PattyAnn

Hi all, I need a good talking to...I'm so very, very depressed after 14 months of this grieving thing. I live in a small town and it feels like it's not "widow friendly". I'm struggling to keep up with the business, house, car, etc. by myself, and a kind word would mean a lot. I was told that I'm not invited to dinner at people's houses because I'm vegetarian! What a lame excuse! I said, hey, just open a can of corn, I'll be happy. I just would enjoy being around some people. The church that I attended for awhile has definitely excluded me. They are all couples and a widow doesn't fit in I guess. Recently, they all banded to help one of the ladies in the church who had surgery. I offered to help with anything I could do. I visited her several times in the hospital, but now that she is home, I have been excluded from the visitation list. They are all going to her home this weekend. I was not invited. That hurts so much, especially since I have made a sizable money donation to the church (didn't even get a decent thank you note from the church). No one from the church calls me on the weekends or holidays. I'm not invited to lunch or dinner. Sometimes I think I must be a freak. My dear husband Walter would always tell me that I was the nicest person he had ever met and that he felt like he had won the lottery when I married him. Another friend who lives in another town said that she thought I was one of the nicest people she knows. So why,why, why am I left so alone?? I would move somewhere else, but just don't know where to move. But I am so down. A woman who lost her son last January said that it's getting harder, not easier. That's how it's feeling for me. To deal with the grief is bad enough, but to deal with the rejections and loneliness makes thing so much harder. I'm 60...it feels like that's an awkward age...not young, but not old. Yet, I know I'm a nice, polite, clean, well mannered woman. No phone calls, no invitations. Is it me? Am I just feeling sorry for myself? I really do feel rejected no matter how hard I try to be helpful and generous and kind. I just don't get it. Please offer some perspective. I really am struggling and it's getting harder and harder to get through the days (and nights). Pat

Oh, I'm so sorry for the loss of your car. It's just one more upset that you have to deal with and so unexpected! I don't think you are crazy. I have to sell my husband's car and it will be so hard to see it driven off. Walter loved his car! By getting rid of it I feel like I'm going further and further away from Walter. It seems like his car had his personality in it. It has been a comfort to me to see it in the garage and remembering how Walter looked in the driver's seat, how I would jump for joy when I saw him and his car coming down the road towards our house. Yes, a car is a thing, but it does seem like they take on a life and personality as well. I'm sure this is so upsetting for you, but just know we all understand your emotions over this and I think you're perfectly normal to feel that way! Pat

KayC, Yes, in a way it is a milestone, yet I feel stuck in those moments that Walter was slipping away from me. Like you, I didn't think I would make it this far, but it doesn't feel like a year. My perception of time is different now from everyone else's I guess. It really, really does help to hear from all of you. Thank you so much!

Vickie, Yes, those tears...I've cried so much this year I think my facial features have even changed! I look different. The sadness and pain show on my face all the time now!! I didn't know I was capable of crying so much. When will the tears stopped? (it feels like they never will). I guess we expected some relief from the pain at the one year mark. It didn't happen for me. Please know that I care about your pain as well. Pat

Lily, Regarding your comment, "I honest to God, can not believe he's gone from me forever." Every time I wake up in the morning and he isn't there, every time I sit down to eat a meal and he isn't there.....it's like I have to work my way through the shock of Walter's death and absence over and over and over again each day. My mind just can't accept that I will never hear his voice, touch him, hear his footsteps coming up the stairs, etc. It's really a lot for one's mind to deal with and one year's time just isn't enough to integrate that into my brain. (will I ever?) It really is a different reality for us now and we have to keep reinventing ourselves each day. It's such a struggle, isn't it? My heart is with you as you go through your journey. Thank you for your comments. Pat

Thank you one and all. I made it through the day with lots of tears and sadness. I still feel that way today. It's not like a switch is flipped and now I should feel different than yesterday. All your support did make a difference though, because I knew you all understand this type of grief. Thank you again for responding! Pat

~~~~Thank you so much for caring. I touches my heart!

Tonight at 10:15 p.m. a year ago, all the magic went out of my life as I watched and held my beloved Walter as he was dying. I remember every detail so vividly. The sad and fearful look he had in his eyes. Could he hear me as I pleaded from my heart for him to hang on...that I needed him...that I loved him so much? I've had so many hurtful things said to me this last year. Most people don't realize what they are saying, but it's been hard to hear some of their comments. Today, I held Walter's ashes in my arms...so many tears, so many tears. Four of my friends have called to see if I'm alright. They all have their husbands, they just don't know what this kind of grief is like. It's so different than they can ever imagine. They mean well, but they just don't know how badly it hurts to lose your Knight in Shining Armor, the man of your dreams. In my world Walter was my everything. From the opera La Traviata...loosely translated,..."as long as the Heavens will allow tears, I will weep for you." And I do weep for his suffering, his death, my emptiness. I now know what it feels like to be "half a soul". I have such a heavy heart today, but I was blessed to have such a wonderful man love me. For that I am most grateful. Pat

KayC, Thank you for your words of encouragement. I, too, was surprised that no one called me for the 4th. I have really put a lot of energy into developing friendships, but since most of my friends are married and have their families, I seem to be extra baggage! The loneliness is unbearable at times and it's hard to see a future for me (no family other than an elderly mother who is not capable of being supportive). I get through each day, but there should be more than just getting through it. I really thought after ten months, things would be so much better. I know I'm making some progress, but some days I just wish I could be in another time and place. Thanks for letting me vent. Pat

Kathy, Thanks for posting. Your feelings are so similar to mine. Today (yes, fourth of July!) would have been our 18th anniversary. I wish I had never agreed to get married on the fourth of July, but Walter thought it would be fun ("the fireworks will be for us" he said). But now the fourth of July will always be a painful day for me. This is the first anniversary without him. I have been so depressed the last several days. My so-called friends (they knew it was our anniversary) have not invited me anywhere nor have they called. Ouch! I'm finding people are so done with my grieving and are now just ignoring me. Guess I don't blame them, but the loneliness just adds to the my pain. I applaud you for planning your day on your anniversary date. I wish I had done a better job for myself. Pat

Kim, I'm in the same boat. It seems that when a woman loses her husband, that everyone has plenty of advise for us, but they still have their husbands so how could they possibly know what deep complicated grief for our spouses feels like. I've had so much unsolicited advise given to me I could scream. They don't know what it's like to go through the gut wrenching experience of seeing your husband and best friend suffer and then die right in front of you! Then they want to give you advise on how to behave!!! (take antidepressants...get into volunteer work, stop talking about your grief because we are ready to move on and don't want to hear about your sorrow, etc., etc.) Sometimes it's just too much. So I, like you, put on a happy face and lie right through the smile and go alone with their concept of getting over it. But it's all a sham. I still hurt like h*ll!!! I miss Walter, I miss our life together! I just miss everything about him! Get over 33 years in 8 months. That's absurd!! Sorry for my venting, but I can relate to what you said and I get my feathers ruffled. I hope you know how much we care about your pain of Dan not being here with you. I know how deeply it can hurt. My Walter died just a little over 8 months ago as well, and I still feel like an empty shell. With Love, Pat

Lily, You put it so well. I've experienced the same thing. I never thought of myself as old, but now I feel so old. I also feel like I'm just a nuisance to the few friends that I have. None of them have lost their husbands. They can't possibly know the depth of pain that causes. How differently I am being treated being a widow as opposed to a married woman. Life is not the same at all now. I mourn for the loss of my dear husband and the life we had together. The loneliness is unbearable at times, but like you, I sometimes prefer to be alone rather than have to listen to the "lectures" on how I should behave, eat properly, exercise, etc. Do they really think I don't already know these things. I've been told that my behavior has got to change. This occurred only a few months after my husbands death! It is hard. I don't have the answers. All I know is to push through each day and hope for a little kindness from someone or something to make the day worthwhile. But there are days I have difficulty getting out of bed! Not lazy, just can't face the day without Walter. That's why this forum has helped so much. We can vent and pour out our feelings without the judgmental attitude that those not in grief sometimes have. Keep posting. Your words helped me today! You described so well how lots of us are feeling. My deepest sympathies to you for the loss of your husband. With Love, Pat

Jackie, I am so very sorry for your hurt and pain. My husband died 8 months ago from cancer. I took care of him by myself...he died at home...we were alone together late at night. You will be in shock for awhile, but somehow our own spirit carries us through this awful pain. You will cry and cry and cry. You will be so lost for awhile. But please hang on through each day, each hour, each minute. I thought I would never be able to continue on without my husband. People kept telling me it would get better. I didn't believe them. Grief is a physical reaction as well as emotional. I too couldn't do much those first few months. So I would set a timer for 10 minutes and tell myself I'll work for ten minutes, then I would sit back down and rest, then try again for another ten minutes. Slowly, I started to get things done. But don't push yourself. Your body and mind need time to heal. Now I am here to tell you that you will survive and you will be able to start to feel some light at the end of the tunnel. I miss my husband so much, but I am slowing creating a new life for myself. I even got a new puppy last week! Just know that life does have a way of turning around. You'll have good days, and bad days, but things will get better. You will be o.k. I am here to help you, just as others here on this forum have helped me. I send you my love and support. Pat

Thank you Kay. I appreciate your help. This is so much harder than I could have ever imaged. I have lost family members before, but losing my husband has really crushed me. Each day, each hour, each minute is a struggle, as I am sure it is for the rest of you. Your support means so much...thanks again. Pat

I am at the eighth month mark, as well, and having such a difficult time. Why is the eighth month different from other times? I've stopped talking about it with my few friends. There are tired of my tears and constant stories about my husband. Now I really feel alone and depressed. So just know that you aren't the only one. We will just have to endure the best we can. Sorry for your pain. I really, really am! Pat

Actually, it was WillowZmom that said those words. I think it depends on which people you are with. People seem to say things that either help with the healing or are very hurtful.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I need all the support I can get now. These seven months of grief have really worn me down...and then the loneliness. UGH! It's such a different world as a widow as opposed to being a happily married woman. People do treat you differently (and not necessarily for the better). It's so hard to understand. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one step at a time. Looking forward to better days. Pat

Thank you for your kind words. --Pat

Thanks! Well said. Easter was difficult...not fun...not pretty (lots of tears), but I did survive. I'm still standing. So I'm heading down the road again...until the next emotional pothole! LOL! I sure appreciate the show of support from all of you. This grief thing is so different from any other challenge I've had to face in my life I have great admiration and respect for those of you who have gone through this and survived! Pat

Oh, Dear Lily, I'm so sorry you are hurting so. It's been a long day for me as well and I don't have support either, so I know the loneliness and despair. It feels like the whole world celebrates while we are alone and feeling so lost without our beloved husbands. I don't have the answers. I just keep pushing through each day. I try to plan each day the night before. I rarely follow the plan but I try to have some structure to each day. Sometimes I just say, "I'll just get through this next minute". Sometimes I even say out loud, "I need help, I need assistance". It's funny...sometimes the phone will ring after that...or an idea will pop into my head of what to do next. But it is a moment by moment struggle. I just have to go on hope and faith that each day will bring me closer to some kind of peace. Please know that I care about your pain. Thanks for posting. It's good that you our so open and honest about your feeling. We all want to help you! Believe it or not, sometimes helping someone actually helps us help ourselves in the process. Sending healing thoughts your way... Pat

I can't believe that I had to be alone this first Easter since Walter died. I have tried so hard to nurture friendships, but not one of them even called today to see how I was doing on Easter. I must admit I am so surprised. Guess I best get used to spending holidays alone. How have the rest of you handled the holiday? Anyone else in the same boat? Life is so, so different without my husband and I feel like I am being treated differently as a widow than when I was Walter's wife. Pat

Teny Even though I am only 6-1/2 months or so into my grief, I have talked to as many widows as I can. One friend said she didn't feel herself until four years afterwards. Another widow I talked to said she didn't feel healed until the sixth year! One younger widow is now just start dating after ten years of grief! Good husbands are hard to find and when you do find that special relationship and then it's over life is changed forever. The hurt is so deep. Some people criticise me for not getting on with life! Perhaps they just don't know what it's like to have such a deep and close love for one's spouse. Neither you or I should be discouraged. Our paths will be different from everyone elses. My doctor told me that the reason I had such a special relationship with my husband is that I have the ability to love deeply and I will someday be able to do it again. Hard to think of someone else in my life but Walter. The point is that our happiness has to come from ourselves and we are both strong and loving women. You will smile again someday. Try to find some happiness each day and string those moments together. Find friends that will cheer you on and not criticize you. We all believe in you and we'll help each through this grief.

Ejn, I totally understand your difficulty with the loneliness. I'm in my 60's as well and was with my husband since I was 25. We were together constantly and rarely apart. Since his death a little over six months ago I have had to live alone in a big house. It's been quite a shock and at times unbearably. Unfortunately we now have to reinvent ourselves and identity. Not easy to do when you are hurting so badly from the loss of your husband. But gradually, day by day, you start to find little things here and there that you enjoy. You will find strengths in yourself that will really surprise you. My husband died in late August so I'm a little ahead of you in time, but do know that there will be tiny shifts in your ability to deal with the situation. I'm told by other widows to just "hang in there" and things will seem different in about a year. Yes, it's a long painful process. I work the phones, so to speak, and call as many people as I can to stay in touch. In the meantime, keep posting here. There are some very supportive people! Pat

I'm in the same boat. It's been over 5 months since my husband died and I am tormenting myself with guilt. Did I make the right decisions? Could I have done something more to help/save him? A million things swirling in my head. It's quite a responsibility to take care of and make major decisions for someone who is so ill. Then we are alone with all the memories of the illness and death and it's sometimes just too much for our minds to deal with, especially if we don't have strong support from family or friends. I feel for you, but you are a loving and caring person or you wouldn't even be asking these questions. Could your husband have done any better if the situation were reversed? He probably would have done just as you did. You made the best decisions at the time on his behalf and it came it all came from love. Your husband was lucky to have you there for him. Try to focus on all the good things you did for him. Be proud of yourself for being strong during your husband's illness. You've been through quite an ordeal. My heart and sympathies are with you.

Thanks for your information. I guess I'm not nuts after all...well, maybe just a little. Yes, I'm having a hard time of it. The few friends I have say I'm doing so much better, when actually I'm not but I just say I'm fine or I'm o.k. because their comments like "be sure to eat, be sure to get some rest, but sure to".....well, you know. They have my best interests in mind, but I'm tired of being treated like a child (I'm a senior), so it's just easier to say everything is o.k. and skip the platitudes and lectures. But in private I still hurt so badly. Guess things will be rugged for a lone time to come. Sometimes I wonder if I will have the endurance. Anyway, thank you for your interesting comments. It does help to know I'm sort of, kind of "normal" in the grieving process.