Guilt_beyond_imagination

MISSING YOU, PARKER, MY PRECIOUS ANGEL, I clearly remember the night I was on the desktop computer in the other room shopping for your Dad’s birthday and Christmas presents. I waited until he was asleep to do my shopping. You slowly walked in the room. You were unsure if you could be in there with me. You were always so obedient. You saw me smile and then I got one of your beds so you could be comfortable. You stayed with me the entire time. Just watching me. You always followed me around the house. I loved that. Sometimes I didn’t even know you were there until I went downstairs and then I would look for you. I miss that. Your brother Leroy misses you so much. He is wearing a cone because of his surgery. I know you would be kissing and grooming him. You would always groom him and your other brother and look at me while you were doing it. It was as if to say, “Hey, look at me.” You were such a “licky and licking” kind of dog. When you were done with your meal, you would lick your bowl dry. When you gave me kisses, you always went for the lips. I would tell you, “No, not on my lips,” but it was too late. You already slobbered me up. You were so lovable. I have never had a dog who was as lovable as you. You spread your love among all of us. It was never-ending love. I miss that. Parker, I don’t know how to get by some days. Time seems to stand still, yet it goes by fast. The world keeps turning, so I have to keep up, but it is very difficult without you. Each day is a struggle without you. I expect to see you in the morning, rolling around on your back, trying to copy your brother, Porter. You really didn’t know how to roll around like he does. You and Leroy would mimic him, but he is the official back roller. He is Curly Howard reincarnated, but then sometimes I would think he was more like Moe. You were still very cute when you rolled on your back. I miss that. You three were my “maniacs.” It was crazy time in the morning, at feeding time, and going outside. Things are so different here without you. It seems more serious. It is quiet now. There are no maniacs. You were the leader. The craziness is gone. I miss that. Parker, I am hurting. I need you here. We need you. This is not the way it was supposed to be. I planned to take portraits this summer of you three and put the prints on the walls. That will not happen now. For some reason your brothers run the other way when they see the camera. Of the three of you, you were the one who was so good posing for pictures. I miss that. Parker, one night when you were out late with your Dad, I came to get you and Porter. I put the two of you in my car. You left muddy footprints on the back seats and on my console. I have not washed them off. I will never wash them off. You were so cute when in the car. I miss that. Parker, everything I did, I did it for you three little ones. My “Boys.” You were all my Baby Boys. I washed your bowls daily. I washed your bedding weekly. I did not use dryer sheets. I was concerned about the chemicals. I worried about you breathing in those strong odors from paint stain so, I did not stain the wall trim. It was never a burden to do things for you and your brothers. It makes me happy to care for them. I wish I could care for you now. I miss you. Parker, the Cardinal has been here for a couple of days. It has been in our yard. Please stay if that is you or your messenger. I am wanting to believe you are with me, and that you are telling me you are safe and you forgive me. I miss you. I LOVE YOU FOR ETERNITY LOVE, MOM

HELLO MY LITTLE PARKER, I am still missing you so very much. Your brothers were on the deck this morning. It rained last night. I remember telling all of you not to lick the water after it rained. I did not want you to get sick from standing water. I watched over all of you like a hawk. I cannot understand how I let this happen. You and I were very close. You were my little model when I made clothes for you guys. I remember how good you were about trying on the clothes. I would put them on you and take them off, over and over. What good little boy. I knew that then. The last time you had your modeling session was just before this happened. I remember that day so clearly. You kept coming in the room to let me know it was time to eat. I asked you to wait a few minutes. I was just finishing up your little coat. I put away that coat. I cannot look at it now. It hurts too much. I am sorry if I am making you sad. Mom is very sad. I did not hear the Cardinal for a while, but I heard it on Thursday and I saw it yesterday. I hope that was you, Parker. Please give me any sign. I will look for it. I wish you were here. Every single day I want you to be here. I miss you every day. Your brother Leroy needed minor surgery on his face last Monday. He had two small cysts removed, he also got his teeth cleaned. Parker, I know you watched over him because he is doing very well. One cyst was on his eyelid and being checked for cancer. My baby, I am praying your brother does not have cancer. I should know by Wednesday. I know you will make it right. Leroy must wear a cone. He is getting used to it. He managed to pick up his squeaky toy in the cone and squeak it while running around. I know the two of you would have had so much fun. You would have tried to take the squeaky from him. He has been pretty good going up the stairs and opening doors. I was surprised when he came upstairs on his own and pushed open the bedroom door with his cone. It is kind of funny and cute. I am glad Leroy did not try to go down the stairs. That would be dangerous. I keep the gate closed to the stairway. I keep the door closed to the basement. Nothing is going to happen to Leroy or Porter. I will make sure of it. Parker, I hope you are spiritually here with us. I hope your brothers can feel your spirit. Leroy looks sad. I absolutely know he is missing you. You were there for your brothers. You never left Leroy’s side. You were there when Leroy was sick. I remember you kissing him on the face. I have pictures you the two of you. I always loved those pictures. I knew from the start how close you and Leroy were. You were close to your brother, too. You were their best friend. You were my little sweetheart. One of my three best friends in the world. I am missing one. How could they do this to us and never give me an explanation? I am so sorry Parker that I allowed you go there. It hurts me so much. I wish I could make it up to you. The only things I can do are to keep talking and writing to you, take very good care of your brothers, and I will never forget you. My sweet little baby remember that Mom has always loved you. I will be looking for a sign from you. I would much rather have you here. FOREVER YOU WILL BE IN MY HEART AND I WILL FOREVER LOVE YOU. LOVE, MOM

DEAR PARKER, MY PRECIOUS ANGEL, Yesterday, your brother Leroy had drippy-runny eyes. It dripped down both sides of his nose. You were the only one to have that. It has only been the last two times that Leroy has had this. Once in a while, your brother Porter would have it, but never as much as you. It was every day for you. You would always let me put drops in your eyes, you knew you felt better after I did that. Leroy would not allow me to use the drops, so I did not get a chance to clean up his eyes. This morning it was gone! Just like that! Now I am asking myself if that was you? Was that you again? He had the runny eyes about a month ago and I thought the same thing. Parker, if that was you, please come to me today. I have been hearing the Cardinal. It has been nearby. Please come to me, send the Cardinal to me. I want to know if any of this is another sign from you. Dad is not home now, and your Mom is having a rough time. You may be seeing me cry today. I do not want to be sad, but it is a struggle not seeing you here. Yesterday we let Leroy run around the yard without his leash. We used to let the two of you do that and you both would chase each other and have such a good time together. As usual, Porter was still on his leash. You know he would take off if he was loose. Leroy ran up to Porter to try to play with him, and he snapped at Leroy. He was never good friends with him as you were to both. Their best friend, and brother. We let Leroy and Porter run around in the garden without their leashes. You loved being in that garden. Just as your brothers do, you loved the different scents from each plant. I could always trust leaving you and your brothers in there to play and not wreck the garden. How I miss those times. I miss you. Tomorrow Leroy will be getting some small lumps removed by Dr. Chris. I am a little worried because he is being checked for skin cancer. I am also somewhat worried because he has to be sedated, but I know Dr. Chris will check his blood work the same morning and he uses the best modern and mildest sedatives that will not harm Leroy. I am still a little worried. I am asking you, Parker, to please protect your brother tomorrow. Please use your magic and take care of him. You always used your magic with him and Porter by making them feel safe and loved. You were the most lovable and always gave your love to me, too. I hope I gave you enough love in return. I always wanted you three to feel loved by me. I would do anything for all of you. I would run in a burning building to rescue any of you. I do not know how I failed to keep you safe. Sometimes evil is stronger than good and I could not prevent the evil that happened. Again, I am very sorry, and I wish I could make it right. I will be looking for you today and each day from now on. Please come to me. Show me a sign, Parker. YOU DESERVED SO MUCH MORE. I WISH I COULD BRING YOU BACK, BUT I LACK THE MAGIC SKILLS YOU HAVE. MY LITTLE ANGEL, I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH. FOREVER AND ALWAYS. LOVE, MOM

HELLO PARKER, MY SWEET LITTLE ANGEL, I am looking for you today. I have not seen a sign from you recently. I was not outside for long today. I am outside now as the sun goes behind the trees and it gets cooler. I will keep looking for you and be optimistic that my belief is real, that you are here and will not leave. Your brothers are in the house after being outside. It became too hot for them. I do wish you were here. I wish I could see you sunbathing and rolling on your back as you loved to do. I do not know anymore how I should feel. I feel guilty if I feel good because it is so unfair you are not enjoying your life. Then, I do not want to be sad because I think you can feel it and I also do not want to make your brothers feel sad. They already know the dynamic has changed here. How could any of us not know you are gone? You were the force that kept us together. You made us happy. You kept us smiling and happy. You were the glue. You were our hero. You were the strength in all of us. You taught us all of this, but it is not the same without you here. Blame me for that. I believe you forgive me. You were always sweet and angelic.Until I see you again, with your sign from the Cardinal, or another sign, please keep us all in your heart. We all love you. We all miss you.I LOVE YOU UNTIL THE EARTH STOPS TURNING, UNTIL THE SUN FALLS OUT OF THE SKYLOVE MOM

My Dear Peanut, Parker, I am missing you so much more, the last couple of days. I have tried to keep busy, so I am not sad, but you are always on my mind. This house has too many memories of you. I would move if I could. I keep wanting to see you here and reality sets in. You will never be here again. The word “never” is so heartless. I should have “never” let you go to that place. I never wanted you to go. I never got around to cancel. I never wanted anything bad to happen to you. I never wanted to be missing you, not so soon. I get so stuck Parker. It does not seem natural or good to do things knowing you are not here staring up at me with your sparkling eyes; following me all over the house because you always wanted to be close to me; peeking down the stairs at me and then running down with your squeaky toy; jumping up and down to go out; and biting your brother Leroy’s ears and legs when it was time to eat. Nothing seems right without your silliness and affection. I have been waiting for you, for the Cardinal to appear again. It has been very hot. I was not outside much. I heard some birds. I think one may have been the Cardinal. If that was you, Parker, please stay near and close. I need you to be around. Next week your brother Leroy needs to get some small lumps removed. He has to be sedated. I am worried. I know you will watch over him and keep him safe. I should have worried this much for you. I didn’t know. I need you to watch over Leroy. We are going to Dr. Chris so I know for sure he will be safe, but then, you never know. I am sorry we did not take you to Dr. Chris. I know in my heart you would be here today. I wish you could have spoken to me. I know you would have told me that was not the place for you. I know now and I live with that pain every day. I know you would have told me to please take you to Dr. Chris instead. I know you always liked him, and he was so good with you. He knew how to make you feel at ease. I think about how you felt that day and wondered where we were. I think about you feeling so lost. Why we left you there. I am so sorry. I often wonder how lonely and abandoned you felt. It was not your usual place. That was my mistake. Your visits here and your message from the Cardinal, told me you forgive me. I want to believe that. So, Parker, please come back again. Please don’t go away. Always stay nearby. Parker, please watch over your brothers. They both miss you. I want Leroy to be okay. Please keep an eye on him and protect him next week. For Leroy, for me, please. And for your brother, Porter. He and Leroy stay together a lot. They are not as close with each other as you were to both. You were their best friend. You three are my best friends. My only children. You know how much I LOVE YOU. I love the three of you all the same. I miss you more because you are not here. I wish you could be here next to me. I don’t believe it sometimes. Parker, sometimes I think I am in a dream. At night, when your brothers are sleeping, I think to myself that you are there with them. I hope you are there with them in spirit. Nothing I say will bring you back. I do not have that magical power. You do. You can work your magic by coming by as the Cardinal, and other signs that you can give me. I never believed any of that before. The last couple of times I have honestly felt your presence. I want to believe. Make me a believer, Parker. I LOVE YOU FOREVER, AND EVER, AND EVER MOM

Something a little funny: Still trying to get my husband to believe in the signs, the Cardinal, and spirits. I figure if I go before he does and if he still doesn't believe, I will make a spirit believer out of him when I come back and haunt him

Parker, My Little Peanut, that was you yesterday! I am keeping my hope up that you are near to me. I will be looking for you again. I do believe you were here, you will stay close, and that you do forgive me. I believe you know I have always loved you. I miss you and I want you to stay near me. Please protect your brothers. You always comforted them. You gave them move love than I can. They miss you. Almost always, I cannot believe that you are not here where I can see you, hear you, and hold you. The Cardinal is the only hope I have that you are here in some form. I want to believe. I Love You, Your Mom

As it was getting dark last night, I heard a bird chirping. It sounded like a Cardinal. I got excited because of the signs thing. I am not one to believe a lot of that stuff. I scoff at magicians. I saw a Cardinal twice and I don't see them around here. I am aware of the birds here because we've had robins set up nests under our deck and in the shrubs and I would chase away blue jays because they steal the robin's eggs. I've taken pictures of birds here. Some were sparrows. I filmed the woodpecker. I know if a Cardinal was around before all of this. Now that I've heard about a Cardinal and a sign from a loved one, I wasn't really sure, but I thought if it kept showing up, then maybe it is real. I heard the bird so I played Cardinal sounds on YouTube and it played through a wireless speaker. I played and paused. In between, I heard the bird and it was the same sound. I played it again and the bird came over onto our cable wires. It was a Cardinal! It heard the audio, but it was already here, because I heard it. It was getting dark so I couldn't see it. I saw it come really close to me. I was really happy and excited. I was smiling. I had happy tears. I told my husband it must be true, it is a sign from Parker. I said I wasn't sure the first time, but now I believe it. He told me no, it's not a sign, it’s not Parker. I didn't ask him if it was a sign. I told him it was. I said I've read about it. He doesn’t want me to have some kind of happiness, some kind of hope? I don't know what to believe anymore. This is the only thing I have to hold onto, the only thing I could believe, it is making me happy, and he wanted to take that away from me. If I was a child, he would probably tell me there is no Easter Bunny. I want to believe my Little Peanut heard me me when I spoke out loud and wrote him and asked him to come back, that I could believe it was him if the bird returned. When I saw that bird tonight, I right away thought Parker is with me. That he's near me.I lost 1 of my 3 only best friends and children, all I have in this life. My husband doesn't grieve with me. I do it all alone, and he avoids anything to do with that. My husband just made me feel alone. He could have gone with it, even if he personally doesn't believe it, he could try to believe it for me, or just let me believe it and be happy for me. Do I believe my husband that the Cardinal was not a sign and not Parker? No, I don't. It’s a shame I can't share my happiness with (my husband) someone close to me who also experienced this loss. I wish my husband would believe. For a moment last week, he seemed like he believed when he called to me about a Cardinal on our lawn. I am going to stick to my belief and hope that the Cardinal came back because it was Parker. Because he heard me ask him to come back, that I want him to near me and give me hope that I will see him again in another life. I will keep looking for the Cardinal again. I choose to be happy to feel and believe Parker is near. Without hope, what is there? ~ Parker's Mom

Hello everyone,I'm waiting for the Cardinal to appear again. I want to believe.I'm having okay days and rough days. So far no good days. I had a meltdown on Friday. Cried for over an hour and on and off the rest of the day. Lately, I've noticed Leroy, my Beagle is down. (I don't cry in front of him.) I'm sure he misses Parker, his best friend. We all miss him. I'm trying to give my 2 little guys, Leroy and Porter, more love. Now, there are pretty much no rules. They do what they want. I never had them on my bed unless they jumped on it, but they didn't stay long. Now I call Leroy and Porter to sit on my bed. They are here on less borrowed time than I am. I want them to feel free. I dread when I have to go through some kind of health issue with either of them. I keep praying Porter's pancreatitis stays in remission. He is doing really well. He has more energy than I do. He's like lightning. He flies down the stairs and then flies onto his window seat bed. (I have a bed for each of them next to the window.) There's just one thing missing that would make it all perfect. Their brother, Parker is missing. He was always playing. Very high energy and full of life. He loved grooming his brothers. I'm hurting. I miss his bark. I miss his zest for life. I miss him. If these links work, you can see here how close he was with his brother Leroy. https://youtu.be/7gU0FQHwktAhttps://youtu.be/ccdLovl_sv4I wish he would come by again, if that Cardinal was Parker. I need to believe. I hope you are all doing well and getting through your days. Take good care of yourselves.Sincerely,Parker's Mom

To My Dear Sweet Parker, Time is going by very fast. It is hard for me each day that you are you are not here. I get through the days, but not easily. Most of the time I just go through the motions. I miss you Parker. These days I feel lost without you. Your courage and loving spirit invigorated me. You taught me to be courageous. I am using what I learned from you to be strong for your brothers. Your brothers miss you very much. Leroy has been withdrawn and keeping to himself. I worry he will go back to being timid and shy as he was before you gave him the strength to be brave. You were his best friend. Today I bought him a squeaky toy to give him some happiness. You know how he always liked being teased about taking away his squeaky toy. I hope this will keep him busy for a while, although later in the day, he lost interest in his new toy. I think he was waiting for you to come and try to take it from him, but he is confused why he has not seen you. I wish I could explain it to him. We all miss you Parker. I still do not understand why this happened. Sometimes I cannot get through the day. I know you should be here. Please do not be sad that I cry because I miss you. I think you may have come here the other day in the form of a Cardinal. I am trying to believe it was a sign that you were here. If that was really you, I wish you would come back. Please make a believer out of me, Parker. I wish I could see you right now. I wish I could hug you right now. I wish none of this happened. It is difficult for me to comprehend. It never seems right. It never seems real. I am still having a tough time not having you here. Our home is not the same anymore. There is nothing I can do to change it. My heart is broken without you. I Love You so much Parker. I miss you. Love, Mom

Parker is survived by his blood brother, Porter, and Leroy, his Beagle brother. Porter was never friendly with Leroy. (My husband said it started over a squeaky toy and Porter didn't get over It.) It was always Parker and Porter and Parker and Leroy. Parker was a best friend to both. Leroy and Parker hit it off when they first met. Leroy is showing a lot of sadness. He's becoming very needy. I have no doubt he misses his brother. He looks at me as if he is lost. He looks at me as if he's asking me where his brother is, why he is not here. Leroy has always been shy. Parker gave him courage. Parker and Leroy would play a couple of times a day. Leroy has been trying to play with Porter and Porter won't have any part of him. Today Porter got very angry with Leroy and snapped at him because Leroy was trying to be close to Porter. I am trying to make Leroy feel wanted as Parker always did. Parker groomed him, cuddled next to him, loved him, and all of us. I I am missing Parker so much more on a different level because Leroy has lost his best friend. I can play with Leroy as human to dog, but it will not compare to the playfulness and communication he shared with Parker. I can't get another dog. Plus, it wouldn't be fair to Parker to "replace" him. I don't know how Porter will accept another dog anyway. He and Parker were blood. He tolerates Leroy. I think Porter misses his brother mostly at night. They would lie next to each other and in the morning they would run down the stairs side-by-side. I love both Leroy and Porter. This loss has affected everyone. It isn't just my loss, it is our loss. ~ Parker's Mom

Hi everyone, Thank you for all your love and kind words. I’m still trying to get over my loss. Nothing is the same here. The only routine is feeding them and walking them. The rest of my life has dramatically changed. It's changed for all of us. I am not the same. I don’t feel the same. I am more doubtful. I am less trusting. What has changed is I am kissing, hugging, and holding my little ones more than before. I am afraid now to lose any of them, please, not so soon. I have always equally loved and love all 3 of my boys Leroy, Parker, and Porter. Losing Parker was a life changer for me and his brothers. I see it in their faces. I know they are confused. I've read debates about dogs and their sense of time, so I'm not sure if they think he's only been gone since yesterday. That may be better for them, so they don't feel it's been a long time. One thing I know for sure is that I know they are missing Parker. It's in their eyes. Leroy is very sad. He mopes around. Parker was a leader. He motivated all of us. Porter and Leroy were very scared this week from the fireworks. Leroy ran upstairs to seek refuge. Porter was panting and pacing. Except for being handled by strangers, Parker was never afraid of anything. He would have comforted his brothers from the fireworks. He would have groomed them and cuddled next to them. Oh, how I wish he was here, and I didn't make such a terrible decision. I hope Leroy and Porter don't feel that we took his brother away from them. I learned from some of you that a Cardinal has a significant meaning after a loss. My husband must be believing that now. The other day he brought me to the window and told me there was a Cardinal on our lawn. At first, I couldn't see it. He showed me where it was. He appeared excited about it. By the time I got my camera, it was gone. They are not common in my area. I read this on several websites: The belief that cardinals are messengers from someone who has passed exists across many cultures and beliefs. However, a symbolic sign is unique to each person and gives us the opportunity to interpret its meaning. A symbolic sign is a message for the individual receiving it. A symbolic sign can be considered a phenomenon, or a “cardinal experience.” The word cardinal is derived from the Latin word cardo, meaning hinge or axis. Like a hinge on a door, the cardinal is often considered the hinge on the doorway between our earthly world and the spirit world. Parker, was that you? Please come back if that was you. If a cardinal appears again, then I will believe. Parker, I will believe it's you. Parker, please let me know you are here. I need to know you forgive me.

This song is dedicated to my 3 amigos, but in especially to Parker who is not here. This is how I have always felt about my little ones. Every word of this song is true for me, to and for them. I LOVE YOU PARKER (Everything I Do) I Do It for You by Bryan Adams Look into my eyes You will see What you mean to me Search your heart Search your soul And when you find me there You'll search no more Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for You know it's true Everything I do I do it for you Look into your heart You will find There's nothin' there to hide Take me as I am Take my life I would give it all I would sacrifice Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more You know it's true Everything I do I do it for you There's no love Like your love And no other Could give more love There's nowhere Unless you're there All the time All the way, yeah Look into your heart, baby Oh you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more Yeah, I would fight for you I lie for you Walk the wire for you Yeah, I'd die for you You know it's true Everything I do Oh I do it for you Everything I do, darling And we'll see it through Oh we'll see it through Oh yeah Yeah Look into your heart Look at your soul You can't tell me it ain't worth dying for Oh yeah I'll be there, yeah I'll walk the wire for you I will die for you Oh yeah I would die for you I'm going all the way, all they way, yeah Songwriters: Bryan Adams / Michael Arnold Kamen / Robert John Lange

I am reminiscing about when I first got these amigos in early 2013. I had just early retired. Having no children, my husband thought getting a dog would keep me company. Leroy was adopted in January. In February, I agreed with the rescue, to foster 2 little male Chihuahua-Beagle pups. The rest is history. I pulled some pieces from emails. It reminds me about how happy they made me. The 3 of them hit it off instantaneously. This is dedicated to Parker. FROM ME TO RESCUE OWNER: I had my eyes on Leroy when I first saw him online on October 9th. He looked so cute. I filled out the application about 2 weeks later when I saw he was still there. I went on vacation. The holidays came and I looked online for him and he was still there in late December. It's like he was waiting for us. Leroy is settling in very well. At first, he was a little nervous and shy, but he is getting used to "his" new home and has gained our trust. He goes to bed on his own. We have a bed for him up and downstairs. We haven't needed to use a crate, so he's got the run of the house. I have a knack for spoiling my pets. . . He makes funny slurping noises when we walk him, so I almost changed his name to Slurpy, but we are sticking with Leroy. After he returns from being walked, he likes to run around and play with a toy ball and my old slippers. He doesn't beg and he's got manners! Leroy saw a dog out the window today and proved his protection skills by barking for the first time. He must know this is his home now. We (my husband Bob and I) love Leroy! Whenever you are free, I can bring Leroy to meet you. He's such a cutie. He may need a playmate. There's only so much fun we humans can provide. Leroy is a real sweetie. I'm glad we kept Leroy as his name. I read that it means The King in French (le roi, or le roy). Plus, it's not a common dog name. Tomorrow morning, Monday, I am meeting Porter and Parker at Tammy's. I'm bringing Leroy. I will let you know if one of them works out. Leroy was very friendly with all the dogs at PetSmart. He didn't bark or growl. He went up to larger dogs, too. That's a good sign. FROM THE RESCUE OWNER: As of tonight around 630(ish) Paul will be taking Parker and Porter to get neutered by Dr. Chris - afterwards, Tina (our newest adopter/foster) will be fostering both Parker and Porter because Jess's pups are sick and we didn't want to sick any dogs health, especially after a surgery. (No worries though, her terriers are healthy!) FROM ME: These guys are really adorable though, but it's a lot for me because they are puppies and I also have Leroy. I also feel bad leaving them in the crate, but they're too young to run loose because they're not housebroken. The pups are really close knit. Porter was really upset when Parker was away from him. I don't think they should be separated. Porter will once in a while growl and at Parker, but he sometimes growls at people. I don't think he means anything by it. I think that's just his nature. He may mellow out with time since he's been neutered. He really loves his brother. I think they should be adopted as a pair. I can't see them being apart. I think Porter would be really sad without his brother. I'll hold onto them during this recovery time, but do you know if someone would want to foster both of them? As much as I love these little guys and would miss them I do want to care for these little guys while they heal. I've gotten really attached to these little guys. I love these little boys. They are so adorable! I would love to keep them for as long as I can take care of them. I feel like I am getting them to trust people. They are really affectionate with me. I will really miss them. I understand that they are young and don't know the ropes yet. Maybe I can help teach them and get them on their way. I hope that whoever gets these little guys takes as much or more care of them as I have. I truly care about them. I mean that I wouldn't want to dump them on someone or for someone to take them only because it sounds like a desperate situation. They and Leroy have brought so much joy to our home. I love them all! I am really attached to Porter (darker face). I love his personality. I am bugging Bob to adopt him or at least foster him as long as we can (if that's okay with you) and then maybe Bob will also get attached to him and want to adopt him. I hope Leroy approves, too. I have been calling Porter "Curly" as in the Three Stooges because it's so funny after he goes to the bathroom outside, he does that kick back thing with his back legs. He looks like Curly when he kicked back his legs saying, "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk." I can't part with these little guys. I love them so much. I want to keep them. It gets challenging sometimes, but I'll get it down to a routine. (I, myself, only expected to get 1 dog.) Bob and I definitely want Parker and Porter. Yes, please considered them in the adoption process by us. They are now Leroy's adopted brothers. Parker loves Leroy. He licks his ears and grooms him. They play a lot. Porter and Parker play together and they love to be together in the crate. It's like the 3 of them are a team. They all rest together on the couch. It's usually Parker up against Leroy. They are like brothers. I love these guys. I fuss over them like they were my babies. (Maybe because I never had any children.) I fix their bedding at night and then cover them with a little blanket. I keep their feeding bowls clean all the time. They're like my kids. Yes. I am in agreement with Suzi to adopt them. They are now Leroy's little brothers. FROM THE RESCUE OWNER: And congratulations Tina - I am so excited for you and the 3 boys! FROM ME: Leroy is very happy with his little brothers. Parker and Leroy are like a comedy when they play. Leroy is passive and Parker is more aggressive, but Leroy may be laying low because he knows he could whoop Parker's butt. He has sat on Parker when they've played. It's really funny. FROM ME ABOUT PARKER: He's always looking for mischief. Yesterday I had the kitchen window open about 8 inches and pulled up the blinds. The window is about 4 feet from the floor. The window is screened in. The sill is only about 6 inches deep up to the screen. Parker managed to jump up and onto that sill! I don't know how he did it! Good thing the screen was there or he would have fallen out of the window! Now I know to keep the blinds down when the window is open, so he won't be able to get up there. He has jumped up on the counter and in the kitchen sink. We call him "crazy man" and I call Porter "tiny boy". FROM ME ABOUT PARKER: He's kind of my favorite. He follows me all over the house and always stays by me when I'm on the computer. He's the most affectionate, too. I Love You Parker. We all miss you and your funny antics. You were a bundle of energy your entire (short) life. I think about you all the time, my sweetie Little Peanut.

In the news: "An Arizona woman who "died" for a total of 27 minutes asked or a notepad after she was resuscitated to share an urgent message about the afterlife." There have been many case like this. Doctors revived her after 27 minutes and a vet couldn't save my little dog whom he claims didn't make it out of recovery. If he tried hard enough he could have. It's been suggested this vet may not have been in the room.

Hello Parker, My Little Peanut, I'm thinking about you more today. I think about you all the time, but more today. I took Leroy to your pediatric vet. You know, Dr. Dolittle. Leroy misses you a lot. His face shows it. I wish you guys could talk. Porter barks so much, I think he is trying to speak. Wait a minute. If Porter could speak, he would never stop talking. I was thinking about a song today that I want to dedicate to you. It has always been one of my favorite songs. You may have heard me play it. It makes me cry, and so does Ave Maria. Remember that I Love You and if there is a place beyond life, I will see you again. I wish I knew for sure. I Love You Forever, Mom♥️Here is my song to you, My Little Peanut. It is about us. I will think of us each time I hear it . . . till we meet again. TIME - The Alan Parsons Project Time, flowing like a river Time, beckoning me Who knows when we shall meet again If ever But time Keeps flowing like a river To the sea Goodbye my love, Maybe for forever Goodbye my love, The tide waits for me Who knows when we shall meet again If ever But time Keeps flowing like a river (on and on) To the sea, to the sea Till it's gone forever Gone forever Gone forevermore Goodbye my friends (goodbye my love) Maybe forever Goodbye my friends (who knows when we shall meet again) The stars wait for me Who knows where we shall meet again If ever But time Keeps flowing like a river (on and on) To the sea, to the sea Till it's gone forever Gone forever Gone forevermore Forevermore Forevermore Forevermore Songwriters: Alan Parsons / Claudio Goldman / Eric Woolfson / Sergio Antonio De Albuquerq

My Loving Sweet Baby Parker, Mom is having some rough days. I am sorry my baby. I have been crying a lot. My mornings are filled with tears and I cry myself to sleep. It is all because I feel so bad that you were robbed of your life. It is not right you are not here to comfort your brothers. Leroy is very sad and lonely. Porter doesn’t play with him. I have been giving him a lot of attention to keep him from feeling sad. We are all extremely sad you are not here. I feel it is my fault. I hope you forgive me. I cannot understand what happened. I do not know why I took you to that place instead of Dr. Chris. Dr. Chris liked you and he understood you. He knew you were scared, but he knew how to make you feel relaxed and comfortable. He was so happy last year when you were not afraid getting your heart worm test. We were both very happy that you were not afraid. I felt so good for you. I knew it was good you were not anxious. Then I took you to that other place and you were so frightened. I wish you could have spoken. You would have told me to bring you back to Dr. Chris. I let you down. I am full of remorse. I cannot accept I will never see you again. It is not sitting with me well. I Love You. Please believe that. It may not sound honest because I let you go. I could have kept you home that day. I wish you could have spoken to me. You would have told me you did not want to go there. You would have told me to take you back to Dr. Chris, and that they were not nice to you like Dr. Chris. I have not been able to look at your pictures or videos. It is not because I do not want to. It hurts me too much to see them now. I need to turn my head every time I see something with a date from before you were gone. It only reminds me that is when you were here. I wish I could hug you again. I miss the pitter-patter of your little feet. I miss your little howling-bark combination. Your brother Porter barks. Your brother Leroy howls. You were a cross between them both. The three of you were so good together. You bonded with Leroy right away. He loved you. He knew he could kick your butt, but he was gentle with you because he loved you so very much. I feel so bad for him. I can tell he misses you and does not understand where you are. Please show me a sign you are here with us. Please don’t stay away. I need to know you still trust me. Parker, I Love You beyond infinity. I am hurting right now. Mom is crying. I know I should not make you sad. I am sad without you. I cannot help it. How do I go on? I miss you my little hero. Love you forever, Mom

Hi Maylissa, We were referred to a place out of town for our Beagle's digestive problem by our regular vet. Our vet only knew of the other place because it's a specialty type of place and he wasn't originally from around here. It's slim pickings around here. We didn't want to go there. My husband had a bad experience. I read bad reviews. So, it was me who decided to go to this other vet because he was the only one I knew around here from many decades ago when I took my other dog there. He is not a specialist. I should have, could have, etc. I should have just told my other vet we didn't want to go there for the real reasons. We didn't. We went to this vet for the 2nd opinion and in the long run, he basically did nothing anyway. It wasn't money. He was more expensive than our regular vet. We brought our Beagle there and my husband decided we would just keep going there. It doesn't make sense now and it didn't then. That's what happened. I regret so many things about it. Writing this, I am realizing I should have just told my regular vet we didn't feel comfortable with that specialty place. Maybe things would have been different. Maybe we would have gone somewhere else and my husband would not have read dental cleaning posters and been brainwashed. I really want to die right now. Not literally. Well, yes, literally. My days are filled with tears. So much of this I feel is my fault. Even though my husband insisted continuing to go there and to have the dental done, I was the one who suggested that guy in the first place. It's too much for me to bear sometimes. It's really all my fault. That vet was sued in 2014. I never thought of checking on him. Just because I went there decades ago didn't mean anything. I learned the hard way. He never changed. He is still in the dark ages from decades ago. No email. No laptop for notes. Calls himself a hospital and sends out for lab work. Uses old school meds which my regular vet said are ones he would never use because they lower the respiratory rate too much, making it more risky. He said he spends more for the newer meds that he can titrate and control because the whole idea is to mitigate risk. My regular vet does his lab work on site. Let's say I forgive me. Let's say I forgive my husband. My dog is still gone. The pain is still with me. I miss him. He lost his little simple life. His unassuming life. Never asking for anything but to eat, play with a squeaky, and get some hugs and kisses. And to be the best friend he could be to his brothers. That was his life. He was robbed. That's the hardest pain I have. I would give my life for him to be here. I want him here. His brother Leroy (Beagle) is so lonely. Porter doesn't play with him. Parker was best friends of both of them. He was my friend. He was my hero. It was he who chased away that Rottweiler when it charged for us. A little 13 pound dog scared away a dog over 100 pounds to protect us all. How do I live with myself letting him go there? I struggle, that's how. I think it will be like this until my time is up. I'm not too sure I believe in an afterlife and if I would see him again. I'm afraid this is it and there's nothing else, that he's gone forever. Forever. It's too hard to live with that. ~ Parker's Mom

Hi everyone, I want to say something in case it seems to anyone that I am bashing veterinarians. That's not the case at all. For instance, if the vet I went to did all the right things and followed the law I would not have to file a complaint. This is not what I want to do. It is very painful to write this complaint. I relive that day over and over, but I have to do it for my dog. This vet did not obey the law and discuss the procedure and risks to give me and my husband an opportunity to ask questions so we could make an informed decision. He told me my dog's pre-op lab work was clean, but I found out after my dog passed away the lab work was flagged and he withheld this from me. His office rushed us in for the pre-op only to tell us that day the next available appt was 4 weeks later, they should have grouped them as close together as possible, so I have learned. In that case, he had 4 weeks to discuss the procedure and risks, and the lab work. I called him a week after the lab work was done and spoke to him for 14 minutes and he never said a word to me about either. He knew my dog was anxious and petrified. He never suggested something to calm him. He acknowledged my dog was "fractious" in his notes the day of the dental, yet he did not call me to alert me my dog was basically petrified. Sure, my dog was fractious. He was scared. He was in fight or flight mode and any caring vet would have called me. No elective/voluntary procedure is worth stressing a pet. It's against the law here to keep an animal in fear. For all I know my dog may have passed from a heart attack because he was so frightened, maybe why that vet didn't call me right away. He claims my dog passed during recovery, so he should have been on the phone with me immediately when there was a problem. There were no vitals or anesthesia record with the notes which leads me to believe my dog was not being monitored. He never wrote or said they did everything possible to keep my dog breathing and to save him. The use of a tracheal tube was not written in the notes. The notes are bare. He never explained what happened. He grasped for things to blame. He didn't take responsibility because he didn't think he did anything wrong, so I would expect a responsible vet to suggest a necropsy for my own peace of mind. I didn't know about a necropsy until my dog was already in a box. This vet didn't care. Everything he and they did in that place was wrong. I can't help but bash him. I have no choice but to write a complaint letter and sue him. He deserves it. He didn't make an honest mistake. He didn't do anything right. It was his negligence that killed my dog. He robbed my dog of his life. I found out after my dog passed that he was sued in local court in 2014 for malpractice, causing the death of someone's cat due to treating it for months for the wrong reason. The cat had a heart problem all along and he treated it for pancreatitis. If I knew about that I would have never gone there. By the way, you know how he treats pancreatitis? I know because he saw my other dog for it and he gave him prescription food (which gave him an ear infection). That's it. That's how he treats pancreatitis. I took my dog to my other vet who gave him all kinds of meds and for a week I gave him IV fluids. He gave him a different brand Rx food with much lower fat. And I brought him back for follow-up lab work. That's how a real vet treats pancreatitis. ~ Parker's Mom

I am missing him so very much. I am afraid to be around when my other 2 dogs begin to have health issues or if something tragic happens. I am truly afraid now. I was not like this before and did not think about it. I was so naive to think my dogs would live till their expected life span up to 20 years. I thought they all would outlive me and I would have to provide for them if I went first. I am in a lot of pain missing my sweet Parker. I know he should be here. I suggested that vet. I wish I never knew his name. I feel so much to blame. I'm not handling this very well these days. I led him to disaster. He was robbed of a life. His unassuming life. Never asking for anything except food, water, kisses, and squeaky toys. Giving more love than he wanted.

Gingerlove, I lam missing my dog so much, it hurts inside. I let my him down. I let him go there. Yes, dental cleanings are needed for pets, but I was willing to wait it out and go back to their regular vet. I would take my chances either way, not doing it or waiting to get it done by the regular vet and taking a chance with him. Everything with this was WRONG. My husband set it in motion from the day he insisted we take all our dogs there, months before this happened. It was like we set our dog up for disaster. I know if he did not go there, other than an "Act of God", he would be here. I wouldn't feel guilt and this horrible about me and my husband's decisions if something happened to him by Mother Nature. I know it's wrong we took him there. As I brush his brothers' teeth (I always brushed their teeth before this), I noticed Leroy's teeth aren't that bad. It's 6 months later and they don't look that bad. My little one, Porter, the blood brother of Parker, could use a cleaning. He's a Chihuahua mix and I was told they are prone to tartar and plaque. His vet says he has gingivitis, but I want to make a point. He has a digestive issue -- pancreatitis -- stable now. Parker didn't have stomach issues. He had no issues except he was frightened by strangers. He had no problem chasing away a huge Rottweiler. He was brave. He was protective. In 2014 he had to get his upper 4th premolar (carnassial tooth) extracted on each side because I gave them Nylabones which are supposed to help keep teeth clean and they fractured those teeth of his. He was in awful pain because of the fractures. He was chewing things constantly. He must have been trying to ease the pain. Poor dog may have been suffering from pain for a while before I noticed it. Even though I brushed his teeth, I didn't notice it right away. Then I saw something looked strange. I noticed the one side and our vet found the other side was also fractured. He got his teeth cleaned then and he did fine without those teeth. I always thought how strong a dog he was. Never cried when he had those fractures. I always thought how painful it must have been and I was glad he was better. His front teeth were always white, no plaque or tartar. I never felt a need for him to get the dental done unless absolutely necessary and if he was going to have something else done. We both knew he was so frightened by strangers and this other vet and staff were strangers, yet we made him go there only to be more petrified. Parker was beginning to show he was comfortable with his regular vet, after all the years since being neutered. It was only May 2018 when I took him to our regular vet for his heart worm test and he didn't fuss at all. We were both surprised he was not scared. He looks at their teeth and gums during those visits. He didn't say he needed a cleaning. Only 2 month later, in July, we took him to that other vet for his first visit. Why? I ask myself. Why? Because my husband insisted taking all of our dogs there? I listened to him? We were happy with our vet. Why did my husband want this? This is why I am still so upset with myself because I knew my dogs already had a vet who we liked. It's not the decision I made. It's the decision I didn't make. I didn't say NO to going to that vet and about the cleaning, and I didn't keep Parker home when I kept telling myself I needed to call and cancel the appt. We can't change the past. We can learn from it. Have I forgiven my husband? I don't know. When I feel like this, I don't feel I have yet. When I have a semi-good day, which is the best it's been so far, I may feel some forgiveness. I have not 100% forgiven me or him. Do you feel the same way?

Kayc, no. I called a pet injury lawyer. I actually found one nearby. She said if he didn't give me that information before, he won't now. She said his malpractice insurance probably told him to keep quiet. I spoke to a woman who sued him in county court in 2014 and she said she repeatedly called him for information and he would not talk to her. That was before she sued him. She found out from another vet that he misdiagnosed her cat for months. Treated the cat for pancreatitis and the cat was having heart problems. I wish that woman would have written a state complaint. It may have gotten him disciplined. He had no disciplines when I contacted them. The state doesn't reveal complaints, only disciplines are public. Why would he tell me anything anyway, he lied through the entire process. He withheld flagged lab work, he never once discussed the procedure and the risks. I had 2 dogs scheduled. He didn't discuss it for either. Broke the law right there. The place is one big lie. I found out too late and I am so heartbroken that I let my dog go there for this voluntary procedure. This was not even his regular vet. You know the rest, that I never wanted this in the first place. I really messed up not speaking up to my husband and telling him off. These MY kids, not his. He butted in where he should have kept his big mouth shut. I let my dog down and I'm paying for it now. As much as I try, it doesn't go away.

To Parker, My Little Angel, I would give my life for yours to have you live again. I wish I could trade places with you. I Love You Forever and ever, Your Mom

Today was 6 months to the day, a Monday, that someone took my little boy away from me. So far I am getting through it. I am making progress with the complaint. So many corrections and cleaning up redundancies. No statute of limitations which eases my mind, but that's no excuse to not finish it asap. I am learning more about other vets and their discrepancies. I just learned about another kind of anesthesia method called "masking down." It is a horrible technique from the dark ages and considering that vet I went to was in the dark ages, I am now going to ask the state to investigate if this was a possible method taken and a cause of my dog's demise. I read it's terrible for nervous and anxious dogs, which is what my sweet little man was. It's unnerving to know I never got an explanation of the procedure, what happened from start to finish. I could go by the notes, but practically a full page of white space doesn't say much. I guess I'm asking for too much considering he never discussed the procedure and risks with me to being with, as the law states he should. I'm waiting for karma to kick in for him. ~ Parker's Mom

Thank you Gingerlove. I didn't leave him home and I live with that. I know you have gone through that night in your mind, too. You have also live with that. We are hard on ourselves, but how can we not be when we lost someone so dear to us, yet we think now we didn't make the right choice? I wish someone would invent a time machine. I'm having issues with my husband. I'll hold the door open for him if he wants to leave. It goes beyond and before what happened with my dog. Too bad he didn't leave before that. I wouldn't be grieving. My dog would be here. Thank you Gingerlove for your prayers. I am sending mine to you as well.