Chocolate

3 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Wow, living with someone with an addiction must be so hard. My late husband was diagnosed with a mental illness and chose not to be treated or medicated for years. It took a toll on our married to the point of him saying we should go our sperate ways. I dug in my heels and we went to therapy. Even when he finally did go on medication his thoughts didn't seem like his own. Just 5 months before he died he said we should end things, it hit me hard. I don't know where we would be if he had lived.

You mom's relationship story is incredible! She now has many souls to reconnect with up in Heaven.

How awful for you relative to your husband.  How long were you together?  No wonder that you'd like to find a new relationship.  You didn't have what some of us here have had. When did he pass away?

I didn't live with my boyfriend.  We were at his apartment sometimes and sometimes at my house.  I didn't see much of the addictive behavior, but as the relationship progressed I realized where it might be headed.  The drinking destroyed his pancreas.  He drank instead of ate, at times.  The tumor was in the pancreas and wrapped around his liver.  It progressed very rapidly.  He was basically a good soul. His drinking started after his mother died when he was 21.

5 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

That's so lovely that you found another relationship that was meaningful Chocolate. My mom died and my dad was widowed when I was 4, he remarried when I was 24. Then his 2nd wife died of cancer 10 yrs later. He then found love for a 3rd time in his 70's and eloped of all things when he was 81! They're still going strong and he is now 93. It's kind of inspiring to see, and to know that the possibility of a 2nd love exists and is out there. My daughter so wants me to find love again, she's not pushing me though, she just wants me to have a loving relationship again when I'm ready.

I'd been divorced twice before I met my boyfriend.  Although I loved him dearly, if he had not died I would have probably ended it eventually.  He was a practicing alcoholic.  My husband who just passed had also been married twice before.  He was the other half of me.  With him, he just showed up when I was doing something I needed and wanted to do.  It was the same for him.  After my dad died, Mom (65) was alone for 18 years. She didn't want anyone but Dad. Then she found a man at church.  They married. Two years later he died.  She then married the widower of my dad's niece, a long time friend.  He died a couple of years later.  Once she was in the nursing home she fell in love again.  The man was a sweetheart.  He passed away, and she said, "Why do they always leave me?" About a year later she died at age 91.

3 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

I agree, that is a nice thought. I'd like my Michael back, just like nashreed said he wishes to have Annette back. For me I'd want the version of Michael before his illness took hold and changed his core self, then I would have the best of him again.

I'm with you on not wanting to be alone nashreed. I'm perfectly fine having my alone time and solitude, and I don't 'Need' someone, but man would it be nice to come home to someone and share my day with, to have meaningful conversations, or just hang and watch Netflix. I really miss the simplicities of having someone in my life.

Interesting thought Chocolate. I'm still in my 50's and it has crossed my mind. Don't think I'm quite ready for that, but I am keeping the idea on the whiteboard and am not ruling it out. Of course it won't be the same type of relationship I had with my late husband, but I also think another relationship can still be meaningful in it's own way.

After my boyfriend died of cancer when I as 39, I was sure I didn't want anyone.  A year and a half later I went for a walk to the river.  That's when I met my husband who recently died. I knew we were supposed to be together.  What I'm saying is that it is possible to meet someone.  No one can replace another, but if a relationship is what you want, I'd say go for it.  There is a forum called Buzz50.  They used to have a dating site as well.  You might try them.  I'm sure there are others.  Some of them have been advertised on tv.  I just don't remember their names right now.

3 minutes ago, nashreed said:

 

The point is: the thought of having no one who cares about me, even half as much as Annette, drives me to bouts of depression that are devastating. I just would really rather be dead than face this life alone. Annette was one-of-a-kind, absolutely, but I don't want to be alone. Just to even have a female friend would be ok. I'm tired of living life like a ghost. I feel dead already. I go out into the world and people look right through me. I just can't face it anymore. 

 

Have you tried online dating sites? There are a few for people who are no longer kids. You could do an online search.  My sister's widower found two more women online after my sister died.  He married the first one.  He was 70 at the time.  She died after a few years.  He's currently living with the second one. He's now 84.  He is no prize.  If he can find someone, so can you.  Have you tried taking classes in things that interested you in the past? You could meet someone there.  Brainstorm, see what you can come up with on ways to meet someone.  For example, you could join the Sierra Club and meet others who were interested in saving the environment.  If you are in a group that has similar interests, you would have something to talk about. If I were interested in meeting someone I'd become involved in SOLVE.  They have gatherings of people who in groups  pick up litter.   Or I would join Friends of Oregon.  They are also environmentally concerned.  You could volunteer somewhere doing something that in the past has interested you.

I'm in my 70s.  It's not the same as being the one's 50s.

5 hours ago, kayc said:

https://caltopo.com/map.html?fbclid=IwAR0sGhKH2bDJ754-wJK3v0cVYPumt3UQnjA-0Ik1U12rU2fDOZ9m4XPxCWc#ll=43.79123,-122.38667&z=14&b=f16a&a=modis_mpThis
I'm on Mountain View, up High Prairie, near First Creek.

Thanks.

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Absolutely!  Going through Cedar Creek fire right now...two miles from my road, 93,000 acres.  It's one of the most fearsome things...

So just guessing, you live approximately 80 miles from me by car.  I live on the west side of the Coast Range.  What is the air quality like there now?  I saw on the news last night that the evacuation alert level were low.  Here the air has cleared out.

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I hadn't noticed that, I've been here 17 years, perhaps it was a glitch.

I have a close friend who also has Asperger's, he eats what he wants, I rather doubt it's related to autism but perhaps something James feels.  My sister used to commit "passive suicide" by not taking care of herself, eating all the wrong things (Diabetic, never took her blood sugar, ate pastries, etc) and yes she finally got her wish, she died.

James, you ask about if that can be a form of suicide...yes, but not necessarily always, I'd say the difference being if you are TRYING to commit suicide by not taking care of yourself.  "Taking care of yourself" can be anywhere on the spectrum.  I don't necessarily think everyone has to go to the extreme I have, but for me, I needed to in order to get my Diabetes under control...after 11 years out of control (doing what the "guidelines" are), I knew I needed to take charge and I did.  I do NOT think it's necessarily by following the guidelines though, I think there's a certain willfulness in committing passive suicide...actively seeking it.  My sister sat in her chair since she was retired at age 49 and read, watched tv, talked on the phone, and ate, no exercise, no housekeeping, nothing.  It was not a good "old age," I remember telling her it was going to affect her quality of life, and it did, she had balance problems, took falls, injured herself, landing in the hospital and rehab so many times.  It is hard because I miss her so much and I don't think she thought she had anything to offer, but oh she did!  She was a charmer, a good listener, a storyteller when I was growing up.  In my mind, as a child, I felt she was a fairy!

 

 

 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister.  I miss mine too. Sometimes I just want to call her up and go have lunch with her.  The phone service to the afterlife is sketchy.

5 hours ago, kayc said:

@nashreed
Meditation - Tools for Healing - Grief Healing Discussion Groups
Meditation in Grief
Meditation: Helpful to Those Who GrieveMeditation: Helpful to Those Who Grieve
 

 

Thanks for caring enough to do this. 

5 hours ago, kayc said:

The Five Stages of Grief debunked
The 5 Stages of Grief debunked

This was actually written to the terminal and not the dying. There is no order or set stages we go through although most of us do start with shock in the early days, point being, we are all unique and so are our journeys.  We do seems to have enough commonality to relate to each other on these forums though!  I totally get what you're saying and the grief groups being so far, for me it would have been 60 miles one way and after working/commuting all day, no.  I would not spend any time with my dog or having meals if I did.  After many years I started my own group, locally.

 

Yes, we do share commonality. I find that comforting.  Locally, here people are very different from me.  The town, 2 miles away, is smal, and the folks are not in the same headspace at all.  They never have been.  I can relate to you spending time with your dog.  I sometimes call my cat my dog-cat.  He can be quite attentive.

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Yes.  I realize this too...we had it all.  I'm not interested in looking.

When you've had the best, the rest would never measure up.

10 hours ago, V. R. said:

That's me. Always putting on a brave face in front of everyone and then breaking down when I'm back on my own. I actually prefer my own company now, or with my son and daughter, as I feel even more lonely when I'm among people. Ours isn't loneliness in the sense that we want to be with people, we want our soulmates back! I feel awkward being  in this world without my soulmate, as if just half of me is present, everyone is a complete stranger to me and I don't wish to interact or have any interest to communicate with them, unless it's someone who has also lost a soulmate.  I only feel free to pour out my heartache here on this site, where everyone can relate and understand.

That's exactly where I am.  Thanks for your  input.

On 9/2/2022 at 7:47 PM, Sad_Widower said:

Back the subject line of this thread (really, I mean it this time) today I realized that when I or my soulmate had a birthday, we spent every waking moment together. Our plans were together.  We celebrated everything together.  

However, with other loved ones (even someone such as my son who I love as much as my wife) it’s not like that.  He does his thing, and I patiently wait.  It just show the dynamics of the nuclear family and how your spouse/significant other/soulmate is truly the center of your universe.
No one else can or ever possibly fill that role.  

Yes, our soulmates are the center of our universe.  Mine will never be replaced.  I would never want anyone else, even though I am miserably lonely.  I am lonely for him, not anyone else.  Even when I visit with other people, once they are gone my facade comes off, and I am alone with the exception of his spirit.  His spirit is with me, but that isn't enough.  I want him with me in all ways and for always. So I wait trying to be patient.  It's a learning process.

2 minutes ago, Chocolate said:

My heart and my soul are with you jathas.  It sucks what you've been through.  I joined this site yesterday, so I have not had time to read all the responses to your posts or how you are now.  I felt protected by my husband who died too, even though I never sought protection.  My life is empty without him, like yours is without your husband.  I'm so sorry you are having to go through this so young.

My love to you.

Update.  Just needed to follow this thread.

On 7/18/2022 at 7:57 AM, jathas said:

 I always felt so safe and protected with him and he took such good care of me, and I of him.  He was my entire world and I'm terrified of going on without him.  I have been with him for over half of my life and have NEVER been alone before.  😢

My heart and my soul are with you jathas.  It sucks what you've been through.  I joined this site yesterday, so I have not had time to read all the responses to your posts or how you are now.  I felt protected by my husband who died too, even though I never sought protection.  My life is empty without him, like yours is without your husband.  I'm so sorry you are having to go through this so young.

My love to you.

24 minutes ago, nashreed said:

Thank you. Another reason I would have trepidation about doing meditation is because my family would be completely aghast and against anything "hippie-dippy" in their view. I certainly would have to be doing alone. Annette would have been there for me with something like that, but I have no one now. 

I see you like soft rock. I love me some 70's mellow singer-songwriters. I'm not a big John Denver fan- something about his voice. But Gordon Lightfoot, Jim Croce, Bread.... All awesomeness. But it's not just "mellow" music that I can relax to. I can relax to Heavy Metal if it sounds good. 

I often wonder about my health, and if I don't take care of it, would that be considered a type of suicide. I don't eat great, though my A1C is good. Just what constitutes suicide? I know if I went into kidney failure, I would refuse dialysis- Annette always said she would have too. I just don't want to live that badly, but is that suicide if you refuse something that would prolong your life? I'm scared to death of not being able to be with Annette when I die, certainly much more worried about that than actual dying. 

Why do you care what your family thinks?  Since your family is not there for you, their opinion is irrelevant, as I see it. The meditation I do comes from the east, not from hippies.  John Denver had a beautiful soul.  I got turned onto his music with the song Take Me Home Country Road.  At the time I was unhappily married and living in the big city for the first time.  I wanted sometime to take me home.  I love his song High Calypso which was for the avid conservationalist Jacques-Yves Cousteau.  Gordon Lightfoot was a jerk.  My husband, his first wife and some friends went to his concert in NY.  His wife went home with Gordon and had an ongoing affair with her.  Gordon would call the house and ask for her. Eventually my husband dumped his cheating wife.  I like Jim Croce and Bread.  I never like Heavy Metal or hard rock.  It grates my soul.

I don't think it's suicide to not eat what you don't like.  But I am sure it could be contributing to the way you feel in terms of what you call Autism symptoms.  I'm sure Annette will come to you when you pass.  She loves you.  She will be there for you, guaranteed.  I don't care about actually dying either.  One of the ways I do fear dying is burning to death, since I live in the area of wild fires that can get out of control quickly.  Being dead is not a problem for me. It comes whether we want it to or not.

3 minutes ago, nashreed said:

I don't think I've ever really seriously attempted meditation. I guess I have a lot of PTSD from being a caregiver for my wife. I'm always "on alert" or on edge is more like it- anticipating the worst, even when I'm trying to be aloof. I live with my 86 year old mother and even though she is able bodied and not doing bad, she's having more "senior moments" than I'd like- dropping things, forgetting things, but not to an abnormal degree. I'm just super hyper-aware of everything, and to meditate and to be so relaxed actually scares me. 

I have no musical talent, but I have a decent stereo and listening to music "resets" my brain, so to speak. I have (I suspect) undiagnosed Autism and anxiety, so when listening to music everything has to sound "right". All instruments and sounds in their correct position on the stereo spectrum (I'm hyper aware to the stereo imaging when it's off). I find the most relaxing music for me is the music of my youth: 80's new wave, Paul McCartney, Morrissey. I will listen to anything except Classical and certain pop/boy bands. I can listen to New Age but I Iisten to recording details and sound quality, not to "relax". I have Type 2 Diabetes, but I was like this waaay before I was diagnosed. And I have virtually no patience to meditate. It's really something I should try, but it is hard for someone like me. 

I understand about PTSD because of caring for your wife.  I have some of that relative to caring for my husband.  But for you, you are still living the stress because of caring for your mom.  The reason I suggested guided meditation is that it's easier to do if there is someone there walking you through it, step by step.  As for your Diabetes diagnosis....the medical community lags behind.  I had to go the a naturopath to get my hypoglycemia diagnosed.  They gave me a 6 hour glucose tolerance test.  The medical community just thinks low blood sugar is related to diabetes.  Well, it can turn into diabetes, but it does not have to.  I've controlled mine with diet for nearly 50 years.

I noticed there's a lag time on this site as to when something is posted, the online person is notified and when it arrives in my inbox.  I was notified of your latest post while on here.  I looked for it.  It wasn't there. I had to get off line and then come back a little later to read it.

I like John Denver a lot.  I was upset when he died prematurely.

Hang in.

22 minutes ago, nashreed said:

Wow, Chocolate, that's quite a journey you've been on, spiritually and emotionally. 

I wish I could find more peace, to connect better with nature and the spiritual world- but I can't turn my mind off. Material concerns and anxiety have me feeling like a ghost- a spirit in the material world. 

Have you tried meditation?  It takes practice, but it can help calm the mind.  There are all kinds of meditation videos on YouTube.  You could look up guided meditation.  You could look up mindfulness meditation on YouTube.  Mindfulness involves being in the present moment.  I do some of that. 

We are, after all, spirits living in a material world. So what you are feeling is natural.  I know this is hard, probably one of the hardest things we will ever do.  Don't be too hard on yourself for being where you are.  You say your interest is music.  What kind of music?  Do you play an instrument and/or sing?  The kind of music that works best to calm me is what I call New Age Classical.  Some of the musicians I like best in that genre are Deuter, Phil Coulter, Gheorge Zamfir, Bernward Koch and a number of others. They can soothe the savage mind...at least they soothe mine.  Sometimes when I can't turn off my mind it's because of what I've eaten and when.  I have chronic hypoglycemia - low blood sugar.  I have a heck of a time sleeping because of the blood sugar and my grief.

6 hours ago, kayc said:

@ChocolateI am sorry for your loss...I realize it's been 8 1/2 months, but still it's hard, as your post bore out. I'm glad you and your husband were so close!  Carrying the memories of his love inside my heart will sustain me the rest of my life...I know I was loved and no one can take that away.

I have kids, my son lives 3 hours away, I have the long trip to make to see him and He doesn't have time to sit down with me when I'm there.  My daughter I rarely hear from..  Both my kids very busy, always working.  I figure I'll outlive my puppy, at least that's my goal, I don't want him re-homed or going through trauma.

I'm glad you found this place and hope you continue to come here to read and post, it helps.
 

 

 

Thank you, kayc, for your caring response.  The article you wrote is most insightful.  I attended a grief support group that the hospice place provides, but it was 80 miles round trip once a week and at the time I attended it was emotionally draining rather than helpful.  Once upon a time I trained to be a counselor.  So I know the stages of grief and how it all works.  The hospice social worker came out to see me for a while.  She was a sweet gal.  It helped.  Unfortunately they eliminated that part of her position.  I love where I live.  It's in the mountains.  The wild animals are comforting.  The trees and vegetation are soothing, although the fire danger is high and there's always the chance I may have to bug out.  The social groups I could join are 40 - 60 miles away, one way.  Right now I'm working on how best to proceed.

Yes, adult children get caught up in the own lives.  I remember how it was for me when my dad died.  I know I wasn't there enough for my mom, but I tried to be there all that I could.  Now, I know what she was feeling.  She and Dad had been married 46 years when he died.

Thanks for caring.  My love to you.

13 hours ago, nashreed said:

I am so sorry for your loss. I am intrigued by your statement. How do you know your beloved husband is still with you. I lost my wife over two years ago. The one thing I know is that she is in Heaven. She suffered in pain for twenty years. Aside from a dream visitation and a couple of instances within the first week after she left, I have not felt her at all. I know she's not hanging around- and I'm glad for her. I talk to her every day, but I feel incredibly alone. I wish that she could be here on this plane and in Heaven. I just don't know how it works. 

We've all suffered greatly on this forum. I'm sorry you're here, but glad you're here. It helps to write it out. There is nothing too much for us to handle. We're very caring here. 

James

Thanks so much for your reply.  Twenty years of pain is a long time.  I'm so sorry you feel so alone.  I understand the feeling, although I'm sure you and I experience it in a way unique to each of us.  Intense grief can get in the way of our abilities to feel the one who has passed, with us.  It can block it actually.  I've lost so many I decided to learn to perceive their presences.  Some of it involves freeing our inner limitations that we don't realize that we have.

I know my husband is with me by way of my innate connection to all-that-is, physics-specifically quantum entanglement and string theory, and thoughts and ideas that come to me through myself and others.  The merging of these and other things help me understand/know my husband is still with me.  The things that I have come to believe have developed over the years, starting with nighttime dreams I had as a very young child. I lived in a rural setting.  We didn't have television reception at the time.  We didn't go to movies.  My parents were country hard working country people who took me to church.  Over the years I realized that there was so much more.

By the time I met my husband, I had lost a number of people to death who were important to me, including my father of heart disease and a boyfriend to cancer.  My father would come to me in my dreams. His presence was/is just there.  In some ways I think it's because of the gratitude he has because of the way I helped him and Mom through a horrific tragedy triggered by my brother's violence.  After my boyfriend died I decided it was time to find a deeper level of spirituality that worked for me.  As they say, when the student is ready the teacher will appear. Mine did in the form of several people. None of them agreed about the "truth".  They appeared at different times as I needed them.  I gleaned from each one.  Some of what they believed overlapped.  The seeing of those who no longer have a physical body was one of those overlaps, although each teacher had a unique take on it.

My husband and I found each other at the river.  He was on vacation and fly fishing. I had just quit my job because my boss kept coming on to me.  Otherwise, I would not have been there staring at the water healing myself of my latest loss.  We were instantly comfortable with each other.  We were in our early 40s. (We had both been divorced twice.) There was an inner realization for both of us that we had always known each other.  From that day forward we were together, and our love grew.  We were both writers.  We married, combined our resources and moved to the boonies to follow our bliss.   He wrote a couple of novels and then began a journal about wild turkeys.  I wrote a number of books.  By the time I completed my last one I had lost so many people I began looking into quantum entanglement, as it might possibly relate to the afterlife and other dimensions. I wrote a novel about how the love of two of my characters was quantumly entangled, permanently.  It is said, we are all one.

By the time my husband passed away, thirty-one years after we met, the intertwining of who we were had greatly deepened.

The laws of physics say that nothing is ever lost, it only changes form and substance. My husband had a spiritual essence but he was big into science.  I learned a lot from him and the documentaries we watched.  Right before he passed away he said he would wait for me outside of the doors of heaven.

Once he passed, nothing meant anything to me.  All my motivation to write my books, all my motivation to paint my paintings, everything was gone.  I was destroyed.  I began writing a journal of my thoughts and feelings.  Some of those thoughts were mine. Some of them were his, coming to me as thoughts.  It took some time to figure out what was what, but several of the teachers I mentioned above told me this was possible.  I'm a big skeptic, so it took a while for me to accept it.  Some of the words that come to me are from my dad.  Some are from other deceased loved ones, but mostly they are from my husband, dear soul that he is.  It turns out that in some ways my last work of fiction was to help both him and me understand what was to come.  Our souls are quantumly entangled.

One of the things I did to help myself feel closer to him is to enlarge photos of him, ones where I can see into his soul, the love, the beauty that he is, and place them around the house.  It helps.  It helps with the connection and helps me feel less desperate.  I also get feelings of his presence being with me.  I get brief sensations of his hands being on my shoulders.  I get mental images of him being with me.  This is not dwelling in the past.  This is using our connection to learn and grow into the next level of awareness.  He has become one of my guides, a guardian angel of sorts.

The day before he died these words came to me, "Follow him through the opening door."  This I will do when it comes my time.

I'm afraid there were be no one to take care of my cat when I die.  I have no kids, on purpose.  I paid attention to the Zero Population Growth people.  I'm glad I did.  When my husband died I heard the death rattle...the plastic against plastic sound.  He was in our bed.  I was in bed beside him. He was on oxygen, and I kept it on long after I knew he was dead, just in case I was wrong.  Once he died all the things I'd been interested in before no longer interested me.  He died at the end of January 2022.  I know he is still with me, and I know he is in the next dimension, simultaneously.  We got closer at the end of his life than we had ever been.  All the barriers were gone.  He was in such horrific pain.  I don't want to die like that, in that kind of pain.  There will be no one to help me with what I need.  I know he will be with me as I make the transition to what comes next, but....