widow'15

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Just want to curl up and cry today. 

Tired of feeling better with the blinds drawn in my night clothes.

Gwen:  So sorry you have lost an acquaintance/friend.  Seems even sadder to hear this kind of news as we know the pain is still so near to us with our loss.

Your statement wanting to "curl up and cry today" was the first thing I thought I wanted to do when I woke from a good sleep this morning and realized it was Friday.  I could only think how much the weekends really get me in a funk.  One small positive being Friday, if I can scrape the barrel for a positive is I needed to get dressed and get outside to relocate my garbage,/recycle cans back to the side of the house and out of the street.  Oh yes, sometimes I have to push myself to get out of my night clothes. 

The shorter days and the beginning of our rainy Pacific Northwest fall days is not appealing at all. ☔

Take care, Dee

39 minutes ago, A&K said:

I’m truly aching right now.  My heart hurts so much.  I want my Allen.  My tears are so endless.

  Why does it all have to hurt so deeply.  It’s all so very raw.  Do you ever cry so hard you feel like you just won’t survive?   That’s where I’m at.  And my Allen isn’t here to hold me.  Oh how this hurts.  😢😢😢😢😢

Katie:  I wish I could give you answers.  All I know is that your heart hurts so much because you loved your Allen and your babies so much.

Yes, there are many days I cry so hard I don't want to survive.  You are gifted with some precious babies who will be there to help get you through this sad, sad time as you gradually get stronger.  Right now, let your tears flow whenever you have to.

Have you in my thoughts and prayers.  Hugs and Love.  Dee

12 hours ago, brat#2 said:

Dee, our vet suggested putting the pills in peanut butter on a spoon for both our dogs and cat and it would work like a charm.  They seem to love the peanut butter and couldn't wait until the next dose was due.  Just a suggestion.  Good luck!

 

If ever have to approach pill giving again with Maddie, I will try to remember the peanut butter trick.  I did try the pill pockets which are sort of like a treat and she'd manage to consume the pill pocket and drop the pill.  It didn't help that the pills were really large and had to be broken in half.  So not just one dose at a time, it had to be three doses at a time.  I justified the extra expense of the shot as a gift to me and not having to stress her.  She is such a love, I hated that look in her eyes when she knew it was pill time.

20 hours ago, kayc said:

I pray your dog gets well.  Have you tried a mortar and pestle for grinding her pills and mixing them in some food?  You'd have to check with the vet if it's okay and some pills can be ground and some need to reach the stomach intact.  I'm glad they could give her a shot!

 

Thanks Kayc for your concern and suggestion on the pills for my Maddie.  I had asked the Vet if I couldn't crush pills and put it in her food, but they said since the pills taste too bitter she might not get all the food and medication into her.  I will have them make a note in her records that pills will not be an option anymore, since my poor memory continues to fail me.  Maddie weighs 71 lbs. and I can't lift her into my car, so I pray she continues to hop up on her own.  If not, I am not afraid to ask some younger stronger neighbor.

Dee

Gin:  This is the Big Elephant in the Room that keeps me awake at nights.  When and how to go through his clothes and all the stuff that was him.  We have to do it at our time.  You know how and when you are ready.   

So sorry to hear of your recent health concerns.

Dee

Shirley:  Sorry you have to go through this anniversary. 

I can remember the first time I took my dog out for a walk  after my husband passed.  It was a semi warm Spring day.  I could see a few neighbors in their yards as I hesitantly left my driveway, and as I got to the intersection, a dear neighbor was driving her car around the corner.  She  stopped her car in the middle of the street and walked straight towards me and gave me the biggest hug ever.  We wept for a few seconds.  That was the first moment I knew how it felt to be with someone who truly knew my pain.   You will be in my thoughts.  Dee

15 hours ago, kayc said:

 Tears are like a release valve on a pressure cooker though, it is a release to let some of that out.

Kayc:  Labor Day evening I noticed my beloved dog's urine seemed awfully dark, and noticed there was a glob of blood.  First thing, next morning the Vet prescribed antibiotics.  After two days, Miss Maddie would not cooperate w/pill taking - no pill pockets, nothing would work.  She would let me think she had swallowed them, then I'd hear a plop on the floor.  Next day brought her back in for an injection that will replace the pills.  Next, my computer is beginning to react like it might quit and I am totally dependent on my laptop for everything nowadays.  Throw in a couple of doctor appointments for myself and the ever-gnawing feeling that my Maddie's issue could be more than an UTI on my aging fur baby I had no idea how I would do this on my own.  When I got into the shower yesterday, I found myself bawling like a baby.  Out of the shower, I felt okay -  I can do this.  It was a huge release.  I decided I would replace this particular Friday as my "Cryday".  May not work for all, but it got me through the rest of the day.  Dee

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

 In the same identical second I know that he is not.  I cannot say that there is any feeling of any sort.  I know he is not there, not gonna be there, but after 54 years the habit of  thinking he is still there hangs in the air and then my feet hit the floor and my mind comes back to this world.  

Marg: Another sickening feeling is when I can't wait to tell my husband,  who has been gone 3 years,  something or ask him something, and realize that can't ever happen again.  We always had so much to share.  Miss that so much. 

Sharing your sadness.  Dee

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m watching my life unravel from the hospital experience and have no one to break the tension with a joke or a hug. 

Gwen:  So sorry you have these feelings of fear.  Please know how I wish I could get in my car and find my way out onto I-5 and drive the 35+ miles to Seattle.  Nowadays my vision problems don't make me feel comfortable whizzing along the interstate anymore.  Years ago I had no problems driving to downtown Seattle or even through Seattle up to Mt. Vernon to visit friends.   I could sit with you for awhile and maybe find something silly to smile about.  Or, we could drop into a small, quiet restaurant for a cup of coffee,  anything to let you know you are not totally alone.

Take care, Dee

10 hours ago, Tankerr50 said:

Learning to take it one day at a time.  

Tankerr50: 

Thank you for your kind words.

The first anniversary of a loss is so difficult, as well as the second and third year.  I am living without my loving husband the fifth month of the fourth year.   I learned I had to take one day at a time right away, or I knew I would not survive.   Just today, while at an annual meeting for a business matter, the kind gentleman asked how I was doing, and as usual my response was, "One Day at a Time".   Dee 

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.  🙏  Dee

19 hours ago, MariesBabyGirl1990 said:

Marg M, Gwenivere, widow '15 I think this is so truly beautiful that you each have your own unique ways of coping. ♥️ I think that its so lovely and nice to hear that you have pillows or clothes etc that bring you comfort. I also have two night dresses belonged to my mam, i sit with one when i am watching tv and hold onto it. And the other one i sleep with every single night. I also have a suitcase full of some of her favorite clothes and her favorite leather jacket... now i dont feel so weird about doing what i do. (If that makes scene)

😭😥😥

MariesBabyGirl:  You should not feel you need to explain to anyone what gives you peace in grieving for your loved one.  When my mother passed away some 19 years ago, my daughter, who is now 50 years old,  helped me care for my dear Mother -  she suffered with dementia.  After her passing away my daughter kept a large zip lock bag of her clothing that she opens occasionally to reunite with her Gramma's special way of always smelling so beautiful.   Please don't ever think about feeling weird - you aren't - you just loved deeply.  With loving thoughts.  Dee

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

Next month will be three years.  I still sleep on a pillow stuffed with two pair of his pants and a shirt he wore all the time.   

Marg: Every night I sleep clutching a small pillow my husband used to have to sleep with between his knees since his hip replacement some years ago.  Nestled between the pillow case is another folded pillow case that was on his bed pillow prior to his last hospital stay.   Some days, I just have to unfold that pillowcase and hold it for a few seconds and pretend he is still with me even after three years.  Dee

On 8/31/2018 at 5:43 AM, Kieron said:

His bathrobe still hangs on a hook.  I won't part with that either.  Thankfully I never threw it in the laundry from the last time he wore it. 

Funny what is true and similar across the board, no matter how different our circumstances.

My husband's robe,  a Christmas gift I gave him shortly before he passed, is worn by me in the winter weather and is so warm and comforting - I imagine him placing his big long arms around me giving me one of those hugs I so miss each time I wear it.

Similar, and is comforting to know we can all find peace in our own way without judgement. 

Dee

On 8/30/2018 at 8:33 PM, Gwenivere said:

Thank you, Dee.  We’re not far apart in location or timeline.  I’m in Seattle and my loss was 10/14.  🦋

Gwen:

We are not far apart in location at all.  I am a North westerner only because back in 1964 I married my husband who was born and raised in Tacoma.   After having my 7 year old granddaughter stay with me the last week for three nights, I regained some energy, (she is a little chatter box),  and decided I needed to get outside and enjoy this beautiful NW September day.  I took my dog for a short walk and was glad I did cause a dear neighbor, also a widow,  and we visited for a few minutes.  These unplanned events always help on these lonesome weekends.   Dee

 Gwen:  My thoughts are with you as you recover.  Dee

On 8/25/2018 at 2:55 PM, Gin said:

I really dislike weekends. 

Gin:  I totally understand your feelings about weekends.  Long about Friday evenings I begin to dread going to bed because I know there will be two long days where there will be no neighbors coming and going.  As I sit at my table and look down the street I feel like I am in the "Twilight Zone" and I am the only one left on this earth.  These two days, I rarely leave the house cause the traffic outside my neighborhood has picked up on weekends at the grocery stores and shopping malls with everyone else being busy with their lives.  My small family is always so busy with their own chores and activities, and the distance to drive to their house, if they are home to "drop in" is not easy for me.  On those days I do begin to wonder what am I going to do with myself with all this alone time I am left with.  There has to be more to life than this.   Eventually I make myself get back to the never ending task of sorting through, or cleaning up something that once was so carefully done by my husband.  While doing this chore it is a sad reminder of the end of a happy life I used to have with my loving husband.  I pray for Monday to come.  Dee

Katie:  So so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl.  God bless you and your sweet family. Dee

On 8/25/2018 at 5:36 AM, kayc said:

I'm a worrier too, can worry about anything, especially in the middle of the night when I need to be sleeping.  I've learned if I don't get back to sleep in an hour, to get up, pray/meditate, read, come here...oh and take something to help me sleep...then try again.  Nothing worse than tossing/turning for hours!

 

Kayc:  I find it is amazing how bedtime usually tells me I am sleepy and ready to sleep, but once the head hits the pillow, am wide awake and worrying about all the things I think I need to worry about.   Am in total agreement with needing adequate sleep in order to function.  I too had to ask my doctor for a sleeping pill for those nights that the tossing and turning becomes too much.  I find on some nights I can drop off to sleep if I have been more physically active than usual, i.e., walking my dog, working in my yard,  or last week I had my two grandkids staying with me due to no daycare.  Each evening my head hit the pillow and I was out.  I realize that I am too old to do the childcare thing year round,  but it did give me the opportunity to drop off to sleep without even thinking about a sleep aide.   LOL.

Darrel:  My thoughts are with you as you celebrate and remember your wife's Birthday.  Keep remembering how she would smile at you as she looked up to your 6'3" stature.   Dee

I will have those moments where I realize I'm getting "old" (will be 69 in December) and scared about the loneliness of doing that alone.

Cookie, Marge and Marita:

Looks like I have all of you beat.  I will be 77 in September.  And, the only good thing I can find in admitting being the "elder"  is that I know I won't live forever, and my Good Lord knows I don't want to, because  I will be living those unknown years alone and without my love.  I am blessed that he left me with wonderful happy memories to keep me sane  and try to relive those times on those terribly lonesome days.   He passed away two months prior to our 51st Anniversary.   A very small family and few friends gives me small chances to interact with people, and honestly sometimes when I do force myself to go out and about I wonder why did I think this is what I wanted to do.  Simply trying to order take out food sometimes at a restaurant or counter is more than I want to deal with.  Either my hearing is failing or they are speaking so fast I can't compute.  Dee

Kate:  You have gone through so much in your young life.  I can't begin to imagine what you must feel.  I do know,  right now is try not to think about tomorrow or next week.  Just get through the next minute, then the day will take care of itself.  One Day at a Time.  Please know you are in my thoughts and I pray for the strength you have inside of you.   Dee

Darrel:  Thanks for sharing that  "little ditty".  It is beautiful.  I can understand how you must be feeling about your wife's upcoming birthday.  Those special days can be so difficult but so can so many other regular days.  There seems to be so many times I call upon my husband's name lately.  I know he is close by,  just as your wife is close by as you celebrate her Birthday.  Good Thoughts to you.  Dee 

On 8/1/2018 at 4:30 PM, Cookie said:

Dee:  I found so much in what you wrote to relate to.  I also feel such great pain 3 years out and it has surprised me.  Thought it would be easier, like a lot of people say.  My husband was also an outgoing friendly guy, which I greatly admired, and I too feel like it should have been me and not him.....just wanted to commiserate with you.  You are definitely not alone in the way you feel....hugs, Cookie

Thank you Cookie.  Your shared feelings help.  And, no, it hasn't gotten any easier even though 3 years have past.  But, I only take one day at a time, and don't look to much into tomorrow or next week.  Dee

Gwen:  So sorry you have to go through this alone as well as be separated from your fur babies.  I can barely go to the grocery or a doctor's appointment and be away from my sweet companion, Maddie.  She is the one that gives me a reason to get up everyday.  

Take care, get stronger,  and know you will soon be home where comfortable surroundings await you.

Dee