bobsgal

Hi Sandy, You wrote: How do you help someone who lost her male partner of 14 years and feels like she's only "half a person"; i.e., that her late partner gave her true meaning of her life? She's so lost and empty without him; her identity was so tied in to his.... No sage advice to give you except to be there for your friend, and don't judge her grief or her journey through it. Any loss is hard, but to feel that sort of connection with someone and lose them through death is a loss of a different color. I have, for years, referred to myself as "Bob's other half". It took the two of us coming together to make the whole, and by the time I lost him to a sudden heart attack at 47 our lives were pretty much completely overlapping. When he passed suddenly at 47 of a sudden heart attack, a big part of what I felt made up my psyche, was lost also. I thought of it as two circles that began by touching edges, and then with time began to mingle together and overlap each other. When Bob died, what was left was this portion of a circle that was crescent shaped, with a huge gaping wound where the other circle and the overlapped portions had been. I can imagine that this is perhaps what your friend is feeling with her 'other half's' loss. There were no words that anyone could tell me that made the pain better, but when I finally got online and began to interact with others that had been where I was, I began to see light. It will be 8 years for me next month, I still miss Bob everyday, but life is good again, and the life after death is my own. I honor him and our love by moving forward, and living as wholly as possible. Your friend is fortunate to have you concerned for her. I pray that she is given some peace with her loss, and you remain by her side to support her when she needs it. Blessings, bobsgal (Lynda)

Hi daddysgirl, I am so sorry to hear of the death of your daddy. A year and a half is not that long, and you are still coming to terms with his loss out of your life. You will never completely get over losing your daddy, but your memories will sweeten with time, and bring you more joy than pain eventually. As far as the anger, it is a part of the grieving process. It has been almost 8 years for me since my husband died suddenly at age 47. Sometimes the anger is all that we can muster to get us from point A to point B, recognize it for what it is, a part of the grief process, and make an effort to let it go when you see it coming. I hope you find that writing to the list will help you move through some of the rough spots, and your anger subsides. Sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in when the feelings get hard. Blessings bobsgal (Lynda) PS: If there were some magical pill or potion that would get us through this journey quickly and easily, you can bet we would all be on it.

A poem I wrote early in my grieving, when confronted by those who thought that it was more than time enough to be over all this and be happy again. All those same people who at one time early on in my grief had said, "any time you need me, just holler, anything you need, if it is just a shoulder to cry on." Blessings, bobsgal (Lynda) I need your help, friend. I need to speak of my loss. I need to cry the tears of healing. You had said if there was anything, anything at all that I needed... Well, here I am friend, I need you. I am torn in half, my heart has been shredded. There is no bandage big enough to hold it all. I am so lost and confused, I need your help. Just listen, touch my hand, hold me. What was that? Oh, all right, yes I understand. You need to run right now. Call you if I need something? Oh sure, OK. I’ll let you know. I need your help, God. I need to speak of my loss. I need to cry the tears of healing. You had said if there was anything, anything at all that I needed… Well, here I am God, I need you. ©lab/'96

Hi Diane, Saw your note and wanted to let you know that you were 'heard'. Sometimes all the things that we know intellectually and what we feel in our heart are at complete opposite ends of the spectrum. I found, for myself, when I thought I should be at this or that stage, and didn't quite find myself there, or healing as quickly as I or others thought I should, my depression and my grief would intensify. But when I just let the feelings come and go as they wanted to, cry, get ticked off, retreat, and even overreact to those things that I had no control of, I seemed somehow to actually do better. You wrote: We had only been married 5 years, been together for 9 1/2. this was a second marriage for both of us, and we were so very connected. We always said how we wished we had met each other in our younger days and avoided the conflicts that our 1st marriages brought. I am sorry you and Dan did not have more time together, but you know now from your experience with your previous marriage, and then your marriage to Dan that true and complete love does exist and can happen to you. Bob and I were married just 3 months shy of our 22nd anniversary (we were together 6 months before our marriage), and for quite a while I was so disappointed that we didn't have more time. I have been on this journey for almost 8 years now, and am able to look at the time that we had together as my blessing. I hope that you are able to find some occasional peace with your situation, and when you are at the end of your rope you keep reaching out. I would be happy to listen to you talk of Dan and your life together. Sending you warm hugs to give you comfort, Blessings, bobsgal (Lynda)

Hi Wendy, Just a quick note to let you know that you are not alone out there. There are many others who are reading your words and saying, boy is she strong or what. To be able to write her feelings and even make the statement... "I get so frustrated! I'm trying to get through this process, and I'm trying NOT to judge myself and put timeframes on it...(it will be 11 weeks this Wednesday that my son Gabriel died) however, I want so much to "feel better!" I want to feel some joy again...I want to enjoy my two year old son, and not take him for granted...appreciate every moment I have with him...than I start to feel guilty about that...that I'm not doing that right either...God forbid anything happen to him too...I think I would surely die!" I know that it is hard to hear, but just take one moment at a time, breathe quietly when you can, rant and rage when you need to. You will feel joy again, and guilt at the joy, and then go from the pits of sadness to the heights of joy. This road is not a straight course through grief, it is a winding path, with many hills and valleys, at times you are standing on the edge of the cliff and when you step off there is the unexpected ledge to keep you from falling. Talk about Gabriel, and his brother Samson... talk about your feelings and loss, keep telling your story, and eventually you will come across someone who is where you are right now, and you will know instinctively that they need to get it out. You will be there with your hand held out, and feel the healing that has already taken place. You are not alone in this Wendy, although it seems like it at times. You are being thought of with much tenderness tonight, take care, Love and Blessings, bobsgal (Lynda)

Hi Wendy, Hold on tight, and go with how you are feeling. It has only been a very short time since Gabriel's death, and some of that calming numbness is beginning to wear off. It is so 'normal' to get caught up in your pain and feel as if you are drowning, but just try to get through one moment at a time. Grieving is such hard work, probably the hardest work we will ever do in our lifetime, and so many times you feel all alone in your journey. I can remember when I emerged from the 'numbness state', I just couldn't seem to breathe with this wide gaping hole in my heart. But I did keep breathing, and crying, and coping as best as I could. Gabriel will always be with you Wendy, death cannot take that away. He is your little boy and always will be, and when an event happens in your life or in your son Samson's life, you will always wonder how Gabriel would have handled it, how it would be for him if he were there. And he will be there at that moment in time for he is in your heart forever. I am holding you in my prayers that you are given peaceful sleep and dreams, and the strength to do all that you need to do. Love and Blessings bobsgal (Lynda)

Hi Babette, Saw your post, and wanted to let you know that you are not bothering anyone by telling your story. Sudden deaths are so hard, with the shock and disbelief, the no time for good-byes, 'the did I's' and 'should have's', and all those unanswered questions. I have not lost either of my parents or my sibling, but my spouse died suddenly and unexpectedly in my arms. My heart goes out to you and I pray that you are able to replace some of those hurtful thoughts with precious loving memories of your mom and sissy. Keep writing and telling your story, although it doesn't take the grief away, it somehow helps to ease the pain a little. Know that you are being thought of with tenderness tonight, Love and Blessings, bobsgal (Lynda)

Steve, Thank you for your kind words and your understanding. Steve wrote: It's your external identity that confuses the world around you. They think you've changed. Inside of you dwells in love that intertwining spirit of Bob'nLynda. You have summed up my feelings so well. Blessings, Lynda

Dear Wendy, Sending you many warm hugs to give you some comfort on these long nights. I cannot imagine what you have gone through or are still going through, but I do care. I fully understand your need to search out an online support group. That is when my healing of my grief actually began, when I finally got online and connected with others that had been where I was, and was able to tell my story without being judged. I pray that you are given moments of peace, with loving memories of Gabriel to help sustain you. We all move along this road at different levels, not always in a forward projection either. I have found after many years, there is no set formula to getting through this, and not to judge my progress from others (don't hold anothers progress up for a yardstick for yourself). Keep writing for your sanity, Love and Blessings, bobsgal Lynda

Just a quick note to introduce myself to the loss of spouse/partner or significant other group, although it appears that I might be the first poster to this section. I am Lynda, or bobsgal. My husband Bob died suddenly from a massive heart attack in my arms in the early morning hours of August 3, 1995. For the first 1½ years I moved in a fog, kept there with much effort on my part. We had no children, and I could see no reason for my life to continue, how could I ever find anything to bring me joy again?, but somehow I kept breathing. I found my way online about 2 years into my journey, and immediately searched out groups that understood where I was, that had suffered like losses. That is when I began my road to healing in earnest. Although nothing takes Bob's place, I have found joy in living again. I was so afraid that by healing I would forget the many things about our life and love, the way Bob sounded or looked, or the things he would say. But just the opposite is true. As I moved forward on this path, those memories have become more acute and firmly embedded in my heart and head. I hope that those that come to this forum find the help and acceptance of others that know where you are and have been there to give you a hand up when needed. I hope that you are comforted by loving memories of happy times to carry you thru the rough patches. Love and Blessings, bobsgal Lynda

MY OTHER HALF Time moves on no matter what, I cannot seem to halt it. I hold my breath, yet breathe on still, Although I try to stop it. The days slip past, the nights so long, My heart sits in my chest; The tears they come, so easy still, They keep me from my rest. I’m told by others it’s past time To move along this road; That time has come to say good-bye, To drop this heavy load. But dear, you know my heart so well, You know my every thought, You’re my other half, you know, You’re the beating of my heart. ~~ ©Lynda Buck 1998 (bobsgal) My beloved, my other half Robert L Buck 5/8/48~8/3/95 If sweetness were a flower, and you were mine to hold, I'd touch you warm and gently, and treasure you as gold. (a verse from a poem by Bob) Memorial to my other half Find a grave Robert Louis Buck