Johnny

Thank you KayC, My wife had very beautiful hazel eyes. I really loved looking at them. It's one of the many things that attracted me to her. I had a dream last night that I was driving my old white truck with her by my side and she was jokingly giving me a hard time about it cause we had just bought a pretty 2016 red truck which I had chose to leave at home. I couldn't see her although I could feel her. When I remembered the dream when I woke up I felt comforted for a moment then I just broke down into tears. Since we brought the red truck together just two weeks before she passed I have a difficult time driving it. I can still remember how happy we were when we drove it home from the dealership together as she listened to her favorite song and the huge smile she had on her face as she sang the words to me and looked into my face lovingly. I wish we could just all go back to the wonderfully happy lives we all had. It does really help to have all of you to talk to and understand so completely how difficult it is to try to find a way to continue on. Thank you everyone.

Hi Gwenivere, I have been reduced to tears once again. It's getting close to the one year anniversary of my first date with my dear wife Rene'e. Our first date was May 23rd, 2018. I was actually dreading the end of winter just because we first met in the spring. This spring I would be without her. It is so crazy how much even the things I do not like so much I really didn't mind doing once I knew I had someone in my life who truly loved me. Every act takes on a whole different meaning. When I lived alone, I would do work around the house out of having nothing else better to do and wanting to get things done. When I was with a Rene'e I would mow the lawn, walk the dogs , wash the cars, paint the house, wash the dishes, take out the trash, go get groceries, and prepare dinner, with ease and a light heart and a big smile on my face the whole time because I knew life was good and at the end of the day I would be spending my time with the one person I loved more than anything in the world. My wife. I gladly faced all of life's daily challenges because I no longer had to be alone. We had each other, and together we were going to be just fine. And just when I had everything figured out, everything changed. Now I am alone again and it's so hard. I miss the pure joy of loving and being loved and having somebody. Rene'e put pictures on my refrigerator of her and I and when I looked at them today all I could think of was that I would never get to see her again; never get to hold her again; never get to tell her I love her again. And when I have to do all the things I have to do without her, knowing what it felt like when we had each other, everything seems a thousand times more difficult, and the little losses are very much magnified and the little pains hurt so very much more than I ever imagined they could. I asked her to marry me on June 23rd, just on month after our first date. I had never wanted to be with anyone the way I wanted to be with her. I remember how happy I was when she said "yes". She told me her mother said that I was "a keeper". I am lost this spring without her. I hardly even know it's here. The tears just keep coming. I don't know what I am going to do this June 23rd. I don't even like thinking about it, but I know it's coming. And, I realize the cold hard truth that I have nothing figured out anymore without my beloved Rene'e.

Hi Darrel, I lost my wife just two months after we were married. We used to have great joy each day planning how we would spend our tomorrows together. I went from honeymoon to grief. I felt as if I had died on the night she passed away. Our wedding cake is still in the freezer and it just about kills me when I open the door. I hope I can be with family on our wedding anniversary day. I have a rescue as well. Looks like maybe a little bit Corgi?

It seems to be getting more and more difficult to talk to my family about the loss of my beloved wife Rene'e. They were all present at our wedding and I know they loved her as well. I think that it is definitely true that they feel the pain with me and that it is hard for them too. They remember that when we were together I was the happiest I've ever been. And now, I know they see only my pain from such an overwhelming unexpected loss. I was alone for a very long time before I found my wife Rene'e. She used to send me text at work saying "I am wanting to be with my husband right now". She was so very special to me. It is hard for me to imagine that I could find someone like her in this world, she was my dream come true. My family loves me and they do not want to see me hurting. In this respect, I know it is hard for them too.

When I first met my wife, I was very surprised when she told me she had never slow danced together, arm in arm, cheek to cheek. Our favorite song was Journey's ....forever yours, faithfully. So, I put on our song, grabbed her in my arms, and we began to slow dance together as I sang the words to her looking all the while into her beautiful hazel eyes. When the song finished, she had the biggest smile on her face. For weeks afterwards, every evening when we were together I would ask "what would you like to do"? She would smile and say, "slow dance".

You are right Kieron. Mitch describes it much better than I can. In this respect I see that I am not alone. We all do need each other. Thank you all from the depths of my heart.

Sorry for letting so much of my pain show. Guess I just need to get it out sometimes. I am really grateful for the life I've had. TYL

I have been having a difficult time today. People at work just do not understand the constant pain I feel. I do not have any joy left and it makes doing anything much more difficult. I am just going through the motions still having a hard time concentrating, taking care of myself, trying to find hope. I do not know how to fix me. I feel broken and want so much to stop hurting. Like Mitch said, "It's not an easy way to live. The loneliness and emptiness make it all the more difficult. But, life is precious and we only get one chance at it. And even four years later, it's still grief bursts and baby steps for me." I know I'm having grief bursts and trying my best to be just able to begin to take baby steps. It's only been four months since my wife Rene'e passed away and sometimes I feel like I am going to fall to the ground. I think it's the loneliness and emptiness that is the hardest. My family said that they had never seen me so happy as when we were together. They were right. Rene'e was all I've ever wanted in life but thought I'd never find. I miss you baby.

I have been to twelve weeks of grief share class at the church. They offer a meal right before the class. It gets me out of the house and I know at least for one night of the week I do not need to worry with preparing my own meal. Tonight's topic was "Don't let grief define you". There is only one definite thing I now right now. I am not the person I was before I lost my dear wife Rene'e. I can't understand what has happened to me because I have never experienced such pain before. Every day, from the time I wake in the mourning, until I close my eyes at night, I feel the pain of my loss. I went from the happiest I've ever been in my life to the saddest I've ever been in my life in the space of two months. For me, as compared to being with the love of my life, where I am now is completely unimaginable. I would like to think that living with such a loss is what defines me. How can the deepest love which results in the deepest loss be considered in a negative way? So what are they trying to say? Be careful not to love too much or you could suffer from mental illness? I agree, ridiculous.

Hi Mitch, My last night with Rene'e was one of extreme tenderness and love. She had gone to get her hair permed and she was exhausted from the days effort. She wasn't happy with the way the perm turned out and I thought she looked more beautiful than ever. I was being so attentive and loving she asked me "what is so special about tonight?" , I just looked at her and smiled and said "I love you". Just like you, there were no signs of anything to cause me concern, after we shared dinner together I told her not to worry about lunch tomorrow (I always came home to be with her during my lunch break) because I would pick lunch up for us, she smiled and said "wonderful". We were both looking forward to our next day and the weeks ahead in preparation for our first Christmas together. She had boxes of decorations from Christmas celebrations she had in the past. I went out to the garage to get the decorations. We had already put all the lights on the tree and all that was left was to hang the decorations. When I came back inside with her box of decorations, she said "what are you doing?". I said I went out to get your decorations so we could hang them. She said, "Oh no, I don't want to use those, I want to go by more so we can start our own tradition together". I was really touched by this. She also had a family album with pictures from before we met. When she passed away, her mother wanted to know where the family album was. So I found it and when I opened it up, all that was in the album was pictures of her and I. She had taken all the old pictures out and left them at her mom's house without telling anyone. Her mom found all the pictures she had taken out in her old bedroom in the closet. Both her mom and I had no knowledge that she had done this. She was perfectly happy starting her new life with me. I have never experienced such love before in my life. I am sure it was that way with you and your dear wife Tammy. Thank you for helping me remember the good things.

Thanks George, God Bless.

Hi KayC, I can relate to what you said about buying a porch swing together to watch the hummingbirds and flowers grow. Where I live in Sumter, during the Christmas holiday, we have Swan Lake Iris Gardens Christmas lights. Before I met Rene'e, I used to pass by during the holiday and every time I did I would think of how nice it would be to go inside the gates to see all the Christmas lights but I didn't want to go alone. Rene'e always did her very best to make me happy. That is one of the things that I cherished the most about her. When I told her about the Christmas lights, she wanted more than anything to make my wish come true and we could go together as husband and wife. I was so happy just thinking about it. My wife Rene'e had three back surgeries and two knee replacements so she could not walk for long distances without paying for it later on. So, she asked me if I would help her if she got a wheelchair so she could enjoy the Christmas lights with me without risking being in pain from the long walk. Yes, I said with the biggest smile on my face. So we purchased a very nice wheelchair. The wheelchair was delivered the very morning on the day she passed away. She passed away at about 3:30 am on Nov.30th 2018, the wheelchair was delivered on the front porch at about 9:00 am that very same day. I was so devastated I was not even able to move the wheelchair off the porch. My family member had to move it into the garage for me. It still sits there in the box unopened. Rene'es Mother Sandy, her Son Joshua, and I went together to see the Swan Lake Iris Gardens Christmas Lights in Rene'es honor. I love you Rene'e, the lights were beautiful.

Mitch, the profound answer you got makes since to me. I know I loved her and I did the best I could do with the knowledge I had at the time. The one other thing that helps me is to remember how much Rene'e loved her son. Rightfully, she loved him above all. He was her only child and there is absolutely no way that she would knowingly ever do anything to hurt him or myself. We were the only men in her life. The night she passed away she had her son's Christmas gift under her purse on the kitchen counter. He was coming to see us for Christmas in two weeks and she was very excited. The last time they saw each other was on our wedding day. Joshua, her son of 26 years was her life's joy. I often think of him. life seems so unbelievably unfair. I often thought I would go my entire life without meeting anyone like Rene'e. I am lucky to have had here in my life. It helps to remember the good times. Thank you Sir

Ana, My aunt was practically yelling at me over the phone telling me I needed to be strong. What my family doesn't understand is that although they know what it's like to experience loss of a loved one, they all have at least one other person in their lives to lend a shoulder to cry on in times of need. I do not. So it only hurts me when they tell me that because nobody should have to endure the loss of their life's love alone. You are right, I think just telling someone they need to be strong does not help, because after all, we know we have to be strong. I believe you are already strong and are dealing with your loss even better than I am.

Mitch, You are right, the one thing that brings me some amount of comfort is being able to talk about my wife Rene'e. She was extremely loving and caring. I had to be careful of what I wished for or wanted because she would turn around and make it happen for me. I've never had anybody love me like that. She was what I needed and I was what she needed and together we made one. You are also right about the why's. What is eating me alive right now is the belief that if only I had done one little thing differently, my dear wife would still be with me. I do not seem to be able to convince myself otherwise. As my wife's husband, I am supposed to be able to keep anything from happening to her. It has only been four months now. I need to be able to find some small sense of peace and comfort in this world. I know that is what Rene'e would have wanted. I also know how much she loved me and wanted to be with me. I am so glad I had her. Thank you

Hi George, I am sorry for your loss. Yes, I believe that knowing there are other caring people who share the same pain is something I need. I see others continuing on with their lives at work doing the things I used to like to do when my wife was still with me. This valentines day almost killed me. Everyone was so excited talking about how they were going to spend the day with their special love one. I just sat there in unbelievable pain not able to utter a single word or find one comforting thought. My sister invited my to her boyfriends birthday party and I accepted feeling lucky just to have something to do to get me out of the house. There is nowhere in my home that I can look without being reminded of my loving wife. The first thing she did when we married was to make my bachelors look vanish and put a women's touch on my home. She was amazing that way. When I arrived at my sister's boyfriends birthday party I was not prepared for what I saw. Everyone there was a couple except for me. I wanted more than anything to feel the happiness I saw in others around me. To feel again what it feels like to have your life's love right by your side. To be happy together again. I felt like I was dying inside all over again. Who am I know? I do not have a clue. I feel nothing like the person I was when I was with my wife; strong, confident, always optimistic in any circumstance. I don't understand what happened to the person i used to be. The person my wife fell in love with. This is the hardest part for me. I am an electrical engineer and I have always relied on my mind and creativity. Now, even simple things seem incredibly difficult. I walk into the grocery store to buy groceries and leave with only bread and milk. I do not know what happened to me and I am even more afraid because I do not know how to fix it. Fixing things is what I'm supposed to be good at, but I can't fix this. I don't even look the same anymore. I have many pictures of my wife and I throughout my home. I can see how happy I was in those pictures. I was shocked to see what I look like now in comparison. I can hardly recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I feel like I am alive but no longer part of life. I was never like this before. I am really thankful that you understand. It is so very difficult to explain to another unless they have known what it is like to have the one person you love more than anything in this world taken away so unexpectedly. Thank you and God bless.

I love you Rene'e, always and forever.

Thank you Mitch and KayC for your replies. When I read yours Mitch, I teared up instantly. Your wife was close to the same age as my wife, she was only 49. Yes, are whole lives were ahead of us and each day we made more and more plans and it brought us great joy. Thanks for the advice on what could possibly help during this most difficult time. I think it hurts the most when I truly think about all that I lost. The list is endless. There are so many things I miss that I feel like a stranger to myself. I once told my wife that I did not know what I would ever do without her. She simply replied, " you'll pick up the pieces" . And, all I could think of to say was "but it won't be that easy". Never did I imagine just how hard it is to pick up the pieces. You are both right when you advise me to stay in the moment and take it a day at a time. I can not even imagine thinking about a future for myself right now. My family, although they have experienced loss, have never had to face it alone like I do. I think that is the most difficult thing to do. We can make it through difficult times if we have one other person in our lives to lend a shoulder to cry on. I truly feel I have nobody and I tried to explain this to my family. They do not live close to me. I hardly hear from them. Sometimes when the walls are closing in on me, I pick up the phone and pray someone answers on the other end. Sometimes I just need to hear another voice. I was really touched to see that someone had replied, thank you so very, very, much. God Bless.

I am 52 and this was my first time married. She was the love of my life. She passed away unexpectedly on Nov. 30th 2018. It was to be our first Christmas together. Our wedding was on Oct. 6th and I only had less than two months after being married before she passed away in her sleep. She had three prior back surgeries and two knee replacements. She had a regiment of pain medications and was very meticulous with her planning of times to take each one. She had one of those weekly planners which laid them each out by morning, lunch, evening, and night times. She had sedatives at night to help her sleep. I was accustomed to seeing her become very sleepy 30 minutes after taking her night time medicine. We were sitting at the table and she took her night time medicine and she began to start to fall asleep while sitting in her chair. I knew she had a long day because she had her hair permed earlier that day so I suggested we go ahead to bed so she could get some much needed rest. I woke up during the night and went to get a sandwich and when I went back into the bedroom to check on her, she didn't appear to be breathing. I shook her shoulders gently and called her name aloud and she was unresponsive. I immediately ran to the kitchen and grabbed the Narcan and administered a single dose. Turned her on her side and still no response. I administered a second dose. No response. I called 911 and started CPR while on the phone until the emergency personnel arrived. They examined her and told me from their experience she had passed away before I even began to try to help her. She had simply stopped breathing in her sleep. I have relived that night over and over again each day ever since. I have been in experiencing extreme pain for the loss of my beloved wife. I am having a very difficult time. All joy has left me and I can not imagine a life without her. I feel the pain from the moment a wake till I go to sleep at night. This is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I feel lost and hopeless. I still have not been able to open the Christmas presents she bought for me and she never got to receive the diamond ring I bought for her. I love her always and forever.