Chocolate

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Chocolate, thank you for this thread/post, beautifully put, and I've never heard it quite from this angle before.  Thank you to all who posted music!

You're welcome. Thanks. Thank you, kayc.  I'm a writer by trade and avocation.  So I kind of take things apart and look at them from all kinds of angles and try to find my best course, especially when going through the swamp.

Boho-Soul and V.R. thank you for the lovely songs.  They sure do help.

12 hours ago, nashreed said:

I think about this all the time. I often think I'm too dense or too wracked with guilt for Annette to contact me- and it makes me very upset. 

All I can do is tell her I love her every day, stare at her pictures before going to sleep and hope that she understands me enough to know how hard this is on me. I never ever blame her for leaving. I know that she's not hanging around- she's in Heaven and I hope she's living her best afterlife. No one deserves it more than her. 

Just because she's enjoying heaven doesn't mean she's  not with you too.  Those in the afterlife can do both at the same time.  You need to learn to cherish yourself.  She cherishes you.  You're worth it.

7 minutes ago, MartyT said:

 

Thank you.  This is wonderful.

Have you ever thought about what your beloved one is going through on the other side of the veil?  I know there are the stereotypes of what they are seeing and feeling, but what is it really like for them - without you?  He/She has just arrived in the new place, full of love and positive things, like their other lost loved ones, but...but they are there without the one who is the most special to them, the other part of their soul.  You.  Have you ever considered that they could be just as upset as you are?  Have you?  They would want more than anything for you to be there with them.  They would want to share it with you, immediately.  Trouble is when they come back in spirit to you, they can't even get through. There's a grief block.  They try to come to you in a dream.  They try to talk to you.  There's a wall up.  When you take down the pictures of them, they can't even reach you that way.  Their love is deeper than all understanding.  Please think about this and about tearing down or dissolving the barriers.  There are several country songs that address some of this.  One of them is - Wish You Were Here.   Another is Holes in the Floor of Heaven

.  Another is I Believe - Diamond  Rio   There are a number of others.

Love them.  Love them.  That's what they want most.

Please consider thinking of this from their point of view.  They love you more than you can know.

1 hour ago, Roxi said:

Chocolate that's beautiful!

I hide every photo of him...'cos it's painful see him...! And know that is not here with me anymore...

I don't know if were you that mentioned the book "the year of magical.." joan didion said in it: i'm not ready for the photo on the table!...i'm not ready too, it's trying to  avoid to recognize his death

But you found an amazing way to look at his pictures...how can you avoid the pain ?

 

Thank you.  I can't avoid the pain.  It is ever with me.  It's more painful to not see his beautiful loving eyes.  Your loved one is with you.  You just haven't learned to how to access that.  That's what I'm doing.

I don't know Joan Didon. She didn't know how to access it either. For me this is the best way I can cope.

6 hours ago, kayc said:

This mostly in levels far higher than mine.  Side effects of not enough sleep:  shortened life.
lower dosages of trazodone are effective and may cause less daytime sleepiness and fewer side effects because the drug is short acting.

• Effective treatment for insomnia. A 2017 review of studiesTrusted Source of trazodone use for insomnia found the medication was effective for primary and secondary insomnia in low doses.
• Reduced cost. Trazodone is less expensive than some newer insomnia medicines because it is available generically.
• Not addictive. Compared to other medications, such as the benzodiazepine class of medications like Valium and Xanax, trazodone is not addictive.
• May help prevent age-related mental decline. Trazodone might help improve slow wave sleep. This may slow certain types of age-related mental decline like memory in older adults.
• May be a better choice if you have sleep apnea. Some sleep medications may negatively affect obstructive sleep apnea and sleep arousal. 

I've never had any side effects of Trazodone. 

I never took Estrogen or Progesterone.

 

I don't do drugs.  When the doctor prescribed Lipitor for me, I asked if there were side effects.  He said no. Well, it gave me psoriasis.  I read that the chances of that were rare, but it affect me. To get rid of  that he had to give me something else.  That something else made some of my hair fall out.  Like I've said, I studied this stuff in college.  A drug can interact with other drugs one is taking.  There's a place that lists some of those interactions.  We each have to decide what is right for us, individually, that goes for everything.

6 hours ago, kayc said:

@ChocolateWhat state are you in?
Air quality yesterday: 543

Kodie got to see his play date yesterday, it'd been two weeks!  They had such a good time!

Panther Kitty did not show up last night, he's been with me 5 months, kind of worried.  I kept checking...nothing.  I hope he's okay.

As mentioned in another response to you, I live about 80 miles away to the SW of you.  I'm on the west side of the Oregon Coast range.  I'm protected from some of the intense smoke by the surrounding mountains.

I hope he's okay too.  When the smoke is bad, I do not let my cat out.  When the bobcat is around, I don't let him out either.  It's too dangerous for a number of reasons.

14 hours ago, scba said:

May I ask how do you do this kind of Journaling of addressing them and recognizing them? Your experience sounds very interesting. 

The environment is degrading very fast. Yes. Yet there are people who don't believe in climate change. I'm pessimistic. To tackle that for good would require a brutal change/slash of consumer patterns. It won't happen. 

 

After my husband died I was overrun with all kinds of emotions.  A short time later when I was saying to myself, I hate my life, I can't stand this and how much I needed to see and talk to him, etc, the words came to me, that I figured out were from him. He said to surround myself with pictures of him so I could better feel his presence.  I had a 16X20 print on canvas made from the picture I used for his obituary.  I enlarged a picture of him and me taken 12 years ago.  I made it as large as my printer could handle and put it in a frame on the wall beside my computer desk. That wasn't large enough to suit me.  So I found a place that printed it in a 16X20 and replaced the smaller one. I placed the smaller one on the wall next to my side of the bed.  I printed out the picture of him, that was from the one of him and me, only this time just of him.  That one is lay on the handwritten part of my journal.  I transfer what is on the handwritten one to a journal I keep in my word processing files.  I had painted a couple of pictures of him.  They are on the wall now too.  I went through old pictures and founds others of him taken before I knew him and after I did.  Some of those I still plan to put up.  But for now I have the pictures of him in several places around the house.  I take the one I placed with the handwritten journal with me when I go out of the house.  I keep it and the journal on the rider's seat where he sat when I drove us around.  Neither of of liked to drive so we switched off.

Throughout the day I look at his pictures.  In the large one I have on the wall next to my desk, I can see into his eyes.  The love, the beauty of who he is, shines through.  His eyes follow me.  I feel his presence through it. These pictures help a lot.

Throughout the day I think of him all the time.  It keeps the channel to him open.  We are connected.  Everything is.  We truly are all one.  There is no way it can be otherwise, but with a soulmate/twin flame the connection is stronger.  We just have to realize and accept it.  I've written a book about this, that I am currently trying to find an agent for.  I won't go into that here.

I will think a thought, like, I hate being separated from you, and I state his name sometimes.  What comes back to me in a quiet assured thought is, "We are not separated.  I am with you. Always."  These words come in various forms.  The thoughts that are mine are often jumbled and hurried.  The ones from him are calm, quieter, more mature seeming.

I also do what some would call protection prayers.  I don't consider them prayers, but I draw the protection of the universe, some would call that God, around me.  There are those which I also say to clear and protect me from negative energies and entities.  I learned some of this from a counselor/spiritual lady years back. 

I don't know how this would work for you.  We each have our own beliefs, and I don't want to push mine on anyone.  But it's helping me.

Last night I had a dream with him in it, where we both were away from home in a motel room that had a kitchen.  We were getting ready to leave and go home.  I was cleaning up the dirty dishes.  He was doing other things, but I'm not sure what they were.  I got to thinking, wait a minute, in a motel I don't have to clean things up...we can just go.  I woke up.

Do you need me to explain more?

Okay, so you have a journal.  Good.  What I do when a thought comes regarding this stuff is to start with the date and time.  Then I type Me: and put my thoughts after that.  I wait a minute.  I become aware of a thought that is not mine, I type in his name and place a colon after it and type in the thoughts.  Once in a while it's from my dad.  It takes a little trust.  Sometimes I'm wrong, and I have to correct the name that goes with the thought.  I started doing this kind of thing under the guidance of a woman I was introduced to after my boyfriend died of cancer 33 years ago.  She could actually see the spirit people who showed up.  Another wise woman told me about recording my dreams.  It's a learning process. 

I really don't think we will have to be without them for much longer.  The environment is degrading very quickly, and life on the planet won't be sustainable much longer.  Where I live the severe droughts, in areas that used to have lots of rain, are causing everything to burn.  The sad thing is that we humans caused it.  I feel sorry for the animals.

4 minutes ago, scba said:

Beautiful words. I wish I could communicate better. Or that he could communicate better when I see him in my dreams (average, once each 2 months). When I ask him a question (usually the same Qs) he doesn't reply and I wake up.

Have you thought of doing a journal?  Write down your thoughts addressed to him.  Then wait for what sounds like your thoughts and write those down.  Sometimes those thoughts are from your loved one.  As time goes on you can learn to discern which ones are from him.   My husband died in Jan 2022.  I now have a 185 pg journal.  I rarely dream about him.   I also have large pictures of him around the house so I can look into his loving eyes.  It's also helps. 

On 8/16/2022 at 5:02 AM, Novi said:

I had another STUG (Sudden, Temporary Upsurge of Grief) today and I just wanted to share my experience. 

I like to watch channels on YouTube about supernatural stuff ei: Nuke's Top 5, Slapped Ham etc.. Tonight I put one of these on as I did chores around the house. The first story was some warehouse workers that worked at night time, and one worker caught some strange howling noises on his phone. It was blamed on the lost spirit of a mother looking for her child (there was more to the story but by this point I stopped listening) because the sound that the man recorded was like an instant punch in my gut. I'm a cynic, and I'm not religious so these stories are more for entertainment. I knew the moment I heard the cries that it was an animal in distress, and it sounded exactly like Beck who died over 3 years ago. I have not allowed myself to revisit that day or replay (in my head) the sounds of his cries from the day he died because I know it would be too painful for me, I buried it but today I heard it again. It really rattled me. I miss him so much. 

Our animal friends can touch us as deeply as the humans we love.  I assume Beck was a animal friend/loved one.  I hope your are better now.  My thoughts are with you.

Just now, Chocolate said:

One of the things I've found is that people like to say they will be there, they don't follow through, and they can still believe they are being supportive.  This has been the case for me during every major crisis.  Now, most of those I care about have passed away, one of the problems of getting older.

Could you possibly move back to where you were when your husband passed?  Or would that make things worse?

Oops, I forgot to click the follow button.

On 9/6/2022 at 10:11 AM, Sheemie said:

When my husband passed my family talked me into moving by them, saying oh we are going to help you so much. I have been here all year they almost never call and I asked for help and was crying to my own mother about how I am too depressed to do anything and she said she would come and help me pack to move yet again and the very next day turned her back on me saying she cannot drive that far, it's 100 miles! Then my father calls me screaming at me that they cannot help me that they are busy and further tells me and I quote, "that he wishes people would stop asking him about me because he doesn't give a crap about me". My sister says she might help if I tell everything that I am planning to do as if I know...I flipped out on her. My family is like the worst family. Abusive and only care about themselves. No wonder I had such life. I've been on my own since I was like 8 years.

One of the things I've found is that people like to say they will be there, they don't follow through, and they can still believe they are being supportive.  This has been the case for me during every major crisis.  Now, most of those I care about have passed away, one of the problems of getting older.

Could you possibly move back to where you were when your husband passed?  Or would that make things worse?

12 minutes ago, V. R. said:

I've never considered joining Facebook, it just doesn't appeal to me at all. I'm happy conversing with all of you here on this site, I was always a bit of a 'loner' when I was a teenager/twenties, I was the type that felt uncomfortable being part of a group of friends, I always ended up hardly ever talking, just listening and nodding my head. I always just had one or two good  friends and then when I met my husband, he miraculously helped me gain confidence in myself. Like I've said before, we were everything to each other, didn't really need other friends, we were a team,total togetherness. I just feel now that this better part of me has gone with him and now I'm crumbling, not knowing who I am anymore. 

I understand about all the two of you needed was each other and now you feel that part of you has gone with him. That's where he and I were and where I am now.  We still are part of each other.  What I'm working on is transcending the enormity of the loss, so I can be more in touch with him, so the communication is better, so that I can learn and grow through this.  He is heart of my heart, soul of my soul, mind of my mind. 

3 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

I read somewhere that sarcasm is a passive-aggressive way to avoid confrontation.

I

 

Sarcasm isn't necessarily passive-aggressive.  Sometime a person needs to say it sarcastically, otherwise the other person doesn't hear what needs to be said at all.  It's a very individual response.

41 minutes ago, nashreed said:

I appreciate it. I didn't mean to insult anyone. I'm truly sorry. In real life, I can't make friends, and the grade school friend I had in town has stopped being my friend. I don't know the reason. I just assume it's my personality, and it doesn't help that I have the general demeanor of loss and grief permeating my aura. 

I have nothing if not brutal honesty. Unfortunately, I also have no filter- and I'm afraid that I hurt Annette with words more times than I care to admit. She was sensitive, and I enjoy sarcasm and word games. Annette was so sweet and gullible- I thought it was cute to "fool" her, but I was just cruel. That's one of the reasons I have such a low opinion of myself. I don't think I'm a good person. I'm bitter and very awkward and unable to express any feelings but negative ones now. Most days all I have are interactions mixed with arguing with my ridiculous Facebook "friends" who are Trumpers. 

I have a tendency to be blunt also.  If you feel a negative reaction coming on, as the old timers used to say, bite your tongue.  But it might not be you at all.  We've lived through/are living through a time when hate has been used to manipulate people.  This brought those who like to hate out from under the rocks.  You can learn to overcome what you consider negative in you.  I've certainly been doing that with myself.  Hang in.🙂  Regarding the Facebook arguments I'd suggest not going there.  I don't. It's kind of pointless.

2 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

I don’t take the typical HRT which is both estrogen and progesterone. I was told it’s just estrogen that can cause breast cancer. I only  use progesterone cream which has stabilized my levels and got right of my estrogen dominance symptoms I was experiencing.

Glad your doctor was able to proscribe something that helps you with sleep Kayc.

Progesterone can cause uterine cancer.  The risk is not worth it to me.

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Very smoky the last two days, air quality 508 in Oakridge, up here it's much worse, not breathable.  And cold, had to get out my winter coat.  112,200 acres yesterday morning, don't have an update today yet.  Next Sunday predicting 80!  Wouldn't need A/C for that and since I took mine down it's a good thing.  I hope the days that follow aren't in the 90s.

I gotcha on the rain!  We got some night before last.  Because of the cloud cover the smoke couldn't clear though.

It must be very difficult being there now.  The news says the 90s are over for the year. 

4 hours ago, kayc said:

I understand about carb addiction (sugar), carbs feed the cravings, only way to break the cycle is cut the carbs.

Oops, I answered this on your other post.

4 hours ago, kayc said:

After years of going without sleep, I finally got help from the doctor, am so glad I did! Trazodone 50 mg 1/2 hour before bedtime.  I still wake up to pee but most of the time get back to sleep afterwards.  Also a Benedryl helps.  (I have allergies)

Thanks for the suggestion.  The chemical balance in the brain is critical.  I studied all this stuff in college and the imbalance created by too many conflicting prescription drugs.  I looked up the side effects for Trazodone according to the Mayo Clinic.  Not good.   I tried Benedryl.  It has bad side effects for me.  My brother committed his crimes because he was taking too many drugs prescribed by doctors.  I'd rather deal with the lack of sleep. As for the issues with carbs, I dealt with that years ago as mentioned in the post.  I took allergy tests with revealed I'm actually allergic to vegetables with too many carbs.  One has to find balance in all things.

6 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Oops, I shouldn’t have assumed it was pain. It must be so hard, I wish you didn’t have to deal with that. I had fluctuations with my hormones when I was peri-menopausal, my Dr prescribed progesterone cream, calmed me right down and helped me with my sleep. I’m still on it, maybe it’s why I sleep ok now.

That’s quite the story about chocolate. Glad you triumphed over the addiction fix. I’m a bit of a chocolate snob, I only like dark chocolate. Milk chocolate is like candy to me and I don’t like candy. And white chocolate isn’t chocolate to me, lol

I took hormone replacement until it gave my sister breast cancer and killed her, literally.  I stopped taking it when she got the cancer.  My peri-menopause started 30 years ago.  My hormones still fluctuate.  It's just how it is.  Candy spikes the sugar levels and then drops them suddenly.  Many alcoholics have the same issues, only they do alcohol...the sugar in the alcohol.  For me the candy is a bodily craving to fix the fluctuating sugar levels, except it makes it worse.  White chocolate really isn't chocolate.

1 minute ago, Boho-Soul said:

Ooh, I can see how that would make sleeping harder if pain is keeping you up. Seriously, if I had magic fairy dust for sleep I’d send it to you. By the way, I’ve been meaning to tell you that I like your username 😊 

It's not pain.  It's chronic hypoglycemia, mixed with fluctuating hormones, what I eat, when I eat it, high blood pressure medication, etc.  All of these things work together to hype me up. Even talking to people earlier in the day can set off the hypoglycemia and keep me from sleeping that night.  Thanks about the user name.  It has significance.  Years ago when I was with my second husband and he emotionally abandoned me after what my brother did, I would eat 3/4ths of a pound of M&Ms in 15 minutes to reward myself for not having an affair with an emotionally supportive man.  I love chocolate.  I had to break myself of the chocolate fix like an alcoholic breaks themselves of drinking booze.

20 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Ya, I don't have a problem sleeping, especially in the last 20 some months. Sometimes I sleep too much, I just have an energy crash and have to nap. Think my body still needs extra sleep to heal. I also do guided meditations before bed to help sooth my nervous system. There's so many on YouTube. I also listen to neural retraining visualizations that are great too. They're sensory rich, it's like a 10 minute vacation. Oh, and I sometimes listen to yoga nidra body scan videos, they're really great for drifting off to sleep.

I wish I could sprinkle magic fairy dust on all that need a good night sleep ✨ 

The more I do before I go to sleep, the less I sleep, even if that stuff is meditation, visualization and yoga. I've tried it all for years.  Yes, the body needs rest to heal, but with mine it's strictly physical.  I have a number of physical issues that work together to keep me from sleeping. 

4 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Not sure I'm handling the loneliness well. Last winter I did puzzles, colored adult coloring books and watched way to much Netflix. That got boring and I haven't done that in months though. It didn't fill the loneliness and want of an emotional connection with someone. I can occupy myself with activities, hang out with friends, sleep - none of those things fill the emptiness due to the lack of deep emotional connection. So basically I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

Yours is the kind of response I thought I'd get to the post.  At least you can sleep.  I have a heck of a time sleeping.  It's been a problem since menopause began 30 years ago.  It's just the the house is so empty without him.  He filled up all the nooks and crannies in ways I didn't realize he was filling it.  I even got myself a 5 foot teddy bear and put it in his easy chair, so I could watch the television and not see an empty chair.  It's now on the loveseat along with another couple of smaller bears. 

One of the things I noticed immediately was how the house echoed with emptiness.  After the funeral home took him away, and no one was here, it felt hollow, empty, forsaken.  I'm afraid I didn't do a good job of figuring out how to handle it. There were so many things that had to be done.  I made a list and started doing the tasks one by one, while my spirit was on empty or better yet in a deficit.  Nearly eight months later it's still empty.  Can you tell me what helps you?