Chocolate

4 hours ago, nashreed said:

I wish that I could just feel connected to anything. I miss the conversations we used to have. We talked about anything- the news, her dreams, her feelings... My family only talks about TV and news in the simplest, superficial way. I know exactly what they're going to say before they say it. Annette could always surprise me. I guess I'm starved for attention. What I wouldn't give for even a friend to text with. I feel so abandoned. I used to get dirty spam texts- I don't even get those anymore. C'mon.

To connect with her, I ordered up her hospital records from her last stay there, and I slowly go through them, just happy to see any little new bit of new information about her. Reading the nurses notes about how apologetic she was about not finishing her lunch or something. I just don't want her to see me in terrible grief down here, although I feel it in me. I want her to be happy and at peace and not worry about me. 

My thought is that she is embracing you in her love.

1 hour ago, Minerva said:

I just lost him four days ago and I am having to avoid certain areas of the house where he spent most of his time, like the living room and even the kitchen. He should be there, and he's not, and I dread being there without him. We shared two dogs and two cats and they have become my reason for getting up in the morning. 

Things are still very raw for you.  I'm so sorry for your horrendous loss.  When you are ready to share, know that you can tell us how it happened and why.  Do you have any family who is helping you?  I had to do it all alone.  There are parts of my house I still want to avoid too.  I got myself a huge teddy bear to sit in my husband's easy chair in front of the tv so I didn't have to see his empty chair. 

Dear heart, know that we care and understand the emptiness you are feeling.  Also know he is still with you.  Yes, he is.  It's just his physical presence that is gone.

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Not sure how "normal" this place is, sure doesn't feel it lately, yesterdays air quality over 800 and them telling us to expect this until November, it's been two months already (dead end road 2 miles from Cedar Creek Fire, burning 14,200 acres).  Constant threat.

800, wow, how horrible.  I assume for the fire to go out, it will have to be the rain that does it, and who know how much you/we will get and when.  I assume the smoke will kill all the wildlife.

32 minutes ago, Roxi said:

I agree...in the first times you are afraid to lose him if you are not grieving painfully for him...but then you luckily understand that is not your pain that determine your love or you connections to him...and that kind of terrible suffer is a torture that no loved ones wish you to come trough! The pain is inevitable...we lose our soulmate! But be able to get rid from hopeless sorrow is a huge step on your road to heal...for me it was and it's a relief think at him miss him without break me in two...

I feel all of the above that you are talking about.  I am glad I have the opportunity to grow through this and all it brings.  On the other hand I am still experiencing all of the five stages of grief, and yes, for me they are all real. 

4 hours ago, kayc said:

No, that makes perfect sense, this is common feeling in early (first few years) grief.  But I made a conscious effort to let go of that thinking.

What I'm talking about is the fear of losing the connection.  It is an emotional reaction, not a logical one.  There are all kinds of ways my mind, heart and soul considers this.

12 hours ago, nashreed said:

I'm afraid to let go of the guilt definitely, because that is sometimes the only connection I feel to Annette. 

She suffered for so long, and so I don't feel bad for her. I'm happy for her. I know she's in a better place. She was always a hard worker, with a strong work ethic, and it makes me smile inside thinking of her helping new souls navigate Heaven. I know she's happy. 

I don't know that I ever properly processed my grief. I had the focus of having to move within a month or so. I just carried on and repressed my feelings -as my family does. I actually wish I had that ache in my heart, that deep pain.... But it's just emptiness and loss. I don't know that I can feel love and loss deeply anymore, not until I'm with her again. 

Since the guilt helps you feel the connection, it's understandable you hold on to it.  To me deep pain, the ache and the loss are all part of the same thing.  I'm happy for my husband too, but....

3 minutes ago, scba said:

It makes complete sense.

At the same time it is a battle that is lost. That is the result of time passing. Nothing else. I write this with a heavy heart. 

They drift away cause they have changed their substance. 

Actually, it's not a matter of them drifting away.  At least it's not for me and my dear one. For each couple it is unique. 

In someways are you afraid to let go of the ache and the pain because you are afraid you will lose the connection to the dearest one in your heart, like it might let somehow let them drift further away? I know in some ways that might not make sense, but....  How do you feel about this?

4 hours ago, kayc said:

???

All this means is that I said was I was going to say, wanted to follow the thread, but forgot to click the follow button.

On 9/21/2022 at 1:30 PM, Leylaa said:

I wasn't expecting to fall pregnant, but I did. I didn't have a choice, I got forced into having it but then I was attacked and I had complications which then affected the pregnancy, about 2 weeks after the attack I got really bad pain and bleeding got rushed to hospital and had a miscarriage. I hate him for abusing me. I'm glad he's in jail but I lost my little one. When I found out I was pregnant I knew I had to live for this baby, I had to pull my **** together and stay alive to cherish and care for my daughter. But now, I'm broken.

nothing is working with being supported through this difficult time for me. Its like I'm in a ball of he'll that isn't coping we'll. I miss her, I cuddle her Teddy bear me and my ex partner got her for when she was born, I love you Lillya

Leylaa, I can't say I know what it's like for you, but I know that miscarriage is devastating and miscarriage because of abuse has to be horrendous.  Dear heart, know my heart is with you.

kayc, I'm so sorry you experienced this tragic loss.  So very sorry you grieved alone. 

Forgot to click follow this.

Could you take them to small claims court?  I know that's probably emotional energy you don't have, but.... I'm so sorry you have to go through all this.  It's just not right.

This site has a free dating arm for those who are over 50 and interested in dating.  This site is Buzz50  Here's the link:https://buzz50.co.uk/?utm_source=com&utm_medium=menu&utm_campaign=top-menu  I mentioned it in a previous post.

Just now, Chocolate said:

I'm glad he made it back.  I live in a rural setting two mile out from a small community.  If I mention the name of it, then that will inhibit me from being open here.  It's in the Oregon Coast Range, as I've mentioned several times.  I have lived in several different parts of the state.  None of them were communities. 

Oops, I meant small town, not community.

3 hours ago, kayc said:

No, he was only gone one day, not five.  Yes he showed up again and I had to discontinue ear treatments.  His ear is all crusted over because he's been scratching.  I have to hope the 8 days or so I treated them were enough, he won't let me clean them thoroughly.  The air quality remains beyond hazardous, has not changed.

Oregon is a state, not a community, but where I live is a community, it's one of the reasons I live here, the other is the beauty.  Not to mention 45 years of memories...  Where do you live?

I'm glad he made it back.  I live in a rural setting two mile out from a small community.  If I mention the name of it, then that will inhibit me from being open here.  It's in the Oregon Coast Range, as I've mentioned several times.  I have lived in several different parts of the state.  None of them were communities. 

46 minutes ago, Sheemie said:

I need to find Oregon, a community.

I've lived my entire life in Oregon.  It is not a community.  If a person finds it here, they are lucky.  The church I attended as a kid did not practice love.  It practiced condemnation.  That condemnation led my brother to believe that no matter what he did he would be damned to hell.  In 1980 near a small town he shot and killed four of his neighbors.  Two of those people we had attended church with when we were kids.  What he did destroyed my loving parents.  It destroyed everyone impacted by the killings, the victims on both sides.

There are good people and heartless people here like there are everywhere.  The community where I live now is only caring if the person believes just like they do.  Otherwise, like my current neighbor lady said, "If we must fight, we fight." So, I make sure I do not rile her up.  Violence solves nothing.

The answers you seek begin within yourself.  For each of us the answers begin within ourselves.

7 minutes ago, kayc said:

I've been feeding him and we've been affectionate for several months now.

So he showed up again?  The other day you said he had been gone for 5 days during the heavy smoke.

2 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

My husband was my best friend for decades.  The loss of that has been devastating.  The 8 years and more to come make me want to hurry the process.  I’m not the me I was and can’t be with a critical part missing.  It won’t come back. So I’m in a world that has no true meaning.  Not fulfilling ones, anyway.  I go thru the motions.  I’m also disabled now.  I helped him thru through his final years.   I lost that job too.  We made those into the best times possible.  Now I have essentially strangers.  love  him so much but carry an anger as well.  I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again.  I don’t have that kind  of faith.  Can’t force that.  All I know is I don’t want to be here without him.  

I'm so sorry its so hard for you.  A person can make a decision to believe they will see the loved one again.  That's what I did.  It helps.  Otherwise I would have no hope.  I can choose between misery and hope.  I choose hope, every time.

32 minutes ago, nashreed said:

Thanks. My Mom is "no pets", no way. It's a lonely life. It took so long to get to where my relationship with Annette was- completely understanding each other, having the same pop culture references, being so in love and being best friends. There's no way to even get anywhere close to that, so it makes me not even want to attempt to meet anyone. Again, the only people that are easily accessible around here are homeless and mentally unstable. Do they have "find a friend" apps or is that all just for "romance"? It's just easier to be alone isn't it. 

Your mom is missing out on a lot.  In general both my husband and I believed it was better to be alone than with just anyone.  I don't know about apps.  I'm the wrong generation for that.  I'd like to find some women to be friends with, but around here everyone is very conservative, and I'm not.  I'm glad you and Annette were/are best friends. Very few people have that in their intimate relationships. My husband was my best friend too. We had each other's backs.

10 minutes ago, Chocolate said:

She loves you just the way her are, so does the universe or whatever you call the higher ways. 

Oops.  "just the way her are" should be, just the way you are.

46 minutes ago, nashreed said:

Every morning when I talk to Annette, I seem to apologize to her when my mind wanders and I stop talking. It's hard to maintain a monologue when you're the only one talking. I try to express what my thoughts are so that she knows what my intent is or why I do what I do during the day (which is usually not much). I hope she can't read my mind- I don't see how that would be possible. If we were both spirits than yes, that would be how it works, but I think I have to talk out loud to her. I just have to have that connection, however tenuous. 

I don't know that I could ever be on the level of "saint" that Annette was. I don't really try. I don't hurt anyone, I mean all I have are two family members. I just don't have it in me to volunteer or be a missionary or whatever. I'm selfish and lazy- I know this. I can't handle the pressure of thinking I need to "earn" my way to be with her. Aren't I suffering enough now? I can only be who I am. The more I'm with my family, the more inward and selfish and self-centered I become. I hope Annette understands. 

You don't have to earn your way to be with her.  That's not my understanding.  Real love is unconditional.  What if while you are talking out loud to her, you write what you are saying down?  When the next thoughts come, they could be from her.  Assign them to her. Write those down too.  Then you respond aloud and on paper or on the computer and save the file.  Over time you will be able to see which ones are from her and which ones are from you.  Don't judge it.  You need to stop judging yourself as inadequate.  You aren't.  She loves you just the way her are, so does the universe or whatever you call the higher ways.  Some call that God.  Have you ever thought of getting a dog or a cat?  They can provide a tremendous amount of support.  You don't have to get a baby animal.  You can get a rescue animal that needs a home. My old cat keeps me sane.  Love, the real unconditional kind, is the answer no matter what the question. 

As time goes by and we experience things our beliefs adapt.

5 hours ago, kayc said:

 

5 hours ago, kayc said:

 But he rubs on me now and comes for his food when he's feeling it.  He is friendly with Kodie but I also know if turned loose together he could get his eyes scratched out if he made the wrong move.  But we have come a long ways!

 Positive reinforcement helps...leaving food for the cat.  Little Albert loved ice cream, so every time they brought in the bunny, they gave Albert ice cream.  That way he began associating the bunny with something he loved.

5 minutes ago, Sad_Widower said:

I love your line of thinking Chocolate. I have not read much of your story but will do a search to understand what your experience has been as I feel we have a lot in common  🙂  Being able to communicate with people such as yourself and others on this forum (who all share the same type of loss) is a beautiful thing and has helped me tremendously   (For the first 18 months after my wife’s passing I literally dropped out of life due to not having anyone to communicate with.)  

 

 

Yes it is nice to be able to have someone to communicate with, someone who does not think a person is crazy or.....   It does seem like we have a bunch in common.  So many times in the last 8 months since my husband died such a painful death, I have felt completely lost, and by lost, I don't mean the way religious people think of "lost".  Hang in there my friend, you will find the way to prepare yourself to be with her, the way that is right for the two of you.  The higher part of who you are is helping you discover what you already know.

Sad_Widower, I'm so glad the thread has helped.  What you have written here is confirmation of the beauty of the love the two of you share.  As you prepare to fulfill your love and do the things you long to do to be ready when the time is right to be with her, know that she is loving you just as much.  Bless you.

What's been coming to me lately are three words: Transcend, Transform and Ascend.  This is my path to be with my dear husband.  What came to me today is the realization of why I am still here.  I thought if my husband passed before I did, I would continue pursuing my writing and painting careers.  They were so important to me.  Once he passed they they meant nothing to me.  Nothing.  His love is most important to me.  I then realized that love is the most important thing in the universe.  In fact today I realized that love is the cosmological constant.  Einstein just didn't know it.  For those who are unfamiliar with this term, the cosmological constant is an enigmatic form of matter or energy that supposedly acts in opposition to gravity and is considered by many physicists to be equivalent to dark energy.  Dark just means we don't know what it is.  It came to me today that love is the energy that hold the cosmos together.  During this period of my life I am becoming love.  So is my husband.