widow'15

9 hours ago, Cookie said:

 

Hi all....haven't been on in a long, long time.  Partly because I can't seem to shake the sorrow of loss no matter what I do and wanted to be able to come on and have some progress to report...But, still missing John horribly.  Did get a new poodle puppy. 

He does keep me busy.  He's very loveable and cute, but a holy terror. 

Cookie:  What a beautiful baby boy and I love the name, Rio.  You are a brave lady to take on a puppy.  Have not been around poodles much, but understand they are a very bright breed.  Your wanting to have shaken some of the sorrow and loss of John after a long time is understood.  I really don't believe we ever shake the sorrow of loss, no matter what else comes into our lives.  But, Rio may temporarily fill up some of that time when your heart is missing John.  

You and Rio have a Blessed New Year.  Dee 

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Dee, your life sounds like mine, where in the Pacific Northwest do you live?  I'm in Oregon...I spend a LOT of time picking up branches in the yard and street!

Morning kayc:  I live in Tacoma, WA - about 35 miles south of Seattle.  The fir trees in my yard - 3 big ones - are constantly dropping cones, branches, limbs, etc. and there are many more in my neighbors' yard that know no boundaries.  I try to think of them as my exercise program.   Your home in Oregon sounds as if you are more in a wooded area.  That's the kind of place my son lives about an hour away from me.  Lots more trees on larger pieces of property.  My daughter lives outside of Roseburg, OR where there are very few fir trees.  Beautiful country, tho.

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Someone sent me an email on Christmas which I read night before last and in it they said they hacked my email and put malicious software on my computer a couple of months ago, trying to extort money from me, supplied me with one of my passwords, which they said was to my email.

 

Oh My Gosh:  Would not know how to survive a computer problem of this magnitude.   You are in my thoughts and prayers.  Dee

1 hour ago, kevin said:

The weather is a refreshing -4 F today, will spend 20 minutes shoveling again......Have a Good New Years

Kevin: -4 F is refreshing?  Oh my Goodness. ❄️  Am happy to see you are feeling better today, but don't over-do the shoveling.  At least the sun has finally come out here in the Pacific Northwest today, with 45 degrees.   My dog and I will have a nice walk and I will attempt to pick up as many fir branches in my yard as I can  before the next wind and rain storms begin again.  

Have a Blessed New Year.  Dee

On 12/26/2018 at 8:08 AM, Elly57 said:

I had and old house coat of my mums I couldn’t part with when she passed away. In 2005. When My husband passed in 2014 I had trouble parting with all of his shirts.

 

Elly57:  What a wonderful idea to re-purpose your Mom's and husband's special clothing into Memory Bears, such beautiful treasures.  Your story makes me feel I should complete so many projects sitting untouched for so long.  I don't have any excuses as I have long been retired but seem to make excuses why should I care.  I know I should care if not just for myself to feel like I have some worth.  Thank you for your inspiring story and for sharing your picture of your lovely daughters and their  beautiful treasures.   You are a special lady who will surely enjoy a wonderful retirement.  Dee

On 12/23/2018 at 5:45 AM, kayc said:

 At least I'll have a brief time w/family, although it'll mean at least 5 1/2 hours of driving for 3 1/2 - 4 hours time together, and they're predicting snow which makes me nervous, I hate driving in it.  All the more so since I'm driving my son's vehicle and I don't think it has full coverage.

kayc: Keeping you in my thoughts as you hit the road, driving in snow possibly - I totally don't like driving in the snow and ice at my age.  I usually stay put at home.  There used to be a time I would drive in ice and snow heading up to the ski area with three other ladies aboard.  Oh my, how times have changed as the years have passed so quickly.  Be safe and enjoy your family and have a Blessed Christmas.  Dee 

3 hours ago, A&K said:

Happy holidays to all.  I wish we all had our loved ones back.

Oh, if that was possible Katie, it would be so wonderful. 

Please know you and your sweet family are in my thoughts and prayers.  Hugs and Holiday Wishes to all of you.  God bless you.  Dee

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

This is a good catch all topic.  I spent my 4th ER trip yesterday for lack of breath, headaches and just worn out.  They were dry busy so I was there 6 hours.  Threw off my whole night and I was more stressed out than I realized.  There was a very hostile patient yelling profanities at the staff.  I’m so tired of all these expeiences and being alone.  Talk about repetitive.  I tried draping some lights on the mantle but didn’t like it.  Moved them to around the TV area and can tolerate them.  I can’t wait til Christmas is over and I never thought I could feel that way.  The last thing I needed was more to make this intolerable.  This is physical, but I know a lot is also being solo in a holiday meant to celebrate togetherness and family.  Both things I lost.

Gwen:  So sorry you went through another ER visit.  You must be so exhausted.  I am assuming you have to drive yourself to ER which can't be good in this awful gloomy, wet weather we are having.  Seattle traffic would make me more than stressed or anxious.  Being alone and unwell is not easy and especially this time of year. 

I know how you feel about decorating for Christmas.  I did find the will to put up my silly driftwood tree and had my granddaughter decorate it a couple of weeks ago.  But, hardly find the desire to plug the lights in.  Daily, I turn on Christmas music hoping for more motivation.  Kinda helps a little. 

Please know, you are in my thoughts and am wishing you warm wishes to stay well and find a little joy. Dee

6 hours ago, olemisfit said:

MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE

One foot in front of the other (we can all do this!)...Darrel

Darrel:  Thank you for your Holiday Wishes and yes, "One foot in front of the Other" - as hard as it is some days, I do keep trying.  May you and your sweet fur baby enjoy your Holidays together.  Dee

7 hours ago, kayc said:

Dee, been going through the wind storms too, I not only pick up all the branches on my place but the ones on the street so no one gets one stuck on the under side of the car, doing damage to it.  None of the neighbors seems to be inclined to help me so I consider it my mission to clear the road of debris as the county rarely shows their faces.  We've had a LOT of wind storms lately!  My burn pile is as big in one week as it was from the whole year previous!  And that was more than usual.  Someone clear-cut the property at the end of the street so it all whips up through the canyon, roaring down our street, creating havoc in it's path.  Now the same people have their house up for sale and will leave us with what they've done for US to contend with from here on out!   None of the neighbors are very happy with them.

kayc:  You sound like my husband.  He loved the big trees and if I asked why don't we cut down the big one in our front yard so there wasn't so much upkeep from their branches, needles and cones on the house and yard.  That was a useless question. LOL

You are a good neighbor looking out for others by picking up the limbs in the road. 🌲 Dee

7 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

My great, hunky YOUNG neighbor came and moved some downed branches from my deck and swept it off.  Way more than call of duty. 

Gwen: Yay for good neighbors👏  Dee

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Well, I have bronchitis.  What impeccable timing.  As if the holidays weren’t enough, plus the existing physical battles.  My CT showed a fractured vertebrae in my mid back also.  Explains the extra pain I did not need.  Pouring rain too.  As always, somhard to be alone.  Dragged thru the day and hoping I can do it again tomorrow as I have a vet appointment for my other dog.  Of course everything runs out like dog food and everything that can fall does.  It’s a test of will I hope I pass.  Can’t even think about the holidays.  Each day seems to bring another crisis.  Things that were once manageable as a team.  

Gwen:  Noooooo - so sorry to hear you have bronchitis plus a fractured vertebrae.  No wonder you are in pain.  Was this the reason you were considering surgery not too long ago?    

Have you have been watching the weather, it's not looking too good for the next few days here in the Northwest.  More rain and more wind predicted this coming week. 

About an hour prior to the windstorm Friday, my neighbor's landscape man blew off their leaves, fir needles and cones in the front of their house and being kind neighbors my driveway was attended to by the workers.  Not much more than an hour later the windstorm hit and filled up the entire cul de sac again with needles, branches and cones.  Oh the joy of living in fir tree country.  I spent yesterday redoing what I could while hoping for a longer extension cord so not to have the drain at my driveway clog up when the predicted rains came today.  Could barely walk I was so sore and stiff today.   How many times I used to see my husband blowing off the drive and street with such ease.  

Thinking of you and hoping for some relief for you.  Dee

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Thank you, Dee.  You confused my dog with Kay’s,  mine is Ally and a few years older.  The appointment went OK, waiting on blood work.  I’m hoping some possibilities are not in her future.  The topper was the battery of my cR was drained when we were trying to leave, do had to call the auto club.  Just niormal life things that get so draining in grief survival mode.

Gwen:  Oops, sorry I confused the fur babies.  I seem to have to write EVERYTHING down to remember anymore.  Today as I was walking my Maddie, I stopped to talk briefly with a couple of neighbors and had to smile and respond to their questions if I'm looking forward to Christmas.  So hard to say, smiling, "yes".

Anyway, am still hoping Ally is okay.  It's no fun waiting for those blood work results.  

I can remember the first time I had to call AAA when the grand kids didn't shut the car door properly and the battery was drained.  As I am rushing to go somewhere, I tried to start the car and that sickening grinding noise that told me the battery was not going to do anything.  I could only cry until I realized, I had AAA.  One more thing I never had to worry about having a husband to take care of those issues.  Good for you, you had the auto club to come to your rescue.  I only hope you weren't out during the horrendous high winds today in the Northwest. Hoping for good news.  Dee

Jame:  Sorry to read of your loss.  

I lost my dear husband in 2015 after we had accidentally discovered he had bladder cancer.  Prior to his death he had no symptoms.  Once discovered, he chose to have surgery to remove his bladder and continue the rest of his life as usual.  The surgery created an infection and he had to return to the hospital.  The night before he was to be released, he passed a blood clot and suffered a heart attack.  I was blessed to have been married to him for almost 51 years, unlike you and your husband......so young and ready to enjoy all the plans you had made for your retirement.  I am so sorry.

I found this site and like you, read the encouraging words everyone shares and finally joined.  It has helped me so often.  Like so many will tell you, "Take One Day at a Time", or if possible, one minute at a time.

Dee

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

This isn’t just grief and the smoking withdrawl.  I sure miss being super woman,  tomorrow is vet day for my dog and I am very nervous.  At almost 14 I have many concerns.  It’s also supposed to be very rainy and windy.  She’ll be scared as always so that bleeds onto me.

Gwen:  I read this note from you last night as I was getting ready to go to bed and did not respond with my concern for you and your Arlie at that time.  I understand this fear you have for him at this stage of his sweet life.  I did go to bed and offered up a prayer for you and Arlie.  Am hoping the appointment went well. 

Thinking of you.  Dee

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

Sometimes I think God left me here for a reason, I am not a complete person yet.  I used to be loving, but I find myself having a cold heart and that cannot be me, I never had a cold heart.  I was mischievous sometimes but not this cold feeling to my existence.  I even forget to tell people "thank you" and "I love you" and I feel so guilty.  And, I feel guilty because I should count my blessings that I have all those people needing me, it makes me seem like I might have a reason to live.  I wish that for all of you too.  I do know Gwen, all those years of volunteering, you most likely have dozens of people who have no one but you and to someone like that, that makes you indispensable as well.   My 💗 is still with you and all the rest and I hope your health improves so much this next year.  All of you.

Marg: You are blessed to have your family so close every day and I think I know what you are saying about "God left me here for a reason".  I constantly wonder why am I here and just what am I supposed to do with myself.  Everyday I ask myself why did God take my Bob from me when I need him so much.  I know now I am not a complete person and was the closest to being complete when I was married to my husband.   My two children are not always right here every day, but so far when I can't function they find a way to help me as best they can.  I am thankful for that and try to remind myself there are so many of those who don't have anyone to help.

I will disagree with you though, your words that seem to flow so easily, are not words of a person with a cold heart.   You give me joy reading your "word salads".

Gwen's willingness to volunteer has been a Blessing to many by showing them they are cared about.  Dee  

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m sick of it being dark at 4pm.  Holiday shoppers, TV ads, shows and all the other things I used to love just make me bristle with resentment.  I want to crawl into bed and never wake up.  I want to cry but it changes nothing.  Just another vent.  I’m sure it’s the smoking thing, but I’m angry all the time it seems.  I miss enjoying anything.  

Gwen:  So sad you have to endure the insurance company run around game.  I am surprised you were able to get a real person to talk to.  Seems anymore all that is available to one is a recorded voice repeating a multitude of options telling one to push #1, etc.   Am hoping you can get this issue settled soon.

I second your complaint of it being dark at 4 pm.  The Pacific NW has been sunny recently but it is reaching the low 30's and 20's during the night which drives my achy bones crazy.  I hesitate to complain to my doctor too much or she will prescribe some pain pill that will have worse side affects.

If you need to vent - please do.  As you can see from everyone's remarks, you are in our thoughts.  Hope you can feel our support.  Dee

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Laying here in the ER once again wondering why I can’t breathe since dropping cigs and on the patch and lozenges.  anxiety ramped up that I am here, again without Steve and worried about my furry kids.

Home now.  All tests OK.  Most the doc could figure was the nicotine change.  I was getting more oxygen than I was used to so my scarred lungs have to work harder. 

Gwen:  Sorry your were in ER again and know you must be somewhat relieved you are home in spite of being alone in such a time.  Interesting that giving up nicotine can be such an ordeal on the body.  I understand the withdrawal, but to think your lungs having to work harder can be an issue.  Please know you are in my thoughts as you get over this hurdle.   Dee

24 minutes ago, Gin said:

He is back home and we are all checking on him.  He has appt. with new neurologist, but not until Jan.  He says he feels better.  The epilepsy medicine he is on makes him very depressed.  Hope they can find a good alternative. 

Gin:  Glad to hear your grandson is back home and feeling better.  Keeping him in my thoughts and prayers that another medicine alternative can be found.  Dee

10 hours ago, Gin said:

Polly,. This is my 4th one without Al, also.  I will set the manger up and that will probably be it.  I am sure my daughter will want me to set up the little fiberoptic tree, but I do not feel like it.  Just got word that my grandson had to go to ER because he had another epileptic seizure last night.  He s 26 and I feel so bad for him.

Gin:  I hope your grandson is better this morning.  When I was a child, my uncle who lived upstairs in the same duplex with my family would have seizures. Hopefully he is home once again.

And this is my 4th one without Bob.  I too am trying to get myself into some kind of Christmas Feeling.  My Granddaughter will be spending the night with me on Sunday evening so I plan to have her help me decorate.  I have what I call a "Christmas Memory Tree" which is a tree made out of driftwood that my mother in law created years ago - it's not a typical Christmas tree to say the least.   The branches are wrapped in silver tinsel rope and small white lights and I hang my children's ornaments they made in grammar school (my kids are 50 and 44 yrs old now) along with other memorable Christmas ornaments and photos.  My two grand kids get a laugh at their Father's artistic ability.  I purchased a wreath from the Boy Scouts last weekend and it is hanging in my front entryway.  So hard to push through the pain of the loneliness, especially this time of the year.  Dee

53 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

You’re trapped In an emotional tornado right now, it being barely.10 days.  Nothing makes sense and the shock is more than overwhelming.  As you can, I hope you will tell us more about yourself and wife.  No, it doesn’t feel real.  None of us felt it could possibly be real.  I’m so very sorry you are here.  

Very well said Gwen.  So very sorry for your recent loss CaptJack8642.  Dee 

Gin:  So sorry you sound so frightened but understand your grief intensifying your fear.  This being alone without someone to help us is so worrisome.  Since you say you have power,  just try to stay put and not get too anxious to get out.   Thinking about you and hoping the storm is over. Dee

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Living with constant pain can make you want to do anything to stop it. 

My only option is surgery which of the spine scares the beejeezus out of me much less the months long recovery with no guarantee it will work.

Tomorrow is my bday.  Gotten a couple cards, but not the gift that was taken from me and will never be returned. 

Gwen:  I won't wish you a Happy Birthday, but I will wish you Birthday Wishes that you have a decent day tomorrow and maybe find a short period of time when you aren't in physical pain.  I sympathize with you and your never ending pain.  My daughter suffers with chronic back pain.  She has had two back surgeries and every kind of pain medication to enable her to live her pain filled life.   She has a friend that has a pain pump.  Would this be something that might give you relief?  I had never heard of it.  

Birthday Wishes - Dee

19 hours ago, A&K said:

So we made it through thanksgiving but not unscathed.  Myself and both boys are sick.

This is a long bumpy road... 

Katie:  So very sorry for your family to be so ill.  It seems like more challenges are everywhere for you and your sweet ones.  Your Mom sounds so loving to be there with all of you.  Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.  Dee

47 minutes ago, TomPB said:

Then walking home from the train I looked at the huge full moon and thought, I don't know who I am anymore, what am i doing here?

TomPB:  Funny you shared this as this is exactly how I felt yesterday spending Thanksgiving Dinner with a neighbor.  I did my best to be part of the kind neighbor's Holiday celebration and I am Thankful I was invited.  But once back home I asked myself , "Really, who am I anymore?".  At least now, I know I am not loosing my mind.  Hopefully, I will soon have an answer.  Thanks for sharing.

Dee

1 hour ago, Amy Mcleod said:

I would say do whatever gives you comfort . I still have my ring on my left ring finger and his on my right middle finger , at this point i cant bear to take mine off but maybe someday i will be able too.

Amy:  Yes, do whatever gives you comfort.  It has been three years since I lost my husband, I still wear my wedding ring.  It's not that simple for some of us.  Only you will know when it is time.  I also wear his  wedding band on my right middle finger.  

And, yes the waves will come without any warning.  Take care of yourself.  Dee