Guilt_beyond_imagination

It's a nice day, the sun is shining, but why does it feel so dark to me? I'm clouded with darkness. I miss my little guy. I don't think I will ever see him again. Rainbow Bridge? Who knows. Another difficult day for me. I expect to see him sunbathing, running through our yard, playing with his brothers. He was full of life. So full of life, health, vigor, happiness, and love. It was taken from him in a matter an hour or so. I can't make sense of it. Trying to keep busy. It's impossible to not think of him. Every day I miss him. He was my little peanut. Was? I don't now how I can even utter that word. Speaking of him in the past tense doesn't seem right. Parker, you deserved your life. Your simple life was so important to you. You could never take anything for granted, unlike people. You deserve to be here enjoying the little things that made you so happy. A little dog who asked for nothing and gave so much.

Every day I read about so many tragedies. They remind me of my own and that I must stay strong. I have so many bad days, even after all these months. It's causing tension in my marriage. My husband doesn't like to see me crying every day. I can't help it. I miss my little guy so much. I just want him here.This vet is a so-called professional, but he sucked the life out of my baby. Why? What did my dog do to him to let him die? He could have called me when things went bad. He waited hours. So wrong. No caring vet would ever do that. I wish every day I could go back in time. This is the most agonizing thing to ever happen to me. How does the sun still shine when we are hurting so much?

I Love You My Sweet Little Parker, I used to call you "Little Peanut" because you were so small, and your feet were a little larger than my thumb. My little baby who I am missing every single day. Even when you were here, when I left the house, I always missed you and your brothers. I never liked leaving you home for too long. I always wanted to come back as soon as possible so I could be showered with kisses, and dog hugs, and funny antics while you all tried showing off your tricks. Then when it was feeding time, the craziness would begin. You would bite your brother's ears, legs, tease him, he'd play back lightly because he knew he could knock you out, but it was all in fun and the name of love. Then your other brother would jump on both of you, all in fun and craziness because it was feeding time at the zoo. Since we lost you, there is no craziness, no funny antics, and feeding time is a lot tamer. You made a big difference; you are dearly missed. Your adventurous personality was the excitement at home. You kept me and your dad laughing. The laughter stopped the day we lost you. Your fun-loving personality by pulling the blankets over and over your head while trying to jump out kept me and your dad laughing. The laughter stopped the day we lost you. When we dressed you in your car racing flag-themed checkered jacket, even as a dog, you knew what it meant. When you had it on, you would do burnouts with your tiny legs and feet and have us laughing. ("Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines.") The laughter stopped the day we lost you. You would have us laughing when you ran down the stairs with your big crocodile squeaky toy that was as large as you, and you would make it all the way down the stairs without letting go. The laughter stopped the day we lost you. My little baby, I had you since you were a pup. You were only 6, healthy, never sick, and your life was tragically taken from you. I cannot think of only myself, you deserved to live your life! You were a happy, lovable, healthy little boy. You loved your brothers more than anything and loved me and your dad. I want you to know I love you always. I will never forget you. You taught me so much. I am a better person because of you, yes, a little dog has made me a better person because you were my little kid, my little child. My grief overwhelms me. I am more than broken. I miss you every minute and every hour of every day. You are always here in my heart My Little Peanut Parker, I wish you were here to shower me with your sweet kisses. I am so sorry my baby. I wish I could make it right and have you here with us again. I LOVE YOU Your Mom XXXX OOOO

Dear My Little Boy, Parker, It's hard for me to accept you are not here. I miss you jumping up near the bed in the morning. You were always the first one up. Your unbelievable energy rubbed off on us. You kept our spirits alive, full of life, and filled us with love. I'm still having a hard time accepting you are gone. It never seems real because you gave this home its shining light. Without you there's more darkness. Your brothers know something's different. They don't fully understand, but then neither do I. I will never understand why you were taken when you weren't even sick. I gave up the garden this year so I could use my new camera and take portraits of my little boys, my 3 best friends. I wanted to get beautiful pics of all of you together and put them under acrylic for a lasting memory of the 3 of you. That won't happen now. My dream has been shattered. I haven't used my camera since you've been gone. I don't feel as excited about it now. How can I with you gone? Oh, how I wish there was some way to change all of this. I guess there are no miracles. If there were, your life would have been spared. I don't know what's going to happen in the future. Someday your brothers will also be gone, that's when I hope my time will be up, so I can be with the 3 of you again. There will be no more reason for me to be here. I know my purpose was to rescue you 3 from the shelter, to give you the best home and all the love and protection possible. I would have never wanted it any other way. I knew you would be safe and happy in our home. When you all were puppies I thought I had many, many years with you to come. I never imagined I could lose any of you so young and so innocent. Please forgive me that you weren't able to live out your life much longer. I am so very sorry. I hope you are not upset. I'm wishing and praying we will be back together again, and with your brothers who miss you so very much. I love you Parker. I hope you always knew how much you meant to me, and how much you still mean to me. I'm praying you are safe from harm and suffering. I want you to be happy. Please give me a sign. I need a sign of your love, the abundant love, you, as a little dog was blessed to have. I was blessed to have you as part of my family, my son. I am blessed to have your wonderful brothers. You were all such good dogs. I have no complaints, only sorrow that you are not here. It never seems real. People who knew you know why it doesn't seem real, because you were filled with passion and we never thought that passion would be gone. I love you forever, Parker. I will never stop thinking of you. You will be in my heart even after I die. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, Love Mom XXXX OOOO

My other 2 dogs (Porter and Leroy) have never been the affectionate type. Parker was the loving one, full of kisses, all the time. All you had to do was get close enough and then came the kisses.The other night I was tucking in his brothers and telling them how sorry I was. I always kissed my dogs goodnight. In the past, Porter would be cranky, wanting to just go to sleep and not be bothered. I've noticed he hasn't been cranky at night for a long time. Something that night was different. Both he and Leroy gave me kisses, very unusual. They're not like that. I thought maybe it was Parker coming through them. A sign or something. I never had to ask Parker for a kiss, he would shower us all with kisses. I hope it was him showing me something. I need a sign he forgives me and that he's here with me. I'm waiting for him to show up in a dream. I will continue to be alert for signs. Does anyone think something like that is possible?

Thank you Marty T. I am having a very difficult time. It's been 5 months. Worst of all it happened on Xmas Eve. I don't know if my holiday will ever be the same. You're right, the vet is at fault. You would not believe all the lies and violations he made. I've just been so upset with myself because there were so many red flags and I continued to go to this new vet, rather than stay with my first. My husband pressured me to stick with this new guy. I think this whole thing has been so complicated, I don't know how to handle it. I am seeing a counselor for a couple of weeks now. I got once a week. He understands I've had a traumatic experience that has never happened to me before and how much I loved and cared for my dear Parker. I know my husband didn't mean it, it was his favorite dog. I do think out of ignorance he failed to think of consequences which I had and I tried to persuade him to forget the idea, but he was adamant about it. I wish he would have listened to my plea to wait for our other vet. I understand he wanted to keep our dogs healthy by doing this, but rushing in with a new vet wasn't the right thing to do. I'd rather have my dog here if he had some health issues in the future, I would surely have gotten him examined -- and my our first vet. I feel so at fault for not following up on my intuition (I had bad feelings) and putting a kibosh on it. I think that's why this is so hard for me to not think I allowed Parker to go there. I so wanted to keep him home and I will never understand why I neglected to do that. I have punished myself for a long time since this happened. I just feel my little Parker was so innocent and he didn't deserve this. I think if he could speak, he would have begged me not to go because of his fear. My husband and I knew he was fearful, that's what hurts so much. This vet was a complete stranger, a very big threat to Parker, who was probably petrified. Which is still a mystery why we went to this other guy. I can't believe sometimes this vet didn't call me to tell me my dog was panicking. I would have gone there asap to pick him, rather than allow him to be stressed. Parker would not have been like that with his first vet, he was comfortable with him. The first vet is very transparent, he would have never allowed any of my dogs to be in distress without calling me. He also would have called me immediately, as any other responsible vet, to tell me there was a problem. I have so many regrets which have been tearing me apart. I get these visions of my poor little guy screaming, and crying in fear, and feeling abandoned. It hurts so much. He was a very sensitive little dog. Loving, affectionate, protective, but very scared to be handled by strangers. He loved us so much. I'm trying to let go of these feelings. It's just been so hard for me. Because like I said, I feel partly responsible for letting go there rather than keep him home, which was my original plan. I don't know what happened, how I allowed it. I know I can go over it and over it and will won't change anything. I hurt for my little man. He was so wonderful. His brothers are missing him immensely. He was their best friend, and he was a great friend to all of us. Imagine, a little do like him, being the pack leader? That's what he was. He was my hero and leader. Very special dog, not because he was ours, but because he had so many good qualities. I am going to read the info from your links. I can't go on like this. I'm being ripped apart inside. Thank you. Your message is understood and I will try my hardest, yet still preserve Parker's memory. ~ Parker's Mom

I am not staying strong. It's really bad. I see kayc that you are concerned about anesthesia and dental cleaning, but at least it was explained to you in detail. The evil vet we went to NEVER discussed it, never talked about it and after this nightmare, never had anything to say to me. I don't know where to turn. I am heartbroken beyond belief. I can't forgive myself. I let him go there. I sent him there. I don't know whatI was thinking. I never wanted it in the first place. I should have kept him home! I'm not forgiving my husband. This was his idea! I'm falling apart. I think I'm beyond repair. ~ Parker's Mom

This is where the vet I went to failed. He violated the law here that says that the vet, and only the vet must explain the procedure and risks before dental cleaning, and any procedure. This vet failed to do that. He never discussed it. He should have discussed this the day we got the pre-op so we had time to think about it. Instead, the front desk shoved the document in my husband's face a couple of minutes after he dropped off our dog and made him sign it without allowing him to read it. My husband said he had to go to his car to get his glasses. They rushed him and said he didn't need the glasses. One of them pointed and told him, "Just sign there." We never got a copy of this. They didn't give a copy to my husband. This is one of the reasons I have to report this vet. This is one of many violations. My husband said if the vet discussed this with us and was educated about it, he would have had risks and would have not allowed our dog to have it done. It hurts me so much that my dog passed at the hands of a negligent vet and irresponsible office staff. My dog was healthy and young. This vet tried blaming the food I fed him and left me with so many unanswered questions because his notes are incomplete. Vitals are missing from the notes which is another violation. This is why I am in so much distress. From start to finish, this vet did everything against the rules, and it was too late when I found out. I am a broken person. I lost my beautiful young, healthy dog for simple procedure that any other vet would have done right and my dog would have come home. I cry every day. I am still in pain. Veterinary dental is routine, and it doesn't matter if your pet has had it done 100 times, in my state, the vet legally has to discuss procedure and risks each and every time. I compare it to the oxygen mask exercise when flying on a plane, or the muster station drill that's done on a cruise ship. It doesn't matter how many times you have flown, or sailed on a ship, you have to participate and do the exercise and listen while they explain the procedure. Someone, please tell me I will feel better. Someone please push me to get this complaint letter finished so I get it to the state. I don't know if it will give me closure, but as long as the letter is still on my computer, the state can't do an investigation and maybe save another pet from a similar fate. I have to finish this letter today and tomorrow. It has to go out! I will never see or hold my dog again because of someone else's negligence, by a professional who should be trusted.

A tribute to a little dog who made me so much stronger, wiser, and filled me with overflowing love. My Dear Little Peanut Parker, I remember the first time I met you. I was fostering for the dog rescue. I had just adopted your Beagle brother, Leroy from them a few weeks earlier. They told me there would be 2 little boy puppies who had just been neutered. That was you and your brother Porter. Wow, you were both so small. You were in a crate and needing to be watched as you awoke from the sedation and to be taken care of until you were adopted. You and Porter were brought in the house and it was quiet when you both arrived. We wanted your stay to be very comfortable. I checked on you both periodically to make sure you were okay. We were upstairs and we heard screaming and crying. It was very loud. We couldn’t believe it could be one of you, or both. Such little dogs and such a loud cry. I went downstairs and you were still groggy. It was your brother, Porter who was crying. He must have been so scared, just waking in a strange place. I thought we should bring you upstairs so you could rest a little more. Porter can have a loud and screechy cry. After all, you were both Chihuahua-Beagles. It suddenly got very quiet downstairs. From screaming and howling to silence. I went downstairs to check. It was quiet. Porter was not in the crate. It was locked. I couldn’t figure out where he went. I looked under the blankets, he was not there. Then I thought, was he in that crate when I went back upstairs? Yes, he was in the crate, so where was he? Now it became a mystery. I couldn’t figure out how a dog could get out of a locked crate. I looked around and didn’t see him. Then I walked a little farther. I almost passed him by. Where was Porter? He was rolled up in a ball in my laundry basket, cuddled under the clothes. It was so cute! He was so small, maybe 9 or 10 lbs the most. Here he was cuddled in the laundry basket. But wait! How did he get in there with the crate shut closed? Your Dad said he didn’t put him there. It was a mystery for almost a day. We took him upstairs with you, Parker, who had woken up and you both cuddled together and went to sleep. Leroy was close by. Leroy had new friends! New brothers! Well, not officially, but at least temporarily. The next day we looked at the crate and to our surprise, there was one small metal bar on the side that was missing. It didn’t seem like Porter could get through that small spot. There were no other bars missing. How do you like that? Porter was so small, like a Houdini, he squeezed through that small opening on the crate. When we were upstairs with the two of you after you recovered, you were the 2 cutest dogs I’ve ever had. So close with each other and almost pocket size at that time. We kept taking care of you. You both became friends with Leroy. He was lonely before you were here. Parker, you and your brother played and played, you wrestled with each other and it was all in fun and love. Then Parker you soon became close with Leroy. Oh, how you 2 would play together. Leroy is a sweetheart. He was so much bigger than you, but he never let his strength take over, he never wanted to hurt you. He let you win many times. A month went by and the rescue asked me what I was doing with the 2 of you. They had people asking about you. I asked your Dad. He wasn’t ready for 3 dogs. He thought having company for Leroy was a good idea, but 3 was over his limit. I was concerned if I gave up both of you or one of you, that you may wind up in a bad house where people could misunderstand you, have less patience, and may abuse you. I could not let that happen. I had to keep both of you. I knew I could make this the best home for you and the 3 of you would never be lonely. I explained to Dad that I didn’t want to split you up. You brothers were very close. You were so young and you were both all you knew. I convinced him that 2 of you was like 1 of Leroy, so It was like having 2 dogs. I said how much I loved you both and how hysterically funny Porter was going in and out of the laundry basket ever since the first night. I couldn’t let either of you go. I loved you both. He finally said it was okay and you both could stay! I was so elated. My family. Big brother Leroy and his 2 little brothers, Parker and Porter. What a team you made. So much fun for all of you together. It was the start of a beautiful brotherhood and family for us. Adopting you Parker, and your brothers Porter and Leroy was the happiest time of my life. You all made me very happy. I remember your brother Porter, aka Little Houdini, frequently making the laundry basket a cuddling place. I remember when you and Leroy hit it off and how you both played as if you knew each other since birth. What a perfect friendship! As the years went by, we faced some hardships. Your brother Porter at 10 lbs, was savagely attacked on our property by a 110 lb dog who jumped the decking from the neighbor’s house across the street. That morning Dad was walking Porter on our property when this happened. This dog came out of nowhere. Your Dad swiftly picked up Porter in his arms, but that dog wanted Porter. He grabbed Dad’s arm and Porter with his mouth and would not let go. I could hear Dad yelling. I came running out and he handed me bloody Porter with 3 large holes on his side and holes on the top of him. He was in shock. We rushed your brother to our favorite vet, your “pediatric” vet who neutered you. It was his day off, but he happened to be in the office. What a stroke of luck. I don’t know where else we could have gone. He cancelled his outside plans to save Porter’s life, putting tubes in the 3 big holes where he could fit 2 of his fingers in each. For the next month we had to flush him with medicine. I didn’t know if we were going to lose him. Parker, you were so gentle with your brother. You groomed him and kissed him and cuddled with him to make him feel loved and not alone. You were such a loving, beautiful dog who showed so much care when it was needed. It was your love Parker, that helped your brother Porter heal. A year or so later, Leroy got sick with gastroenteritis. We thought we might lose him. While he was being treated, Parker, you did nothing less than make him feel good and happy. You knew he was not well and stayed by his side. You groomed him and made him feel so loved. You cuddled next to him so he would know you cared. Leroy didn’t need his medicine anymore. It was your love Parker, that made Leroy well again. Over the years I watched you and you brothers grow a little more and become much closer. For a while you and your brother Porter, would wrestle and play. I had so many videos of you 2 and it was so cute. So lovable. Never any intent by either of you to hurt the other. Always a kiss from you afterward. You and Leroy became great friends. I remember the times you sat on the floor next to the sofa while Leroy looked down and you would jump up, with your little head and bite his ears. Teasing him and getting him to howl. This would go for at least an hour. Then you would jump up on and off the sofa as if you were doing tricks on a skateboard. Leroy would try to catch you and you would quickly jump off, but then back on again, a tug on his ear and his leg, and you were back on the floor. Leroy could have kicked your butt if he wanted. He didn’t. He loved your playfulness. It was your sign of love to him. So many times over the years I watched you 2 play like that. When it was time for dinner, you’d grab his ear and/or leg and the craziness began. Then Porter would come behind Leroy to join in the fun and jump on him. Poor Leroy, he would get teased from both of you, but he loved it. Sometimes I would take my time to feed you guys, just to enjoy watching this craziness. It was all for love. Everything you did was for love. This playfulness between the 3 of you never ended. You were like puppies who never grew up. It wasn’t that long ago when you were all playing like this. You played like this up until the day we lost you. There were times you and Leroy chased each other around the house and in the basement. You had the advantage of being small, you could slip under the table, under the gym equipment, able to hide from Leroy. After the play was over, there you were again, kissing Leroy, showing your affection as you did every single day of your short life. Then there were the times you and Leroy fought over a squeaky toy. Leroy, the squeaky hog would always win. I told him many times to let you keep it. He had so many of his own, but he enjoyed the challenge taking it from you. All the times we were all resting in the living room. Your brothers lying down. Mom and Dad watching TV. There you were, with your endless energy, wanting to play. Kicking out your little back feet, jumping forward with your front feet, trying to get someone to play. You wanted to play all the time. You were a very happy dog. Never tired. Always upbeat. Up for anything. I remember years back when you weighed a little less and you were very spry, you would jump from the floor onto the stove and counter top. One time we found you in the sink! You, a small little dog with amazing energy to jump that high. How many times did we find you on the table, the tall pub style table? How about the time we came home and the 3 of you ran from the kitchen? We knew something was up. I put a box of cereal on the counter. I think this is the first time you jumped up there. The giveaway was the inner plastic bag on the floor. Not one morsel in it or on the floor. You must have been the one who jumped up, knocked it down, and the 3 of you had a feast. That was the only explanation. How about when we were out one day, and we let you guys run loose around the house? You jumped on my nightstand and then on top of my dresser. Your nails scratched the tops. It seemed important then. Now I cherish those scratches. I’m glad I couldn’t get them out. They will stay with me forever as long as I have this bedroom set. My little boy, I remember you every time I see them. A reminder of my super dog. We didn’t want you to hurt yourself by jumping so high or maybe burn yourself if you landed on the stove again, so we put up locking gates. What a wonderful brother you were. Always there, always caring for them. Always loving them and giving them comfort. I don’t remember you ever getting sick except the time you got an IM vaccine and you were in pain. You were always a healthy dog. You were unselfish. You gave yourself to your brothers when they needed someone. You proved to be a terrific friend, brother, and son to us. Your affection and love for us, your Mom and Dad, was just as strong as it was for your brothers. You sincerely loved all of us. You REALLY loved all of us. I knew then and I still know now, what a wonderful giving brother and son you were. That’s why I took so many pictures of you when you were kissing us all. Parker, you never asked for much. You loved finding a small crumb on the floor, it was a highlight of your day. It didn’t take much to make you happy. I’d see you peeking around the wall while I cooked, not only to watch me, but to see if you could catch a tiny crumb or morsel. Oh, Parker, how smart and sharp you were. On the way back from walking you in the yard, you would tug me and pull me toward the driveway pavement. I didn’t think of that, but you did. The grass would be wet from rain or with snow and ice, and you walked me to the dry area. So smart of you. I didn’t even think of that. I have always thought of you like this. I always knew what a special dog you were. I wanted to spend more time with you, until you were old and gray. I wanted to be there with you if the day would come when you would need love and comfort from your brothers. When they could give it back to you. One day, we were walking all 3 of you and a huge Rottweiler, at least 110 lbs. charged at all of us. We were scrambling to get the 3 of you away and make sure the dog would not hurt any of you or chase us. Porter and Leroy were barking. There were only 2 of us trying to keep the 3 of you calm to get away. You got loose from your harness. I panicked, thinking you may get hit by a car. What did you do? You barked and barked as loud as your tiny 13 lb. body could and then you chased away that Rottweiler! You chased it till it ran with its tail between its legs. My little hero. You were our hero that day. Something I never saw you do and something I will never forget. It was just last summer when the 3 of you somehow got out of the house. One of us left the door ajar. You, only you, stayed on the property. My honest little Parker. You came up to your Dad to let him know you were out and I know you were giving him the message that your brothers were not around. I believe you were trying to talk to us. Because of your warning, we were able to find your 2 brothers down by the corner and get them safely home. If it wasn’t for you, I don’t know if either of your brothers could have gotten hit by a car. You came to us right away. Another time you were our hero. I am going to miss those times. Every day is empty in this house without you. The pack leader, affectionate and loving brother, the fun-loving, happy little boy. My sweet little peanut. My angel. You were taken way too soon. On Christmas Eve, one of the worst days to lose you. Holidays will never be the same. Every day I feel I miss you more and more. I can’t explain my little baby, why this happened. I don’t know myself. I do know it should have never happened. Every day is a struggle without you. Now I am facing the hardest time of my life. Parker, how will we manage without your love? Your love that healed, that soothed, and made us whole again. Your tender love that filled our entire home. Parker, we need you here now for Porter. He needs your love. We need you to watch over your brother Porter who is being treated for pancreatitis. He needs your love and kisses. You always made it right. Please always remember that I love you and never meant for you to be harmed. I did everything possible to protect you since you were a pup. I miss you so much. I can’t change what happened. Oh, how I want to, but I can’t. It is very unfair. Your life was taken from you. You were not sick. You were very healthy and very young, only 6 years old. So unfair. I want to see you again at the Rainbow Bridge, if there is one. I hope there is. I am counting on it. I want to be reunited with you again, My Little Baby, My Peanut Parker. I LOVE YOU FOREVER, MOM

It is such a routine procedure, but there are a lot of unanswered questions with this vet. Things were not right. Missing notes, missing vitals, no info about the procedure. My dog was a very fearful dog. Didn't like being handled by strangers. This was a different vet, not our regular one. This vet knew he was nervous. He wrote "fractious" on the last note, yet left the rest of it mostly blank. After seeing these notes and showing them to others, it appears it's possible my dog never made it to anesthesia as they said. It's quite possible his fear and fright was a cause of his passing. I think they held him against his will and he was petrified. Any caring vet would call the owner and let them now their pet is in panic mode. I suspect something sinister happened, especially with no notes to back up their story. There are a lot of lies, too. I am devastated. This happened on Xmas Eve, who knows if they were preoccupied, low staffed, or the vet wasn't even in the room. My dog lost his life senselessly for something that wasn't necessary. I am going to challenge him in court. I have a state complaint going out this week. It won't bring me dog back, but maybe the state will crack down on him and others like him and save other pets. I need justice for my dog. He was healthy, only 6, and this should have never happened. If the vet was uncomfortable working with him or felt he was "fractious" he should have called me immediately. As it is, he called me hours after he passed which right there is a totally wrong. My life hasn't been the same. I'm full of guilt having him go there for something non necessary. I am still grieving. My life is upside down without my little leader, my hero and best friend to his 2 brothers. Big loss in my home. I cry every day. I'm not healed yet. Thank you for the video. I hope it really exists. It's my only hope to see my little boy again and tell him I'm sorry.

I somehow can't move forward. My young little dog passed away unexpectedly due to fatal mistake by a bad vet. I am riddled with guilt for letting him go there. This was a different vet we found out too late he was incompetent and killed my dog, just for a routine dental cleaning. Something that takes less than an hour. He did nothing right and everything wrong. My dog did not deserve this. It was voluntary and I regret sending him there. I grieve and cry every day. I don't now how to manage this. It's a big loss. He was the pack leader and such a wonderful friend to his 2 brothers. What do I do? I am beside myself. He didn't need this done. He was only 6 and very healthy. He was a fearful dog. It's possible they kept him in fear against his will without calling me to alert me that he was frightened. It' only my 2 other dogs that keep me going. Is there really a bridge? I need some kind of hope. I am lost. I don't eat right. I'm down 17 lbs and haven't gained any back. His passing is tearing me apart inside. I loved my little guy and I feel I failed him. I had on word to say to prevent this fro happening. I could have said NO, that he was not coming in and I would have kept him home. He'd be here today instead of in a box in my closet which I still cannot open!!!