sunstreet

Dear Melina, I believe this pain to will pass for you. I really encourage you to not compare your path to what is written in books. For myself, the more I was able to surrender to the pain and not try to run from it, or distract myself from it, the more I was able to move through it when it came. What your choice is in regards to medication is yours alone to make. My only caution is to involve your physican and a Pharmacist and not make decisions in this area on your own. That is the professional side of me that wants to encourage you this way. I don't believe you did anything wrong by leaving Melina. It is your right to do what is best for you. I can share for myself that I ran away from talking about finding Melissa dead, also a very traumatic experience for the longest time. I did find when I was able to stay with the fear and put words to it and talk about it then I felt like a burden had been lifted and healing occured. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

Exactly! Thank you so much for sharing. You have a wonderful gift! Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Thank you so much for this Marty. I struggle so much with being the only surviving child. I try so hard to do them all proud. They all deserved so much more and all their death's not of natural causes. It is so hard to own that fact. This is another one of those times that I refer to as a "God wink" My heart is heavy of late reflecting on all my siblings and all that should have been. Then you share this....thanks. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Oh Marty, I too am following this link. All tragedies such as this affect me deeply but I suppose because this one is so close to home in more ways than one it has affected me even more so. As I shared I myself volunteer my time with an organization who rescues animals in abusive situations and I have seen and witnessed animals who are near death because of how they have been treated and with the proper care come back to life and we find homes...ALWAYS! IN all the time I have been doing this work we have NEVER had to euthanize an amimal. I am just so outraged that more value is put on the "almighty dollar" versus a life. Till the day I die I will be a "VOICE" for humans and animals alike who have been abused into silence. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

I am absolutely outraged that this has happened. I am one of a group of volunteers who shed Light on animal torture and abuse, and work to have these poor animals rescued, rehibilitated, and loving homes found. Our group is one of several. What was this human thinking that ordered this cull? Sadly, I know the evil that exists in our world only to well. There was no need for this to occur. I have been up all night thinking on those poor dogs, and weeping off and on. Absolutely despicable! I was going to attach an article from a local newpaper but decided no-one needs to read the grizzly details. I am horrified, saddened, and outraged that the laws here in Canada are so lame. Everytime I turn around it seems I am asking the same question and that is: How can some humans be so evil? I think on my cat Sunshine, who at the hands of my family was tortured, to get me to comply to despicable deeds that I am still vomitting about when I think on it. What is the matter with this world? Sometimes I dream that Melissa is still alive, we live on an island, no other humans are there, our family are the animals, and we are finally at peace and allowed to experience our love in complete serentity! Those poor dogs, just triggerd so much for me to hear of this story. I still hang onto that Good always triumphs over Evil, and that Light always triumphs over Darkness but at times it feels I am only hanging onto that belief by a thread..... Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Korina, How wonderful to hear from you again. Thank you for your compliment, and I am proud actually that I am a person who has the ability to show compassion. Thank you for reminding me that it is not a curse... I pray you are doing well. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Chris, Thank you for sharing this wonderful tribute. What a testament to the love you two shared. Your words are just beautiful. Wonderful memories we have to carry with us forever. And yes, at least for myself I have received from you, thank you. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

I am so very deeply sorry for the loss of your Father. I know this pain too. I remember feeling the same as you when it first happened, like I had the huge hole in me, like I was closer to death myself, exactly, I understand. I don't think it weird at all. I think it very normal. I remember also feeling like I was in some kind of dream, surreal, like I was in a tunnel or something. It was very frightening. My Father had Alzheimer's and I stood alone by his bedside for the last nine days of his life. I did everything I could to ensure his comfort and even though I knew death was coming, when it happened I still went into shock. I believe this is where you are at now, in shock. My best advice is to let yourself feel your pain when it comes, don't try to hide it, push it away or pretend it is not there. For now, it will be all you can do just to take care of the basics. Get lots of rest, try to eat a little, and drink lots and lots of water. If you like writing, I recommend that you keep a journal. You have made the first step by posting here, welcome. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Shelley, I hear your fear and anxiety. Ultimately you can only control yourself and if others choose not to come it does not neccessarily mean they don't love you. It most likely would be nothing about you and everything about them...there own fear perhaps. You have prepared well, and I enocurage you to just focus on taking care of you now, write out all your fears and worries and then let them go. Do some fun things, take your mind off of it all for a time.....take a break from it....your allowed. ((((HUGS)))) Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear PopPop, I am so very sorry with all the loss that you have to carry. I too have had to endure a lot of loss in a short period of time. I know that no words will suffice. I know that understanding and answers may never come even though we ache for it. All I can share is that for me, healing occurs when I express my pain versus suffering alone and in silence. My heart aches for you and I encourage you to keep coming here it helps. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Melina, I hear and validate your cries of pain. Being the Pharmacy professional I am I do want to offer my thoughts on your choice to come off of the anti-depressant's. Please know it is your right and choice and I am not wanting to suggest or tell you what to do. I do however want you to think on if you came off at reducing dose that you composed yourself or was it done under the advice of a Pharmacist, for they in my opinion know best how to wein off of any drug with the least amount of side effect and without risk to go into even a deeper depression. Just a thought I want to offer you is all. Happy Bithday to your son Alex. Maybe it has been the knowledge that his Birthday was coming is another reason pain started to show up in your face again. I am so sorry for the pain Melina. Birthday's, Anniversaries, holidays, all these will bring all the pain right to the surface again. It is normal Melina. Sadly it is indescibably painful but so normal at the same time. I do want to offer you the hope that one day a Birthday will come and you will all feel nothing but warmth and comfort in rememberance of what you all had versus what you all lost. Unfortunately, no-one can tell you when this happens, pin-point an exact reference of time. It just is so in time, however much and however long it takes. I know the utter lonliness you speak of Melina. I wish I could make it so you did feel it and take it all away for you. Sadly, I can not and only offer my understanding and support, and a long distance electronic HUG. I hear your fears that you do not think you are capable of being the matriarch of the family. Ever since your Thyge has died you already have been. IN time, I hope you see your strength that you show to us consistently. I am thinking of a poem that I am going to give a link to in hopes it speaks to you as it did me. You are making total sense Melina. IN time, you will find and let people in who you can call, who you can share with, I did and I believe you can too. I want to close by thanking you for the trust you have bestowed upon us and feeling like you are being negative and post anyhow. That takes courage, that takes a quality that a matriarch would have. I see nothing but positive in your post Melina. Acknowledging your pain, allowing yourself to feel the pain sharing your pain,is being "positive" AS painful as this is Melina, it is also healing, it is movement along this path. Each time the pain blindsides us, it feels less painful and easier to move through because each time we learn, we lighten our load, we express our pain, and we attain more healing. I am moved to tears just now thinking on how positive your post is and how it is a huge step in your healing. I give you a standing ovation and I hope you will join me. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann The Oak Tree by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr A mighty wind blew night and day It stole the oak tree's leaves away Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark Until the oak was tired and stark But still the oak tree held its ground While other trees fell all around The weary wind gave up and spoke. How can you still be standing Oak? The oak tree said, I know that you Can break each branch of mine in two Carry every leaf away Shake my limbs, and make me sway But I have roots stretched in the earth Growing stronger since my birth You'll never touch them, for you see They are the deepest part of me Until today, I wasn't sure Of just how much I could endure But now I've found, with thanks to you I'm stronger than I ever knew

Dear DebFromLodi, Thank you for sharing such a sacred a tender moment in your life. How wonderful that your Mother was able to rally so and let you feel her love for you so grand. A treasured moment, and memory for you to take forward with you in life forever. I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom and the pain that gives rise to. Know that I understand and hold you in gentle thought and prayer. Courage to you. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Tammy, As I have said from the moment I met you I am inspired by your ability and willingness to see the positives and the beauty in each day, alongside the pain of loosing Jeff. It is such a testment to me of the love you and Jeff shared. I thank you from the depths of my heart for your courage and standing true to what brings you happiness. I also find reason in every day to say and believe Life is Good, Melissa would have wanted that for me too. In fact, it was a daily ritual for Melissa and I at the end of each day to talk about what was good in our day. Even when I felt the crushing pain as I did last evening when I washed and waxed my motorcycle for the last time, in preparation to sell it, reflecting on all my bike is to me, how much it was part our life together, I still saw and felt the joy of earlier in the day picking my friend "Harley" a golden lab at the SPCA up to go for a walk with me around a local lake trail. I still felt the joy of watching "Harley" feel the freedom of being out of his cage and in nature and chasing the frisbee and looking at me when it landed in the skunk cabbage patch as if to say NOPE not going to get it now. The eagerness and happiness on his face as I fetched the frisbee with a stick lit up my heart. I believe we can experience the crushing pain of loss and still see beauty, goodness, hope in our day and life. I do believe though it is a choice. In this way Tammy I believe that you and I think alike. There is joy to feel alongside the crushing pain of loss but it doesn't come looking for us. We have to make the effort to find it. Like last night when I was feeling such a crushing pain with knowing that was the last time I would ever wash and wax my bike and a symbolic letting go of Melissa all over again. I could have chose to be alone in my pain and suffer in silence. I decided to email a very dear friend and share my pain, and then chose to go and watch the sunset, come home and have a good soak in the tub and listen to Floyd Cramer..yeah I know it dates me..but hey I love his music, as I was in the tub I recorded my own voice and talked to Melissa as if she was there. Then before bed, I checked email and there were two from my dear friend, offering encouragement and support. My pain felt less and easier to bear. For myself, it is when I am inactive in my own healing that the pain feels unsurvivable! So Tammy, yes, as for myself as always your posts inspire me and give birth to yet even more hope, thank you. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Shelley, Oh my gosh, I am sorry that I did not read this thread until this very moment. Gosh, such a weight to carry for so long. I seem to want to refer you back to Marty's post in this thread on May 31st last year. The upcoming family session is already going to be "enough" to get through in my thinking. I think you have given your siblings ample time to contribute to this decision already and they haven't. Perhaps at this Family session, you could just simply state" And in regards to our parents remains, I have been trying to include you all in the decision of what to do, because I love you all, but the fact that none of you have offered any feedback, and to continue to not have anything done is to much of weight for me and hinders my healing, so I have decided to do...and then state what that is...and if then they have some input ..FINALLY...just be firm and say... no not up for discussion any more..I offered that already...just wanted to let you all know what was happening. It is sad but true Shelley that someone always has to be the "leader" and more and more I see that in your Family, that the "leader" is you. In any event, I support what ever it is that feels "right" for you and offers you "healing" Gosh....((((HUGS)))) Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Shelley, Thank you for sharing this with me. I want to remind you that it is OK and perfectly understandable when suicidal ideation comes up for you, and I think it wise to reach out when it comes up, and we don't have to act on the "feeling" as with all "feeling states" they do pass. I also want to remind you that I was once right where you are in your path of healing and I no longer have suicidal ideation at all. I have Faith that you will get to where I am too! I want you to know that I would feel tremendous pain and sorrow if you acted on your feeling. I am so PROUD of you for talking about it, acknowledging it, and allowing your therapist, and all of us here to help you with it. I see you working very hard Shelley and I hope you are giving yourself a "standing ovation" because I am. You are deserving of the support that your therapist, myself and others are giving you. You a treasured and valuable woman that never did anything wrong, all the wrong was "done to you" I tear up with joy to think on what you are giving to yourself, the permission and choice to " HEAL" It is my joy and honour to witness and I thank you for your "trust" of me. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

HI Shelley, I just want to say it is OK to do what feels RIGHT for you. I am PROUD of you for listening to what you needed to do for yourself. It is OK to put your needs first. Blessings and Courge, Carol Ann

Dear Melina, I am so sorry for the unexpected pain that is part of this path. It does suck! It is unfair! I am so relieved to see another post from you. I want to acknowledge your courage and I am PROUD of you. I wish I could tell you that it will never happen again but I can't. It is my belief it is a life-long committment and path to travel and face, one fraught with unimaginable pain and sorrow, which I believe needs to be expressed, and then we see life as something we want to engage in again, and even feel joy again, and each time the pain blind sides us it is a little easier to face because of the wisdom we gained from the last time. I look at my path in grief and loss as every bit as sacred as any other path in life. It deserves my attention and greatest of care. To me, when I allow myself to face the pain head on and find the courage to express it and lighten my load; I am respecting the life that Melissa and I shared together, and I am respecting "me" I am giving myself the "gift of healing" and I know my Melissa rests in even "greater peace" knowing I am allowing this "gift" to myself and "us" Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Melina, I am so sorry for the unexpected pain that is part of this path. It does suck! It is unfair! I am so relieved to see another post from you. I want to acknowledge your courage and I am PROUD of you. I wish I could tell you that it will never happen again but I can't. It is my belief it is a life-long committment and path to travel and face, one fraught with unimaginable pain and sorrow, which I believe needs to be expressed, and then we see life as something we want to engage in again, and even feel joy again, and each time the pain blind sides us it is a little easier to face because of the wisdom we gained from the last time. I look at my path in grief and loss as every bit as sacred as any other path in life. It deserves my attention and greatest of care. To me, when I allow myself to face the pain head on and find the courage to express it and lighten my load; I am respecting the life that Melissa and I shared together, and I am respecting "me" I am giving myself the "gift of healing" and I know my Melissa rests in even "greater peace" knowing I am allowing this "gift" to myself and "us" Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Marty, Your welcome and THANK YOU for sharing this wonderful piece of wisdom with us. As you know one of my current challenges is facing the fact that I can no longer ride my bike. To express all that brings up, and all that means for me I would need a lifetime. That is how BIG this change is for me to address. And yet, as difficult and as painful as it is it feels also like a blessing. More and more I see the true and pure love that Melissa and I shared and the fact I had to stop riding was the birth of more clarity and more assurance that Melissa's choice to suicide was not a statement at all about "us" I have always felt I needed to look outside of myself for strength, for safety, for wisdom, and for love. For it did not feel safe to be "me" nor did I feel "I" had value. My tears of late are about the fact that Melissa is not here now to see and feel that I feel safe to be "me" and that "I" value "me" and I see what she always hoped I would. It hurts that I can not share with her this wonderful news and see her smile. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/grief-healing-and-the-one-to-two-year-myth/ I wanted to share this link with you all. It is my belief that our loss is a life-long healing process. It is not something that we find closure to or an end to, it is my belief that we can find hope in life again and a desire to live it again, and even find joy again and the amount of time we need is ultimately a non-issue for the time we need is just that time without a definitive amount...it just is...these are my thoughts and beliefs..... Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Melina, I want to add my voice to Lainey's and Gail's and say that you are so normal.. there is no set time limit, what we feel, when we feel, it is what it is. I have been through so much in my life and have never experienced the kindness, the support, the understanding, the tolerance, the wisdom that I have here on this site. I agree with Gail, that the world for the most part would rather just sweep all the darkness and pain under the carpet. It breaks my heart that you are feeling and thinking this way. I think the more we as humans can be real and truly state how we are feeling and doing will lead to great change in how he world views loss and the ensuing pain and healing and more pain and more healing. Melina, I hope you rethink and find the courage and just let it flow out of you here. I welcome you here however you are feeling, for how long, it does not matter to me. I agree with Gail, and encourage you to not give something up when you need it most.....it is a sad sad reality but even some people who are professionals in the therapy world do not know how to react around people in a lot of pain. I can not say enough good about this site here and Marty, truly an angel from God in my thinking! I have beared my soul here on this site and not that long ago was feeling the pain of loosing Melissa unlike I had never felt it before. I was not told to leave this site or that i was bringing anyone down but rather I received nothing but support and messages from people thanking me for being so honest, so open, it helped them get in touch with their own courage. Oh Melina, there is no right or wrong way, there are no rules to follow. I will miss you a lot! Courge and Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Di, I can't say that I ever felt this fear. I have kept a memory journal of our life together and continue to add to it after 7 years. I may be the odd one out here but for me even though Melissa is dead she very much is still part of my life but now is in a spiritual sense. It is overwhelming and such joy at times to feel her so strongly near to me that I weep with joy. I think that is one of the reason's why it is hard for me to give up my bike. Melissa and I loved to get away on the bike and go camping in remote areas, where it was just her and I, and nature and all the life that brings. I remember this one time in particular, we had gone to this lake up in the mountains, and the ride up was beautiful beyond belief. AFter we got the tent and camp all set up, we went for about a two hour hike, had dinner, the sun was gone, the stars were out, the campfire burning, I got out my guitar and started to play twinkle twinkle little star. Melissa asked me to stop playing and come and stand with her by the lake, so there we were arm in arm at the lake, Melissa said now it is perfect, I looked at her and said what do you mean, she said now the Light in you is shining on the lake too and you feed my soul more than any star up in the sky. Oh dear Di, I think the memories come as we need them and your Glenn resides within your soul and heart forever. When I say to those that are greiving that it gets easier with time, I don't mean it is because your memories fade, what I mean is time eases our pain, and we can see again our love what we had, what it was, in all it's glory. Rachel ~ thank you for sharing your memory with us. It warmed my heart. Mary ~ writing ~ is a tool ~ we can use to help us greive and to record forever our life and love togeher. It warms my heart that you have experienced and use this tool too. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Mary, Thank you for letting us know how you are feeling so we might offer some support and understanding to help you feel a little less alone with your pain. I do hope in time you can let go of the judgements about what you think you should have done/could have done. I believe each one of us does the best we can in each and every moment and that is all we can ask of our self. You are not a doctor, it is hard to go against someone who holds a higher authority or knowledge than our self. Hindsight is always 20/20 but hindsight is what follows after we know all, foresight is seeing without knowing all, so it is not fair to judge our self by only seeing in hindsight. I relate to what you are saying about it not being just a one day, one year anniversary. I am sorry that this is your experience as well. Mine starts every year on the anniversary that my three Uncles sexually assaulted my Melissa to make a statement against the fact I am gay and a disgusting piece of trash, there words not mine, and continues through to the anniversary of Melissa's choice to suicide. I would like to offer you some hope that for myself this last anniverary period was one filled with the joy of remembering of what I had versus what I lost. It was the 7th anniversary period for me. So where I am in my journey now, anniversaries bring a feeling of warmth and joy rather than pain and saddness. I found your words to be very clear to us. I also encourage you to ramble as much and as often as you need. I will be holding you in gentle thought and prayer. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Shelley, I am holding you close in gentle prayer and thought. I want to tell you that the local women's centre where I live is a resource for me that is free. They also have a 24/hr crisis line to phone if you need emotional support that is free as well. I wonder if your community has a woman's centre that would offer you that too, in addition to your therapist. The other thing is to let your therapist know your financial struggle and perhaps she has a sliding fee to accomodate you. I was having trouble affording my therapy too, and when I found the courage and let my therapist know she did reduce her fee quite significatnly, and then went on to register herself with a program in British Columbia called "Stopping the Violence", and now my therapy is free. Based on what I know of your history, you would qualify for this program. Perhaps you could ask your therapist if there is any such program where you live. I know how hard this is Shelley and I want to encourge you by letting you know that I made through the stage of healing that you are now in. I want to remind you that you have done nothing wrong and that you are safe now. ((((HUGS)))) Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann