Rosemary T

Hi CC, For now I have not been around any of the friends that Lou and I had together that much. There are a few but only once or twice and only for a few hours. I am on Day 40 and still don't feel like being around people much. One thing I am learning about this is that everyone is different and there is no right or wrong way or timeline for grief. Unless you have a place down here that really feels like home, maybe you should wait before coming. But then again, who knows, it might do you good. You are VERY lucky to have your daughters I would think. I did not have children with Lou so maybe I am mistaken that this would help. I do know that the little comfort I get is from keeping VERY busy and also from being near family (which I don't have very much of at all). I think your heart will tell you when to take the next step. For now, do what feels best to you and don't let anyone (even well meaning friends and family) push you into doing things you are not ready for. Regardless of how much these other people love you they cannot fully understand your pain because your relationship with Cal was yours alone and unique to the two of you. I hope I am posting this correctly; I am new at this and sometimes can't find the newest post or reply without looking for awhile. I am also blonde, maybe that is part of it. Rosemary

Thanks Fred, Marlene, & KC You all really are so kind. I feel like everyone is so far ahead of me (your time has been longer) so I know I need to be patient with myself. I hope I am where you all are at eventually. I am starting to think that I should meet up with folks like you (grief group) in person. But then again, I don't know. Is this online way of "venting" better or are face-to-face interactions good also? Thanks for being here! Rosemary

Hi Gail, I read your post and it hit home for me because today was a bad day for me too. Today is day 37 and I had gone a day or two without breaking down but for some odd reason today on the ride home I just started thinking about how Lou and I would always talk on the phone the whole way home. Now the phone is silent. I miss my Lou so much. Gail, if you get a chance can you tell what you do concentrate on during the good days? I can't find anything except work to focus on and I have to tell you it is a very poor substitute! I keep thinking "what am I here for?". Thanks for sharing your feelings so candidly; believe it or not it helps me to know I am not alone. Morbid to be glad to hear of someone else's pain. Sorry! I guess I am just too new at this. Sometimes I wonder if I should even reply to others; I don't want to bring folks down even more! Rosemary

I have been looking over some of the replies I have made to others and am really thinking I am not being a positive contributor. I read others posts and you all have so many comforting things to say. I seem only able to identify and add more worry and concern rather than any words of wisdom. Today marks day 36 and I guess because I do not have children to focus on (my husband and I did not have any) I just am drifting (sort of like Walt was saying about the song). I really don't see how my life is going to have any real purpose now. I go to work, I clean house, I "piddle" in the yard but really....what does all of this matter? No one really needs me and if anything were to happen to me, I would not really have anyone that I could really rely on because they all have other people in their life that are more important. I guess that is the real problem. I was #1 to Lou and I lived for him. Now that he is gone, I am not #1 to anyone anymore and don't seem to have anyone that really needs me; they all have someone else. It's sad. Rosemary

Scotty! This is what I love about reading these posts; it validates my own thinking. I also seem to be preoccupied with my own death and mortality. I have been thinking about making some funeral arrangements now and have been toying with the idea of long term care and such. I am only 46! The only thing that makes me wonder if I am a bit different is that others here seem to all have a child to focus on. I did not have children with my husband and it seems like there is really no one there that really needs me. I feel like such an outsider. Today marks the 36 day that my Lou was taken from me. Without him life just seems so meaningless. Like you I am trying to keep busy. Be grateful you have a daughter to be there for and who will be there for you when your time does come. Rosemary

It is so good to know that I am not the only one with "Hospital Issues". I live close to the hospital that my dear Lou died of a massive heart attack at just 33 days ago. I find myself driving by it at least once a week and it is horrible! I can see the emergency room entrance where I parked the car to get him inside. I can see the lines of wheel chairs sitting outside that door and remember how he was sitting in one of those with me right behind him when the massive heart attack hit. I have not had to go into this place lately and will certainly try to avoid it in the future but driving by it is so painful! I feel for you and am now wondering how my future visits to any hospital for any reason are going to go. Rosemary

Bob, Kathy, & KayC After coming in late this evening, (I work long hours to exhaust myself and to pay bills!) I get great comfort from reading your posts. Bob actually made me smile (just a bit and only for a moment but it is a start). I am so surprised at the number of people who die suddenly from heart attacks! I guess I never knew how prevelant it is. Thanks so much for sharing your own experiences along with words of comfort. It helps to know that others out there are in the same boat. Rosemary

Hi Carolyn, I lost my husband, soul mate and best friend 28 days ago and he sounds as if he was related to your Cal. With all the horrible people alive in the World taking people like my Lou and your Cal just does not make sense to me. I have to really learn to trust that God does everything for a reason. Are you still living in Flordia? I live in Orlando and my husband was known by so many people for the exact behavior you describe in Cal. Everyone here says the hurt gets better, Carolyn. I am hoping they are right. I am so lost and alone without the man who put me first in every way and lived to make me happy. It sounds like you and I have lost a part of ourselves. That is what it feels like to me anyway. I did not have any children with Lou so I really do feel even more alone because I do not have to be strong for anyone. Believe it or not Carolyn, while you are posting here in hopes to get some relief from your heartache, you really are helping others as well. You are helping me because your grief is so new and fresh I feel as though I can relate to you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Rosemary

Bob, I read your post and something you said really hit home with me and that was the fact that I was holding on to an illusion of death being far in the future. You are so right. I think that is what is making this so hard for me to accept; it just came too soon. I also appreciate what you said about reconnecting and that it gets easier the more you do it. I am such a big chicken, I avoid pain at all costs. I am thinking that I will lose more than I gain if I keep that attitude up but I also am thankful that you and the rest of the group acknowledge that I must take my own time. When I read some of the posts where some folks in here have been without their loved one for a year or more and the pain is still so fresh, it scares me. I wonder if I will be able to take this pain for that long without "snapping". Right now I just do things for "today" and try not to think of tomorrow or further out at all. I admire you for your way of looking at your wife's slow death. You said it gave you time to get used to the idea. Perhaps that is the key; finding something positive in every situation. I hope to get where you are one day. Rosemary

Hi Gail, Well now I don't feel so bad about breaking down and crying over the stupidest things. Yesterday it was in front of a tree man who was trimming my husband's favorite Palm tree. The day before that it was in the middle of the grocery store when I looked in my basket and noticed those few little items instead of the large quantity of "stuff" that I used to get excited about because I loved preparing treats and meals for Lou. I even broke down in front of the Sear's man who came to look at the washer. Lou could do anything around the house and having to have someone else (a stranger) do these things and me not know if I am getting ripped off or not just makes me mad and sad. The only thing is that it has only been 24 days for me. You are talking about over a year. I am wondering if I can take this pain for that long? Rosemary

Thanks Corrine, I am feeling angry at times (at my husband) for leaving me and he certainly would not have done so willingly. Of course he was also not suffering so maybe that would have been an option if he had been in a lot of pain or distress. Were you angry at your husband or did you understand his decision? Rosemary Hi Art, Yes, right now I don't feel like socializing at all. Work and home is pretty much all I want. I feel badly that some of the people my husband and I were closest to are the very ones I seem to shut out the most. It is just too painful because they remind me too much of what I DON'T have anymore. I hope they will forgive me and at least try to understand. They want so much to be helpful and I just can't bring myself to let them. Rosemary

Today marks the 3rd week that my husband died of a massive heart attack. It was very unexpected (everyone thought he would them; me included) even though he was 66. He was healther, had more energy and was in better shape than people half his age. I feel so guilty wondering if I could have done more. I made sure he went to the doctor all the time and even demanded an EKG the last time he was there but they said he was fine (just indigestion and heartburn). I was with him in the emergency room (complaining of chest pain) when he had the heart attack and I refused to leave his side until several hours after he was pronounced dead. I continue to wonder, should I have insisted on him seeing a cardiologist despite what his doctor said? Should I have insisted he retire when I noticed that the owner of the business was using him as a personal caretaker and emotionally upsetting him because my husband loved him so much and thought he should do everytbing for him (the man had enough money to hire cooks, chefs, drivers, etc but only wanted my husband)? Should I have insisted on dialing 911 instead of driving him as he requested? We had no children together and I am 21 years younger. He always was stronger, wiser, and more energetic than I. He always put me first and made me so happy. The memorial service for him was packed. People actually stood outside the funeral home on the sidewalk peering in through the windows. Everyone who spoke said he was the most loving, compassionate man they had ever met. Part of me feels good to hear it but in other ways it just makes me so mad and so sad because my whole life centered around him and now he is gone. I have no purpose for going on. I don't care about much of anything and am just going through the motions because I feel like I don't have a choice. Today I decided it might help me to post all of these feelings. I have read some of the posts here and I wonder if I will ever feel better like some of you do or if I will just stay in this frame of mind until I pass on to join him. I am not suicidal (I don't believe it is the right thing to do) but I have to admit that if I were taken suddenly I don't think I would mind much. At least the hurting would stop. I think. I miss my Lou. Rosemary T