PattyAnn

I want to start a list of the couples here...I could name many of them but don't want to leave anyone out, so please add your name and the name of the spouse you lost...I want to pray for each of you in this new year. Kay and George Erica and Walter Scott and Kate Tom and Mary Linda Janet and Mike Corinne and Jimmy Jeanne and Alex Derek and Karen Rosemary and Lou Bob and Janet Jean and Walter Bob and Mel Teny and Yiany Mark and Julie Harry & Sherry Wendy and Steve Jack and John Karen and Jack Jan and Dale Joe and Marsha Larry and Deborah Kathy and Bob Bruce and Gail Pat and Walter

Teny, I can relate to your feelings of what's the use. I almost hate my life that I live now. With my husband I was so content and happy. Now each day is a struggle. Grief is so awful. It's like carrying around a sack of heavy rocks. But I don't feel that I would be honoring my husband's memory by giving up. It's extra hard at holidays when everyone else is celebrating with their husbands. Your have actually helped me without knowing it. I have read your messages and it has helped me to know someone else is feeling similarly to what I am feeling. You express yourself so well. I am fighting the depression as well. One thing I did to help myself is to check out some audio tapes from the library. I selected only those that had positive uplifting messages. I play them in my car and listen to them in the evenings while knitting in my chair rather than watching negative stuff on TV. I have also made a decision to back away from people who want to criticize and talk negatively. While I'm healing from this grief I will only be around positive people and chose positive things to watch or listen to. It's helping already!!! I'm also trying to get back to exercising. Right now I'm so weak and tired, but I set the timer for 5 minutes. I can do that! Sometimes I can go even longer than 5 minutes! Little by little I am putting my shattered self back together. It would be nice to have had someone help me step by step, but I'm finding that people are so involved in their own lives. They just can't relate to what I'm going through. This site has been so wonderful. It's made a HUGE difference for me in my loneliness and grief. But I know at the end of the day it's up to me to save myself. Please try to do one or two positive things for yourself each day. You can do anything for 5 minutes at a time and it usually inspires you to do more than that. You husband would be so proud of you for having made it this far! We all love you and support you! Pat

Mary Linda, Thank you for your good wishes. Sorry you had a bad day yesterday. Are you o.k. today? Pat

Marsha, What a nice dream of your dear Joe. It's the simple things that we miss the most. The sound of their footsteps, their laugh, just being together in quiet moments. Those that still have their spouses just cannot imagine what it's like without them. I know I didn't. I knew I had it good, but could not have imagine the depth of despair and loneliness that I would have to experience without my husband. Your dream was so comforting, but I know it was painful to wake up to the reality of Joe not being here. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Thank you for your kind words. I wish I had the words to comfort you now, but I do care about you. Pat

Teny, Thank you for your message. You must have loved your husband so much and I am sorry you feel such sorrow. For those of us who were lucky to have wonderful spouses it is difficult to get through holidays without them. My heart is with you. Pat

Vickie, I enjoyed your bouquet of flowers. I did not realize yellow symbolized brave heart. I don't know that I am brave. Guess we have no choice but to go through these things. Thanks for your kind thoughts. Pat

I'm going to call it a night. Hopefully next birthday I will be able to deal with it better. Thank you one and all for helping me through this evening! It really made a difference. I'm so grateful to you. Sending you all hugs and warm thoughts!! Pat

Awww Mike, thank you for your birthday wish! Your wife looked like such a dear, sweet lady. I'm so sorry for your loss. It is tough on holidays. I have a book called, "A Decembered Grief, Living with Loss While Others are Celebrating" by Harold Ivan Smith. I should get it out and read it. Take care, Pat

KayC, Your little "emotion" cracked me up. It makes me think that I should put duct tape over my head and mouth! Thanks for making me chuckle. Pat

Hi Karen, Yes, I'll endure and as I said, tomorrow will be better. But sometimes it feels like I'm walking along and suddenly I have fallen into a hole and have to climb out again. You know the feeling. Thanks for caring. Pat

Thanks Marty. That's so sweet! Kind words really do help. Thanks Deborah for your nice wishes. I don't feel so alone now! Pat

Hi all, Ooops, I'm feeling sorry for myself again. Today is my birthday. I did have a few friends call and a friend took me out to lunch. But it just isn't the same. I'm so sad tonight and crying like a baby. I miss my husband sooooo much. My husband always brought me a dozen red roses on my birthday. We usually stayed home because the weather this time of year was so bad. But he always made it a special time together. It just seems like holidays, birthdays, etc. make the grieving so much worse. I just can't stand this life without him. I had it so good and now he's gone. I should be doing better...actually I thought I had but the holidays have caused me to regress back into the intense crying. I'm ashamed that I feel sorry for myself. I was so blessed to have had such a wonderful relationship. But tonight I feel bad...I'll do better tomorrow...and even better after the holidays. Thanks for listening. Pat

Dear Heartbroken, May I add my deepest condolences for the loss of your dear husband. After the death of my husband (cancer) I felt like one of those crash dummies that had just hit head on into a brick wall. Right now you are probably feeling totally exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. Let close friends and family help carry you until you can feel stronger. Take care of your health the best you can (I should talk...I ate cookies over the sink at dinner time because I was too exhausted to cook for myself.) I wish I could hide under the covers with you and tell you what a wonderful job you did for your husband. You gave it your all. I think he knew you were there for him and did your very best. Give yourself credit for that. Each one of us that have been through the death of our spouse reach out to you with our hearts. Know we all care about your pain and loss. Please post often...we will respond and walk with you down this path that none of us chose to walk. Pat

Marsha, Oh yes, I have physically changed. Taking care of my husband by myself was a 24/7 job (it was my honor), and it took quite a toll on me. I got down to 91 lbs!! I've gained some of it back over the last year, but not in healthy way. I've eaten more junk food then ever before. I haven't been up to cooking for myself. But what really makes me sad is when I look in the mirror and see a strange woman looking back at me with a sorrow in her eyes and frozen, pale look on her face. Who is that woman? Will I always look like that? Will I ever be able to smile again, sing again, laugh again? I know I will and have started to some, but then I see my husband's picture, or handwriting or clothes and I slip back into a reality of my own. I spend a lot of time in the past where it was warm and secure and filled with love. The present moment seems so cold and so lonely. Well, sorry, I sound so dramatic, but your question struck a cord in me. Sending you a hug...I do understand and I care about you and your pain, as well. With Love, Pat

Fred, I concur with your premise about considering the money thing as an investment, etc. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but it didn't enter my mind I was trying to buy friendship. I certainly can see how that might occur or be viewed that way. I will be very careful from now on so as not to give the wrong impression. Sorry you have had to become an "expert" in this grieving process. I will, however, watch your postings more carefully and learn from your experience. Right now I feel like I need all the advice I can get. I feel like I've made so many mistakes and it would be nice to just move and start all over. Some of the things I've learned is not to be so open about my feelings and my life. I'm finding that I am not a good judge on who I can trust. I've been let down several times by people I really, really thought had my best interests in mind. I was thinking they were good people and ones that I could trust. No more. Which is sad. I feel like I am becoming more and more like a reclusive loner. That's not what I had envisioned for my life, but out of self preservation I am becoming that way. Anyway, thank you for your thoughtful words. I will take them to heart. I will slow down and enter friendships more slowly and carefully. In the meantime, I may have to vent here instead of with the people in the town where I live. Pat

KayC, Thank you for your kind words. The day is almost over. I made it. Kept real busy. Still hurt inside that no one called or e-mailed. I'm learning a lot during this process. Not necessarily things I want to learn about people. I'll keep trying, but it's been very disheartening to not hear from any one, so your sweet note sure helped! Pat

Karen and Marsha, Thanks. That helps. Just a kind word can mean so much. I wish I could just say to heck with 'em, but I've invested so much time, energy and yes, money in building friendships, but I'm to the point that maybe I should just bow out and figure another way. Looking hard for another home, perhaps in another town. A fresh start might be the thing I need. Pat

It's a dreary snowy day, I'm alone, no one has even called or e-mail me to wish me a happy Thanksgiving (I've called and e-mailed several friends, even sent $100 to a friend so she could buy food for herself...she's struggling financially). Also, today is the 1 yr, 3 mos. anniversary of my husband's death. I think about what things would have been like if he were still alive. Weather didn't bother me then, as long as we were together. It would have been a cozy time, a simple Thanksgiving. We would have made a meal, taken a nap, watched a special movie. Just enjoyed each other. I did get one e-mail from a man I recently met. He and his wife lost their only daughter (killed by a teenage driver 8 years ago). So he and his wife totally understood about deep grief. This is one of his comments that helped me: "I have told (my wife)about you and she is terribly sorry about Walter's death, and the pain you feel about it (though we understand that this pain is yours and precious in its own way, as it is a connection to Walter; no one has the right to ask you to put it away...and you may tell them that). Since it is past the one year mark, I am really being pressured to stop talking about my husbands death. A "friend" even said to me a few days ago, "I don't like being around people in grief". Ouch! Ah phooey, where's that box of kleenex? I feel another meltdown coming on. Thanks for listening. Pat

Marsha, Oh, if only I had the words for you. I want so badly to bring you comfort. Please know that you will get through this. You do it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. In the moments that you are in such deep grief it feels like you can't manage the pain, but you can and you will. This forum has been so helpful to each of us. When one of us is down the others jump in and bring words of encourage and comfort. I'm at 14 months since my husband's death and I can truly say that the sharp edges of grief are smoothing out somewhat. I still have my moments and that's when I come back to this forum for help. Sometimes I just read what others are saying. It helps to know I'm not crazy and that the emotions of grief are similar among all of us. Please hang in there. We all will hold your hand and help you through this, just like we have with each other. We really do care about your pain! With Love, Pat

Jan, Well said. I feel very similarly to you. I have sporadically gone to church this last year seeking comfort,hope, and answers to my deep despair and grief, but it (religion) just didn't seem to make sense to me or ring true for me. God's plan...hmmmm. All I know is marrying my husband was the best thing that ever happened to me and his death was the worst things that has happened to me. It's like every cell of my body grieves for him. I have no answers either, other than to just endure day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and hope that someday I will come to some type of understanding for myself. I don't think it's an understanding that anyone can teach me. I have to find my own way. I read. I listen. I think. I endure. I hope. I cry. I don't know what else to do other than that. Thanks for expressing your feelings about religion. It really hit home for me! Pat

Kay, Yes, I'm surprised at myself too. But it does seem like I can be o.k. then step in to a hole (depression) without seeing it coming. Watching the news certainly has been bringing me down a lot. We're all being affected by the economy and to be alone and wondering what's ahead financially is certainly scary. The Cat Stevens song--well, I was sorta paraphrasing a little bit. The actually title to the song I think is the "Car Wash Blues". There's a line in the song that goes: "Got the steadily depressing low down mind messin’ working at the car wash blues." Pat

Thank you one and all. It really helps to hear your different stories and perspectives. I think perhaps some people really are insensitive, but also when we are in grief we are so much more vulnerable to people's comments and actions (or lack thereof). I know I am very thin skinned now. Any other time I might be able to just let their remarks or actions roll off me more easily. I have a tendency to just stay home and live in my little bubble. It takes too much energy to get out there like I should. Sometimes my bubble is so much safer. Thanks again to all of you for responding to me. It definitely helped to uplift me today and get me out of my 'poor me' mood. With Love, Pat

Marty, Thanks for the links. I enjoyed reading them. Yes, I agreed we have to put ourselves out there to find support. However, I feel like I really have. I spent this last year taking people out to lunch/dinner. Dropping flowers off for someone's anniversary, making donations, calling people, listening to THEIR STORIES (i.e....my dog died a year ago of cancer, my grandmother died 10 years ago). I have been a patient listener, even though I ached to be listened to, even though I may have had a lump in my throat at the time. I know this sounds like I'm playing the victim and I really don't mean to, but I am shocked at the lack of compassion and insensitivity. I won't give up, I'll keep marching, I'll find my way, I will have a happy life, but the journey would have been so much lighter had there been a better support system in place for me. Again, thank you for your thoughts. Pat

Jan, How funny about you being friends with the former wife! Hee hee! But good for the two of you! If you are helping one another than I think that's just great! I have a job, but I work out of my home, so I'm here all day and that's probably not good, but I do get a lot done...sometimes I even worked in my nightgown and robe! Good thing we don't have a video telephone! Well, at least we both can find humor in our situations! That helps. Pat

Jan, Thank you for responding. I guess I know it's not me per se, but it's hard not to start thinking, 'maybe there is something wrong with me...people can't be that insensitive, can they?' Then I start thinking what's wrong with me, what am I doing wrong, what did I say wrong, do wrong....etc. So the cycle downwards continues. I appreciate your support. I am starting to feel so isolated. Boy, do I miss my husband. It was soooo supportive and believed in me so much (as I did him). He knew me better than anyone (33 years)so I thought what he said about me was correct. It's hard to understand why people who you thought would be supportive now seem to abandon you. You say it's happen to you, yet you clearly are a kind, caring person! So confusing why anyone would treat you that way. Thanks again! With Love, Pat P.S. - one lady I know when I told her I hung out at a grief forum actually said this to me..."oh, don't do that, only losers hang out at forums!" Wow, is she ever wrong. What an incredibly insensitive and unkind thing to say. The people on this forum are great and I have learned so much from you all!