Chocolate

3 minutes ago, nashreed said:

 

I keep meaning to maybe start attending a church, if only for some kind of connection- but I'm afraid that encountering an entire congregation all at once would be overwhelming. I keep thinking of finding some kind of support group, but to put myself out there, to tell my whole story to strangers- is that the way to go about it? I also am needing to prioritize my physical health. I found out recently I have rather pronounced osteoarthritis, and I was recommended physical therapy, so I will have to see what that madness will entail. I'm so friggin out of shape, it's scary. 

 

If you go to a group like church, you don't have to tell them your whole story all at once.  You don't have to tell them anything.  It puts me in mind of the story of little Albert I read about in a psych class in college. He was afraid of soft furry things.  So the psychologist introduced him to a bunny, a little at a time.  At first the bunny was clear across the room where Albert could barely see it.  Over a period of time the bunny was brought closer and closer and eventually Albert was hugging the bunny.  The old saying goes, "All things in moderation."  If you don't know how to swim you don't jump into a deep pond and sink to the bottom.  You walk along the shallow edge edge at first.  Little at a time we can learn to overcome.

13 minutes ago, Sheemie said:

Thanks, I am an hour from normal sized city. I am 43. My lease ends 12.31 and I'm in MN. Cold is already here. Come spring I'm planning on moving into a camper until I find home. I went to a Presbyterian church when my husband passed. I am not Presbyterian but raised catholic and the people at this new church were so kind, nice, and supportive of me. I just really want another person to talk to, in person, not online.

Do you attend services at this new church?  Have you talked to the pastor and asked for suggestions?  Maybe making and appointment with him/her is a start.  Tell the pastor how kind everyone was there and how welcome you felt.  I'd try that if I were you and see where it leads.  Maybe open up to the pastor.

6 minutes ago, Sheemie said:

For the first 6 months or so that was all I wanted to do. Unfortunately he is not there and back to the future is not possible. My stepchildren always forced us to move. Just horrible all around. Now I feel trapped and stuck in a lease in a place I never would have been, which is my families fault becausethey lied that they will help me when in fact they just want to gossip about me to there communities who also have no concern for me in this broken world. I need to buy a home but how do I when I've no idea where I want to go and I lost the only person who ever loved me and the rest of the world would as soon see me dead too. Trapped is all I feel and alone.

I'm so sorry they suck.  Lying to a grief stricken person about being supportive is despicable. How much longer is there on the lease?  Have you looked online for support groups near you?  Since you still have parents, is it correct to think that you are not a senior citizen? For me, if it wasn't so far I'd trying a spiritual group who was into being loving and supportive, but would not try to convert me.  There is one, but it's 60 miles, one way, and in the winter I would be driving home in the dark.  So I work on myself here, where I am. I don't know what your answers are, but I know there are some. Feeling his love with you now is a start.  He's trying to get through.

33 minutes ago, MartyT said:

Some useful resources included in this article: Coping with Dreams in Grief

Thank you.

2 hours ago, Roxi said:

I wish to dream him explains some capital things to me...but never happened! When i dream of him, he's acting as in life...take care of me or make me worry! Sometimes make me laugh...and it's a relief laugh with him again...it's the thing i miss most of our life together!

That is special.  I long to have dreams like that.

2 hours ago, scba said:

I have had quite the same dream. 

He is still with you.

4 hours ago, kayc said:

It's all a mystification to me, I don't dream of George, not that I can remember anyway, but then I usually don't recall them.  Here's an article (hasn't worked for me but maybe it wiill for you!) 
Dream, How To Control Your (While You're Sleeping) | HuffPost
Dreams control
control your dreams? Here's how you can -- ScienceDaily

Thank you.

9 hours ago, V. R. said:

I've had a few dreams about my husband. Once he had come back telling me that it had all been a big mistake, he hadn't really gone. Then he said how sorry he was for having caused so much heartache for me, for nothing, I then remember we hugged tightly relieved that he was really still alive. 

Another time I had one of those dreams that I call 'awake dreams'. It was morning and I had just woken up, I'm sure of this as I could see the daylight.  Then suddenly I saw him next to me on the bed, I was getting up and he was just looking at me, not saying anything. Then I went towards the door as I wanted to call my children to come and see. At that moment he appeared again outside the door, again not saying a word. Then I woke up. I also dreamed of him last night but don't remember what happened. 

This is powerful.  He really came to you.  It also demonstrates he is still with you.

4 hours ago, kayc said:

No, it's not too hard for her.  We're just having private spreading of ashes, immediate family and one friend.  Bottom line is my sister is too busy having fun to take time out to do it.  It's my other sister and I that are hit hard and were close to her.

Apparently she has a lack of soul connection.  That's sad.  I'm glad you decided to go ahead with the spreading of the ashes.  Where have you decided to do that?

All of these songs, even in repeat, are touching.  I thank everyone for contributing what touches you the most.  It helps.

4 hours ago, nashreed said:

It makes me so sad to think Annette might be trying to send messages that I can't get. I often think of what she could possibly send me within my very limited little world that would be meaningful. I have seen feathers (which are supposed to be a generic catch-all "sign") on occasion, and white or gray feathers aren't common because the main birds we have around here are little brown birds. The ultimate sign would be to see a Cardinal, our bird, but that's absolutely impossible in California. I did see an Uno card in the grass here, with a cut corner, which is odd. I can't imagine the Mexican neighbors around here are into Uno much, but I really don't know. It was our game, when she wasn't able to do much physically anymore. 

I wish I could dream of her, but lately in my dreams I seem to be trying to get with much younger girls with no relation to her (in my dreams I'm younger too- invariably they're "work" dreams from when I worked in retail in the 2000's). 

I think the more we worry about the dreams, the more difficult it is to receive them.  It's possible that you have been dreaming about trying to get with younger women, because you are lonely.  I think you dreaming that is normal. 

5 hours ago, scba said:

In my dreams he doesn't say a word too. Strange coincidence... 

Dreams come as they do.  I don't have any control over what comes in mine.  There is such a things as lucid dreaming, but I've rarely experienced it.  It's been a long time.

5 hours ago, Roxi said:

 

Chocolate very good point...maybe it's why he did not say a word in my dreams ! I don't believe enough that there be a connection...thank you for let me know that!

 

Roxi, those who deeply love are always connected.  The only problem is our doubts.  We can overcome them.

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I feel the opposite...when my sister died, 3/28/22, the county took her in to a mortuary (family didn't get to choose so it cost more than twice as much as her husband did a year before).  My brother picked up her ashes and I have her husband's.  We wanted to scatter them at the local park (their choosing) but my other sister was getting ready to go to Europe in May so wanted to wait until she got back.  When she got back, she was too busy with coffee dates, etc. and decided she wanted to wait until her birthday in a year (one had already passed) in mid-April.  (Last year I had 4 ft. of snow then but she poo-pooed that when I told her.)  So we are waiting.  To me it showed disrespect to wait so long as if it is of no significance.  JMO  It's like it's taking back seat to all of HER plans!

And I don't see the honoring in this.

I get that different people have differing feelings about this.  But it seems everything is a social event to her and I'm not feeling good about this even though it's now several months away.  Polly and I were closest to Peggy, I helped take care of her, living here in town with her (she was disabled and had dementia) whereas Julie was someone who saw her on her birthday once a year.

Maybe it's just too hard for her to deal with it.  Maybe it makes it too real for her.  I can see how not having a funeral when one is not allowed to could be very hard.  So many people died of Covid after going to funerals.  At the time of a death the bad family feelings can be front and center.

My husband's ashes are on the hearth beside my desk in a special urn.  I didn't realize they would be as heavy as they are.  When I die my nephew has agreed to mix our ashes and scatter them together over our pet cemetery on our property.  This is in honor of his wishes.

5 hours ago, kayc said:

My experience bears this out.  I am off statins and my cholesterol improved with change of diet...not statins.  My triglycerides and HDL, the two important factors, are in exceptional range now, and my IR is better than ever..

It sure is a matter of trial and error.  I'm so glad that worked for you.

10 hours ago, V. R. said:

Wonderful and  beautifully sung. I'm watching this video staring at my husband's guitar in my lounge, trying to stop myself from breaking down. He would have loved this one, I'm sure. 

It is hard to see a guitar sitting there.  My husband's guitar is sitting in the den.  I moved it to the bedroom so it would be next to me at night, but that didn't work.  I put it back to where it was when he was alive. He had a boy ban when he was a kid. 

Kieron, this a touching contribution.  Thank you.  I was thinking today that my husband is my home.  So to get back home I will join him when the highest way presents itself.

I've been to so many funeral that they became horrible to endure.  People would say, now if I can just get through the funeral, and I thought, then why have one?  When my husband died there was no funeral, on purpose. We had discussed it.  There wouldn't have been one even without Covid.  I understand that rituals can help, but they can also prove to be hard to endure.

On 4/6/2021 at 5:41 AM, kayc said:

It's hard when you don't get the answers you want.  I am very sorry you and your family went through this.  I can only suggest seeing a grief counselor, who may be able to help you come to terms with it, barring the answers you'd like.  I lost my nephew at 3 and niece before she was two, I know it's hard. 

 

On 4/5/2021 at 4:14 PM, Cailte50 said:

Do people think that my baby sister had a nurse with her,at the end? I know nurses are angels and I pray someone was comforting her,I would give anything to know who was with her.

 

Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

 I would think someone was with her constantly.

On 7/28/2021 at 1:04 PM, CathyG said:

I have had days where every time I see my sisters picture, or think of her I cry, today was especially hard for me. I was on the treadmill and for some reason I couldn't get her out of my mind, and just started crying uncontrollable while I was walking on the treadmill.. I kept up my pace and did 30 minutes, but my tears kept coming for some reason. Most days I am okay with everything, but just out of the blue, the memories flood my head and the tears come very easily.  My faith keeps me grounded, plus my loving husband also..

How completely sad for you.  Do you feel her with you?

On 9/2/2022 at 2:25 PM, tia said:

I lost my little brother in December of 2022. 9 days before his birthday, 7 days before I got to see him.

I left my hometown in May of 2022. I went back in November to finish packing up. I got to see him. Spend time with him. Laugh with him. Bother him. We knew this was hard on both of us so we asked our mom if he could come visit me on his winter break and they agreed! A cross country trip all by himself! He had the tickets, we all had the plans and the hotel to pick him up.

I was supposed to see him. He was supposed to be at my house. He was supposed to stay with me. He was supposed to celebrate his 16^th birthday with me. He was supposed to open my Christmas present I bought for him. He was supposed to celebrate my 24^th birthday with me. He was supposed to be with me for 3 weeks.

7 f****** days. 7 more days. 1 week before I see him and he disappears. Is completely gone and I never get to see him again. He didn’t get to turn 16. He didn’t get to open his Christmas presents.

I feel so angry. I’m so mad at him for making a silly mistake. I’m so mad at the creator for taking him. I’m so mad that I left him.

I am so sorry.  What a hole the loss of a dear sibling leaves.  Did you file a missing person's report? Anger is a natural response.   It's been 17 years since my sister died.  I keep thinking I should be able to call her and go see her.  It sucks that I can't'.

1 minute ago, nashreed said:

I don't really listen to Country music all that much, and really don't like modern Country, but I stumbled upon a Country song by Carly Pearce called "Show Me Around" that's sweet and fits this thread (sorry, I don't really know how to do links on here either). 

The hardest part of living is knowing my soulmate is not on this earth with me. Even people who haven't met their soulmate yet have the chance to still meet them. I have no hope for a future when who I'm meant to be with is gone. 

I don't listen to modern country either.  Some of it is just noise, like most rock is these days.  I like ballads with a melody and gentle rhythm. I put up a song I like on Pandora and either with the song or the artist, I create a station.  Last night I created a station from MartyT's song To Where You Are.  It brought in a whole bunch of songs that touched me deeply. 

I don't feel like I have a future either.  That's why I am working to deepen my connection with him.  If you think you can't do something. you can't.  Remember the story of The Little Engine That Could?  The engine made it over the mountain by saying to itself, I think I can.  And once it made it, it said I thought I could.  You can actually find it on YouTube.

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I didn't when I had regular cats, but this is a feral I started feeding and not like other cats.

He was out on the patio before bedtime.  He seems to know how to take care of himself except as he continues to age I wonder how that will go.  

I think a little farther than 80 miles if at the coast...I'm actually up the mountain from Oakridge...75 miles from a friend in NW Eugene.  2 miles from the edge of the fire to my dead end road.

We get cougars and bears down in the yard, a ways from the patio, which is up a 40' ramp, and he's 30' from that on the far end of the patio.  He knows how to get gone quickly and heads for some nearby bushes that are taller than the house.  

I so worry about how the animals are breathing in the smoke.

I actually looked up the mileage between where you are and where I am.  It said it was 82 miles.  A person can get to Oakridge from here without going all the way to Eugene.

10 hours ago, V. R. said:

I do that too, apart from a couple of photos l've placed in my bedroom and my childrens' rooms, I just don't understand why I can't look at them,. I just break down and start screaming. I often go through my photo gallery on my mobile, intending to stop at my husbands' ones and have a good look, but then I suddenly realise I cannot do it! ("è più forte di me" , as we say here, which translated means something like: "I can't help it", or "an uncontrollable reaction"? 

It's probably due to the simple fact that I won't accept that he's gone. 

Acceptance is a biggy.  Even though I was with him all night after he died, it's still hard to accept.   I've dedicated a couple of weeks at different times working on acceptance.  Sometime I still wake and say, "You're still dead," as I look over at the last place I saw him alive - in bed beside me.

You have to do it the way that is right for you.  Each of us does.  The nice thing about this forum is that there are people here who have different takes on things.  As we share them it can help us all.

5 hours ago, kayc said:

David Diamond on Deception in Cholesterol Research: Separating Truth From Profitable Fiction - YouTube

Dr. Paul Mason - 'Why your doctor thinks cholesterol is bad - Big Pharma deception' - YouTube

 

 

There are so many ways to look at al this.