Chocolate

1 hour ago, nashreed said:

True. You're all I have, good folks. Of course, you can't hug in cyberspace. It's connection, but still impersonal, in a way. I suppose if you actually knew me in real life, you all would leave me too. 

Yes, it is impersonal.  A virtual hug is not the same.  But at least we know that there are other good people out there.  Now, I would just like to find others of like mind that I can spend a little time with off and on.  Most of the people I knew like that before have passed away. 

4 minutes ago, nashreed said:

Very, very spot on. That's what's missing in my life- empathy. Annette was the best listener. She was always there for her sister and father. She always listened to them, but they never seemed to ask about how she was. People are selfish. 

Most of you here have some friends, community, and/or children (for better or worse). I have a mother and brother who have no empathy whatsoever. How do I spend the rest of my life with no one that cares? I can't even keep one lousy friend? It's really hard to see the point of living. 

You find them here, in places like this.  There are some really good people here. 

40 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Yes, when nothing is said you feel even more isolated. Even if they said, "I don't even know what to say, but I'm glad you told me," then I'd feel heard. But rarely will a response makes something better. What makes something better is connection. That's the difference between sympathy and empathy.

 

Gwenivere, yes when someone is the center of your world for 30 years, the void can't be filled with someone else.  My husband was with me for 31.

Boho-Soul, I hear you about sympathy, empathy and just being heard.

Some people say to just give it to God, and then they don't contact you again.  If they believe in God, then they know that that God does not have skin we can touch, so that would make people God's skin and if a person needs a hug, then it has to be a person who does it.  I believe in all-that-is, and all-that-is has a lot of skin, and could hug me if it was sentient and aware.

Sad_Widower,

I can see why you are so upset with your family, after you've given them so much.  From my experiences during the worst tragedies of my life, I think people tend to shy away from others in the others' time of need. The more religious the person was, the less likely they were to bother with me.

If you break down the word therapist you have - the rapist.  My late husband pointed that out to me.  At one time I did have a therapist I thought was a good one when I was experiencing a previous loss.  Trouble was at one point she thought I was coming on to her husband. For crying out loud, I had just lost my boyfriend to cancer.  Her husband was acting like a brother to me and I was grateful to have a brother.  She "knew" she was right.  She ended the therapy sessions.  She betrayed me.

Doctors in general aren't any better.  Most of them are not schooled in positive bedside manner.  If you want to talk, I'm willing to listen.  Is there a private message component to this site?

Take care, dear heart.  You are a good soul.  Know that.

Nope.  When you've had the best, the rest won't do.

At least it was a peaceful death.  So many have it so much worse.  It would be hard for me if the death of my loved ones was so public. 

On 8/20/2022 at 7:24 AM, kevin said:

Gwen, September 17th is date, arranged a small community hall.....Trying to keep it to family and close .friends...About 50 guests...Grand Daughter...Thanks for the Congrats

So I assume that you got married yesterday. Congratulations.

12 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

I thank you too. When you go through big life events sometimes all you want is for someone to acknowledge that is some capacity.

This is so true.  Often times people don't know what to say, so they don't say anything at all - That adds to the pain and heartache.

2 hours ago, V. R. said:

OH no, not again! . So sorry, it must be terrible putting up with this. We usually have fires all  around  our mountains and hillsides in Summer, (one year, one of our old  huts burned down, there was nothing in it, luckily) but they're not as devastating and large-scale as yours, and this year we've had none at all, due to constant rainfall,the only advantage I suppose. 

Tell you what, I'll trade you some dry weather for some of your rain.  Deal?

4 hours ago, kayc said:

For sure!  I love that phrasing...

My dog is my life.  He is the sweetest most attentive being...it scares me how attached I've become...it seems everything I get close to gets ripped away...I can't bear to even go there.  He is my life and breath.

Fire now at 110,000 acres.  Can evacuate at any moment...

 

We need to get the afterlife connected to the internet...on a safe channel of course. Grin.  I feel that way about my cat.  If something were to happen to him, I'd be in dire depression like I was at first.  My husband was allergic to dogs.  So we had cats.  This little one when he was about 8 weeks old ran away from his home across the street.  I kept taking him back and he kept returning to us.  So the neighbors said it was okay to keep him.  At the time we had two old cats, who are now gone.

Wow, 110,000 acres.  I didn't see the news last night.  Football replaced the news.  At least it's cooler now.  I sure hope the rain they talked about shows up.  I assume your car is packed up and ready.  Do you have a place you can go?  I have suit cases out, boxes ready to fill and a list of what I would want to take that I can check over. 

5 hours ago, kayc said:

For sure!  And I thought my life was colorful!  You two have been through a LOT!  I have to hand it to you both, you are survivors!  And congrats both of you on being writers!

Thanks.

11 hours ago, V. R. said:

How shocking for you Chocolate , I am ever so sorry you have had to go through this. 

Wishing you all the peace and comfort in the world. 

Yes, it was horrendously shocking.  But one of the things I've learned is that the worst things that happen can provide the best growth, if we look at it that way. Thank you.

9 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Thx so much Chocolate

You're welcome, Boho-Soul.

3 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Yes, I've heard of that term. I wouldn't say Michael was my twin flame, maybe soulmate isn't quite accurate either, it's hard to know due to the way our relationship unfolded. But we did share a deep love for each other before the beast of depression took hold. Maybe my next connection will be a win flame. As I move forward in life I'll wait and see who may cross my path in the future. All I hope for is a deep mutual emotional connection with someone I can share life with.

That kind of connection is what I wanted too, and it found me. I hope it comes to you too.

4 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Yes, you never know how life unfolds. I believe my late husband was my soulmate for the time I had with him (illness aside). I also believe souls can have more than one connection. It will be different because it will be a different soul, but it can still be a beautiful connection if it happens.

I stand corrected.  I didn't realize you thought of your late husband as your soulmate.  There's another term that is applicable to the relationship I have with my late husband.  It's twin flame.  He is the other half of my flame.  I've loved others very deeply, but my late husband was/is the other half of me.

14 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Thx Chocolate ☺️

I love that 👍🏼

It's how I met my soulmate.  Maybe it would work for in finding yours.

3 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

What an incredible accomplishment! I totally understand the concept of really learning to write, I love the process though.

Hope you're able to move forward with your latest book when the time is right.

Thanks.  Good luck with your writing.  The process of writing it both wonderful and grueling.  It's 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration.  Right now I don't care if it ever gets published.  I've worked at this for over 40 years.  The best things that have ever happened to be happened when I wasn't expecting them.  For this to work this time, that's what has to happen.  I've released it.

1 minute ago, Boho-Soul said:

Wow, and double wow!! That's horrible, shocking, disturbing. Love that you wrote a book about it, must have been cathartic. I'd love to be a writer, I feel I already am. I wrote a book about when I was abducted at 19, it was very healing to write it. I wrote is as fiction because I didn't think anyone would believe the real story.  Sadly, I lost half of it when my computer crashed though, but I will finish it someday. I hope to write another 2 novels based on my life stories. Was your book ever published?

It was cathartic at first.  But I rewrote and rewrote for 10 years.  By then I was grinding in the pain.  I was learning to write, really learning to write.  It takes time and care to get the words to say exactly what a person means.  I started it on a typewriter.  Once I transferred it to a computer, I backed up everything constantly.  Yes, I've been published.  I was on a couple of talk shows, one in New York and on in Toronto.  I've published two book through traditional publishing and 10 myself in digital format.  The last one I wrote I decided was too important to publish myself.  I was looking for another agent when my husband became so ill.  For now that's on hold.

6 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Yeesh, you've been through a lot too. Hope you were able to return to school and finish your masters. What program did you take?

I was getting a masters degree in counseling focusing on gerontology.  I'd start a term. then there would be a trial scheduled.  I'd have to drop out for the term to be with my parents in court.  I'd go down to be with them only to have the trial rescheduled.  By the time it was over I had lost all interest in ivory tower theory.  See, my brother murdered his neighbors, four of them, two of them we knew and had gone to church with when I was young. Once the trial was over and he was sentenced, I did not have the energy to continue. That's when I switched to writing a book about what  it was like to be the family of a killer.  This was in the early 1980s, before the killing sprees had become rampant.  My second husband forbid me to tell his wealthy parents.  As soon as I was together enough I left him, got a job and continued to write.  After the murder story I switched to fiction.

5 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Yes, my ex is her father. I left due to marital abuse.

That's way too common.  My first husband told me he was God in our house.  If he had been we would have had enough to eat and wouldn't have had to pick up bottles along the road to make ends meet.  He always spent more than we made, and considered the money from my job his.  He had been abused as a child.  My second husband was from old money, and things became awful after he got access to his inheritance from his grandmother and when he became ashamed of me because of crimes my brother committed.  I nearly drown from the mess. I had to drop my masters program to help my parents through it.

16 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

The healing team is just what I call it, I see a few people who use different modalities so help me heal.

 

Thank you for explaining.  It's good you like your job and are on the mend.  Nice that you have a daughter, son-in-law and grandbaby.  I assume the daughter came from a relationship prior to your last husband.

3 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Well I could, but I've got so much going on, and I don't think I have the mental capacity to deal with an attorney about this. I just finished cleaning and repairing the studio so I can rent it out, now I'm working through all the stuff in my house. I'm also trying to heal as the trauma and grief of all this manifested itself physically, so I've been trying to heal my body. I've got a great healing team now so I'm doing so much better.

I have no medical bills which is such a blessing. I live in Canada so our health care is funded and administered to our 13 provinces and territories. Living on long-term disability right now until I'm fit enough to return to work so funds are tight, especially with the cost of everything rising. It'll be great when the financial stuff goes through and I can stop digging a deep hole in my dwindling savings account. It will be good when I'm back to work too, but I need to be well enough to do so. I provide pediatric therapy, so I've got to be in a healthy state before returning back to work.

 

I'm not sure what a healing team is, nor do I know what pediatric therapy is.  You certainly are dealing with a lot.  Do you have kids?  It doesn't sound like it.  I read in you profile that you live in Canada, hence the socialized medicine comment.  How long do you think it will be before you return to work? I live in the U.S.. 

10 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Yup, that's what people are saying. I have a friend who is a nurse and she thought blood clot too. I was told that he was given anti-clotting medication, I think that's what they injected in him before they left for the hospital. I think he had a blood clot too, the blood clot won and the anti-clotting meds dissipated the clot so it wasn't detectable. That said, they have to prove that through fine tissue testing to ensure accurate cause of death. I did contact a lawyer at my mother-in-law's request but was told his case is in the cue and there was nothing they could do in regards to speeding up the autopsy results. The life insurance can only be processed once they have cause of death, so a lawyer can't do anything there either. Trust me, I've tried every angle except going to the media to put it on the local news. Not doing that, I've got enough going on already.

I'd try a different attorney.  Maybe the one you got wasn't any good.  Sometimes it takes a shark of an attorney to get things done.  How are you getting by?  At least your mother-in-law is on your side.  Are there bills to pay related to his medical treatment or does socialized medicine pay for it all. 

6 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Ya, our provincial health care has been overwhelmed since the pandemic, even before really.

I'll give a shorten version of what happened. So 5 weeks before died he was in a bike accident and fractured his leg in 2 places which required surgery. That went well and he was at home convalescing, I took time off work to be with him as he couldn't weigh-bear. He had 2 cast changes and all was going well. Then one morning I woke up to him moaning in terrible pain, not sure why because he'd been off his pain meds for almost 3 week by this time. He said he was extremely nauseous. I instantly called 911. He was struggling to breath and I'm pretty sure I saw him take his last breath, which freaked me out, but within the same minute fire and EMS arrived. They said they couldn't find a heart beat, gave him something, stated he was stable and off he went to hospital. I couldn't go because of Covid. My sister came and drove me when I got the ok to come to the hospital, but when I arrive I was told he didn't make it. Initial autopsy showed he didn't have a heart attack, stroke or infection and they couldn't detect any blood clots, so it went to secondary autopsy for pathologies etc. I was told that would take 6-12 months, it's now been over 21 months and I'm still waiting. It's hard for a lot of reasons, but it's frustrating because I can't warp up legal stuff like processing his life insurance policy. The whole scenario around his death seems like a a horrific dream and it some ways it still doesn't seem real. Strange thing is I feel more sad for him than me because his final years were so awful for him, and all I wanted was for him to have a joyful life.

It sounds to me like it was a blood clot, even though they said it wasn't.  Have you contacted an attorney?  Sometimes they are the only ones who can sort it through.  Maybe an attorney would do it for part of the life insurance.

8 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

It was very difficult at times, just to see him is such a severe depressive state, and was at times traumatic - so no, I did not have what many here talk about. We were married for 16 yrs. The last 10 being the hardest. As you said about your boyfriend, my Michael was a good soul and a quality man. That's what made it so hard to leave when he suggested it. I knew his core self, that's who I dated, I just wanted that part of him back. He passed December 10, 2020, so coming up on 2 yrs. Strange thing is I still don't have cause of death - that's another saga in another thread - so that's been hard. As well, his illness manifested into a hoarding scenario in our 2 properties which is now my responsibility to clean up. I initially told my therapist I have to untangle myself from his mental illness, it's been part of my healing.

Thanks for your responses Chocolate ☺️

You're welcome. As I see it, the one thing we can do is to use our downs to help others up, if possible.

I could always see the good in people, but the bad in them would sometimes mess me over.  Odd that you don't know the cause of death.  Was he at home when it happened?  Were you with him when he died?  Just remember that sometimes a person has to walk through a lot of poop to get to the meadow filled with flowers. The poop can help the flowers grow.