shauna marie

To the two ladies who mentioned that they were 50, one thing I have learned is that there is never a proper age to lose your mother. I lost my mom when I was only 27 and I can tell you I feel robbed. She won't be around for my wedding, or to see my children, if either of those actually happen. I can clearly see from these posts that it doesn't matter what you have when you lose your mom, you lost your mom and that's that. Very heartbreaking. I think there is one other part of my grief that really tears me up inside. My mother died when she was 56--her mother is still alive. Mind you, my mother would NEVER have survived her death at that point in time. I survived yesterday. I got some magical meds from the doctor on Saturday that pretty much knocked me out until this morning. I needed it. All I kept getting in my email was stupid emails about Mother's Day. I went to a gaming room where I often go and seen about 10 "Happy Mother's Day" and that was enough of the torture for me. Will that day ever have meaning for me again? I somehow just feel so damn robbed. It's not just one parent not there, it's both. At least when I still had my mom, I could celebrate all the other holidays to some degree. I wasn't completely abnormal. I couldn't celebrate Father's Day, but at least I could celebrate Mother's Day. And then, boom...that's gone, too. For the first year and then some, I couldn't even look at mothers and daughters without crying. It just broke my heart and make me envious. And being so young, you try telling people that you've lost both parents at my age and you get the silent treatment. I go on the bus and find that people in their 50's and older still have one or both parents. Just makes me so sad, so angry, so...alone. It has gotten better, admittedly. I have a place to go to celebrate my special days. I have two brothers that I'm very close to. I'm close to my godfather and his family. I have some great friends here, too. I have some great online friends, as well. Normal ones, at that. Funny...when I first lost my mom, I divided everyone into three groups--those with both parents, those with one parent, those with none. Even those with none got divided, too. Those who had a spouse/children, those who had a spouse, those who had children, those who had no spouse/no children. The last group was the only ones I identified with because only they would understand. I should stress that was my thinking AT THE TIME. I know differently now, or I wouldn't be posting here. Ok...I've rambled on enough. Shauna

My heart goes out to you, deb. I don't think it's selfish for you to have those thoughts. They are normal thoughts to have. My question to you would be--how realistic are they? I am completely oversensitive to anyone being ill. Finding out my brother had a headache makes me overreact and think, "It's really a tumor." That aside, is there a way for you to spend more time with her? Sounds like it would do both of you some good, if possible. I'd question why your grandmother was taken out of an assisted facility where she was taken care of to your uncle's home, where she would be alone at least part of the time. You are stronger than you think, as leeann said. If anyone had asked what would have happened to me if my mom died, I would have said I'd be in a matching casket. I did survive it though. Take care of you, Shauna

Deb, I would say that is definitely a sign. I have had only two "mysterious" signs in my whole journey. All the rest are ones that I had to look for myself. I also forgot to mention all the times that I felt so down, so alone, so everything--and the phone would ring and it would be my godfather. Or he'd be in the store when I was working and he wasn't supposed to be there. Look around you. I'm sure that you will find there are more than one sign. Sometimes you just have to believe. Shauna

leeann, Thank you for your reply. I have decided what I will do about my dilemna. Instead of giving her something now, I will wait until the first of June and then I will give her and my godfather a thank you present. That way, I've thanked them, but left the special day to them. I think there's a part of me that wants to leave the day for her kids, too, if that makes sense. And I know last year I had major guilt issues when I gave my godfather a Father's Day present. I should mention that my father was an (insert profane word that starts with the letter a.) He was never there for me emotionally. He actually did quite a bit of harm to me as a child regarding my weight. He always made me feel fat. Well, almost my entire family did--except for my godfather. He was the only one who ever made me feel like a person and he knew it. We've always had a special bond. Well, I decided to use Father's Day to open up and tell him that. It was so horrible after though. I'm glad I told him, but can't believe that I told on my father and other family members. I also can't believe I used that day to tell him. In the long run, am I glad? You betcha. But there was a price to pay and that was about two weeks of being depressed over the whole thing. When I moved here, I promised my dad that I'd never tell on him. No one but one of my brothers knew how badly he really treated me and the effect it had on me. But I owed it to my godfather to know the full impact he had on my life. The problem with being upset over Mother's Day is it brings back horrible memories. I should also mention that I had a horrible tooth infection that affected my jaw, I tend to end up with TMJ at times. But the last time I had a bad flare up, I was back home with my parents. It just triggered me to back then and how I was. This whole week has been (insert word that begins with the letter h) on earth for me and I just don't like this. I guess I'm worried that I'll go back to that and I don't want that. I guess I need to take the weekend for just me and stay away from other humans. Turn my phone off, not leave my apartment, just stay around people that don't trigger me into feeling bad about myself. Right now I'm just teetering on the edge. I don't want to resort to medication. I want to say I survived this weekend on my own. I do know there's a little park at the end of my street, so maybe I'll take a walk there and explore it for exercise and I'll spend the rest of the weekend cleaning my apartment. Thanks for your reply. Shauna

Well, it finally hit. Mother's Day is coming and coming too soon and I'm turning into a wreck. It hit me full force like a ton of bricks this morning. I'm having trouble doing what I did last year. I bought something for my godfather's wife. I don't know if I can do that this year. Seems just wrong. If I want to give her a thank you present for all she's done, it can wait, right? But then I think that last year I got her something. But then I think of the other side of the coin. She's lost her daughter (this hasn't actually happened though, thankfully). Say they had a, "Daughter's Day"...would I want her to give me something just because something happened to her daughter? Nope, not ever. But as I said, I did last year. Maybe last year I wasn't strong enough to not celebrate the day. Maybe I was just too exhausted to spend the time crying about it. Whatever the reason, I know I cannot buy her a present for Mother's Day and that's that. I just can't. Is it Monday yet? Shauna

You haven't made anyone nuts, hon. I am not sure I would be able to do it in your shoes. Heck, I can't watch the same tv channel, go to the same stores, nothing that we would have done together. I just threw the bit about Vegas 'cuz I SO want to go there and thought maybe I found a way. I don't buy the "you'd want mom to go, wouldn't you" garbage though. That really isn't an issue. You're about to face some really difficult things and it's as simple as that. I am sure that once you get there and get used to being there and relive a lot of the memories, it will be ok. I remember the first time that I went back home after I moved and I had to relive it all. It was tough, but it was ok. I do want to mention that even if you find this trip really difficult, you will find the next one easier. And do it. Go play some of your mom's favorite games for her. You don't have to spend all of your time doing that, perhaps check out some other parts of Vegas that you never seen before, if that's possible. (I've never been there.) Make it an adventure for yourself. Honor your parents, but build some soothing memories of the place for you. Shauna

Joe, That's sweet of you to travel so far to be with your children during this difficult time. I know you need them as much as they need you and it's good that the three of you will be together. It's hard to deal with every single thing. The mind numbness is one of the "side effects" and that will take a while to overcome. NS is beautiful. I'm sorry that you and your wife were unable to take a trip here during her life. But perhaps that is something that you can possibly think about doing some time later in the future. Perhaps even bring a part of her here and leave it, sort of as a symbolism. Bodies die, but people don't. And sometimes you have to do what others would have wanted to do, but were unable to do, sort of as an obligation. That isn't something you have to think about right now, you can put that on the back burner for now. Have a gentle birthday. The only thing that I can suggest is to include your wife, if possible. Kathleen is a beautiful name. Shauna

Shelley, If you're really unsure as to whether or not the trip will go well, I'll give you my address and you can send me the ticket. Seriously, wow, such a HUGE step for you. Good luck on your trip. Shauna

Deb, The day my father died we had blizzard like conditions that lasted until after his funeral. I remember that night, it was clear as a bell and silent as could be. The day my mother died it was sunshowers the whole day. I felt that she smiling because she was with my dad, but crying because she had to leave us. So the weather has become a HUGE part. My brothers and I went on a mini vacation in 2006. We left our hotel room and walked to the restaurant that was only five mins away. There was hail that started just after we left the hotel and stopped as soon as we reached the restaurant. One of my brothers commented that it was like it was meant just for us. Then when I was in FL, it was sunny and beautiful the whole time we were there. The last day we were there, I went for a walk and was mad that it hadn't rained, it was supposed to for the last three days. I was thinking, maybe they left me? Not 20 minutes later the skies opened up and we got his with a major storm. There was a time before my mother died that my brother, myself, and her were in the car. I was yelling about something and my brother prayed for my father to help. All of a sudden, the back window rolled down on its own. I didn't do it and my brother didn't do it. My whole move to where I am living now was so perfectly orchestrated, there was another force behind it. In order for me to move here, I had to get a credit card. Well, I don't talk to telemarketers--ever. I also NEVER answer the phone when it's unknown name, unknown number. One night the phone rang. It was a telemarketer for me. I listened. Turned out I'd been approved for a credit card. With that cc, I was able to rent a car and my brother and I went to a city near here for a visit. He got the idea in his head that he wanted to move there. A month later, he was busy making plans and so I moved to a rooming house. That Sunday, my godfather called me. I hadn't heard from him in about six weeks or more. And as soon as he heard my plans, he sounded not happy about them. I was planning on driving my brother to the city for a job interview that following Tuesday. My godfather "just happened" to have a conference that he "didn't have to go to" in the city and met me for lunch and proposed I move here. Now, this is September. Somehow I got the courage to come for a visit to see the area in October and fell in love with it. Now, my godfather owns three pharmacies, so I could work at one of his stores. He went to a fundraiser one evening and found out that a friend of theirs had an apartment that she hadn't had time to show because of the fundraiser. They also found me a bedroom set. The end of the October, I rented a car, packed it with not a whole lot, and got OUT. It gets freakier though... In October, I was talking to an online friend about another friend who had schizophrenia and bi-polar and she was on Zyprexa. My mom had been on that med, but she didn't have those illnesses...did she? I looked it up and found that it's usually only prescribed for those conditions. At that point, I started to wonder if she did, but soon forgot about it. This past November I had plans to move back home. I was running away from money problems that I didn't want anyone to find out about and I was running away from mental health problems. Now, my godfather knew of someone who wanted to rent the apartment so he talked to my landlord to hold it over for the guy. I tried selling my furniture, but that didn't pan out. Thursday, November 16th, I had just decided I was going to put it in storage when my godfather told me about the guy that wanted the apartment, maybe he would want my furniture, too? That would have been great, would have paid for a rooming house for a month or two back home. So, on Saturday, I rented a small storage spot, didn't need a whole lot for my other stuff. After that was rented, my godfather got the call that the guy didn't want the apartment or the furniture. Great. My godfather decided that he would be able to put it in storage at another time, for me not to worry about it. That night I went to their staff Christmas party. I ended up sitting at a table with my godfather, his wife, and a student pharmacist. (His wife is a pharmacist as well.) At some point during the evening, my godfather said to ask the student about any meds and he knows everything. All of a sudden I thought about the Zyprexa. I hadn't thought of it in a month, but just thought of it right then and there. I found out that medication is prescribed for those conditions. I also remembered that when my mom started on that med, she got "better". She got worse after she was under stress again. A lot started to hit that night and when I got back, I did my research. I then realized that not only did my mom probably suffer from schizophrenia, but that I had a mental illness as well. And if I had went home, it would be throwing crap on my brother again and I wouldn't get better--I'd get worse. My stuff stayed in storage for two months. I was able to keep my apartment--thanks to the fact that my landlord was holding it for the other guy who didn't want it. I still had my furniture--thanks to the other guy who didn't want it. Now, if that guy had never thought about the apartment, my landlord might have run an ad and may have found a new tenant. Or my furniture would have went in storage. Had I not sat with my godfather, his wife, and the student pharmacist, I would not have heard my godfather say that line and I would not have thought to ask about Zyprexa. Coincidence? There are times that I feel someone else taking over my body. I will do things that I normally wouldn't do, such as talk to the telemarketer. Or I'll all of a sudden get an idea or a thought that just came out of nowhere. I'll need money and get it. I'll feel so alone that I want to die--and my phone will ring. There's just ALWAYS something there. I also felt taps on my shoulder after my father died. I never said anything to anyone about it. After my mother died, my brother felt the same taps. (So you know, my parents actually both died in the same bedroom.) Oh, and my parents dog. We had to give her away, we couldn't keep her. She was nine years old at the time. We put ads in the local merchant, no one wanted her. Four weeks went by, we knew that we had to do something about her. Even if it meant putting her to sleep. Well, one day I screamed at my parents in the car and cursed them. It was bad enough that they were taken away from me, now I had to put their dog down. The next day, an angel called and wanted the dog. The dog loved her and her mother and she went very happily to their home. Ok, I've rambled on enough. lol Shauna ***Added*** I forgot the major one. I listen to a radio station online. You may request up to two songs per hour, or whatever, depending on how busy it is. I had a habit of requesting songs to me by my Pooh Bear, Simon Moore. Just something hilarious about hearing the dj talk about him like he's real. Anyway, there was one day that I couldn't decide what I wanted to hear. I looked for one song, couldn't find it, no matter how hard I searched for it. Then I chose two songs. One was, "You're Still the One" by Shania Twain. Yes, my Pooh Bear dedicates that to me all the time. lol The other that I was going to choose was, "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt. I decided not to choose that one, since it isn't a happy love song. I chose another one, I forget which one. Well, first I heard the other song I chose, then the one by Shania Twain. And then I heard, "You're Beautiful" and it was dedicated to me by Simon Moore. It IS possible that I did dedicate that one, but I'm almost positive that I didn't. I seriously started to shake when I heard it. The dedication, the whole thing. And no one that I knew online would have known that was my favorite song. And then the fourth song that I heard was the one that I had been looking for, but couldn't find. The next day I was playing at a gaming site and this person came in the room. I checked their profile as I often do. I found out that he actually is a Pooh Bear. He dresses up in the suit and walks around Disneyworld. Now, I always visit that room and had NEVER seen him before. He wasn't in my age group, no reason for him to be there. I didn't see him again until the day before yesterday when he visited my room again. I had been able to see he was online playing other games, just not this particular one.

My heart goes out to you, Joe. Have you asked your kids what they would like to do? They may or may not want to celebrate the day. And should they choose to not celebrate it, it's ok. I didn't celebrate my first Christmas without both parents. The way I looked at it, I had 25 wonderful Christmases with them, it was ok to not celebrate it that year. Perhaps the three of you would like to create something in her memory, together, like a garden. Or send off balloons. But let them decide. I don't think at seven weeks I'd want to do anything; it would just be too painful. And that is ok. You could always do something special for them, perhaps write a letter to each of them reminding them of their mother's love and talk about the joy she felt when each was born, etc. I have to admit, I don't do much for my mother on Mother's Day, but that is because I always include her when I can. When I went to FL, I bought the gaudiest shoes that I know she would have had 10 pairs of in every color. I also bought her an angel while I was there, it was one of my very first American purchases. My Christmas tree has angels on it for her. And I make an effort to sing each day. I also pray that my downstairs neighbor can't hear me. Take care, Shauna

Since I lost both parents, I've had many, many signs that they are still with me. Even one this morning. I was at the doctor's and absentmindedly picked up a magazine and flipped to a story and started to read. All of a sudden two EMT's came in. At first I was sort of confused, then realized that they must be there for a patient who was too ill to make it to the hospital on his own. I am triggered by ambulances. Towards the end of my mom's illness, she felt the doctor's weren't taking her seriously enough so she thought that if she got an ambulance, it would get her attention. She did it three times. First time was on my grandmother, my mother said that she collapsed from the heat and needed my grandmother to come up and call her an ambulance and go with her to the hospital. She was 81 at the time. So I started to almost freak out. One EMT went back and got another bag and then I really almost started to freak out. Was thinking of leaving when I looked at the bottom of the page and seen my good friend, my bestest friend in the whole world--Winnie the Pooh. I then calmed down. I talked to myself and reminded myself that this man needs attention. That he was going to go to the hospital and get taken care of and he'll be ok. I have hundreds of other signs, but this is one that I wanted to share.

Josie, My mom has been gone for two years and almost eight months. Wow. I think I like writing the months out better, that just seems so long. I'm sure there are doctors who deal with say, cancer patients, all the time who have nightmares about their loved ones death. And I hate to say it, but if I had been watching your mom's final hours on tv, I probably would have had to ff it, it sounds so horrible. Have you asked people why they don't talk about your mom? Remember, there could be a thousand reasons why they don't. I'd be careful though in making sure you actually WANT to hear the reason. I don't mention my father very much and I have good reasons for that. I refused to even cry at his wake/funeral. Actually, I kind of made myself cry at his funeral, but not because I was missing him. I did it because everyone else was crying. I was actually crying for the father I never had. It was so hard. My father had two different complete sides and all of these people only seen ONE side of him, while I got to see the other side. A lot of people judged me on that, not realizing the damage he had done to me. Take care, Shauna

leeann, Yeah, I miss the shopping bit for my mom, too. But I sort of have to admit there was a bit of elation from me to realize that Sunday is Mother's Day and I didn't even realize it until I read this post. It isn't that I don't miss my mother, I certainly do. Also sick of the black cloud that followed me for years. The pansies sound like a wonderful idea. I'm glad to see you are making the effort, even though it's really tough for you. It's good that your kids will be able to have the same joy with finding presents and celebrating your special day with you. Take care, Shauna

My heart goes out to you, Joy. Will you feel happiness again? In a word, YES. It's a lot to expect of someone who is so new in the grieving process, so what you are feeling is "normal". I had a few medical problems after my mom died. One, I was up by 8 am every single day, if not earlier, no matter what time I went to bed. This kept up for several months. Another was that I was constipated for about six months. I was pretty much dependent on stool softeners and laxatives. And during holidays and stressful times, I still tend to get that way. The last was that I had was like a yeast infection, only nothing would kill it. That lasted in total about five months. That had actually started about two months before she died and kept up for another three. Yes, the "what if's" are normal. So are the "I should have's" and "why didn't I's". That, too, passes in time. I think we all want to feel as if we had control over the situation, but in reality we didn't. For the most part, we are dealing with adults who were capable of getting their own treatment; perhaps they did not. Or perhaps there was something different that could have been done that would have proved a different outcome. It's a dangerous road to walk down because no matter what, you end up with the same outcome. And your mom needs you more than anything right now, as well as your nine-month-old. Take care, Shauna

Though it's been over 2 1/2 years, I still mark how many months it's been since I lost my mom every single month on the 7th. This month will be 32 months. I did the month thing with my father as well, but only up until the first year. I'm STILL doing it with my mom. Anyone else do this? I kind of find it sweet, actually. Hard to believe in just four short months and five days it will be three years. But I'll tell you one thing...with the exception of my trip to FL, I don't think there's a day in that time that I ever want to relive again. I sometimes get triggered to the time after I lost my mom, the first month or so. I remember the night I wandered around the parking lot at work, looking for my car. I realized after about fifteen minutes that I was looking for an old car of mine, not the current one. Shauna

My heart goes out to you, leeann. I have to give you kudos for getting through the first year so calmly. I remember the first year I cried pretty much every single day from the time they took the Easter stuff down until they put the Father's Day stuff up. I refused to go to stores or even look at flyers. As it got closer to the day, I was completely messed up on Ativan and I also had cut myself. I do self-harm, not a whole lot, but I really needed to then. I haven't since then though. Last year was completely different. I think it helped that the weeks before the day, I was in FL. I LOVE Winnie the Pooh, he actually has been a huge help since losing my mom, so going to Disneyworld was DEFINITELY a distraction for me. It helped to go away with people who weren't a part of that time of my life, well, they were, but not directly. Helped that it was so close to Mother's Day. I did buy two balloons on the actual day and released them. I've since moved from where my mom was buried, so couldn't go to her grave. (Yeah, that part hurts a heck of a LOT.) But I also bought a present for my godfather's wife. Not to replace my mom, of course, but to remind myself that even though the time with my mom is gone, I don't have to feel like such an outsider on those special days. Is there anyone that you could do such a thing for? It isn't something that I seen myself doing, but a woman at work suggested it to me--she lost her mom and she does the same for someone else. It does help. Take care, Shauna

My heart goes out to you, Cristina. Our stories are quite similar, sadly. Difference is I lost my parents in 20 months, not under a year. My parents were actually younger when they died, too. Does life go on? It does, but please, don't pressure yourself too hard. It isn't easy by any means. All of a sudden, you don't have just one set of anniversaries to deal with, but two. You don't have one illness to deal with, but rather two. I also imagine you didn't have a chance to really grieve your father since your mother was so ill and so her death probably just opened a floodgate. Can you get married? Funny, I remember the day of my father's funeral and was thinking that I was walking him down the aisle when it should have been the other way around. I couldn't do weddings for over two years and even watching a wedding on tv made me cry. Will I marry? Well, first I need to find someone to marry. lol When I do, if I'm ready, I will. If not, that's ok. Perhaps if I wanted it official I'd do it in a court. Perhaps if I did it in a church, I could find a way to honor them, such as putting their wedding picture on the program. I could walk down the aisle alone, or find someone who isn't related to me to do so. That way, I don't have to remember that I'm having someone second best. Your parents are still with you. My way of knowing that mine are with me is with the weather. There was a huge snowstorm that started day the day my dad died and only ended the night of his funeral. The day my mom died it was sunshowers the WHOLE day. I remember being in FL this time last year upset because it didn't rain the whole time. Not 20 minutes later did the sky suddently erupt with raindrops, lightning, and thunder. I was like, wow. Fifteen minutes later it got sunny. They are still with me and that makes me happy. Take care, Shauna

My heart goes out to you, Shelley. I think this is a great topic for such a board. I found it so interesting to see how we all handle the anniversaries so differently. I honestly have never had much of a problem with my father's death so I am not going to spend any time there. My mom's first year anniversary very well nearly killed me. I had to take time off of work, almost ended up in detox, and almost passed out two times the week before. I wanted nothing to do with absolutely no one for about a month and my brother actually ended up kicking me out. The second year went much better. I still had my days and I was pretty stressed out for about a month before hand, but compared to the first year, handled it MUCH better. Hayley--I understand about the period of time that your mom was sick. For me, it's actually from June 28th until September 7th. She was sick the whole time and just kept getting worse and worse and worse. The first summer was horrible and even last year I was completely dazed. I'm going to be handling this summer better though. You need time to deal with everything. Take care all, Shauna

My heart goes out to you, Gwinlan. To be perfectly honest, I'm not quite sure how to reply to your post. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but I just can't reply to other's pain like that. My pain is personal and I don't want anyone to sugarcoat it because there is absolutely nothing that anyone can say or do to make it better. It isn't selfish to want people around longer. Grief really is a personal journey and there is no time limit on how long it will take to get through. The way I always look at it is that my parent was my parent for x amount of years, so it's not just going to take a week to get over. When you add in the horrors of your father's illness--you have a LOT to get through. Be gentle with the anniversary coming up. I can tell you that the day is actually not as bad as the days beforehand. Take care of you. Shauna

My heart goes out to you, Wilma. I think one thing that is important to remember is what actually ended her beautiful life--it wasn't you putting her in the hospital, it was the cancer. You had to make a decision because of the cancer. There is also no way for you to predict that it still would not have happened if you had not put her in the hospital. Then you would probably have the other feelings of guilt, "Should I have put her in the hospital"? There is no time limit on grief and you have to be very gentle with yourself. It's been almost 2 1/2 years and I still don't have any pictures of my mom up. I can't look at them. Take care, Shauna

My heart goes out to you, Josie. I can understand the wanting to know what happened. With my mom, I will never really truly understand. Though she was just three weeks from her 57th birthday, they never did an autopsy. She had been seriously ill at the time mentally and physically; no doctors could ever actually pinpoint what was wrong with her. I've always felt that the reason they didn't do one is they didn't want to find something that could have actually been fixable. I know that even if she'd had a name for her illness, she never would have beat it anyway--she was too far gone after our father's death. And she was gone, the three of us (my two brothers and myself) could not have dealed with actually knowing. It was too much. Now that time has passed, I sort of wish I knew. I know you know what your mom had, but I mean that I know about the wishing HOW it happened, etc. I have to ask you one thing. Even if the doctors and nurses HAD told you what does happen when you take a person off of life support--you really think it wouldn't have affected you the same way? I had realized for months that my mom wasn't going to see Christmas, but in no way was I prepared. I know full well that to other family members it's like my mom never existed. Some people just can't deal with such things. It's best to just spend time with those who understand and can help you. I had to alienate myself from a lot of people that didn't understand, but I needed to do it to take care of myself. Unfortunately, a lot of those relationships didn't survive, but that's ok. I relive "that" day myself. She was my mom for over 27 years, but it's "that" day that I relive. For me, the reason is that I need to deal with "that" day and once I have, other days will be remembered and "that" one will become less important. I kind of think of it as a large bruise. Each day it gets a little bit smaller and a little bit less noticeable. Let yourself think about "that" day. A lot of things happened to you on that particular day and it really only began with the fact that your mom died. You had to make decisions you never thought you'd have to make, at least not now. You lost a parent. You lost a great friend. You had many more things happen to you on that day, more than I can list. It isn't easy. It DOES get better and easier to deal with. Just it's an adventure finding your way out of the forest and not a darned thing can really help. One of the best things that I can say is that they forgot to put it in the manual. I wish they would give us a manual in times like this. There are the "normal" things that people talk about...but how do you deal with the fact that your mom will never make you a birthday cake again? Take care, Shauna

My heart goes out to you, D. One of the things that has amazed me on this "journey" is the fact that people think that though my mother was my mother for 27 plus years, I was supposed to be over her in a week. Every day is a new challenge without her. Has it gotten easier? To some degree, yes. But in other ways, no. I've actually had to divide my life into two parts--before my mom died and after my mom died. Everything since I've lost my mom has been bittersweet. A lot of it wouldn't have happened if she had not died and that part kind of rips my heart out. My recent birthday isn't the best I've ever had--it's the best since 27. That way, I feel I haven't ruined my memories of my mommy. I'm not the same person I was before she died. In fact, very little is actually the same. I don't shop at the same stores, I don't watch the same shows on tv. I can't listen to music, period. Church is so very painful as well. So it's taken a long time to find a new me. You need to find an outlet for your pain. Having a place like this is great, but you need someone that you can talk to as well. I can't imagine the pain you went through with your mom having cancer. I know my mom suffered and I know that ripped me apart more than anything. Take care, Shauna

Well, I'm new to this board, however, not new to grief. I lost my father over four years ago, on Jan. 16/04. I was only 25 at the time. He had been having chest pains off and on for about five weeks before, thought it was the cold, but refused to see a doctor. Early that morning, I heard my father gasping for air. I was in the living room with my mom, we were watching tv. I ran in to see what was wrong and realized that something was. I called 911 and tried to start CPR, but it didn't work. My father was in his bedroom which was about 25 feet from the living room. It was useless, he died of an ischemic heart attack. He was gone in probably less than 30 seconds, died in his sleep. My mom died Sept 7/05. I was only 27 at the time. She had suffered from pain for over 10 years. She had had every test done, everything. We now think it was possible it was schizophrenia. She was on medication that is prescribed for that medical illness, but we were never actually told. The medication did help, until she stopped taking it. And then she slowly went downhill. She couldn't handle the pain and often didn't want to leave the house. Once we got her to leave, she was usually ok. It was getting her to leave. She always wanted to see the doctor, to get a diagnosis for her pain. We tried to tell her that she needed to lose weight, etc, but she never listened. She just wanted a magical pill. She became very difficult to live with in the summer of 2005. She was smothering me. She'd do things, like take a ton of her blood pressure medication to get me to get her an ambulance. We were at the outpatients at least once a week. She'd wake me up in the middle of the night to cry about the pain. Wanted me to fix her, but I couldn't. She wanted the doctors to, but they couldn't. She'd call other family members--like my uncle, grandmother, brother--and tell them how she was being abused by us at home; saying that we called her crazy. But she never did anything to help herself, even when my dad was alive. She wanted us to do it for her. How could we? Everything was planned around the pain. Could never go shopping with me, etc. And I think she had schizophrenia. She certainly had all of the symptoms and it would be like her to leave that little detail out. She wouldn't want us to think she was crazy. It might have helped us. And I couldn't bear to look at those medical documents and her psychiatrist has since passed away as well. I could get a copy of the records, but I don't want to see them. I still have trouble with it all. Her estate still isn't closed out yet. My father's wasn't fully done when she died, so we had to start back with his before we could deal with hers. It just seems to be one thing after another. That will be done shortly and then hopefully I'll be able to get on with my life to some degree. I can't believe that I'll never see her again though. It doesn't seem real and it certainly isn't fair. I've had to become a completely new person because I can't do anything that I did with her. Even going to church makes me cry. I've had to move away from where I grew up because it hurt so bad. I am around my godfather and I do have a wonderful, healthy relationship with him and his family. I finally have someone who can take care of me and who doesn't wake me up at all hours to fix his problems. Shauna

My heart goes out to you, Brenda. I have to ask you if you really think your immediate family is being unsupportive or are they scared? My brothers are the last two that I really talk to about my mom and how I handle it because they can't handle the thought of losing me. They also have their own pain to deal with and can't deal with mine as well. It does mean I have to wear my happy hat and pretend that we never had parents when I'm with them, but that's ok. I know they hurt as well as me and we all deal in our own ways. The most important thing for you right now is to take care of yourself. Find yourself support. Don't worry about them, worry about you. If you have stuff of your mom's that you don't want and your sisters don't, maybe keep it for your dad if you haven't gotten rid of it. After my mom died, within about two weeks her room was completely cleaned out. Not because I wanted her gone, but it just hurt too much to look at. There are still some things that I can't do that I did with her and not sure I'll be able to ever again. Take care, Shauna

My heart goes out to you, Matthew. The guilt. My grandmother, who is almost 85, lost her mother 31 years ago. If you sit down and talk to her, you'd think her mother died yesterday. You'd also think she died at a very young age and very suddenly. I don't think a person ever gets over missing their mom or stops feeling the guilt. My grandmother has guilt to this day. Her mother had had a car accident and had died at a later date at the age of 75. She still wonders, "what if?" Since your mom signed the, "no code" thing...I have to ask you--what would your mom have wanted for YOU? I lost both parents. My father died a very quick and sudden death and I am forever grateful for that. I did not have to see him suffer. He would not have wanted to be hooked up to machines or have any surgeries. I don't have to live with that nightmare for the rest of my life. I still suffer from my mom's death. We now think she had a mental illness that she couldn't deal with properly because of my father. I had to watch her suffer for ten years of pain that no doctor could ever find the reason for. There is no one on this great earth that I would wish that pain on. I think the most horrible thing in this world is to watch a loved one suffer. I still have nightmares of her crying with the pain and there wasn't a darned thing I could do. What you feel is normal and you may resolve it, but you may not. The bottom line is that you have no control over another person's life, no matter how much you love them. So could you have done more? NO. Take care. Shauna