Johnny

Thank you Dee- Starring down at my feet through the glass floor!

Thank you KayC.

Only two days remain until the first anniversary of my wife Rene'e passing away on Nov. 30th 2018. I realize now that even after all this time, I am still in disbelief and incomprehension. Losing the one who made life worth everything is like being stuck in an altered state where there is just no escape. One thought that is a comfort to me is realizing that if she had a choice she would be here with me still. Her loss was a tragic accident and all who knew her miss her dearly. I am so glad to have had her in my life even if only for a little while. God's Peace

KayC- At the top of the Space Needle where you can step outside in the open air. Nothing between me and straight down but a thick piece of glass. Awesome place! Really enjoyed going up and very interesting how it rotates at the top. Took my stomach away when we started going up as I was standing very close to the glass door where you could look out and straight down. Chickened out for a moment and had to grab the hand rail in the elevator! Ha, ha

Sorry kayC, I got a little confused when trying to upload more than one picture at a time. Happy Thanksgiving all!

Celebrated last Thanks Giving Holiday together with my wife Rene'e and we were invited to eat dinner at her Mother's home. This Thanksgiving I will be spending Thanks Giving with other co-workers having dinner in the Hampton Suite Downtown Seattle. Still so hard to believe how things have changed. I did manage to go see the Space Needle in honor of my wife. Really enjoyed it and even felt a brief moment of peace and joy. It was a beautiful day with an even more beautiful sunset seen from 500 feet up.

KayC - I too know what it is like to be truly loved. Rene'e gave me that precious gift each and every day. The last thought I will have on this earth will be of her.

MLG- Working in Seattle for the company I work for and will be alone on Thanksgiving. I like very much the term you used "Angelversary". Did not catch it at first but you know I can only hope that I will be able to see her again in some way. I miss her so much that if I knew I could see her I would just pray to the Lord that he go ahead and take me. And the tears still flow....

Katie, I feel exactly the same even though I am approaching the one year anniversary of my dear wife Rene'e passing away unexpectedly in her sleep. We were married on Oct. 6th, 2018 and she passed away on Nov. 30th, 2018. I was totally and utterly devastated and I too know that a part of my being ceased to exist on that terrible day she was taken away from my arms forever. At first, I was in complete shock and did not have any notion how to keep on going without her. I am so very thankful for the good people who listened to me here while I was in my deepest throws of unimaginable pain from loss of the one whom I loved so dearly. I truly believe that reaching out and writing about what I was feeling helped me in ways I will never really know. I am so thankful to have a place to go where there is true understanding of what it means to lose the one love of my life. I am so very, very, sorry for your loss. I too never got to experience my first Christmas together with my wife Rene'e. All the things people say to try to make me feel better just didn't stack up to even begin to make me feel any better. What I feel helped the most is being able to speak freely about the way I felt without ever having to worry about being judged for it. I needed that more than anything. And, I still do.

You are right. Since Rene'e died, I have not felt as if I have been in control of anything. All I feel I have left is loneliness until the bitter end. I just don't get it. Aren't we deserving of happiness just as much as others we see all around us? My God, why does it have to hurt so much and why isn't there any happiness left. Nobody wants to have to live out the rest of their lives alone. If we can't even find peace in sleep, what else is there out there for us? After all, we are still alive and in the world. Dammit, it's just not right. We are good caring and loving people.

For a finite time, each day while we sleep, there is a brief reprieve from the pain of such devastating loss. But, at the very moment of waking, there is the instant realization, the one we love is gone. It is so very difficult to find hope some days.♥️

KayC - I keep a little hand written note from Rene'e in my wallet. I liked what it said and I put it in my wallet so I could take it out and read it any time I wanted to remember how she felt. It says, "Johnny, I am so sorry for all your tears. Everything you said about me was correct. I guess my ego is bigger than I thought. I do love you & only you". Signed "Rene'e". I used to worry about all the medication she had to take just to help her make it through the day and I begged her to promise me that she would be careful. She knew I was only telling her this because I truly loved her and never wanted to see anything happen to her. She always felt she could handle the medication because she had been on it for fifteen years. I could not help but worry and the note she wrote to me was her way of saying that she understood how I felt and loved the more for it. I miss her so very much, Always and forever - my baby, Rene'e

Dee - I also feel as if Rene'e is here in Seattle with me. I know she visited the Space Needle once before in the past, so part of my journey is to stand in the same place she visited in the past to honor her memory and take in the view just as she did. That would make me happy and warm my heart. Maybe I'll plan to go there on the day of the anniversary of her passing. I think that would be fitting. If the tears come, then let them come. She is worth all the tears I have left in me.

Seattle is truly a beautiful city with lots to see and do. It has been a very refreshing change from my normal routine although the work is challenging (75.5 hour work week last week). I have been enjoying my stay here. Although, I am drawing near to the first anniversary of my wife's passing. It hit me really hard when I remembered telling my wife that I would be traveling to Seattle for work for six weeks. I have been preparing for this trip for two years. It's hard to work on a single project for so long and I so very much wish that she was here to support me the way she would as always. She was truly the fire that drove me to try harder. I would do anything for us and she would have come here too to be with me. Was doing ok and managing the grief spikes better with the Clonazepam until my dear friend called me out of the blue to try to interest me in investing in some life insurance. Then, I realized there wasn't much point because I have no one to leave anything too. I felt as if I were gone, no one would be affected by my loss. I know this is not true because I have family that love me but no family that I could call my own. Rene'e and our fur babies were the only family of my own I've ever had in my whole life. Still have the fur babies and I am grateful for that. But it no longer feels like I have a family of my own with her gone now. I may never have a family I can call my own again and that realization causes all the tears to flow again. Clonazepam helps but it won't stop the tears from flowing like a river when I really think of all that I lost. God's Peace

Gwen, I will be sure to try Ivars, Thanks a million.

Yes, have not experienced the rain yet but I like it here very much. So many dog walkers all right in the middle if down town, My kind of people. It really seems like a live and let live place. The farthest west I've ever been before was Clovis Air Force Base New Mexico. Clovis had the craziest weather I've ever been in, it was 99 degrees the day we arrived and it snowed the next. Also, not sure of if it was due to the time of season but the wind never quit blowing the whole three weeks. Constant twenty-five MPH and upwards gusts had me wanting to be back home in a hurry, You get tired of the wind beating you to death. Seattle is truly an amazing place but one of the most striking aspects of the place is how carefree people seem to be always smiling and women walking down the dark streets all alone. This is something I really do not see back home very much in Columbia, S.C. People smile a lot back home in S.C. but I get the impression that people here in Seattle are not trying to size you up. I guess the women here just feel a lot safer and that seems very refreshing to me. I asked someone in Seattle I met why this was, and he said "people around hear just have a live and let live attitude". And I replied, "now that's the way it should be". Amazing! Great place to be. 😊 This is the Ship I am working aboard.

Well I am in Seattle. Really feeling the time difference, So far it seems to be a very trendy place with a lot of very friendly people. I've noticed a lot of smiles since I been here and definitely noticed how dog friendly it is, people walking their dogs everywhere. Very nice. My first time flying over the Rockies and it was so beautiful it took my breath away. Today was an exceptional day weather wise. Looking forward to going to the space needle and Pike's place market. Always looking for great places to eat and I thank you very much Gwenivere for the insights. Will definitely find time to check them out during my 47 day stay. Seattle seems to me to be a very hip place with a lot of interesting friendly people. I like it already. Glad to be here and get away from the same old ground hog day routine. 😊

In fact, I will be staying at the Hampton Inn Suites Down Town Seattle.

Gwenivere- I have one day a week I can go check out the sites. I will be staying in the Hampton Inn downtown Seattle. Only one block from a grocery store and five blocks away from the Space Needle. I heard the "fish market"? is a must see and the harbor is beautiful. I also heard we are only about 70 miles from Mt. Rainier. I friend and I have our passports so we are also thinking about driving to Vancouver. Can you recommend any must see places like good restaurant for seafood? I heard you have to pay for your grocery bag or bring it back later. Funny, it like cost you a nickle?😁

KayC- I don't even want to think about a 26 degree night. Very rare hear even in the grips of winter. Already taking the Clonopin as the Dr. prescribed will see him again when I get back so he can evaluate my dosage and how I've been doing. Seems to really help with my worrying nature which causes a lot of anxiety for me. Since my wife passed away I seem to worry about everything. Was it the same for you at first?

Thanks Gwenivere, It's gonna be hell with the time change. Flying out of Columbia S.C. to Atlanta GA. then a two and a half hour layover then fly out to Seattle which is about a five and a half hour flight. Saw that it's already dipping below freezing in your neck of the woods. I am from Columbia S.C. and we know nothing about the cold. If we get 1/2 inch of snow the whole town shuts down and I am not exaggerating. It's comical just the mere mention of snow and bread and milk start flying off the shelf. Oh yes, and nobody here knows how to drive in the snow and there is always vehicles in the ditch. Very glad to have found a Dr. that would listen to me. I understand your dilemma a little more as I was unsure as how to go about asking for something that would help me deal with the bad days while out of town. The Dr. himself suggested the clonopin because of its long lasting quality. Learned to respect it though cause it's misleading that it is only .5mg twice a day which is only 1mg per day which seems like nothing but I learned very quickly that this dosage is more than enough for me. Any more than this would just knock me out and that would be terrible. It does work wonders and is a true gift for me to have found something that would give me a tool to deal with the times when I feel overwhelmed which is much of the time these days since I have been alone and isolated for the most part.

Thanks everyone, Sorry you got bit KayC, I read about the little guy you had for awhile and it was heart breaking. Good news! Finally got on work health insurance and my Dr. signed me up for counseling. Very happy about that. Found a good Dr. who put me on Klonopin .5mg twice a day. Told him I knew I needed a crutch since I am going to Seattle for six weeks for work. Having a lot of stress about kenneling my Strider boy for 47 days. Aunt says she will keep the little girl Arwen which cuts down on the Kennel costs. $1,150 dollars just for Strider. Hate to be away from my fur babies and home for so long but it is a good opportunity for me and the fruition of a two year long job so I am grateful. It is tough losing my brother. It's one thing being around the people I work with but I can't be an emotional mess around the customers I work with so I am glad the good Dr. agreed to give me a crutch to get me over the anniversary of the death of Rene'e which is coming up on Nov. the 30th while I will be working out of town. Don't know if I will need it but I feel better knowing that I have it just in case. The weather is perfect hear and in one week I leave for Seattle where it is already freezing temperatures at night and the day time high was 52. It was 80 here. Big change coming just need to tough it out for six weeks and make it home on Dec. 19th to be with my fur babies. Thank you everyone one the condolences of my step brother. God rest his soul.

KayC said "We loved each other. And to have that ripped away just as you were getting started, well it seems beyond grievous. We had just put our lives together, how could it be unraveling so quickly!" This is really a very very hard thing to deal with. I think it has all to do with realizing just how much I lost with my dear wife Rene'e no longer by my side. A whole different life of happiness spent together that can now only be imagined. What could have been if only she were still here. I remember what life felt like then when I see pictures of us together. It reminds me of how happy I was. I made it through my one year wedding anniversary somehow. I only remember that I was hoping nothing bad would happen on that day because I was hurting so badly that I would not have been able to deal with it unless I had no other choice. The one year anniversary of her passing away is still to come. It will come on this Nov. 30th next month. I am trying to prepare myself for this day as best I can. I have not posted recently because I am trying to deal with the unexpected death of another family member. My youngest step brother was killed in a hit and run motorcycle accident. This just happened on Sep. 28th. I am having a difficult time grieving his passing away because I am still grieving the loss of my wife. My mother was there for me when my wife died and now I am trying to help her deal with the death of her step son. The hardest part is that he was only 44 years old and leaves behind a son of 23 years and a one year old daughter. I still can not believe he is gone. I just saw him and his daughter while visiting my mom only two weeks prior to his demise. Sometimes I just don't know what to think. Although I did not eat the wedding cake on the one year wedding anniversary, I did wake up one night afterwards and sleep walked into the kitchen on auto pilot and took the cake out of the freezer and ate some of the icing without even thinking about it or giving it a second thought. I guess if you eat while sleep walking is that considered sleep eating? 😊

From my experience, Doctors do not seem adept in prescribing for the feeling of utter pain and sadness from devastating loss. I went to a urgent care just to talk to a Doctor about my unshakable sadness and he said it was normal given I had only been grieving for five months. He prescribed an anti-depressant. I tried the anti-depressant, but it gave me headaches and made me unsteady on my feet which is dangerous for me at work so I stopped taking it after two weeks. When I went to see my family on Easter day for Easter dinner, I told them I honestly knew I was sad all the time and that I thought I should see if I could find some help. They thought it was a good idea and supported me in my decision, so I went to the ER as I have no regular Doctor. When I arrived at the ER with my Mother and my Sister accompanying me, the nurse asked me a few questions and told me that they would have me talk to a Doctor, I did not know what I expected for him to do I only knew I had to do something. After talking to him at length about the loss of my dear wife Rene'e, and telling him all of the feelings I've had since I lost her, he had only two questions for me. One question was, "What is it that you love now?" to which I answered very quickly "I love my dogs and my work". The second question was, "Do you own a gun?" to which I answered very quickly "No, I have never owned a gun". He seemed satisfied and informed me that I suffered from Major Clinical Depression, so I thought "Oh great, wonderful times ahead". On all, I would say I spoke to him for about 30 minutes, at most, and he was done. He referred me to some outpatient Doctor and Counseling I could not afford and I have not been back to see another Doctor since. I think I felt worse for having tried. Thank goodness I can talk here, and sleep 😴

I absolutely do not agree with this new normal at all. I was alone before for a very long time (20 years) and I never felt alone like I feel now. This alone is different kind of alone. Before, I was alone and I had hope, hope that I could find someone who loved me the way my wife did. With her I finally felt happy and had everything figured out. I had purpose. I had a life for us imagined as we were just getting started, and I gave thanks for her presence every day. Now I have none of that. It's all gone. This is a strange normal. A normal that should never have happened. I think it's more like facing your worst nightmare, a nightmare you can never wake up from, more than anything else.