JoeA

Thanks Mike. I'm not even going to tune in on the discussion. Just left my comment. I doubt they could get it even if they tried. As I think I said before, you and I are on similar paths. Take care of yourself. - Joe

I want to let everyone know about an article in the Washington Post and an online discussion of the article. The article is about the “discovery” of a biological basis for what the authors call “complicated grief”, which sounds like any grief that doesn’t fit the their idea of “proper” grief. It made me angry, and I submitted an angry question. I anticipate an ice-cold clinical response, but who cares, what the h*** do they know about my grief? A link to the article can be found at (you have to register but it’s free) www.washingtonpost.com/science There is also a link to the online discussion at the same place. The online discussion starts at 11:00 am EDT. I can also email the article to anyone who would rather not register on the Washington Post web site. - Joe

Remarkably, I never saw that one. I'm going to though. You would not steer us wrong John. Thanks, and peace and love for you as well - Joe

Kim – Of course you’re in the family. It sounds like Dan’s sister is dealing with a load of guilt, and there is no way you can help her with that. You’re dealing with enough. Focus on the rest of the family. It sounds like they care for you and they know the truth. Have your memorial, it sounds like a great idea, and just focus on the memory of Dan, and his very real presence in those who are there that were truly a part of his life. Peace to you, - Joe

Vickie - Thank you for sharing your story. It's hard to focus on the good memories when the last years are consumed with supporting your loved one through the suffering and indignities of declining health. My wife was like your Pat, never yielding her grace, dignity, kindness toward others. It is in those times that we prove our love to each other. You because you stayed with him, continued to give him your love and support, and Pat because he did not let his suffering defeat him or his love for you. When love is proven like that, really tested in fire, it endures. Forever. Peace and love always - Joe

Vickie - Have you shared your story here? It might help - "grief needs to be heard to heal". Also, you could stop trying to be someone else's idea of "normal". You're grieving. That's like alien abduction. You've been taken, against your will, to a strange planet. Your posts show a lot of pain. Have you looked for any sort of support locally? Many Hospices have grief support open to anyone. I have found it very helpful. It might be worth the effort to find one. I wish I could offer more. We're here to listen, and we do care. - Joe

Mark, I hear you. Carol sounds like my Kathy. We were married 29 years, and the last four years were a terrible struggle with cancer. I know what you mean about courage and strength, and always thinking of others. The last night of her life, in the hospital, our pastor was visiting, and after he annointed her and prayed with us, she said to him “You look tired – are you OK?”. We were blessed to have these women in our lives Mark. I truly believe that the depth of our pain is simply proof and result of the depth of our love, and that is enough. It has to be enough, it’s all we have now. Please take some time and read through past postings. There is a lot of wisdom here, all gained the hard way. And please know that there is a great group of people here who do truly understand, and who do truly care. Peace and love always, - Joe

Oh God, I hear you Mike. The way I see it, there must be a heaven, because this is certainly hell! Hang on any way you can. We just have to believe the unbelievable, that somehow, some day this pain will lessen. Of course we will never forget, never "get over it". But maybe, if we hang in, things will improve. Night is always the worst time for me. Some nights I can't sleep at all. Time, which under other circumstances is always passing too quickly, now drags so slowly it's agonizing. Sometimes it does help to put it out here to the group, and know there are others out there who do really care, even when you don't get a response right away. Peace to be with you tonight and always. - Joe

Thank you all for the caring response to my plea! Your support means so much because I know that you are all travelling a similar road. Wendy, I know you’ve had a lot on your plate for too long now, and I do keep you in my prayers. As for birthdays, mine is May 10. Kay, for your friend who struggles with crying, here’s what the poet and author Maya Angelou has to say: It is healthy and honorable to weep at the loss of someone we love. Healthy because such passion must be released. Honorable because it is respectful to admit the importance of people who have loved and supported us… people whose footprints cannot ever be matched. Peace and Love, - Joe

Just four months after losing my wife of 29 years I had to bury my father. The day I returned home to Maryland last week, I learned of the death of a friend in my church. I attended the funeral today. At the funeral my pastor informed me that another friend is in hospice care and will surely not live long. Enough already! - Joe

Everyone - Please note the subtitle when I originally started this thread - "Just venting". It's just the way I was feeling at the moment, although to be honest it's the way I feel more often than not. I do understand that it's still early (4 months), and although it doesn't seem possible right now, I do hold onto hope that there will be better days ahead. As always, thanks for being there, and I wish for all Peace and Love, - Joe

Sherry - Wow! What a great song. Thank You! I did not know about Merideth. She's quite good. Of course I can't listen to it without tears, but hey, that's the new "normal", isn't it? Mary Linda, I hope you can listen to this song too. Let the tears flow. I know sometimes it feels like they'll never stop, but they always do, at least for a while. Remember we're all here for you, and we love you. Peace and love, - Joe

Mike - I am sorry for your loss, but this is a good place and I hope you continue to visit. Your dear wife sounds so much like my Kathy. We were also married just shy of 29 years. On her very last night in this life, in the hospital, our priest visited to annoint her and pray with us. After the prayers, she looked at him and said "you look tired - are you OK?". She actually got him to open up about some problems he was wrestling with - and even gave him some advice! Kathy also had a beautiful smile with which she graced everyone's life every day. We were both very fortunate to have had these angels in our lives Mike. I know it hurts like hell, that all hope and all meaning seem to have died with them, but their love will remain and I believe that will see us through. I also personally believe that we will see them again, but that's a matter of faith. God bless you and keep you, - Joe

Thank you Sherry. One of the first condolences I received was a CD with this song, from an old friend who lost her husband 6 years ago. From some of your previous posts, I know that you can appreciate the following: "Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again, and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." John 16:22 (NIV) Peace and love, - Joe

John – Thank you for having the courage and strength to write “Finding My Banana Bread Man”. It’s a touching story, and has helped me in my own “journey through mourning.” Thank you for the very idea and powerful argument for reconnecting with rather than “letting go of” a lost partner. I find myself on a similar path, and your experience, so well articulated, has given me confidence and hope on this path. A couple weeks ago I was asked to do a scripture reading at a niece’s wedding. The scripture is one commonly used for weddings, from one of Paul’s letters to the early Christian community in Corinth. It’s a description of the Christian concept of love. In it are the words “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things… love never fails.” Everyone asked if I thought I could get through it, and I even wondered myself. But thinking about my own journey, I realized that I actually believed what I would be reading, and the truth of that belief carried the day! John, I also thank you for your list of books that you found helpful. I have benefitted from a number of those books, particularly the books about mindfullness, “Grieving Mindfully” and “Wherever You Go – There You Are”. Mindfullness was a new concept to me, and I have found some additional resources to help me understand and apply the concept to my own personal journey. Peace and love, - Joe

What I would like to say when they ask (every damn day) "Is everything OK?" or "Are you OK?": NO. Nothing is OK. Nothing will ever again be OK. There are no more hopes, no more dreams, no more plans. It’s not even one day at a time. It’s one step at a time, one breath at a time. For the rest of my life here on this strange planet. (thanks for listening) - Joe

Walt – I’ve asked all these same questions. I’m still working on them, but here are some thoughts I hope might help. The first two questions have no answer. They’re just a cry in the dark. We hear you and we are here for you in any way we can be supportive. The next three questions – the “Why didn’t I” questions – are something all of us in this group have experienced. We all have had regrets. It is important to process these regrets. Recognize them for what they are. Forgive yourself. Ask your wife for forgiveness. That may sound crazy, but try it anyway. It worked for me, and it has worked for others. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross herself recommends it (“On Grief and Grieving”). As for “accept” and “move on”, well, how can anyone accept something so completely UN-acceptable? Again, from Kubler-Ross: “Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being allright or okay with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel okay or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage (acceptance) is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it okay, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live.” Please know that you are not alone. We are all struggling. Peace, - Joe

Elizabeth - One of the Eucharistic prayers of the Roman Rite appeals to God, “...and all the dead whose faith is known to you alone.” Final judgment about the disposition of someone’s soul after death rightly belongs to God alone for God alone knows each human heart. The Church does not presume to pass judgment in matters of salvation or damnation. - Joe

Dear Kathy - Oh dear, "be happy" is a very tall order. From my point of view impossible. But please be assured that you are loved. The light of my life was also named Kathy, and it's been 3 months since that light was extinguished. I am so sorry that you don’t have the support you deserve from the children, but maybe they are disabled by their own grief. I’m drinking a glass of wine also. Let’s toast to the loves of our lives, who will live forever in our hearts. Stay with us - there will be better days ahead. - Joe

Bob and Marty - I'm trying to understand but failing. If we accept that life is difficult it is no longer difficult? Does that mean that the loneliness, sorrow, emptiness, the tears, will end? Or does it mean that the pain of our loss continues but is no longer difficult? Is this something like the concept of "mindfullness"? That's another concept I'm struggling with. I wish I could make these concepts work, I really do. I'd love to move beyond this pain and resume something like a life. - Joe

This may be old news to some of you, but it helped me so much I had to share. I just read the article posted by Marty (“Pain Is Inevitable, Suffering Is Optional”) - thank you Marty. At the end of the article is a link to the author’s web site, and there I found an article which was even more helpful for me personally. The author is Nan Zastrow, who along with her husband runs a web site called Wings (www.wingsgrief.org). The article is titled “How Are You?”, and it uses that difficult question to discuss the process of recovering from grief (a process that never actually ends). If you go to their site, select Articles, then Fall 2007. As I say, it helped me a lot, hopefully it could be helpful to others. Peace, - Joe

Kathy – It’s so disappointing, isn’t it? We are struggling to understand who we are, trying to find a life again. In my experience so far, most of my former relationships have broken. That includes old friends and family. Just two months after the death of my wife, most of these people cannot tolerate my grief. Some of these people, I thought, loved my wife too. Yet they seem to want her buried and gone from their lives. Fortunately, there are also others who still love her, still want to remember her, understand that I am grieving and listen and support me. The thing is, I could not have predicted where that support would come from. Sometimes it comes from unexpected sources. I think that’s the beginning of putting together a new life. Finding the relationships that have survived this tragedy, and staying with them. The others may come along later or not, but right now we can’t spend too much of our short supply of energy on them. - Joe

Sherry - Monday will be my first anniversary without my wife - it would have been our 29th. What a great idea you had making a memorial. I chose to go to the ocean where we often celebrated our anniversary. I read in CS Lewis' 'A Grief Observed' that he tried going to places special to them and found it no more difficult than anywhere else. As he put it "Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything." I find the same. It hurts no more and no less than anywhere else. So I have discovered I don't have to fear going to places just because they were special to us. I cannot find the joy I would have if she were with me, of course. But we shared a strong love of nature, and I found that I can still access that love, if I allow that it feels different now. Everything feels different of course. Again, from CS Lewis: "I suppose that if one were forbidden all salt one wouldn't notice it much more in any one food than in another. Eating in general would be different every day, at every meal. It is like that. The act of living is different all through." Sorry for rambling. I wish for all a holiday of good memories. - Joe

Thank you Wendy, Lily, Derek. I know there are no real answers to these questions, but it's good to know someone is "listening" and caring anyway. Derek - funny, my pastor gave me the same advice (don't start a new relationship too soon), and as you said, my response is "farthest thing from my mind". But the thought of 20 or more years with no companion is also awful. I can't even think about it now. Thanks again, - Joe

When people ask me “How are you?”, I would like to say, “I don’t even know WHO I am”! Really – who the h*** am I? For 29 years, in our community, in our church, even in our workplace, where we both worked for over 25 years, we were known as a couple. I would never have had it any other way. I am proud of our accomplishments, proud of what we made of our life together. But now I am “one”. I don’t know how to be “one”. The person I was died with her. Who is the person left behind? How do I get to know him? Thanks for listening, - Joe