Chocolate

On 11/8/2022 at 3:56 AM, kayc said:

I get that.

I don't really worry about anyone trying to find me here, they'd get lost along the way!  Ha!  even my XH never found me here and I know he tried, years ago.  I have my alerter (Kodie) and gun, so do my neighbors. 

The issue is not anyone showing up at your house.  The issue is bots out there collecting data on a person.  They put it all together, open accounts in your  name and your are liable for the bills they create. That's what having one's identity stolen is about.  Most people who experience this are financially ruined.  No one is exempt from this.

kayc, you may not see the burned trees, but they are there and they are there with every burn.  It's horrible all over the place in places where there are massive fires. This time they will not grow back they way they were because of the lack of normal amounts of rain.  The jet stream no longer brings the rain we used to get because the ocean has warmed up.  We've hit a point of no return. People don't seem to realize what the climate change really means.

I did tell you before that I was in the Coast Range and how far away I was.  I won't repeat it.  The reason I am not more specific is because it is not a good idea to have a person's location out there.  There are computer programs that can scan websites, collect the information and use it for purposes of identity theft.  My husband worked in the computer software field.  He knew exactly how a person could do that.

8 minutes ago, Margm said:

I googled your area Kay, close to it anyhow and it is beautiful.  

Unfortunately a lot of areas like where she lives now have dead black trees sticking up all over the place.  All of the west has burn scars now.  It's worse every year.  My grief is exacerbated by this.

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I had no idea you are in the PNW, Chocolate!  I live in the mountains above Oakridge, one mile from the Cedar Creek Fire, now FINALLY under control but it burned and emitted major smoke for three months, pretty much destroying the end of summer and early Fall for us...the air was 1600 when I evacuated the second time!  My eyes, throat, nasal passages, and tongue burned, with two air filtration systems going.  

 

 

I've  mentioned to you a number of times approximately where I live.  Apparently you forgot. I had smoke from the Cedar Creek Fire off and on since it started, but not as bad as you or Eugene.  I am tucked into the mountain.  I found the latest data online, and the fire is out except for a little smoldering thanks to the recent rain.  I get my television news out of Eugene.  I know it was horrendous for you there.

The fire danger is logical, when one thinks about it.  We haven't had enough rain for years.  The trees are dry and dying from the bottom up. My husband and I cleared out the things growing close too close to the house about 25 years ago.  The problems is that most of the fires this year were caused by lightening.

4 minutes ago, Margm said:

"The burning of fossil fuels refers to the burning of oil, natural gas, and coal to generate energy. We use this energy to generate electricity, and to power transportation (for example, cars and planes) and industrial processes."

I will admit that I never thought about the diesel we used as harming the atmosphere.  It actually burns less fossil fuel.  But, I do have to admit, going to different places in our regular gas powered truck, I did not have enough sense to compare the two.  

This was just "how I handled the emptiness" that we cannot really ever cover up that hole left in our life.  

We are in a climate emergency right now.  Studies, including one done at Oregon State University point to this.  Everything that burns damages the environment.  I'm in the Pacific Northwest.  Our electricity comes from hydroelectric power.  Since we are in the middle of a huge drought in general, at some point there will be none of that either.  The only good power is generated by solar and wind.

True, the hole is there.

7 minutes ago, Margm said:

Somewhere along the line of time the realization came to me that our house would need major repairs.  They were not needed right then.  I was not/am not Susie Homemaker.  Billy was never a house repairer, (we had been RV'ers and wanted to live that way) but family situations made us move into a brix and stix.  I knew in an apartment, the repairs would be done by management and I would not have to worry.  The first time I had a problem, the maintenance man patted me on the back when I thanked him for fixing the problem and said "that is what we are here for."  Billy and I had bought another RV, we were going to put the house on the market and were going to "hit the road" again.  Instead, he left without me.  I had no strings holding me down and could not RV by myself, it was our dream, I would not live it without him.  

Yes, houses need repairs.  When I lived in an apartment I was always concerned that someone else's carelessness could burn down the place I lived.  My dad was paranoid about fire. As far as RVs go, they burn fossil fuel, and that is one of the things destroying the climate and life on this planet.  So living where you live is a better option.

11 minutes ago, Margm said:

The other night, the people who live above us, they have a baby under six months old.  I woke up with a thud sound that was so familiar that I could not have regrets.  It was a bottle from a baby hitting the floor when she was finished with it.  I like quiet, I just do not like loud quiet.  I miss Billy so very much, but I do not regret moving where I hear noise.  And, I sleep.  I have "help" sleeping, and will argue with anyone that I want my quality of life to come before my quantity.  I have quantity.  But what I did, even though it was best for me, it definitely is not for every person in this situation. 

The sounds of others would annoy me.   I hate the place being empty of his presence.  The animals in the yard comfort me.  We learned to talk to turkeys and deer.  They do have language.  Crow are neat birds.  To me the sounds they all make is special.  After living in a house I would hate living in an apartment.  We each have to find our own way.

On 2/3/2022 at 5:44 PM, Polinjay said:

Hello,  I'm new here. I'm suffering the recent loss of my dad who was over in England.  Also our only son moved away to start his first job in another state. He's been with us for 27 years homeschooled and then home everyday from college. The last two years all of his classes were online at home. There's more. I just can't write it all out.

I began having anxiety and panic attacks when our son moved out in October and they have been brutal, every day. I have had no appetite since then either. In December My dad went down hill ( he had liver cancer) and died, I was alone as my husband was working away. It's all been such a trauma. I've gone from 117lbs to 96lbs. Has anyone else dealt with a complete loss of appetite for so long?  Every day is a nightmare of trying to push down food. 

I'd be grateful for any words of support. I have no close friends and only my husband - who is doing his best but doesn't really understand what I'm going through. I feel so alone and don't know what to do. 

 

I'm so sorry you lost your dad.  My husband has been gone for 9 months and I still don't have an appetite.  I eat out of duty to my body.  I know if I don't eat I will literally starve to death and the process will be awful.  I watch my husband starve to death because of the cancer.

Has anyone ever known someone who's family was mafia?  It's quite enlightening.  I had a dear friend, who passed now, his grandfather was the Don.  Grandpa insisted my friend not be in the mob.  So when I heard of The Sopranos, I wasn't interested in watching.

13 minutes ago, Margm said:

He held out his arms to me.  I hit them down and turned my back.  I was not going to let him go.  He didn't listen to me.

I'm so sorry.  I couldn't stop my husband from leaving me either.

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Except in such circumstances as cheating.  I am sorry for your sister but thankful she's out of it.

I'm telling you the way we were raised.  I know what the Bible says about this.  So many things get interpreted the way whoever is reading it reads.  The person could get a divorce, but not remarry.  I abandoned the beliefs.  She did not.  I won't get into a religious discussion here.  She lost herself because of it.

For my sister was a matter of having been raised that it was a sin to get a divorce. Her husband fooled around.  He robbed her of her self-esteem and a number of other things.  He did take good care of her as she was dying, but....

16 hours ago, kayc said:

And I have articles on reversing it with diet...she wasn't interested.  I didn't know about it when my mom had it.  Peggy had a passive suicide wish, never took care of herself, retired at 49 and stayed in her easy chair and ate what she wanted...but all the more so after her husband passed.    I miss her, so much.

16 hours ago, kayc said:

 

I miss my sister too.  She needed to dump  her husband and find someone else.  She stayed and it took a hit on her health.

5 hours ago, kayc said:

So true, and I felt this way when my sister died, she was always in my life and we lived in the same town 45 years, she may have been disabled and had dementia (a challenge!) but she (in her lucid times) was my best friend.  It's good for us to make a list of contacts with our will so people will be contacted when it's our time to go...

A lot of dementia is caused by the multiple medications we take in our older years.  They can interact negatively with each other and leave us in a fog.  I studied that in college.  It's still the same.  There's no way to let the family members of my friends know that I need to be contacted when they die.  I have no access to them. 

6 hours ago, Novi said:

Animals can be such a huge help, it's like they know. And they seem to know just how to help too, while for some people the topic of grief is awkward or even inconvenient for them to try to approach. I started having night terrors after my mom passed away and I remember one specific time I woke up absolutely panicked and terrified. I wasn't even sure where I was... Beck was sitting on top my dresser and he woke, then let out a loud but gentle meow. Hearing his voice just sent this sense of relief over me and I was instantly calm after that. He was such a big help during that time of my life. They truly are a blessing.

Yes, animals seem to know.  Beck sounds wonderful.  You're right about people's responses.  It seems like animals are higher souls than humans are.

9 hours ago, Novi said:

Beck was my soulmate even though he was a cat. And you're right, the pain of losing an animal vs a human loved one is different but equally painful, at least from my experience, and I'm sure for many others. Thank you, I am better now. It always helps to try and remember how fortunate I was to have Beck in my life. He may have been a rescue animal but it was he who saved me. 

My little cat Po sleeps beside me every night and has been a  huge comfort since my husband died.  Among the living, Po is my best friend. I call him my lifesaver. 

4 hours ago, kayc said:

 

When Kitty died it was different in that she'd lived such a good long life, she was ready, her kidneys and liver already shut down, she was 25 1/2.  I mourned her but it was consoled with the fact she was ready and everything went so well but with Arlie that wasn't the case.  They botched the euthanasia big time and I'll never forget the look of immense pain that distorted his sweet face!

How an individual dies makes such a difference. 

When I'm in the depth of pain I have no emotional/spiritual energy to do anything, even when the person is caring and means well.

On 9/11/2022 at 7:34 AM, LittleRedHen said:

 

I know I’m not special. I know that other people have had to navigate difficult things like this too. But how? The emotions are so overwhelming. I feel so alone and yet overloaded all at once. So guilty, like I have done something wrong yet I know I didn’t. And most of all, I just want to talk to my Dad. 

The worms can come out of the woodwork at the time of death.  The parts of my family that were estranged remained that way at various deaths.  I had always thought when I was younger that I could "fix" things if showed my compassion and revealed the good person I am inside.  I was wrong.  Some things can't be fixed.  I think most people are broken in some ways, and unless they take steps to fix that themselves it spews over onto others.  That's a hard thing to accept.

And oh 'tis comfort small

To think that many another lad

Has had no luck at all.

A. E Housman

It's a doubly whammy when your best friend is your soulmate and suddenly they are gone.  Suddenly doesn't have to mean they all at once died.  Suddenly just means, no matter how long the death process took, all at once no one lives in that body anymore.  I miss sharing my thoughts and ideas with my friend/husband/sweetheart.  I was/am far closer to him than I ever was to any of my other friends. I have had other dear friends die, and with some of my friends who are still alive, I wonder if anyone will let me know they are gone.  When it comes to handling the situation at the time of a death, often family members are so overwhelmed that "friends" get left out of the contact list.  The older a person gets the more this is true.

Guess I found this too late.

On 10/14/2022 at 8:20 PM, Sad_Widower said:

Hi all,

So they say that the survivor often does not live long after the death of their soulmate. 

In my case, this appears it will be true.  

I want to share with you all I have been diagnosed with Terminal Stage IV colon cancer.  The good news is if I had not gone to the ER and left untreated, the doctor said i only had a few months.  The bad news is it is incurable.  

 

I'm sorry to hear of your diagnosis.  I think all of us who have lost a soulmate feel our health go downhill.  How do they plan to treat it? Will you need surgery?  Will you have chemo and/or radiation?  Is there anyone to take care of you and take you to appointments?  Have you felt your wife with you since the diagnosis? My husband lived 8 more years after his colon was removed.

As for me, if I get that kind of diagnosis, I've decided I will just allow it to take it's course.  There is no one to take care of me in any way.  You will be in my thoughts.

8 hours ago, Marg M said:

They mean well, but you have to learn the difference in empathy and sympathy.  You will know the ones that know the difference.  

I do know the difference.  She is very ill with M.S. and in horrid pain.  The only way to cure the problem is to not talk to her at all.  I don't want to do that.  That would be unkind of me.

I met my soulmate/twin flame at the river.  He was on vacation fishing, and I was healing myself from the death of someone else.  He came over and asked me if I'd seen any fish.  I thought it a unique line.  Turns out it wasn't a line, but we were together after that for 31 and a half years.  We both knew....

On 10/13/2022 at 10:43 AM, Roxi said:

I miss too that kind of istant connection with my love...i miss the freedom to say to him what i don"t want to say to anyone else, the things i hidden in my soul...and he listened and he understand...

Where i can find someone else i can trust so much ?

Without him i am silent...and of course sad

This is exactly how I feel. 

On 10/3/2022 at 8:52 AM, FreebirdNY1958 said:

Hello all, new kid on the block here as of yesterday. I found this forum via a recent Google search on how to deal with the anniversary of a loved one's passing date. It's been 18 years but every year is still a struggle. I've read up on anniversary triggers and manage to get thru it. I am feeling better today. Whew....the intensity still amazes me.

I am looking forward to participating on the site. I've been reading a lot of the posts already. 

J

For me it's been 8 plus months, so on the monthly-versary it is still very hard, and I think of what I was doing at the time of his death and about the events leading up to it.

Last night I had a life-long friend tell me it would get easier every day - that I'm healing.  She was trying to be supportive, but she is not with her soulmate.  They both settled for each other.  Well, I will never be healed at least not in this lifetime.  I told her so.  People need to realize it is different for each of us, and if the one we loved and lost was the love of our life, it will never really be okay.  So I spent the night more achy than I would have been if she had said nothing.  I'm thinking that I need to stop sharing with people who have never been there.