widow'15

Amy:  So sorry to read your introduction to this forum.  I lost my beloved husband in April 2015 unexpectedly.  Your happy marriage was not nearly as long as mine.  All of us here have different stories but all of us were not ready to say goodbye to our partners.  The only advice I can tell you that has gotten me to this point, is as others have mentioned, is "Take only one day at a time".  

You along with your children will have much to deal with in the coming years.  I was sixteen when my Dad unexpectedly died as the result of an automobile accident.  Hopefully you will have family and friends living around you for support.  This on-line discussion group has gotten me through many a rough spot just by my signing on and reading that what I am is feeling at the moment has been experienced by others.  This tells me I am not losing my mind.  Take care of yourself and your children.  Dee

Gwen and all:  I decided to accept an invitation from a sweet neighbor who lives down the street.  The family has two children who adores my fur baby Maddie.  They have spent many days this past year throwing her ball for her to chase.  My son's girl friend's mother also invited me to spend the day with them but I felt I couldn't impose on my son to have to drive almost an hour to pick me up, then drive me home afterwards.  My being unable to drive at night can be a real problem in these short winter days, and besides I didn't want to be away from Maddie for a good part of the day.  Actually, I would prefer to be home but since the neighbor was kind enough to offer an invitation I accepted.  I can walk home.

This will be my fourth Thanksgiving without my beloved husband.  In the past, he would be planning to brine the turkey, prepare it to be put into the oven Thanksgiving morning and making sure to baste in a timely fashion.  I would be busily preparing the cornbread dressing, sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole, potato casserole, pumpkin pie, and/or apple pie, etc.,  preparing for the family to be with us in our home. 

Seems like I lived in another world from where and how I have to live now.   I am Thankful I have some Happy Memories of past Thanksgivings to fall back on.  Next, how to endure the upcoming Christmas Season.  I heard a  Christmas Carol on the radio today and felt that emptiness in my stomach and heart.

I do hope each of you have a Thanksgiving that is not too painful and I am Thankful I have a place when I feel so alone I can sign on and see that I am not totally alone.  Blessings.  Dee

5 minutes ago, Marg M said:

 But, I don't have to tell you this, you are the Angel who substitutes for bad family and friends.  Thank you for being that person Gwen.  You remember the forgotten.  💟

Yes  Gwen, Marg profoundly said exactly what you do by sharing your time with the nursing home residents.  You are the Angel who remembers the forgotten.  God bless you for doing so much good.  Dee

8 hours ago, kayc said:

Katie,

You sweet sweet girl, to think of us and be thankful in the midst of all you're enduring.  We can only say that we love you and are glad you're part of us...just not for the reason/circumstances.  Life is indeed strange.  This place has enriched my life and although I can never be glad for the reason, I'm definitely glad I found this place in the midst of my sorrow.

kayc:  So beautifully stated to Katie.  Your beautiful thoughts seem to flow so lovingly. 

I know for sure I am happy I found this place.  And, I wish each and everyone of you some peace as we have to walk this path without our dear ones at our side.  Dee

15 hours ago, Marg M said:

My magical thinking mother would say "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride."  My more down to earth mother-in-law would say "wish in one hand and _______t in the other and see which one fills up the fastest".   

Marg M:  Thank you for being Marg.  You can always add light to a dreary day.   Dee

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I got good news at the vet about our lab but the good faded so fast.  Couldn’t share it. 

Gwen:  Hope your good news about your lab has settled in today and gives you some joy.  Am always hoping for joy no matter how small.  Some days I have to really search in every corner of my day.  Dee 

Katie:  So very sorry.  Know you are in my thoughts.  ❤️🙏  Dee

9 hours ago, KarenK said:

It is Ron's voice you still hear on my voice mail. I have no reason to change it. I still have a cassette made at Xmas in the 80's with his voice. No videos.

KarenK:  Wish I had saved the message on my answer machine.  I had my son record a new message shortly after my husband passed away.  It was too painful to hear his voice at the time.  But, now I wish I had not changed it. 

Can't imagine having to grieve for a husband and then to be faced with the loss of a daughter.  My heart hurts for you.  Dee

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Steve’s voice is on our answering machine too.  If I am home I desperately try and beat it to picking up calls.  Hearing his voice is still too much after 4 years. 

Gwen:  I totally understand what you are saying when you hear Steve's voice.  I made the mistake of changing my answer machine message right after Bob passed away.  I had my son record a new message.  I wish I had been able to save his voice message just in case I will someday be strong enough to listen to his recorded voice.  Maybe I should have bought another landline phone and saved his message on our old phone. 

I tried to save his message on his cell phone but the young man at Verizon mistakenly removed the message.  I have since upgraded my cell phone so doubt if message  could have been transferred from a flip phone to a smart phone.  

One day as I was looking through my photos on my lap top that had been saved, I mistakenly opened up a short video my daughter had taken of him playing with our grandson and could hear his voice laughing and being silly.  Had to close it down immediately.  I know someday I will be ready and hope it will be comforting, just not ready yet.  I can look at photos, just can't listen to that voice that I thought would always be here with me.  Dee

Gin:  So understand the pain you are feeling today and so sorry for your sadness. 

What a wonderful day it must have been 18 years ago for all your guests to have had a short poem written for each of them and to have seen how happy you two were to create your special day for yourselves.  I know he is smiling down on you - especially today.   Dee

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Yesterday was Steve’s bday.  I stayed busy all day but it’s hitting me now.   

It just feels more lonely as there is no one here.  

Those special days our memories tell us used to be a Happy Day can be so difficult.  Even though we pretend we can get through them there is always that painful reality there will never be that Happy Day celebration again.

Gwen, you may be alone with no one there right now, but please know you are in my thoughts during this difficult time.  Will hope the x-ray will provide you some hopeful news so you can begin to get stronger.  Dee  

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I know, long story.  I hate dealing with contractors.  All this would be a moot point if George was here, he would have taken care of everything himself and done it right.

kayc: Oh my heavens Kay - what a nightmare you had to go through.  Our husbands would have dealt with the contractors or taken care of it themselves. 

My head tells me I need to move from my home; it's too much square footage, too much to maintain, too much yard work, and I have a fear of hiring contractors I know nothing about being here alone.   But......when I try to think about where to move, I think about all the reasons why I can't.  I know the problems this house has, or I think I do at the moment.  I am centrally located to my doctor's offices and easy for shopping for groceries, have great neighbors, etc., etc.  

Am hoping you survive the upcoming winter months and will pray for very little snow or rain in your "neck of the woods".    Dee

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I totally get it.  I don’t know what I’d do without my Ally girl.  I have to help into bed ay night now because I need her curled up with me to sleep.  She's kinda into the ear rubs and petting as I fall asleep.  How much longer for the cone?

Gwen:  Tonight will be the last night with the cone - sutures will be removed tomorrow. 

Have often thought about sleeping with her to calm me some evenings, but sleep in a twin bed - she would probably kick me out on the floor. LOL.  She does sleep in my bedroom in one of her beds.   She has a bed in almost every room in the house.

I love Ally's name.   She sounds cuddly. Dee

God Bless you Katie and your two sweet boys.  Dee

On 11/5/2018 at 5:54 AM, kayc said:

Dee, I'm glad for Maddie that she'll soon get her cone of shame off.  I can imagine how they hate that!  They haven't found one to fit my dog.  The one they sold me for $35 I returned because he could reach right around it with his long legs and it did no good whatsoever.  One reason I put off having surgery on his cysts, how would I get him to leave them alone and let them heal?  Instead he's had to live with them.

Kay:  Trying to visualize your dog reaching around his cone - he must be a real character - keeps you smiling I am sure.  Last year I had a cyst removed from Maddie's  "armpit" and instead of the cone, used a Tank Top.  She looked so cute. 🐶  Dee

On 11/5/2018 at 1:22 PM, Gwenivere said:

Dee, clear margins is great news.  I totally understand us doing what we can.  I have a near 14 year old and am doing anything I can to keep her healthy and happy.  Never had luck with cones.  Just policed my kids all the time I could. 

Gwen:  Every night when I put the cone on Maddie, this is one less night to wear the cone.  My daughter was staying with me the past three weeks and she found a wonderful soft cone at Mud Bay.  Maddie seems much more comfortable in it and doesn't bump into everything including my shins.   So far, between the two of us watching her like a hawk she has healed well.  Am hoping to keep her with me as long as I can.  I need her more than she needs me.  Dee

On 11/6/2018 at 7:53 AM, krissyaldridge said:

Decluttering? Letting go of personal belongings?

Am I moving about this too soon? 

I lost my precious husband of 50+ years in April 2015.  I have tried to "declutter" gradually as I have found some days I think I can go through his clothes and/or belongings, collections, etc., and after 15 minutes I have to stop and wait until I am stronger.  It may take me a week later to get back to it, or sometimes it still isn't done yet.  Grief plays games with us.   We are all different, so don't let anyone, friends or relatives, tell you what is right for you.  You will know what is right for you.

So sorry for the loss of your lovely wife and your young son.  Just continue doing "One Day at a Time". Dee

10 hours ago, shebert56 said:

Quick update on my eyes.  All well, other than the right cataract has changed my vision.  It hasn't grown, but it prevents 20-20 in that eye.  No macular degeneration or glaucoma!

Shirley:  Great news, no macular degeneration or glaucoma.  We take all the good news we can when we are without our spouse/partner.  Dee

On 11/2/2018 at 12:49 AM, Gwenivere said:

Oh Dee, I am so sorry to read this.  I truly hope Maddie is not suffering with this.  How is she doing?  I so abhor cancer.  I don’t know which is worse, knowing what is going on or not understanding the changes as animals don’t but they something is wrong.  

 I understand your tears.

 

Thank you Gwen for your comments. The surgery went well and the surgeon felt there were clear margins.  Next thing is how I will decide to fight the cancer, as it is the type that generally comes back.  My Maddie is almost 12 years old, so want to make sure her years with me are as comfortable as can be.  Right now she seems like nothing is wrong except she has to wear the "cone of shame" at night so she doesn't lick the sutures - will have them removed November 10.  Am trying to be positive and take one day at a time.  Dee

12 hours ago, KarenK said:

Can't seem to outrun old age. It catches me no matter how fast I run. Am going to have to get more teeth pulled and partial dentures if I want to keep eating. Not what I wanted to hear, but guess I needed another reason to feel depressed.  lol

KarenK:  So sorry you have this to go through.  When you find a way to outrun old age, and being alone - please pass on the secret.  I could use that secret.  Dee 

On 10/31/2018 at 7:38 PM, Gwenivere said:

Where’d everybody go?  

really tho...to those having a hard time my heart goes out to you.  To others that are doing OK, I’m happy for you.  Just never seen it go so quiet.

 

Guess I'm one having a hard time.....my precious fur baby, Maddie just had surgery to remove part of her bladder.  The UTI she had a couple of months ago turned out to be bladder cancer.  I am praying and hoping it was caught soon enough that I can keep her with me for at least another year.  Her oncologist seems to think it is possible.  Interesting that my husband died as a result of bladder cancer surgery. 

My daughter from Oregon has been here with me through this ordeal and keeps telling me I can do this.  I have doubts though.  Dee   😭

8 hours ago, olemisfit said:

I had bought her a nice ring that year as her main gift, and hid it on the tree inside one of those ornaments. After all the other gifts were opened I told her that there was one more gift somewhere in the living room, but she was gonna have to find it. She never did find it---I finally had to get it off the tree and give it to her. With her, I always did have an ornery, fun-loving streak.

So I don't smile or grin much anymore. And I definitely don't enjoy this time of year anymore. My happiness is in heaven now.  But when she and I re-unite when I join her there we will both have something to smile about again. Having that event to look forward to is where I get the grit from to keep on putting one foot in front of the other each day. Cookie is my angel now. 

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

 

Darrel, you sound like such a kind, loving husband.  Your Cookie was blessed to have spent those happy times with you.  The little package hanging on the tree was so special.  Your "Angel" is smiling down on you.  May the next months not be too unbearable for you.  Dee

Happy you are back home with your sweet boys and feeling stronger.  Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.  Dee

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

My volunteering is my 'hobby', for lack of a better word.  It’s all I have that I feel is mine and makes a difference outside myself.  Being with people that light up and speak your name is a wonderful feeling.  Tomorrow would be a volunteer day, but the b*tch in power took it away.  I was SO looking forward to it as it is the date of 4 years of no Steve.  The timing couldn’t be worse.  I’d actually have a reason to smile being with my people.  Don’t know what I’m gonna do.  His van needs gas and a run.  Used to be I just grabbed my cigs and phone.  Now I have the oxygen tank, disability placard and nicotine lozenges.  I guess I’ll just see how I feel when I wake up.  Gotta get out here for awhile.  To top things off, we’ve been in downpours and expected tomorrow too.  Could it get any more depressing?  I don’t wanna know.

Gwen:  Please know you are in my thoughts, especially today.   Just try to do one thing today that will give you a tiny piece of Joy.  The weather up here has been trying to say the least.  If you don't like the weather, just wait a minute and it will change.  Learned that when I met my hubby up here and decided this was where I was going to live some 50+ years ago.   

My son in law, God love him, mailed me a small box of chocolates from Oregon and I just devoured one and somehow, I feel better at the moment,  and the sun just came out from behind one of those dark rain clouds.  Dee

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I hesitate to use the word welcome as none of us want to be here.  💔

Gwen:  So well said.  "None of us want to be here", but since we are, we want to help.  Thank you for your words.  Dee