widow'15

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Widow and Kay, I left the house today to bare plowed streets for a drive north just to go somewhere different.  It was maybe 9 miles and I took the freeway which was a breeze.  When I left the store driving home the snow hit and I was so tense when I got home I was shaking.  My bad back doesn’t help either.  I know walking in snow boots and worrying about falling made the pain worse.  I had to sit for a few minutes after I changed and fed the dogs to decompress.  If only Steve would have been home.  I could have handed him bags at the top of the porch instead of climbing the 6 steps that feel like a mountain.  Heck, it could have been a perfect weather day I want him here.

What totals are you two looking at in this round of storms?  News in Seattle said 5/10 inches by morning and then it picks up again tomorrow night.  The news said home owners are supposed to keep sidewalks cleared for pedestrians.  Yeah right.  I can’t even do my driveway.  I did get creative and drove my SUV up and down the driveway and thru the pile the plows make several times.  That helped a lot.  With 2 more storms coming, I find it redundant to shovel between (when I could).  Thank gawd I have a carport.  My neighbors cars are all covered the worst I’ve ever seen.  Too old to deal with that.  

Gwen:  You are one brave lady to get in your car and drive anywhere in Seattle today.  I hope your neighborhood doesn't have hills.  Since the snow started on Friday there has been an accumulation of about 5 inches in my part of Tacoma.  All day I've felt like my house was being bombarded as the clumps of snow tumbled out of the two big fir trees hanging over my house.  Thankful the wind gusts didn't pick up any stronger, causing limbs to fall on power lines resulting in power outages in the area.

There are no sidewalks I need to shovel - if I did, I don't think I could.  I did see my neighbors shoveling off their driveway evidently they need to go somewhere tomorrow.  A neighbor offered to back my car out of my garage.  I thanked him and said, not to worry, I'm not going anywhere.

Am beginning to miss the grey, rainy days. LOL.  Dee

14 hours ago, kayc said:

It looks like I'm to have 3-4 ft of snow through Tuesday but snow prediction continue for the foreseeable future.  Trying to shovel it by myself is overwhelming and exhausting.  When it gets down to the teens at night it freezes up and whatever you haven't shoveled won't budge.

I'm 66.  I don't know how I'm going to do this in another ten years.

kayc:  I had 4 inches last night here in Tacoma and it is 20 degrees now.  But, luckily I don't have to shovel anything.  I couldn't if I had to.  I am housebound and won't even attempt to go anywhere.  Am dreading the next few days with the weather predictions.  You ask yourself, "How you are going to do this in another ten years ?" I don't want to do this for another year. Of course I'm ten years your senior. 

Be careful and don't hurt yourself.  Dee

19 hours ago, Gin said:

I feel the same.  Such a lonely life.  I try to do things, but that is not the answer.  There is no answer.  Remembering the good times just makes me sadder...they are forever gone.

Gin:  Yes, it is a lonely life and sometimes it is so hard not to be envious of others who still have their husbands or have gone on without their husbands and found another "friend".  I have a dear neighbor who lost her husband shortly after I lost mine.  She met a widower in her support group and they have become constant companions now for the past two years.  I am truly happy for her, but wonder sometimes how could someone who was married almost 50 years replace that ?  Am I envious or what?  Sometimes I think this loneliness has made me crazy in my head.  Dee   

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Today is our 36th wedding anniversary.  I had totally forgotten except my counselor asked what day in January it was. 

Gwen:  These days can be so painful.  Again, please know you are in my thoughts as you deal with your health issues.  You are too young to have to go through this. 

I don't try to forget these special days, but I try to convince myself, it is now just another day, not that special day it used to be.   Just like holidays, etc.  Just another day.  Take care.  Dee

1 hour ago, kevin said:

Marg, you motivated me with the talk of your stationary bike....just did a twenty minute spin(back side sore but muscles feel good).....Still have to work off all the Christmas snacking weight I gained.  Intermingling with neighbours, involved in playing cards and some Dice game, its fun meeting new people........Neighbours got me to go to Dance lessons next Tuesday...Western Line Dancing...Don't regret the move at all.....

Kevin and Marg:  Good to read there are people like you two "motivators".  I just finished about a 30 minute walk with my dog and I think it gets harder, not easier,  huffing and puffing up the slight hill towards my front door.  The sun was out and beautiful so was a good outing, although it was on the chilly side. 

And Kevin it is so nice you are so happy in your new life.   Dee

On 1/24/2019 at 6:22 PM, scba said:

There is a beautiful story from V. Franklin in which he describes the moment in which he had a conversation with his wife (both separated in different concentration camps). Not knowing if she was alive or dead. It is about love that transcends time and place. I believe is about our love stories too.

Peace

Ana

Ana:  Thank you for sharing the lovely story by V. Franklin.  I have bookmarked to reread during those heart wrenching moments that seem to surface when I am not totally in charge of my grief.

In the past, I have occasionally had dreams of my husband that I recall, but not lately.  I am hoping as the weather improves and I'm outside more,  my sleep time will not require  a mild sleep aide and my brain will not be asleep.     

Daily, there are constant conversations with Bob.   I stare at his picture and beg him to tell me what I should do to carry on with my life.  For over 50+ years we always discussed what we would do next together.  And now, at my old age I have to try to figure it out on my own.   There is no other choice.  Like Darrel says, “One foot in front of the Other”.  Dee

On 1/23/2019 at 12:57 AM, Gwenivere said:

How is Maddie doing, Dee?  I try and grab our phone before the machine because it has Steve talking on it.  Tho I love his voice, it cuts me to the quick.  My elder dog, Ally, is slowing down at almost 14 unless a squirrel shows up.  🐿

Gwen:  So far Maddie  is doing well.  Her last ultra sound on the 12th showed no tumor(s) had returned.   This type of bladder cancer does return unfortunately, so I am thankful for each day she is a happy girl.  Maddie is about 11 1/2 years old, not a puppy.  Her appetite is still good and loves her walks.  I wish I were younger and more able to take her on longer walks.  Your Ally must be healthy and happy to still be interested in chasing a critter at age 14 years.   

Shortly, after my Bob passed, I had my son change my answer machine and now I wish I hadn't.   I hate that sometimes I feel like I am forgetting Bob's voice.  There are videos mixed among our photos and old vcr tapes that maybe I'll have the courage to listen to some day, just not quite yet.

Dee

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Questions with no answers but the obvious.  The Shriners called today for him.  I told the girl he was deceased and she said 'we’ll kick him off the list'.  I said thanks for the bad choice of words.  

Gwen:  Oh my goodness, what kind of person would say such a thing?  I hate it when I receive a call on my landline, yes I still have a landline which I refuse to give up since it has been our number for over 40 years, asking to talk to my husband.  I tell them to please remove the name from their calling list cause he doesn't live here any longer.  Some of them must have removed his name cause I seem to get less asking for him.  But then there are those dang "robo" calls.  I used to let the answer machine pick up, then I would pick up when I recognized the caller.  But now, with my Maddie and her health issues, I don't want to chance missing a call regarding her appointments, etc.  I had one of those "robo" calls the other day, and the voice on the other end was actually speaking in another language - sounded like Chinese.  If nothing else, I had a laugh for the day.  LOL - Dee

6 hours ago, TomPB said:

One reason I can see to go on is to do everything I can to make sure Susan is remembered. I supported scholarships in her name at an organization where she was active on the Board and I'm going to their annual meeting to meet the first awardees and discuss future plans. That will be hyper emotional.

TomPB: Your generous heart to keep Susan remembered is wonderful.  The emotions you feel at this organization meeting will surely give you peace and comfort.  Dee

5 hours ago, A&K said:

I pray for all of you.  I think of everyone often.  

Love Katie. 

Katie:  I think of you so often and pray for you and your boys.  Hugs and love to all of you.  Dee

23 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Dee, glad Maddie is doing well.  I didn’t recall she was on chemo.  Dogs do so much better with that.  So glad we now have specialists for this.  Hugs to you.

Gwen:  Thank you.  So far she is doing well.  Each day with her is a blessing.  Dee

On 1/13/2019 at 7:41 AM, kayc said:

OMG, Dee, that is wonderful news!  Maddie got a reprieve!  Does the chemo make her sick? 

Yes indeed, one day at a time, I have to do that still.  Every time I start worrying about the future, I make myself go back to TODAY.  Today is enough.

Kayc:  Yes, right now the news is good for my Maddie.  The chemo so far hasn't made her sick as some dogs suffer.  She just acts more quiet than usual and less active for about four days after the treatment.  She so far has kept her appetite and still seems eager for her walk.  She is my reason for living right now and I keep praying the news will be good as long as possible.  Like your baby she is 11 years old so is already up in her years.  Actually, we are the same age. LOL. 

Hope you are feeling better by now.  Dee

12 hours ago, kevin said:

Gwen, assisted living or a homecare worker for a few hours daily not a bad idea.......Proud of your Quit ,you will see the benefits of not smoking  soon....Keep up the fight, this Journey definitely has some steep hills...Picture of me with youngest grandson...Christmas Eve

Kevin:  What a precious grandson you have.  Your smile says it all.  Dee

7 hours ago, kayc said:

It all seems like a far away dream to me, the life that we had.  So long ago...

kayc and Gwen:  Maybe in my old mind/brain/whatever it is, I still haven't accepted it is really, really real.  That's how my memory plays tricks on me.  When I do realize it is real is when I can let myself get down in the dumps. 

Today as I drove my fur baby, Maddie for her fourth chemo treatment and an ultrasound, I did have good news.  The ultrasound indicated no tumors were noted.   All during the 20 minute drive to the vet hospital I kept talking to my Bob to please be with me,  and prayed to God to please let the news be good news today.  And that is all that I can ask now, is "One Day At A Time", no matter how my mind (?) works tomorrow.

Dee

On 1/8/2019 at 7:09 PM, TomPB said:

Just finished my Susan meditation and realized that I remember her parent's house in VA in amazing detail, even to what food was where on the shelves, what old toys were lying around etc. Strange something can be so present in my mind when it's long gone...TomPB

TomPB:  Yes, our minds do play such tricks on us.  It is puzzling sometimes when we can recall a memory as if it was yesterday when it happened so long ago.  Your ability to recall such detail is interesting and I would think is comforting to feel as if you might still be there, when you were happier and more content with life. 

Some nights when I can't sleep I take my mind to the happiest times with our little family walking together in the woods.  I can almost hear the birds, feel the breeze rustling the leaves with our silly dog running ahead of us.  Does not feel so long ago either,  but it helps me realize how fortunate I was to have such a life once.  Sometimes, it helps the sleep to come. 

Good Dreams.  Dee

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Saw my lung doc Tuesday.  Not good news.  Seems my disease is progressing and options are infusions that would lower my immune system to ease the inflammation.  They also have steroids in them.  She also feels the hypothyroidism is a big culprit and increasing those meds will be hard too on the anxiety.  There’s also that back surgery hanging over me.  I told my counselor yesterday that it seems like a gun to my head, but my odds gone if the trigger is pulled, all the chambers are filled.  I had a feeling about the lungs, but the doc added the blasting cap.  She talked about palliative and hospice care.  I suppose I’m already a candidate for assisted living when I think about it.  I reminded her she is dealing with someone with no will or motivation for getting stabilized.  I’m guessing that’s the most I could hope for.  Or slowed down a bit.  All this in the last 2 years.  For the other 2 without Steve I could at least breathe and walk normally.  Made all the difference.  Would now too if I had a reason - him.  I’m so compromised in my thinking in this alone.  Knowing I would still be alone if I did these grandiose things.  I miss my guardrail.  How he stood between me and falling of the road.  I resent having done that for him and now when I need it, he’s gone.  I don’t resent him, I resent how cruel life can be.  For everyone that faces adversity and is empty inside.

Gwen:  My heart breaks for you.  Am stunned at your news.  It's like you hit a wall every which way you turn.  Know you are in my thoughts and I hate that I can't be of some help to you.  Life is not fair and is understandable you resent how cruel life can be.  You are in my thoughts and prayers as you make your choices ahead of you.  Take care.  Dee

Y

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m sitting here another day wondering why I’m even here.  Sorry for the pity party again.  I just don’t know how long I can keep doing this.  I want to sleep and escape.

 

 

Marg said it all.  You do have more on your plate than most.  Just know you are not alone when you "sign on" to this site.  We do think about you.  Dee

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I am so glad the holidays are over.  This was my 5th without Steve.  They keep feeling worse.   I accept he is gone.  I read about others feeling time helping them feel a little less pain.  It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me.  There are so many other forces  in play too.  My health is the worst ever.   Can’t volunteer.  Alone all the time.  I’m still watching the world from the outside.  I hate every waking moment.  I care about nothing.  I feel like I am losing my mind. 

For the first time in my life, I know no active love.  I’m so tired of hearing people around me plans and zest for life.  I’m just taking up space that I can barely take care of.  Aches, pains and all, he would love me back.

Gwen:  I was thinking about you about 2 a.m. this morning as my power briefly went off with the windstorm blowing through the northwest.  I hope your home didn't suffer any damage or you didn't have your power go off.   

I too am relieved the Holidays are over.   The last Christmas with my husband was 2014 and really can’t say it has gotten any easier.  As I went to bed last night I made plans  to take down the little bit of Christmas decorations today, but instead ended up using my energy to pick up more branches outside.   Grrrrrr.

I constantly try to push away feelings of envy when I listen to friends, neighbors, etc. talk about their life and activities.  I really am happy for them but I remind myself, once upon a time I had that life even though I know I will never have that happiness again.  

Take care.  Dee

16 hours ago, TomPB said:

Maybe Susan is seeping through She has been in my dreams more. I can't see her face and she's just saying some daily life thing - the other night she asked if I really wanted to wear those pants. I hope that will lead to a loving dream where I see her brilliant smile....TomPB

Tom PB: How nice you have dreams of Susan.  So funny you would hear her questioning your "pants".  Wish I would experience more dreams with my Bob.  Maybe I do and I just don't recall when I open my eyes.  The few dreams I have had I write down as soon as I can.  Dee

16 hours ago, TomPB said:

Me too.

Someone has to go first in every loving couple. When I talked to Susan through the psychic, she said she did because she is more telepathic and could teach me how to reach out to her spirit on the other side. When I talk to her every night I say well, you're not doing a very good job. She says it's hard to get through that thick 🐼 skull.

I always tried to protect Susan and one positive thought is that by going thru this hell I'm saving her from grief world. OTOH she was so much more serene than me that I think she could handle it a lot better.

Still can't wrap my mind around going from Susan having a bad cough but apparently nothing more to her leaving this mortal world in about 10 min. From having the circle of love we'd built over 48 years in place to being alone. Thoughts like that were magnified with the flu. First time sick since being alone. I'm over flu now. Swam this AM and felt surprisingly strong. But I'll never be over losing my other half.

Best wishes to all for 2019, be it enjoying or surviving. Tom🐼

 

TomPB:  Good that you are over your flu and you felt well enough to get in a swim.   Luckily, or maybe not so lucky I have not yet been sick since my husband passed.  Unfortunately though, whenever my Grand kids and family are suffering a cold, etc., they know they have to stay away which makes it difficult for me.

Being "hardheaded" sometimes can be a good thing.  I think that is what drives me everyday.  My husband was also "hardheaded" but we seemed to manage a long married life of almost 51 years.  We both loved one another but we also respected each other's space.  He loved to fish; I hated it.  But, I never discouraged him to not to do what he loved.  I encouraged him like he encouraged me.  Am sure you and Susan's marriage was perfect for you two.  She may be "gently" seeping through your head without you realizing.

And, no we will never get over losing them.  Dee

11 hours ago, kayc said:

Thanks, I tried doing a search even with poetry and funeral sites, but came up empty handed.

kayc:  Yes this is a beautiful, meaningful poem.  I think this is almost the same poem. 

https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/my-dearest-family/#content

Hope you can pull this up.  Dee

On 1/1/2019 at 5:22 AM, kayc said:

Dee, my son used to live in Tacoma, when he was in the Air Force.  I have a lot of DF and Cedar trees, but also Madrone (they don't seem to drop their limbs), mostly I think I'm picking up DF limbs, they're old trees.  I don't bother picking up in the forest on the bottom of my property, it's mostly the front yard, but they are ever dropping.  Roseburg seems to have a lot of  deciduous trees, George was from that area and we used to love to take drives there in the fall, he had family there, I never hear from them, beautiful country though.

I didn't stay up for the ball to drop, I have to work at the church today and was hoping a good night's sleep would help my brain...not sure it did. 

kayc:  He must have been stationed at McChord AFB.  Been there many times.  My husband was retired military.

Madrone trees are continually dropping something too.  Beautiful trees though.  I don't have any in my yard, but my neighbor has a gargantuan cedar that crowds my gargantuan fir tree in front yard.  Always something to rake up. Exercise, exercise. 

I thought I'd stay up and watch the fireworks on TV but quickly got annoyed seeing so many happy smiling faces so took my dog out in the backyard for her final walk around the yard, but she was so nervous with all the fireworks in the neighborhood, we came back inside and went to bed.  Happy New Year, LOL.  Dee

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Thanks, Dee.  

None of them wanted to leave.  That’s the part that sparks my inner rage at having another decade or more.  I know people die of all ages.  But I can only live in mine and feel robbed as it was supposed to be retirement for Steve.  One he richly deserved.  He made the most out of the 4 years battling cancer, all the while knowing he had to hurry.  Just wasnt right.

Gwen:  I feel your anger that Steve had to leave so young, just when you two had plans to be together for your retirement.  I can't begin to understand why life turns out the way it does for some of us.  I am thankful I had my husband as long as I did, and feel at times I don't have the right to complain when I know younger couples as you and Steve had such a struggle battling his cancer.  Just know you are always in my thoughts.  Dee

16 hours ago, olemisfit said:

Well folks, I hope and pray that 2019 is a better year for all of us.  Lord knows, we deserve it!

So today begins year #4 for me. The day that is supposed to be full of hope and promise for us turned into a day of sadness for me 3 years ago. I spent a big part of yesterday trying to think of ways to make 2019 a better year for myself.  I am tired of these constant carpet burns on my chin. I don't like constantly being depressed and unhappy any more than anyone else does. It's not a fun place to be. There will always be those trigger events that will cause me to backslide, but my objective for this new year is to try harder to find something each day to smile about. I flipped through our picture album a while ago, and I got through it without my eyes leaking any. If I didn't have my memories I really would be out there wandering around in the proverbial ugly wilderness.

Darrel:  You did it again - you seem to know just how to say the words that help put my thinking onto the right track.  Thank you and it is my hope you will have the 2019 you pray for.  Sounds like you made it through the day.  Dee

On 12/30/2018 at 8:18 PM, Gwenivere said:

I was.a guest of the ER again Friday.  

It’s been so hard thru another bout with the holidays and now sick, watching my older dog age too, I've lost all motivation to keep plodding forward day after day.  I’m beginning to like the nights because one isn’t expected to be productive and busy.  It’s OK to sit around and take up space, which is mostly what I do.  Chores don’t fulfill me, they just have to be done or surrender to squalor.  I’m so tired of my major thought being.......where did the sense of purpose go that made life normal to be replaced with such indescribable emptiness?  How did it come.to this? 

Gwen:   Less than an hour until the last minute of 2018 and I can imagine you and I are probably watching the fireworks at Seattle Center on TV.  I do hope 2019 will mean less ER visits for you and less discomfort in your back.  My heart goes out to you as you worry about your fur baby. 

Daily, I ask myself a similar question, "Why did he have to leave me?"

May you have some relief in 2019. Best Wishes.  Dee