was love at first sight. What was that line from Jerry McGuire...she had me with hello. We tied the knot on March 7, 1975, and the rest is history. I was very lucky. She shared her life with me for a little over 41 years. For the first half of our marriage we worked jobs together. Some people can't do that, but it worked for us. We both felt like we were suffocating when we weren't around each other. Then in the early 90's her health started going bad. She went on social security disability, and I looked for the kind of work where my single income would at least equal what our double incomes had always been. So I became an over-the-road truck driver. We both hated it because we were apart for 28 days of every month, but bills insisted on not paying themselves. I was a truck driver from 1994 until I retired in December, 2010 to be home as my wife's fulltime caregiver. She went into a hospital in Dec, 2015 with pneumonia, was immediately put on a ventilator, and never came off of it. Now for some of the visitations (that's what I call them) I have experienced. The 1st happened after my wife had been dead (it's only recently that I have been able to use that word) only about a week or so. I was outdoors walking our dog (I still think in terms of our, we or us most of the time). I was really feeling melancholy that day. As we got close to one of the buildings of the apartment complex we lived in at the time, "something" told me to look up and at the building I was about to begin walking past. Just as I did that, exactly where I was looking I saw a butterfly flying toward me at head level. When it got to me it flew around my head 3 times, and then flew away. This butterfly was a beautiful green and pink. My wife's 2 favorite colors.This happened in the month of January. The cold month of January isn't exactly normal butterfly season, but there this one was. I will always be convinced that it was my wife. After seeing that butterfly I remember feeling tranquil and at peace. #2 happened during the summer of 2016. My wife always liked wind chimes, so I hung one of her favorites inside the apartment in a doorway separating our living room and a hallway. Where I hung it, the wind chime was not in the pathway from any kind of wind current. This happened more than once, and each time I was laying on the bed either trying to read or watch TV. There was no one else in the apartment. I live alone now. Several times this wind chime tinkled as it would if it was outdoors in the path of a breeze. But it was indoors, and absolutely not in the path of a fan, A/C vent, an open door or window---nothing. This next one also happened during the summer months of 2016. My wife also liked to collect figurines of light houses. There was a certain truckstop in Alabama that sold some nice ones, so when I was in the area of it I would get one for my wife. One time I got her one that had a music box type gizmo on it that played ocean sound when it was activated. It was activated by a small motion sensor on it. After my wife passed, I turned the motion sensor toward a wall so I wouldn't set it off every time I walked around in the living room. Just like with the wind chime, this event also happened on more than one occasion and always when I was in bed. Even tho no one but me was in the apartment and I was in bed each time, "something" triggered the light house to play the sounds. No one will ever convince me that all these events were not my wife. I'm glad to hear that you are using counselors and such. It will make your struggles much easier to cope with. Try to trust the fact that your suffering will get better in time. It's probably impossible to say exactly when. It's different with each person. God Bless. One foot in front of the other... Darrel

My condolences to you Katie for your loss. I remember all too well how much of a basket case I was during the year of 2016. I took my wife off of life support on New Year's Day, 2016. We were together for 41+ years. I still miss her every day, but the grieving process itself is much better now. As the saying goes, time heals all wounds. You can look forward to time working in your favor as well. As to your reason for this post, I have had numerous "visits" from my wife. The most memorable ones came along during the first month after her passing, so I'm not surprised that your event with the feather has happened so soon. I won't describe them to you now, but I will if you are interested. If you are interested just let me know in this thread and I will be happy to. One foot in front of the other... Darrel

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I am glad for you that you found this group. None of us want to be here, but here we all are. It's a place we can meet at, share our stories and bare our souls, and feel safe doing it. No one is judgmental here, and there is probably none of us here that know all the right answers. But there is a lot to be gained by being able to come here, and post a message about whatever is on our minds at the time. Grief is the ugly side of each of our love story. The better and stronger our love was for our mate, the harder our grief is after losing them. The road we are all on for our grief journey is full of curves and switchbacks. None of us want to be here, but here is where we are. Marty has given us a wonderful place to come and hang out at while our souls are healing, after the loss each one of us has suffered. I am sorry you are here, but nevertheless, I say Welcome. One foot in front of the other... Darrel