Rosemary T

Melanie, I also lost my husband and have no children. My husband died of a massive heart attack last January. I did not eat or sleep for days and lost about 30 lbs. Besides looking and feeling like death warmed over, it has taken everything for me to simply get up. Our animals feel the loss very strongly; my vet says they actually grieve as much or more than we do they just show it much differently. Keeping checking in here and write whatever you want, whenever you want. Don't worry about sounding wierd or offending anyone. We understand! Sleep whenever you can. Walk your dog alot! It is good for both of you and will give you an appetite and help you sleep. Talk to you soon! Rosemary One more quick note, Melanie. I did not want anyone around me for days after Lou died and even now there are few people I want to be with and then only on my terms and only for awhile. We are all different. Some people stay away because they don't want to intrude. Others stay away because they are afraid of your grief and feel helpless and don't know what to say or do. Others are simply selfish and don't care. Keep in touch with us for some company. Take your time with everything; be extra gentle with yourself. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Rosemary

Kim, Right this very minute (5:12pm on Saturday)I lifted your mother-in-law (Karen) and your two children (Josh and Missy) up in prayer. I am in such deep depression right now; it seems as though God has his reasons for allowing me to suffer (I try not to question) so I thought that surely he would answer this specific request. I am told he answers all requests (not always in the time or manner that we hope for)and it would give me great comfort to know that someone out there is getting some relief. I have prayed for health but most of all comfort and peace for all of you. Take care, Rosemary

This is odd....I get better sleep now (I work really hard for long hours) but when I do wake up it is also around 1:30. I wonder what's up with that? The first 7 nights after Lou's death I slept a total of 27 hours! That is less than 4 hours on average for a week! I was like a zombie. Everyone kept telling me to go "get something from a doctor" but I refused. Eventually sleep came, but it still is not the same and I am at 319 days now! Like Mike, I also wonder about being alone for the rest of my life. The odd thing is though that when I try to imagine being with someone else it makes me feel sick. So, I am scared of being so alone for the rest of whatever time I have left, but can't stomach the thought of letting anyone else "take Lou's place" or even "fill the void". Isn't that also odd? I had an Aunt whose husband died in the war (WWII)only a few days after they married. She was pregnant at the time. Never again did she remarry or even date. She was in her late 80's when she passed away. That is a long time but she seemed quite content to just be there for her son and his family. Gives a person a lot to think about. Rosemary

Gosh Mississippi, I don't really know what to say except I can see your dilemma. I am trying to think if I were your Mom how I would feel and this is basically it: If I came home and the tree was up, I would not be upset. I would want you (my daughter) to do what made you feel better and I would so appreciate the fact that you could do this without demanding that I get involved. Who knows....I might even find myself "enjoying" the tree a little bit one evening while I read, meditate, or just watch some TV. You are right, both of you feel the grief differently and will want to deal with it differently. I know that I do best when others allow me to deal or not deal whatever I feel like at the time. I hope you have someone (a third party) who is not caught up in this that you can really talk to so that during the times your mother does not want to "deal" you still have a place to go. Eventually, (if not already) the two of you will be each other's biggest support. I wish you the best and would love to hear back from you after the Holidays about how the two of you worked around this very tough time. Take care, Rosemary Sherry and Mike, Thanks so much for your very kind response. This feeling of not being very close to many people is unfortunately nothing new. As the child of an alcoholic, I learned early on to keep my distance. I get close to very few people by choice so I really don't expect to have too many close relationships. This forum allows me to build some close relationships (at least some cyber ones!) in connection with my grief which is exactly what I need. I give my ALL to those few people that I do allow in which is what helped make my marriage so successful (along with the fact that I had the best husband any woman could ever asked for). I don't think I would have the energy to give this 200% if I allowed too many people in close! In any case, thanks you two (and those who responded privately as well!); you all are a great support. Take care, Rosemary

Mike, Everytime I read a post from you I am amazed at your strength! You are doing Janet such an honor in the way you keep her memory alive by cherishing the things she loved. Lou did not really love Christmas (his mother died on Christmas Day when he was very young) but was such a good sport about helping me decorate the house and put up the tree and lights. I will not only NOT decorate this year, but I won't even celebrate at all. I will sit at home and watch some TV, read, iron, work on the computer, whatever..... I don't have any children to have to appease so I can get away with it I guess. Now reading Mike's post....I feel guilty and selfish. I seem to have "shut out" the few people who do care about me. Thank goodness there aren't too many!

Funny, I also had some of those well-meaning relatives who think they know so much that I got pretty angry with. Two days after Lou died I got a call at the house from a voice I had never heard. The person asked "is Lieutenant there?" Well my husband and his son are both named Lieutenant. Lou’s son had very little to do with him; always too busy to do much more than pick up the phone every two weeks or so unless he needed something of course, then he was there constantly to beg. Anyway, my nerves were already frazzled from having to take care of everything from the disposition of the body, to the cremation, to planning and paying for the service that I really snapped when I asked "Who are you and why are you calling". I just can't stand people who call my house and simply demand to speak to someone without identifying themselves! I think it is so rude, but maybe that is just my hang-up. Anyway, I found out this was some distant cousin looking for Lou's son. I informed him quite abruptly that the son did not and had never lived at our home and "no, I do not know how to get in touch with him, I was busy trying to lay my husband's body to rest, thank you very much". Apparently my rudeness to him was totally misinterpreted. I would not have minded if he has simply thought that I was a "rude" or "unpleasant" person. Instead, he decided to comment at the service that I must not be very "distraught" about my husband's death considering the way I spoke to him. Apparently I should have just been overjoyed to get phone calls from people who were looking for someone else and who had never spent a day in his life spending any time with his uncle and obviously did not know his cousin well enough to even know how to reach him. People are unbelievable in their attitude toward those who have been left behind. They seem to have this knack for thinking they have the expertise to decide how we should all behave and feel. We need lessons from them in the proper way to conduct ourselves both during and after the death. Ok, I am done being a "B" and just want you to know that "whatever" you did and for "whatever" reason you did it, you owe an explanation to NO ONE! Be true to thine self! You and your husband know how much you meant to each other and how much the loss of him affects you. No one else matters! Take care!

I guess that is why I almost wish I was much older. I just have such a hard time envisioning living like this for very long. Since I am 46 and in pretty good health I may have a few years of this miserable existance. I would love to think that one day I might get to the point that I look forward to life but right now I have to tell you that Kay's remark about putting one foot in front of the other until we get to the "other side" is about all I can think of. Maybe there are some people that never really recover and just "waste away". Remember that old saying? The "wasting away" disease sometimes meant cancer but it could also result from a broken heart. Rosemary

Teny, We will all pray! Maybe it will be a boy and they can name him after his grandfather! Wouldn't that be a nice tribute? Let us know how the tests go! Rosemary

I also lost a lot of weight (not that I couldn't stand to!) but what has really changed is I just look sad and worn out. I see that person in the mirror and she does not look like the old Rosemary I used to know. My eyes look empty, without twinkle, and all the lines in my face look deeper. Saddness and grief age a person; I am living proof.

Beautiful and very meaningful to me Dusky! Thanks so much for sharing this. I am copying and printing off. It will become my new tradition. Nancy, I see you reading this evening and have not noticed you posting....maybe I just missed you. Hope you are finding some comfort on this forum this lonely Thanksgiving evening. Rosemary

Fred, Looks like we are both on right now! It is good to just help someone cry sometimes. That is what I use this forum for. I am learning to just "be" right now. Boy is it hard. Today was very difficult because this was Lou's favorite Holiday. I did nothing and make no apologies. The people who care about me (few and far between) understood, the rest did not.....oh well. I also am careful about relationships but then I always have been. This means that I must get very used to lonliness between now and when I am finally finished. Who knows when that will be. I save my caring and helpfulness for stray animals that I happen to come into contact with (not too many but enough to keep me busy!) and the wildlife (raccoons, rabbits, squirrels, birds, etc). That is about the only thing that gives me any real sense of purpose. I guess that will do. Happy thankgiving to those of you still on tonight. One more day done. Rosemary

Walt, I am only 10 months in but I think there is a big difference between grief, cherishing the departed, and missing the departed. At least to me there is. I cherish many people and the memories I have of them. These people may be dead or alive but apart from me. I enjoy thinking about the time I spent with them and these memories bring me joy and happiness. My spouse is someone I will always cherish. I miss many people. Some of them are departed by death and some are simply not in my life anymore for a variety of reasons. I miss them, but feel as though I can make a very productive life without them there and can be happy. My grandmother was a wonderful woman that I miss. I also cherish her memory but I no longer grieve for her. To me, grief is different. This may not be true for others on this site but for me grief is sorrow, loneliness, a terrible void. Grief is hurting and feeling as though my life will never be the same. For me grief is physically and mentally painful. My grief makes me feel as though I have no future; nothing matters, I am lost. I have grieved for people before (but NEVER like this)and I have moved on. I still grieve for Lou and I am not sure I will ever fully move on the way I have from the grief I have suffered in the past. This grief is different from anything I have ever known. This pain is worse than any I have ever known. I am in a black hole of depression most of the time and VERY FEW people (even thoughs who see me daily) have any idea of this depression. I hide things very well so no one really knows. In fact the only people that I do think have a CLUE are people like you Walt. Thank you for letting me know that this is normal. If you are still feeling this almost 4 years in then I guess I am not that different after all. It "stinks" to be part of this group, I have to tell you but it is also comforting to know that I am not the only one going through this. Rosemary

I guess because for the first 7 months after Lou's death I was totally alone (even that very first night that I left his body at the hosital)I sure got to my grief very quickly. I still worked the same long hours (I went back to work 10 days after he died) but instead of coming home to his cheery laughter, the house was dark. It was still winter time so it was dark outside too. I would spend the few hours I was home feeding the raccoons, filling the bird feeders, taking care of my cats and then I would shower, eat and fall into bed. The next morning I was up at 4:45 am and would bring out the garbage, make my lunch for the day, pack my things for school and perhaps the YMCA if I could squeeze in a few hours and then in the dark still, I would head to work. All that time alone and in the dark gave me so much time to think about Lou and what I had lost. I refused to listen to any music (don't ask me why but I just can't listen to it anymore) and rarely had the TV on. I was just too busy praying, reading the bible and falling asleep exhausted after all I had to do. Lou was such a BIG help with everything...it was really hard doing it all myself. The toilet in our Master Bath started to leak a month after he died. I had to take the entire thing apart (I mean the entire tank with all the inside workings) three times before I finally got it right. I have been doing things I never thought I could. But instead of taking any real pride in my accomplishments I am just SAD SAD SAD that he isn't here with me. Do I really care that the toilet leaks or the house is dirty or the garbage needs to go out? NO!!!!! But....what else is there to do? I just keep thinking....how dare the world keep going on with Lou being gone? I switch between anger at the World and God, to just an ache for my Lou who will never be back. Thanks for posting this topic. I needed to vent! Rosemary

Wendy, I just prayed for your mother and you. Please let us know how her test comes out so that we can offer another prayer of thanks in his answer. Rosemary

I am also an animal lover (Lou used to call me "Ellie May" because of all the "critters" I tried to rescue and take care of. For a short time we had 3 dogs and 3 cats. Within 3 years before Lou's death one cat and all 3 dogs passed on. It was very strange because only one of the animals was old. The others got sick despite excellent medical care and died or had to be put down. Now when I think back, I wonder if this was intentional. There is NO WAY I would have been able to care for our dogs with Lou not here to help. I work many hours and also have a longer commute than he did and because my animals would not have been allowed to suffer, my career and my health would have. Now I only have 2 cats (plus 2 strays that someone decided to dump outside my home) to take care of. This is much easier since they do not need to be walked and have each other for company when I am gone. Pets are like family to those of us who love them. My Lou was so loving and kind to all animals and our pets loved him dearly. It was a blessing that they went before my Lou because with no family to count on I had to do everything. I would love to believe that they were there waiting on Lou when he passed on and that they are all together. I miss them all and can identify with your pain. People who don't have pets that they really bond with have no idea how much grief the loss of a pet can cause. My thoughts are with you. Rosemary

Wow! What did Lou think of me? I knew because he told me so often but I was always amazed at what he believed! I did not see most of it but felt so flattered that he did.... First Lou got this one right: He was number one. He knew I loved him and would defend him to anyone at any time. If there was any person that did not treat Lou right or give him the respect and honor he deserved, they got NOTHING from me. It did not matter if they knew me first or if they were family.....they either were kind, considerate, and appreciative of Lou or they caught my wrath. No one could hurt my Lou! Second, Lou thought I was smart. He was constantly bragging on how smart I was....Lou worked the fields as a poor child in the late 40's and early 50's (years before I was even born) and did not get very far in school He had more wisdom than most people I knew but he was so impressed with education (I got my Doctor's degree after we were married). Like most people I realize that those pieces of paper are not hard to come by if you have a little intestinal fortitude and some time and money to spend. Some of the stupidest people I know are well educated but Lou was proud of me for it so I had to feel good about it as well. Third, Lou thought I was a great cook. He loved the food I made for him and friends and family. He bragged to everyone at work and on his bowling leagues that I would cook for him every day regardless of how busy I was because I knew how much he loved home cooked food. He said the only woman whose food was as good was his mother's! That was quite a compliment! Fourth, Lou thought I was strong. I grew up as the child of an alcholic so I learned early on to take care of myself and not rely on others for anything. If I thought something was unfair or that I was being taken advantage of I would take a hold of it like a dog with a favorite bone and not let up until I got what I thought I had coming. I would not allow others to take advantage of me and refused to enable what I considered "victim mentality" or people who did not want to have to suffer consequences for their actions. It did not matter who the person was, I believed and stressed personal accountability and a no excuses attitude. I felt empowered by Lou's love which made me seem even stronger I'm sure. Finally (and this is what always amazed me the most), Lou thought I was beautiful. I am not beauty queen but to hear from Lou you would think I was the next Super Model. Even with my hair sticking up, no make up on and sleep in my eyes, that man thought I was attractive. How I loved him for that! Rosemary

Lou loved me and never let me down. He never betrayed me in any way. To feel as though I were loved so unconditionally was something I NEVER had; not even as a child from my parents. Lou put me first 100% of the time. He would do without so that I could have.....even sports and relaxing after a hard day came 2nd to doing whatever he thought would please me. Lou made me feel safe. As long as he was with me I did not care how anything else was working out. He would laugh at me when we got lost on a trip because I never got upset...why? Because I told him that as long as I was with him, I was never lost or late. I was exactly where I was supposed to be at that moment in time. Nothing could hurt me or scare me when he was with me. He was scared of nothing which gave me courage as well! Lou brought out the best in me. I was damaged goods when he got me...not very patient, not very kind, and not very trusting. He changed me and made me better; not by telling me or pushing me but by showing me. I am a better person because of Lou. Lou made me feel good about myself. He ignored the "bad" and made much "ta do" about the good; making the good sound great and the great seem tremendous. I liked who I was because of how he saw me. Rosemary

Jenn, Right now you are filled with so much pain....I hear myself in your words. Lou was just like your husband. Full of life, kind to everyone, wise beyond what his education or life experiences should ever have allowed, but here I am (no where near as worthy as he was to have more time on earth and certainly not as appreciative for the little things like he was)to keep going while he who would have still given so much to so many is gone. Life and Death are very mysterious. I had someone tell me (after listening to me say EXACTLY what you are saying) that maybe God took Lou to spare him anymore suffering because he was such a kind and good person. Maybe he left me here because I need to suffer a bit more before I grow into the person that God wants me to be. Perhaps he still has some work to do on me before I am "worthy" to check out and be totally at peace and pain free. It is so difficult for us with our small and infinite minds to comprehend the reason that anything happens especially if we believe that an omnipotent and all knowing, awesome, God is in charge. Please believe me when I tell you I am constantly questioning God and even on occasion his very existence. I do not have a lot of faith and spirituality like some of the people who check in here. I do however believe that there is a power greater than myself who has control over things (at least I am believing this at this particular moment)and all of this will make perfect sense in the end. But what to do in the meantime while I scream, cry, and have NO DESIRE to go on? We do anyway....and we stop every once in a while to listen to the "still small voice" to get some comfort and strength, hoping that the pain will diminish and that we will have more answers than questions soon. We wait and we go on because.....well really, what choice do we have? Keep posting, praying, meditating, and above all....hold your children close. See him in their eyes. Watch them sleep and know that he lives on in them...take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself....give yourself time to heal. Keep coming back. Thank you for sharing your grief.....it makes me feel a little less alone when I hear my thoughts and pain articulated through your words. God Bless, Rosemary

Mike, I agree with KayC about that! It is sometimes easier to deal with our own impending death than the death of our most precious one! I think it would have been much easier for me to think about dying and not being here (my only concern would have been my poor Lou) then what I am going through now which is being without him. I know for a fact how much Lou loved me and how sensitive he was and how guilty he felt about everyone's unhappiness or pain. He really did take ownership for everyone's life that he came into contact with. He would have been a total wreck living without me. Not just because he relied on me so much but mostly because he would have constantly been thinking about what he could have done to "save me". You seem like you were a terrific husband and BEST friend to your wife. Can you imagine the pain she would be in to have to go on without you? Of course we will never know but just as I am sure you are grateful that her physical suffing is over, you would do ANYTHING to prevent her from any other suffering as well, so maybe it is better that you were the one to handle that pain. Being without you would have made fighting that cancer look like a picnic! I like to believe that when good people like your wife and my husband pass on they become new beings with knowledge of their earthly life but because they are one with God they now can feel only joy and peace and total reassurance that eternity holds only goodness. We mortal beings are the ones left with these mortal feelings of pain, suffering, loss, uncertainty, etc. Rosemary

Hi Marsha, I can really relate to what you are saying. I am only a few years younger than you (47) but I also feel old as "dirt" most of the time. Its funny you mention about the World needing to stop. I think that was what just amazed me the most after Lou died. I was with him in the Hospital ER room when his heart attack happened and he died almost instantly. I went home to a house totally empty, laid in bed waiting for the sun to come up and was AMAZED that everything and everybody just went on as normal. The most wonderful person in the world had just died; my life had come to a complete stop (or so I wished) and people were still going about their daily lives. How could that be? I still look around in bewilderment most of the time as I see that things go on. How dare they? My parents (who are raising my niece) moved back from out of country about 7 months after Lou died and I think having them around does create a bit of diversion for me so I should be grateful but I have to tell you Marsha, that without my Lou I also feel like an "orphan". Family members have their own lives to lead and we are still alone in our pain. Even having great folks to talk to here on this site does not fill the void. I don't think anything ever will for some of us. Sorry to sound so depressing. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your feelings. Take care and keep checking back! Rosemary

Mary Linda, Funny you should mention your hubby disliking the holidays. My hubby loved Thanksgiving but he did not like Christmas. His mother died on Christmas Day when he was 4 years old. His father wasn't around so he ended up going to live with cousins. It was very hard for him. In any case Mary Linda, I am with you! These holidays are going to be very painful. If you were near me in Sunny Florida I would come sit and cry with you. Rosemary

Hi Jenn, My husband also died unexpectedly last January. Believe me when I tell you that you are not alone. I can identify with how you feel but of course cannot know exactly because no one but you had what you have. Each of us is unique and so is our grief. You will find that most people here have a better understanding of what you are going through though. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it might be a lot longer before you feel much better. It has been 281 days for me and all I can tell you is I go on auto all the time. Even when it seems to others that I am doing ok, I really am not. I am a little older than you and was with my Lou about twice as long. I did not, however, have any children with him. He was my only reason for living and right now I really do not know why I am here. I try not to think about it and just take it one day at a time and keep busy. Sounds like you are trying that too! Perhaps in time, your children will give you some joy in that you will see your husband in their faces. A piece of him lives on. Of course you love your children and they will bring you joy in their own right, but now your pain is probably overshadowing everything else. I bet you even have some guilt about not feeling "grateful" enough for your children! That is another part of this grief journey; the constant guilt about everything and anything. Keep checking in and posting and reading. You may decide to stay away for awhile but keep the site handy so you can always get back quickly. I sorry you have had to suffer this pain. I know there are millions of people that are giving so much less to the world than your hubby did. Why so many of the "best" ones have to go is a real mystery to most of us. Take care of yourself and hang in there! Rosemary

Just thought I would post a bit about my Holiday plans. I am not sure how many of you are dreading these next few months as much as I am. Lou died in January so this will be the first Thanksgiving and Christmas I spend without him. Some of you might remember that I once posted that I was totally alone (except for my two cats)for the first 7 months after Lou died. I am not sure if this was good or bad. In July my parents who had been living in Saudi Arabia with my neice came to stay with me. Not sure how long they will stay but for Christmas they are going to Ohio for two and a half weeks to take care of some business before returning. I have no plans to go there and have no plans to do anything over the Christmas Holidays. Even though my work place (I work for public schools) shuts down for the Holidays, I have the opportunity to work some if I wish (I might do that) and the rest of the time I will just "shut myself in" and take care of things around the house. Thanksgiving was always a HUGE holiday around my house before Lou died. We always celebrated on the Friday after Thanksgiving and I loved to cook and invite all of the people closest to Lou over. He absolutely loved that day and was so proud of my cooking and having his friends over to enjoy. Even though my parents will be here I have made no plans to cook or invite anyone over for Thanksgiving. My parents have never made a big deal of Thanksgiving so they aren't pushing it either. I plan on it being just "another day". This is what feels right to me (doing NOTHING) but I am wondering if it only feels "right" now and I will regret it later. Thoughts? Rosemary

Looks like we are all on the same page here! I know that Lou would not have done well at all without me. He would have constantly blamed himself and been positive that he was to blame for my death. It would not have mattered how I died, he would have found a way to hold himself responsible and would have been miserable. At first I kept thinking that God should have left him and taken me. Lou was the most wonderful, peaceful, loving, generous man. He found a way to be kind to everyone, even people that no one else could stand. He was a true gentleman and treated every woman like a lady regardless of her "true" standing. He used to tell me that a woman is someone's daughter and no matter what he would want his daughter treated with respect no matter what! He was very "old school". Now I realize that I am stronger and can handle stress better than he could. He was so sensitive and loving. I only became gentler and kinder because I knew him. I am so glad he does not have to suffer through losing me. I would rather be the one suffering than for him to have any pain at all. He had a rough childhood (his mother died of cancer when he was 4) and always felt alone in the world. That is what made him have such tenderness toward other people and a great love for animals. Lou lived as Christ-like as a person could. I had more knowledge of the various doctrines and had studied the bible much more than him but he had the spiritual wisdom that most people I know (whether Muslim, Buddhist, Jewish, or Christian) could ever hope to have. I had a friend of Lou's tell me that God takes the "good ones first" and leaves the rest of us who still have too much growing to do behind to "suffer and learn". Not sure I totally agree with that but it gives me something to think about. Whatever our religious beliefs in this forum are; for those of us who believe in a power greater than ourselves, we must believe that in His wisdom he makes all things (whether random acts or part of the plan) work toward his will. I have too much growing to do on an emotional and spiritual level to really understand this but only pray for the ability to accept that which I cannot change. Thanks for posting your message. I had one of my unexpected crying jags in the shower tonight and it is always so comforting to hear others have the same doubts, confusions, and questions that I do. Everyone in this group is so insightful, thoughtful, reflective, and above all rational. I have to tell you it sometimes amazes me; especially when you realize all we have been through and what we continue to go through each day that we try and make sense of our loss and anticipate a future without him/her. Hope everyone has a good week.

I never really "loved" music but I enjoyed listening to it while in the car or cleaning house. Now here is the wierd part....ever since Lou's death I will not listen to any music. I did not realize what I was doing at first but I turn the channel on the radio anytime there is music (I listen to talking parts only) and when there is long music or singing on TV I put it on mute. For some reason the music bothers me. I have not tried to analyze why or give it much thought. I wonder what is going on? Rosemary