olemisfit

Those of us that weren't used to the severe winters there used to wonder if the pet stores there sold penguins to have as pets. lol I was there for 2 years and I remember 1 snow storm being so heavy that the chow hall was TOTALLY buried in snow. Survival food was kept in the barracks storeroom for these sorts of reasons. The chow hall was closed down for about a week and we couldn't get to our cars to go anywhere. All the stories we all used to hear about how bad c rations were all were pretty much true. UGH!!!!

While I was in the Air Force I was stationed at a base in North Dakota. I had never experienced winters that severe before being there. The coldest temp I experienced was -70 degrees (with the chill factor). Yeah, you read that right. _70 (fahrenheit)! Is it even possible to put on enough layers for that kind of cold?! I finally volunteered to go back to southeast Asia for another year just to get away from North Dakota. BRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Gwen, here's hoping you're feeling better today. It's easy for me to understand your life as it is now because mine so closely mirrors yours. No social life. I spend about $45/month just to have a cellphone that I rarely use. I keep it going for emergency kinds of needs, but it isn't uncommon at all for me to go entire months without making or receiving calls to or from anyone one. Just those infernal robo calls that I hang up on. If somebody wants my car insurance business they should have the common decency to call me in person. No matter how starved I may be for human contact I refuse to carry on a conversation with a "robot"! Because I retired early for caregiver reasons my income has really sucked since Cookie passed. I try not to complain about my lot in life as it is now. I walked into it voluntarily, and would do it the same way if there was a repeat button. I live in an income-based HUD apartment building. I don't allow anyone here see the "real" me. There are about 75 apartments in this bldg and counting myself there are less than a dozen males living here. Most everyone here are widows, and many have health issues. I try to limit my exposure to most of my neighbors here because they have such sour dispositions. Most of the conversations I hear when I walk thru the lobby center around 2 of them comparing their health problems. One would think it was a contest or something. I don't mean to be judgmental of them, but I do try hard to not dwell on my situation. I walked into it voluntarily. That doesn't mean I like it, but if it's the price I must pay for being able to have those 41 years of sheer bliss (and obviously it is!) then I'm okay. When bad thoughts get the best of me I come here and talk it out of my system. I feel safe being able to do that here because everyone here "gets it". I'm always grateful for the understanding and compassion that is always available here. I don't look forward to tomorrow at all. New Year's Day was the day I let Cookie go. I have wondered about myself every now and then. Is there something wrong with me because of the way I re-live all these unpleasant memories? I can still remember down to the smallest of details how hard it was to get the words out of my mouth and then sign the legal paperwork so that the nurse could turn the ventilator off, for example. I don't think about any of these things for masochistic reasons. Before Cookie and I met, there was always that empty hole in me that only she could fill. I got spoiled by her filling that void. But that void is empty again, and has been for 3 years. And it always will be. Oh, well. Such is life. My apologies for rambling on so much. One foot in front of the other... Darrel

Good evening to my family here. I pray everyone is well. My full time pre-occupation this past week or so has been to reminisce over what I have experienced since Jan. 1st, 2016. That was the worst day of my life. I had to make the decision to tell Cookie's doctor to turn the ventilator off, and end her misery and suffering. I know I'm not the only person that has ever had to do that. But it is the only time I have ever had to. These past 3 years of being alone haven't been easy for me, and I honestly can't think of any way that they have been good. Without Cookie here with me I really don't see much of a reason for my still being "here". With Cookie I had a life. Without her here with me, all I have is an existence. It has been explained to me that God is keeping me alive because He isn't through using me yet. How exactly is He using me? I sure wish I knew! I've been told that I should find some kind of way to fill all these empty hours by doing something meaningful. Or at least try to develop some friendships. But I just don't feel like I'm ready for those things. I don't know if I ever will be, but I'm not there now. There's an old saying that goes something like this: "you're not really alone if you like the person you are alone with". I reckon it's a good thing that I like myself, huh? The day Cookie and I got married was the happiest and proudest day of my life. Not only was she good to me, but she was good for me. It was just by happenstance that she and I even met. Or maybe God putting 2 lost souls together. She was the front desk manager at a motel I had gone to, to apply for a job as their night auditor. When I walked through the lobby entrance and saw her standing behind the front desk it was (for me at least) love at first sight. I knew immediately that she was that special someone that I had been holding out for. That was in the fall of 1974. We had the proverbial whirlwind courtship. I asked her to marry me in Jan, 1975. We tied the knot on March 7, 1975. Nobody expected us to stay together very long. But I'm inclined to think we proved them all wrong. 41 years of bliss together. How I still miss her. Being able to give her a big ole hug, and suck face with her. Or just laying in bed together after her health started going downhill, just holding her hand while we watched TV together. Or being able to kiss her good night before going to sleep. I still miss her so very much. So, in another day or so I will begin year #4 without Cookie. I really have nothing to look forward to without her here with me. I do look forward to her and I re-uniting when I join her in heaven. She and all the wonderful 4-legged "kids" we had over the years (15 of them if I remember the count correctly) will be waiting for me at the rainbow bridge. What a happy reunion that will be. And for that reward I will gladly continue my "one foot in front of the other" ritual. Darrel

Good morning Kay. I hope you are well. Yes to the being alone today, as I am every day. That isn't intended as whining about it. I've gotten to where I'm a little bit better about accepting it. It is what it is. This apartment building is going to be a bit empty today and tomorrow. Many of the people here will be with their family members that live nearby. But someone here is going to bring me a plate of their Christmas dinner tomorrow, so my tummy will be happy. Our weather tomorrow is supposed to be in the mid 50's. None of that white stuff here to wake up to on Christmas day. If I remember correctly you're in Oregon. I spent the entire week between Christmas and New Year's Day one year while I was "truckin" snowed in at a truckstop in Burns. Talk about having cabin fever by the time I was able to get away from there! lol Then when I was able to put Oregon behind me for that trip I had to climb cabbage hill with ice underneath the snow. That was a barrel of laughs also. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger! I hope you can somehow have a pleasant day tomorrow. I've got my little critter to keep my spirits up. One foot in front of the other... Darrel

Thank you Dee, and bless you for what you said. I started including the one foot in front of the other line on my posts shortly after I started posting my comments here to try to inspire myself because each day was such a struggle for me. I honestly had no idea that it would be noticed by others the way it has. I'm amazed and humbled by all of you. And if those words have been a teeny tiny help to even one person here, all I can say is thank you Lord for putting those words on my keyboard. God bless you all. And-- wait for it... One foot in front of the other... Darrel

My hope for all of us is that the pain we all live with now is not so all-consuming and that we can begin to find some things to smile about again. MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE One foot in front of the other (we can all do this!)...Darrel

Kay, I hear ya about the critters. If I didn't have this little one of mine I probably would've done the kind of thing that there's no coming back from back in the beginning days of all this fun stuff. And to think that I wouldn't have been around for all this partying we all do around here!

Thank you very much. Nobody expected our marriage to last. Ours was such a whirlwind courtship. We were married within about 4 months of laying eyes on each other. But I'm pretty sure we proved them all wrong...41+ years together.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take...so I can again be with my Cookie. 3 years ago yessterday was the last time I heard her wonderful voice. She was extubated and brought up from under the sedative to see if she could breathe on her own. That only lasted about 2 hours, and then back under she went.She never even opened her eyes after that. She had begun to show some parkinson symptoms by then, so she just laid there and chewed on the tubes for those last 10 days of her life after the 20th. It was all so heartbreaking to see her that way. Those now are my memories of this season. I so terribly miss the sound of her voice, her wonderful belly laugh, and just being able to hold her hand or hug her. These are the days when I get a really bad case of melancholia (is that even a word?). But I will get up and put one foot in front of the other... Darrel Proudest day of my life . She was a keeper!

Awe Gwen I'm so sorry to see you're back in the hospital again. The loneliness is certainly something I can relate to. I hope everyone will pardon my blunt choice of words, but the most descriptive word that always comes to my mind is that being alone just really SUCKS! But if I could go back to 1975 and was given the chance to prevent this feeling I wouldn't change a thing. Being able to grow old together. Watching each other's hair turn gray. Watching each other's teeth fall out (lol). Laughing at each other's homemade jokes. Supporting each other through the rough spots. Being there for her when she was sick (and even when she was dying). And now being so terribly all alone. All in all, it was and is so very worth it to have been able to share all those years with Cookie. Christmas day, 2015 was the day before Cookie got the infernal c dif and started going downhill really quickly. I don't do anything for this season anymore. Not even any decorations. My family is all gone. There's no one to exchange gifts or even cards with. I do my best to not rain on anyone else's parade, but for me it's just another day now. When I was about 15 yrs. old I ended up with a bleeding stomach ulcer when my parents were dragging me and my 2 sisters through the muck and mire of their unpleasant divorce. Our doctor at the time convinced me that all that upset and worry I put myself through wasn't fixing a single issue and he broke me of internalizing problems that way. Over the years I guess I got fairly good at escaping bad situations mentally by finding something more pleasant to think about. Until Cookie's death. That "event" really sucked the wind out of my sails. But I try. What else is there to do but try? So I get through every day just by putting one foot in front of the other and plod along. Cookie wouldn't be happy with me if I gave up, so I won't do that. Be well Gwen. Darrel

I haven't said hello to you in awhile Tom, so Hello. Hope your health is good. I do agree with you. I don't like this side of the coin, but then nothing good comes without a price does it? If this is the price I have to pay for having Cookie in my life then all I can think of to say is Bring it on! You'll be able to do what your grief counselor suggested when the time feels right. You might have to make yourself do it the first few time, but you'll probably thank yourself later. I do try to focus on the good when I can. I keep our picture album handy and flip through it from time to time and think back to all those memories. It was hard on me at first. But my eyes don't leak as bad now when I do it. From my "for what it's worth" department I agree with your counselor. You'll know when the time is right. Don't cheat yourself out of all those wonderful memories. Good luck. One foot in front of the other... Darrel

Greetings Kieron. It sounds like you and I share some similar experiences. Cookie was moved to the hospital's CCU on Dec. 15th and put on the ventilator. To keep their patients for fighting the tubes they sedate them and leave them sedated when they are on the machine. The sedative was strong enough to where it was almost like her being in a coma. I visited every day, but she never (consciously) knew when I came and went. On the the 20th they extubated her to see how well she would breathe on her own.After about 2 hours they had to put her back on the machine. They shut the sedative off while the tubes were out, so we were able to visit that day until the tubes went back in. The entire time she was in the hospital that short time on the 20th was the only time she could talk to me. the day after Christmas she cought a bad case of c dif and her poor body was too weak by then the fight it off. She went downhill really fast after that. And then new year's day became the day I had been dreading. I know that I don't have to tell you how hard it was to say those words to turn the ventilator off and let her go. I'm happy for you that you and Mark were able to say your goodbyes. Because of the sedative situation Cookie and I missed out on that.

Jame, I'm reluctant to welcome you here. This isn't the the kind of place any of us would've wanted to be at. But every one of us are here for the same reason. We understand your pain because it's also our pain. Details might be different but when we lose a spouse we dearly love much of this grief journey it puts us on is the same. One thing I have figured out since I found this group is that no one is here that was involved in a bad relationship. How many times do each one of us use the words "soul mate". And it also seems that the stronger we love our mate the stronger (and even longer) we grieve after we lose them. It's a coin with one beautiful side and one ugly side. And it's a package deal. We have to accept both sides of that coin. I had to release my Cookie from this life on New Year's Day, 2016. I will soon begin my 4th year without her. I still miss her presence every day. And I am still trying to figure out what the Lord's reason was for leaving me here to flounder around alone. They say that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Cookie and I started a ritual in the beginning of our life together. When we would come home from our work each day the first thing we did was to meet in the middle of our king size bed. No, not for the frisky stuff. We would just lay there together and talk about how our day at work had been. If we got home in a foul mood because of something that happened at work, we talked about it and got it out of our systems so it wouldn't carry over into our evening together. We would just lay there still in our clothes snuggled up to each other and just talk. It always made our personal time better. And from that she has always been "My Snuggles". And I still miss My Snuggles so very much. But as much as I hate her not being here with me, I am day by day figuring out ways to survive without her. I hope next Monday isn't too terribly hard on you. You will be in my prayers, especially that day. Be well, and remember to take good care of yourself. One foot in front of the other... Darrel

Hi Jame, and thank you for the kind words and thoughts. I went through almost my entire first year of loss without any kind of support. Happening upon Marty's group here has been a definite God-send for me. I encourage you to take advantage of the help and fellowship that is here for you in every way you feel comfortable with. One thing I think I can safely guarantee is that nobody is here to pass judgment or take advantage. I won't even try to speak for anyone else here, but in my case there may never be an end to my grieving over my wife no longer being with me. She was my anchor, my lifeline, and she kept me grounded and centered while we shared our beautiful life for 41+ years. I miss her terribly every day. She was an amazing woman. But we will be together again one of these days, When God decides the time is right. Everything I do now is to make sure I qualify for my ticket to get through the gate to join her there. That definitely keeps me focused. I know how you are hurting now. You have my sympathies. Getting through each hour one hour at a time is sometimes is all we can hope for. There's some wisdom in that old saying about not biting off more than we can chew. One thing we all learn as we trudge down this path is that we are stronger and tougher than we ever thought was possible. Hang in there. You can do this! One foot in front of the other... Darrel

I'm not the sharpest crayon in the box. I don't know if I'm a masochist at heart, or just what my problem might be. I don't even know if it really is even a problem. I'll let the brain scientists or the rocket surgeons figure all that out. All I know is every year now at about this time of this month a powerful case of melancholy comes over me that I don't seem to be able to ignore or overcome. Maybe I don't want to bad enough. I don't know the answer to that one either. I am the dull crayon after all. It was on Dec. 13, 2015 that I drove my Cookie to the hospital. She had been dealing with congestion and the sniffles for a couple of days, but we both thought that it was just another allergy-related issue that would go away. But on the 13th it was getting worse. She was on an oxygen machine leash 24/7 even at home, but on the 13th she started having a real problem breathing. So right after lunch that day off we went to the hospital. Finally about 7pm a room became available and they admitted her. And on the 15th she was moved to the hospital's critical care unit and immediately put on a ventilator. She never came home from that trip to the hospital. I have her ashes here at home with me in an urn, but she isn't here. I wonder sometimes if being on the ventilator non-stop weakened her body to the point to where she was eventually doomed to never be able to live without it. I used to have several of those "coulda-shoulda-woulda" sorts of questions I wondered about. On new year's day of 2016 I had to make that God-awful decision to turn the ventilator off and end her misery. During the first half of 2016 I had guilt issues over that decision. After all, even though my decision was legal in the eyes of the law, I did intentionally and with premeditation end the life of another human being. A human being that meant everything good and wonderful to me. Fortunately, those guilt issues don't bother me anymore. Almost the entire year of 2016 came and went without me having absolutely any kind of support. Cookie and I were not able to have children, and we had both outlived our families. So when Cookie was gone, I was literally and completely alone. When her health began to fail her I retired from long-haul trucking. She needed a full-time caregiver, so I retired from being a tough, macho trucker and came home to be her chief cook and bottle washer. Even tho I had no training or background for doing it, it was a labor of love. I would be lying if I said it wasn't stressful every now and then. But I tried to never let her see it. When I felt a stress attack coming over me I would grab the leash and take our dog for a walk. I still thank God for this little dog. After Cookie passed I probably would've done something really dumb---the kind of thing there is no coming back from. But knowing that this dog depended on me for everything kept me around. On Christmas Eve of 2016 I googled online grief help and found this wonderful place. For better or for worse ya'll are my family now. They say time heals all wounds. I know that in some good ways time has helped me. I will never stop loving Cookie, and I will continue to miss her until we reunite in heaven. Knowing that I have that to look forward to does sustain me somehow. These holidays don't mean anything to me anymore. There's no tree, or decorations, or anything else to mark the occasion. Dec. 25th is just another day on the calendar. I don't say any of this looking for pity. All things considered, I am okay. I do manage to stay as positive and upbeat as it's possible for me to be. I stay busy with a book I'm writing and other "things" that keep me busy and my mind occupied. But I sure do miss my Cookie. But I still manage to put... One foot in front of the other. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to my family here.

Greetings and Salutations Everyone. Gwen you won't be alone in your aloneness this Thursday. I also will be. But then I am every day now, so there isn't anything new or different about it. My last Thanksgiving with Cookie was in 2015. By then she was very sickly and frail and bed-ridden except for trips to dialysis, but we were still together for that last one so it did matter. So this will be my 3rd one without her. I will spend the day being thankful for what she and I had and shared together and watch some football. Then Friday evening I'll watch OU whoop up on west virginia (when I say Boomer you say Sooner!). (A bit of trivia...) Cookie spent most of her life never understanding and thus not caring for the game of football. Then we got our first cell phones in 2003, while I was a truckdriver. Thank goodness for those unlimited minutes plans. If I wasn't home for a game she would call me and narrate entire OU games by phone. It didn't take very many Saturdays of that with me answering all of her questions about the intricacies about the game for her to gradually start enjoying the games as much as me. There was one particular time when I was going across I40 to California. A game started about when I crossed into Arizona from New Mexico, and we stayed on the phone until I had to stop to re-fuel the truck at Kingman. Those little memories like that mean so much to me now. I know that Cookie doesn't like it when she looks down on me and sees me wallowing in my self-pity, so I try to avoid going there. I'm finally able to enjoy reading books again, so I occupy myself some by doing that. And a number of years ago while we lived in Arizona Cookie wrote a historical romance book. It never made it past the rough manuscript stage. I spend some of my time now editing it, and maybe one day I'll get far enough along with it to "pdf" it. And I am in the research stage for a book that is only in my head at this point. So as long as we still have this internet thingamajig and I am still able to get to it I do manage to keep myself occupied. HAPPY THANKSGIVING to my family here. One foot in front of the other... Darrel P.S. The following gives me solace when I read it. So I'm just sharing it.

Amen to that. Well said

Gwen, it sounds like you & I are pretty much stuck in the same rut. As they used to say in Amway...Ain't it great"!!! I threw every bit of our holiday decorations away after Cookie passed. I just don't want to make myself look at something that I don't feel anymore. I'm not passing judgment on what anyone else does, it's just what seems to work best for me. Basically old Scrooge here has just turned into an old curmudgeon. Bah Humbug! Here's hoping you're feeling better by now.

Oh Boy Howdy. The holidays are almost upon us. What a bummer!!! It was always our favorite time of year. Cookie loved to cook, and would she ever put out a feast for Thanksgiving and Christmas both. She always made way to much, but that was always okay. We both loved the leftovers. I was always convinced that she thoroughly believed the old saying about the way to a man's heart was thru his stomach. Did she ever know how to make our tummies happy. Every year she would make me a homemade (every bit of it) german chocolate cake for my birthday in February. It makes my mouth water now to think about how good they always were. Those suckers were heavy as an anvil because of all the ingredients, but were they ever good. The best ingredient in everything she made was her love that she mixed into it all. She was a "keeper". I wish I still had her! These holidays just don't mean anything anymore-not without Cookie. One Christmas she bought a bunch of small tree ornaments that were like miniature gift boxes. I had bought her a nice ring that year as her main gift, and hid it on the tree inside one of those ornaments. After all the other gifts were opened I told her that there was one more gift somewhere in the living room, but she was gonna have to find it. She never did find it---I finally had to get it off the tree and give it to her. With her, I always did have an ornery, fun-loving streak. The holidays were always fun with Cookie. Just being with her and near her were always enough to keep a happy grin on my face. So I don't smile or grin much anymore. And I definitely don't enjoy this time of year anymore. My happiness is in heaven now. But when she and I re-unite when I join her there we will both have something to smile about again. Having that event to look forward to is where I get the grit from to keep on putting one foot in front of the other each day. Cookie is my angel now. One foot in front of the other... Darrel P.S. I don't want to be guilty of spoiling anyone's holiday spirit, so I won't post anymore until sometime in January. Cookie passed on new year's day (2016) so it won't be until after that. Happy Holidays to my family here!

This is the time of year my wife loved. She loved Halloween. We even operated a costume shop at one time. She would've worked there without pay just for the chance to wear a different costume every day. I will admit that we had a whale of a good time doing that. And of course Thanksgiving and Xmas was always wonderful with her. Now this time of year is always depressing. It's habit by now so I reckon I'll keep doing the "one foot in front of the other" gig.

Gwen, your first 2 comments that I changed the color of made me laugh at myself. I can remember what it used to be like to get back up off the floor sooooooo easily. Now I have to get on my knees (which itself can be a struggle on bad days), crawl on my knees til I get to something to support myself when I struggle to get the rest of the way up. I'm 6'3", so it's a long way down to that dern floor. Ditto about dropping things. I've always been a bit on the clumsy side, but anymore everything I pick up is coated in crisco. I think I have a good grip on things and they just slip right out of my fingers. If I threw everything away that I drop these days I wouldn't have anything left. And I do know what you mean about the empty bed. I had to leave our (I still think in terms of "our", "we", and "us") king size bed behind when I left the Houston area last year. The hurricane Harvey flood ruined everything that Cookie and I always thought was important. It's amazing how much water a mattress can soak up! When I landed back up here in Oklahoma I replaced it with a queen size bed. But even the smaller queen size has a big empty spot on it every night. My little dog sleeps there now, but oh how I wish it was Cookie. The things we got so used to and I suppose took for granted all those years our loves were still with us. Life was so wonderful then. Now what I have isn't a life. It's just an existence. Oh well, one foot in front of the other, I guess... Darrel

Shirley, I'm so glad you had a better day today. As you continue on this journey you don't want to be on be sure you always notice and pay attention to the better days. You will have relapses too, but the pleasant breaks from this new reality will be like the light at the end of a tunnel. Like the old cliche, time heals all wounds. One foot in front of the other... Darrel

Gwen, I'll share something with you that my mother used to say to me when she would see me down in the dumps when somebody had done or said something unpleasant to me. In this case it would be you when you're around your boss where you volunteer. Just paste a happy grin on your face and let her wonder what in the hell you've got to be so happy about. My grandmother used to tell us kids that it takes fewer facial muscles to smile than it does to frown. If someone is trying to beat you down, don't let her win. She isn't worth it! Hang in there. We're all pullin' for ya. One foot in front of the other... Darrel

Something wonderful is happening. I have I guess passed a few good mile markers on this danged journey. There will always be potholes and speed bumps, but it's really nice to hit a smooth patch now and then. Cookie and I were both very avid readers. When we had to close down our book store we ended up with a lifetime supply of books to read. Since Cookie's death I have had no desire to read a book. I've tried to several times, but after a paragraph or two I just never had the desire to continue. And the same with listening to music. Something is happening. I am about 2/3 of the way thru a 392 page book, and yesterday and the day before I have enjoyed listening to several of the channels I have on Pandora. It's has really been nice and enjoyable. I'm not saying all this to brag. But I do want to share it with everyone who is floundering around (like we all do here) and feeling there will never be an end to all the misery. I will likely never find the end of this road, but if I can actually enjoy things every once in a while I will okay with that. Hopefully I will continue to want to read and listen to music from now on. One foot in front of the other... Darrel