shauna marie

allalone, I see having a pet isn't possible for you right now. I'm in the same boat. I don't think I could cope with something else dying. I also don't have room for them. Ok, ok--the real reason is that I wouldn't want a cat ripping apart any of my Pooh Bears. Now, is there anything special that always brings a smile to your face? For me it's obviously Pooh Bear. He never dies, he's never angry, he's just always there. So I've gotten a LOT of Pooh stuff over the last couple of years. Sometimes I don't need it, but other times--like now--I really do. In my darkest hours, Pooh always puts a smile on my face. So maybe is there something that always makes you smile that you could put around to help cheer your mood? (Yes, I use every excuse I can to mention Pooh. I'll also plug the show, "My Friends Tigger and Pooh"...it's the CUTEST show on tv, I swear. ) I'm sorry to hear that you're having such problems with your daughter and your health. Perhaps therapy would be useful to you, to work through those issues. I don't have any children, but I know that when I'm sick it's when I miss my mom the most. (What I mean by that, is I can't say I understand about how talking to mom helps with dealing with your kids.) Take care of you. Shauna

I've just finished reading SwissAir 111. For those who may not remember, it was a plane that went down on the coast of Peggy's Cove, Nova Scotia, on September 2, 1998. (Not far from where I am, actually.) I sat back and reflected on the past almost eleven years and the number of tragedies that we have seen that occurred in those months. August 31, 1997--Princess Diana was killed. September 2, 1998--SwissAir crashed, killing all 229 crew and passengers aboard. September 11, 2001--WTC attacks/bombing of the three planes that went down Not sure of exact date, September 2003--Hurricane Juan (local hurricane in our area that killed only one, but caused over a million dollars in damage, and was the largest one to hit our area, probably ONLY one to ever hit our area) August 25 (?)--2005, Hurricane Katrina I always identifed with Hurricane Katrina. A lot of them lost loved ones, their animals, their homes. My mom died a little after Katrina so I could feel to some extent how they felt. I ended up losing my mom, my animals, and my home. I do know circumstances are different, completely different. I know that there are ones who probably still do not know what happened to their loved ones. Like 9/11, I will never forget Katrina. I will never forget how people were upset that gas prices were going up--people lost everything! And you're actually going to complain about gas prices? I happily paid the higher gas price and went home and enjoyed my family. (First jump was before my mom died, second jump in prices was after.) I've never liked summer. And since I lost my mom, I hate it even more. It isn't even August and I wonder how I will survive the next month. How will I cope with the many memories?

Leeann, I doubt anyone would want to tidy this place up right now. Who knows what--or who--you'd find. lol ty for your sweet reply though. (((((leann))))) It will take the two antibiotics. I will be having my teeth taken out, but they can't do it until October 6th. My godfather's wife (who is also a pharmacist) has suggested this type of OTC medicine that will help to keep me from getting other infections. I'm feeling better though. Thing is this. Sunday, I prayed for my mom to help me. I've been feeling rotten, for obvious reasons. And I knew there was something in the tests that I had done, I just didn't know what. I found out on Monday that it was only a bladder infection and I noticed yesterday that there were three jobs on our job bank that I qualify for. Also, there's another woman who is offering me a job. Well, she's "holding interviews". For someone who is "holding interviews", she's going through a LOT of trouble to contact me. (Calling, emailing, etc.) Hmm...angels abound?

My heart goes out to both of you. I haven't lost a brother and can't imagine the pain of losing one of them. (I have two.) firefly...I find it miraculous that you had a son right smack dab in the middle of your brother's birthday/angelversary. My first thought when I read your post the other day is maybe Levi sent him to you? Perhaps he felt the need give your family a chance to celebrate and be happy and thankful during that dark time. Take care, Shauna

Ugh. I think my title says it all. I'm sick--again. I had a yeast infection two weeks ago, Swimmer's Ear last week, was diagnosed with a bladder infection yesterday, and today I realize that I have a tooth infection. The worst part is I can't sleep and when I do, I dream constantly about my parents. That upsets me and well, kind of depresses me. I end up with no energy, my apartment looks like a hurricane hit it, I'm finding it hard to read, watch tv, even be on the computer. Also the medications for my bipolar quit working when I'm sick and so any dreams about my father almost immediately sends me back into a frenzy where I go around and apologize for every single thing I do, thinking I upset someone, said something wrong, or angered them. Then I feel worthless and want to leave the earth. (Don't worry--ONLY thoughts, not actions.) It doesn't help that it's summer and it's a hard time for me anyway. There are flashbacks to three years ago when my mom was sick. That's hard to think about. It doesn't help that people are going away on vacation--I'm not. Families are getting together, having BBQ's, going to the beach. A girl that I used to work with at the pharmacy got married on Saturday. No, I didn't go to the wedding. I can't do weddings. All I can ever think about is the day of my father's funeral and how it struck me that I was walking him down the aisle and it wasn't the other way around. In two single moments, the idea of such a special day was robbed from me. I doubt I could get married without both parents. And, oh, yeah, a boyfriend might help first. At the same time of all of this, I'm thankful for several things. I'm thankful that they are just infections. The doctor had seen some sugar in my urine and I guess it was just a mess, so she thought it might have been diabetes. I was thinking it could have been thyroid problems. So to only be a bladder infection is good news. It's also good that I'm able to see that I have disordered thinking when it comes to my father. I know that when I feel I'm under his spell things are a lot worse than they really are. Just hate when it all seems to crash.

Maylissa, I just wanted to add to my reply. First, I hope I didn't upset you with anything that I had said. I don't completely understand your position, granted, but I do understand quite a bit of it and I know that it was much healthier for me to react the way I did. Of course, that's what worked for ME. I also hope that you continue to post your frustrations and whatnot here. I always ask people online (even offline) if they are in therapy for specific issues because there is only so much that I can do and I like to know that someone is taking care of your needs. I also wanted to say that I understand about how people judged you. I remember one of my friends and even my brother actually took the time to notice that I had a gap in my tooth around the time my father died. The same friend also judged me because I didn't cry at my father's wake/funeral. It was hard to explain that my father wouldn't have wanted me to and so I was respecting his wishes. I also see crying as the first part of accepting and I wasn't in a way to accept it at that point. I just hope I didn't upset you/hurt you. My reply has been bugging me since I wrote it. Shauna

all alone, Give it time. It's almost three years for me and I'm just looking at a possible relationship. You need to take care of yourself and let yourself heal, otherwise you might make decisions you will regret later. Have you thought of a pet, if you already don't have one? The first Mother's Day and the one-year anniversary were the hardest times for me. The whole first year was, but those days were especially hard. I think it's because whenever I thought to a year ago, she was still here and then she wasn't. It does get easier, although some days it doesn't feel like it. The floral arragement sounds beautiful. You doing it yourself made it more special and I'm sure gave you more gratitude that you were able to do something for her instead of just picking up one. And sounds so nice that you take the time to plant more seed and clean up the final resting spots. I know the last time I went to my mom's (I've moved since then and am not close to it) it was just after the one year and I could barely stand it because the grass still hadn't fully grown back and that really upset me. Shauna

Maylissa, I've been reading this thread and quite a few things confuse me. I'm not sure why, if the family issues are so upsetting, you are going after the estate or even bothering to worry about it. When my father died, I didn't really get any of the money, my mother did. I can tell you one thing--I wouldn't have wanted it. And my father was NOT the nicest, but this isn't the place to get into that. You're free from your family, but you have to spread your wings and let yourself fly. You have to make the choice of whether to keep this up and keep crying over it and obsessing over it, or you can learn to let it go. I am also seeing a common thread of "feel sorry for me" over and over throughout your post. It seems to be everyone else's fault. It's your husband's fault that the home wasn't contacted. People should listen to you, they should understand. And you're so alone because they don't. Well, I can tell you something--not too many people can identify with my situation. And you want to go near strange??? My life certainly has been weird, I can tell you that. But if I hid behind the "no one understands", then I don't heal because instead on focusing on the future and my uniqueness, I'm wallowing in self-pity. One side note--I do have a friend who has went through a lot of the same stuff as me. But it's not the easiest as talking to him about one thing might trigger and sadden him and then he can't be there for me. Sometimes it's easier to just talk to people who don't know, they can't add their own feelings and complicate everything. And sometimes you do need to realize that while bad things do happen, good things happen, too. Makes life bittersweet. As a result of losing my parents, I ended up being able to go to Disneyworld. I've had the chance to move here and be closer to my godfather. Has this made my parents deaths easier??? Absolutely not. But it gives me hope that there is another chapter to my life. I second marty when she mentioned that some of your problems are bigger than this board. You mentioned you were in therapy? Are you still? Have you thought about grief counselling, if not already in that? Take care, Shauna

I hate being sick. It's when I miss my mom the most. I've had Swimmer's Ear for over a week now. I think right now I'm just finally starting to get better. (Hopefully.) It is quite painful and I can't hear anything out of my right ear at all. There also feels like there is this pressure and there's this constant ringing in my ear. I just want my mom to ask me if I'm ok, if I'm feeling better, to sympathize with me. I've been SO sick the last few months--I've had to be treated for a bladder infection three times, two yeast infections, tooth infections, and now this. Yes, my godfather and his wife call to see how I'm doing at times. But they aren't my mommy. And I can advise you of a few things if you ever get Swimmer's Ear. First, don't go swimming. (Might be ok to do IF you use ear plugs, check with your doctor.) Secondly, don't use ear drops to clean your ears. Thirdly, don't poke your finger around and/or try to get rid of the drainage. Fourthly, don't have a fan right next to the infected ear. Fifth, never, ever, EVER use Q-Tips in your ear. I ended up already having to visit the doctor to get my ears cleaned because I decided to use them to clean my ears. And chances are they are the cause of the Swimmer's Ear. And lastly, use ear plugs when showering. (When and if you have Swimmer's Ear, that is.) I've been subjected to even worse pain because I chose to do all of the following (or not do, as in the case of the ear plugs.)

We're not even halfway through July and I'm spent already. If I hear the sounds of the family behind me having one more BBQ, I just scream. If I hear the sounds of them having another fun time on the deck, I might yell. Even the sounds of silverware clinking plates is getting to me. I just miss the good old days at times. Having a BBQ on the deck. Enjoying the cool breeze as the sun goes down. I went to my godfather's last night for a bit. Their daughter and her boyfriend were going back today so I kind of went to get together with them before they went back. Their son was there. I just felt so left out...they really weren't paying much attention to me...I only had MY memories, not theirs. Well, I take it back, I didn't really feel left out, just that I didn't really belong. But yet, the kicker is they all treat me like a person and with respect. They don't make fun of me. They don't make me feel like dirt. Maybe I just keep thinking that they feel something different when you belong, when you have a title in the family. Maybe I just don't know how to feel since I never felt it before. I just know that I was so peaceful last night. The most peaceful I think I've been in my entire life. Just so confusing. On the flip side, I am actually enjoying summer quite a bit. I'm getting out, doing stuff. I never did that the last three summers, but finally I'm enjoying it to some degree.

It doesn't sound stupid, something. I can understand what you mean. I remember thinking after I lost my dad that now I could only talk about my mom--not my dad. It was hurtful and sad at the same time. I used to work at the pharmacy and almost every single student there seemed to want to know where my parents were. I hated saying anything though. Then I got the, "I'm sorry"'s...and they were the worst. I never went to work to dump my problems or anything so I tried to keep quiet as much as possible. I also find I downplayed what happened a lot, too. More or less explained that they had been ill and it was ok. Take care.

Seroquel is not just used for patients with bi-polar and schizophrenia. I imagine you were given a very low dose probably to help calm you when you are sleeping (though Ativan does the same thing) and only for a very short period of time. The pharmacist just has to tell you all aspects of the medication, even if it's not what the doctor prescribed it for. I'm glad to hear that everything with your husband is working out ok. My thoughts are with you.

No, I haven't heard of such a case happening, but it doesn't surprise me. If the will didn't indicate you as executor of the estate, then unfortunately, you are SOL. I couldn't even have a power bill sent to my freaking house because I wasn't executor. You took the right steps in going to a lawyer. Not sure why you weren't informed by anyone that your father had passed. Perhaps family assumed you already knew. Are you in touch with any of your family and/or friends of your father or mother? I find it hard to believe that NO ONE told you. However, you hadn't contacted the place where your father resided during this time either, though you knew he was dying? Perhaps you were seen as estranged from the family or something, I don't know. As far as the will is concerned, not sure of the laws in your area, but I know that I had to sign off on the will, though I was not an executor. If your father had dementia and there was medical proof to substantiate that, you may have a case. I still could have contested the will. A lawyer should be able to assist you. Take care of you, Shauna

My father passed away January 16, 2004. Since I've since lost my mother, any signs that I ever had I could never pinpoint exactly who they are from. I guess I've always assumed they were from her. But on Jan 16 of this year, I was at my godfather's store. I was smart and went to pick up something on one of the shelves, knocking a breakable to the floor and smashing it. There was always this debate that my father was convinced my godfather would think I was a nothing and he'd never put up with me and then after the deaths of my parents, I ended up moving to the place where my godfather has a store and even worked in one of his stores for almost a year. So I knew that sign was from him. During the time I lived here, I never broke anything; not even when I worked there. Oh, I did smash a glass at my godfather's on Christmas Day. Then I was at a gaming site that I normally go to yesterday. I have a lot of friends that say hi to me and stuff. One person called me, "shauno". (No one can ever get shauna right. Anyway, that was the first time to my memory that anyone called me that online. My father used to call me that. Couldn't get "shauna" very well. lol Nice to know he's still around.

roseann, Two years and almost nine months. Thank you for the comment on my name. I don't want you to think that the journey has gotten "easier", it's just become easier to deal with. Shauna

My heart goes out to you, Sinatra. First thing I wanted to touch on is that you may not be SOL with the house and your mom's assets. I'd speak to a lawyer, but my father died without a will; with my mother still living. I still had to sign papers saying that I wouldn't contest it. I am not sure how much you would have to contest, but I believe that legally the lawyers have to take into consideration any and all persons that could legally be entitled to the estate. Regarding your stepfather, perhaps you could keep the lines open with him. Let him know that if he cleans up his act, he can contact you. He is hurting, too. He needs to deal with it and probably has as much guilt, if not more, than you. My relationship with my family was pretty restricted for about a year after I lost my mom. The one other thing I want to mention is don't think that if you have millions of other people in your life it would make it easier. Fact is, you lost your mom and no one and I mean no one can ever come close to her. I have two brothers and the fact that I have them hasn't made the loss of my mom any easier. I also have a godfather and his wife, who actually treat me better than my parents did, and it hasn't made it easier. Take care of you and keep posting. We all understand, to some degree. I have no kids and I can't imagine how bittersweet your newest arrival must have been. Shauna

rosanne, I have to say that the week before the first anniversary was about a gazillion times harder than the actual day. My advice to you is to take each day as it comes and be honest to yourself. If you want to take the day off work, then do it. I always say that my mom was my mom for 27 plus years, it's ok that I grieve her during these times. rosanne and deb, I will say that I am NOT the same person I was almost 33 months ago. I basically had to build a new Shauna. I still can't do many of the same things that I did before she died. But do I feel joy in my life? Do I feel normal? In a word, yes. Not the same normal that I felt before. A new one. It has taken a long time. This year is the first summer that I've enjoyed the flowers in I don't know how long. Sorry, spring. I notice the little things again. In a way, I kind of miss the first year. I found it somewhat of a special time between me and my mom. I still miss her, but it isn't as raw as it was. I'm glad that I grieved her for as long as I did, because I won't have that chance again. I don't know how much of what I wrote made sense. Shauna

starkiss, Have you thought about doing an online search? Many of those you don't even need specific areas, just the state. I am not sure how much of a help it will be to you, but good luck. BTW, doesn't things like this just bring home the fact that you no longer have your parents? I have an uncle on one side; godfather on the other to ask if I have questions. But, boy, wish I had my parents to ask questions of at times. Or, heck, even hear one of the old stories again. Take care, Shauna

Leeann, You bet I pat myself on the back. lol It is a process, isn't it? Funny. Before I lost my mom, the things I thought. When my dad died, he died without a will. So my mom had a will done up "just in case". I thought that a will made it all easier, that you just divided everything up according to the will and it was all done. WRONG. I didn't know you could contest a will. Maybe that isn't true in all places, but I could have. I also am not sure to the extent that I could have contested it, but I always assumed that what you put in your will was that--it was written in stone. WRONG. It's just been such a long journey. By no way is my journey over yet, but at least all of this is. From getting rid of the animals, changing my phone number, moving, selling the house, and then finally settling the estate--it's just been hard. I thought that it would hurt more to have the last thing of my mom's changed, but it didn't.

I am not sure I know how to feel. It's a relief that it's all over and done with. This last month has been heck on earth. I finally am starting to feel a lot freer than I did even yesterday. The depression that was hanging over my head seems to be lifting to some degree. I honestly would get out of bed the last week or so to go back in it again.

leeann, If it is someone who has business being there, that's a completely different story. I'm talking about complete strangers who tend to make it all about themselves. You know who I'm talking about. The gawkers, etc. The people who stop and stare and just want to be a part of it. My mother didn't die with family surrounding her and we didn't know she was going to die. I feared it and even tried to prepare myself for it, but didn't know it. And it peeved me to no end the people who tried to comfort me and put their nose in my business when they had absolutely no business doing so. I didn't agree with the part that said about the "get over it" though. Some things, and a tragic accident such as thing, you just never do. And maybe this is all completely out of context, I've been quite out of it the past couple of weeks so just maybe ignore me.

I am commenting solely on the article, haven't read any of the replies. I agree with the article writer though, grief should be kept private. I look at it this way. I would not have wanted oodles of strangers prancing through my mother's bedroom, the place where she died. She was not an object, her death was not an occasion for the front page of the newspaper. I would not have wanted children at her wake, funeral, or burial place. I would not have wanted oodles of people who never lost a parent to try to comfort me. Basically, I wanted people who knew me or my family there and that was that. I wouldn't want my grief to be publicly put on display. If the person who lost the person wanted to speak out, that's different. But to have the media and complete strangers jump on it??? Now, don't get me wrong. There is nothing and I mean nothing wrong with actually placing things at these sites. Just the idea that most of these people are complete strangers always gets to me. You could always send a nice card, send a donation to the a charity, etc, but you don't have to make yourself part of the grieving.

Deb, Honestly, I'd talk to your mom. I was able to understand my parent's deaths a lot easier than my grandparents. I was older and was better able to understand. Regarding your grandfather...hon, I don't think anyone let him die--even himself. He may have just known that it was his time. Both my parents did. He might just wanted to have made it as easy as possible on the family. The worst thing in the world you can watch is a loved one die. Is it possible for you to talk to your uncle? Perhaps you could be able to help your mom and uncle bury the hatchet. You are not involved in that, no matter what either of them say. You were only two, you could not have done something at that age to cause them to stop speaking to one another. Shauna

starkiss, I wonder if there is something with the chain. I'll explain. On my dad's four-year anniversary, I was at my godfather's store and broke something. I also broke something on Christmas Day at his house (just a glass.) Since I've moved here, they are the ONLY two things I've broken. I worked in my godfather's store for almost a year and never broke anything. I've also been to his house many times and he has a LOT of expensive breakables. Never broke anything before, but the glass, which he has about thirty others of. Now I have some questions for you. Let's just say you won $100,000 instead of losing it. Would that really have settled well with you? Winning all that money and no mom to share in the winnings with. If no one had called when you were around, would that have made anything better? Or would you still have felt sad because of the day it was and the fact your mom isn't here? Let's say none of them went drinking. Would that have anything better? To you, what was the whole point of the trip? To have a good time--or to go back where you lost your mom and face it square in the eye? I'd say it was to face it and that, my dear, you did just that. It isn't a very easy thing to do. I still have trouble going clothes shopping at the store where I went with my mom, etc. My heart isn't in it. And I could never spend much time in the room where my mom actually died. I cannot imagine doing what you did. You went there, you stayed a few days--I understand the full length of time, too. That is pretty brave of you. You may not have had the best time in the world, but what has been easy on this danged road? Everytime we turn around there's another first, another battle to overcome. Take care of you, Shauna

Deb, I know from your other post that you have gotten a sign. In case I didn't tell you, you have to look all around you for signs. I'd say at least half of my "signs" are not really signs, but rather things that I've just converted into signs. What I mean by this is that say I'm low on cash and I win $100, that may not be my mom's doing, but I've chosen to believe it is. First Mother's Day is a rough one. I remember my first one only too well. I was completely blitzed on some meds and I'd cut my arm to heck. I cut at times that were really stressful and that certainly fit the bill. Haven't done it since and won't do it again. This year, I just slept the three days away. Leeann is right, there are smoother days ahead. First year is a really rough one. The way that I looked at it is that she was my mom for 27 years, the least I could do was mourn her for the first year anyway. Ended up being over 2 years, but that's ok. Take care of you, Shauna