Lin_in_Cave Creek

Hi KayC, I cannot begin to tell you how upset this makes me knowing that someone as wonderful as you has had something so deceitful happen in their life. I remember when my first husband cheated on me and I had been grieving the loss of my dad at the time. I don't remember what I wanted to do first, but I do remember getting out of the relationship because I knew that I would never be able to trust him again, and I was right because I recently found out (20+ yrs later) that he is in jail for grand theft. I will never understand why God took Gene from me and continues to let someone like my ex and so many like him continue to live and breath. I know there is nothing I can do for you, but you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know God will give you the strength and courage to do whatever you need to do for YOU. Stay strong. We are here for you...Lin

Dear Kathy, Your experience reminds me of how I felt when I went back to NY this past Christmas to be with friends and family so that my sons and I would not be alone in AZ to deal with our first Christmas without Gene...how totally disappointing. Many of them had not seen us for quite some time and certainly not since Gene's deaath in Aug. 07. I was so hurt by those I looked forward to seeing but didn't make the time to see us. And just like you, those that I did see, kind of half-heartedly asked how we were holding up, and hardly listened as I answered their question. I have found that there are so few people that truly understand what we are feeling, and that's ok because we are survivors who will make it in life as a result of our experiences which have made us more caring and understanding people. Unfortunately for them, their turn will come (though we don't wish this pain on anyone) and it will be then that they will look for us to help them through their pain...and we will! I believe they are not intentionally trying to hurt us or ignore us, but rather just don't know how to deal with our pain, so they choose to ignore it. It doesn't make them a bad person, just a oonfused one. I've been told that our life as we once knew it no longer exists and that this is the "new normal." I, too, just rewrote my telephone book and eliminated many people that I haven't seen or heard from since Gene's passing. I found this website to be the best thing that has happened to me. It has helped me move forward while dealing with the loss of my husband. I recently had dinner with a friend (now 60) who lost her husband when she was 35 with 4 very young children, and she said, "the longer you allow yourself to dwell on the pain that others have inflicted on you, the less time you will have to grieve for your loss, and the longer it will take you to heal." This made sense to me because we all know that the more you allow yourself to grieve, the better you heal, and the sooner you can resume a "normal" life. Lin

Dear KayC, I remember having one of those years, and prayer was all I had. I never will understand why He does what He does, but I beleive in His power and love and know that He will never hurt us, but only help and guide us. God gave us understanding and patience for times like this. We feel your pain and are here with you. Right now your sister needs your strength and love. Things will work out...just keep praying. Lin

Ditto for me. But I can go one step further...it's usually at the end of the day as I'm getting ready to go up to my room for the night. I eventually make it to my room, but usually somewhere around an hour after I've started. Lin

Hi Kathy, It took 5 months for the numbness to wear down...and once it did, I was a basket case. It was just like the first couple of days where you walk around in a fog, in shock, and still don't believe it. Go with your feelings, whatever they are. Crying and saddness are part of the healing. And most importantly, DON'T listen to comments made by those that have no idea what you're going through. I remember everyone saying "at least he's not suffering or in pain any more." I was selfish in the beginning and would have rather had him here with me taking care of him, than gone no matter what. Yes, they were right, but I didn't want to hear it. I wanted him here no matter what the price. Please don't feel like you should be doing or feeling anything in particular...you've just lost your best friend, partner and love of your life, and have every right to feel and act whatever way you want. It's going to hurt for quite some time, but the pain will lessen with time, and eventually you will have some good days too, but for now cry, scream, and do whatever you want, as long as it help you grieve.Also, you may want to look into group counseling. In group, you get to meet and talk with others that are experiencing the same things as you, and it can do wonders for you to talk with them. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing. We are here for you...Lin

Dear Derek, I truly understand the "why didn't I do this," and "why didn't I say that," and all of the woulda, coulda, shouldas. For the year before Gene's death, he was not the man I married...he was hurting alot and somehow knew he was going to die within a year. He became a nasty person and kept our sons and I at a distance. He would tell us he was going to die soon and that we should get used to living without him. When repairs needed to be done, he would sit back or give me little assistance so that I would have to do it myself and learn how to do things. This was his way of preparing me for when he was gone...but you are never prepared, no matter how much time you have. We all know that we did our best with what God gave us. I wish things had been different, but they weren't and I'm learning to live with that fact. I believe that your wife's spirit is with you because of your friend, and that's why you're feeling the way you are. Go with it. She loves you and wants you to know she is still with you. God Bless...Lin

You all are exactly who I am looking for in my life...you listen, you're understanding, and I can be myself when I chat with you. Where would I be now had I not found this site. I don't know if I could actually go through with meeting another man, and my son tells me that I would probably compare every man to my husband and that he would most likely be the topic of conversation, and he's probably right, which would be unfair to the other person. Today I'm at that point of confusion and sadness, but fortunately not desperation. We talked about my feelings at group the other night, which really helped. I am looking for a friend, which is what Gene was more than anything else. I think now is not the time for decisions and I think a relationship would confuse me more than I already am, so I will keep posting and continue on with my life and wait to see what God has planned for me next. Thank you for answering my cries for help...Lin

Another BAD day! I can't get past the lonliness. Everything I do, I do alone. Everyone, except me, has moved on with their life. I miss doing the little things with him...talking about the day, working around the house, gardening, getting a bite to eat while shopping, last minute dinner dates. My teenage children are here every night (mostly playing video games), so it's not the same. I'm only 50, and sometimes I think about meeting a widower who is just as lonely as me. Would it be wrong to develop a friendship so that we could do all those things we did with our spouses. Do such relationships exist or does there always have to be intimacy? Is it "too soon?" I feel horrible for thinking about another man, but sometimes the lonliness hurts more than the missing, and when you put those 2 things together, there is such a big void in my life. I live 2500 miles away from my family, and the friends that I've made since moving here 10 years ago, hardly have time for me. I'm not even sure if this is what I want, but I do know I am very lonely and it sucks! Lin

Hi Scotty, You are brave. That was another small step taken that you were able to tell us about it. I still have Gene's ashes (9 months) because he didn't tell me where he wanted them sprinkled. I am not being cremated, so I've asked my children to bury his ashes with me when I die. Bless you...Lin

Dear Singledad2, We all know the journey you are taking, and unfortunately it's a long and painful one, but one that will make you a better person. This is one of "life's lessons." I have found myself to be more understanding and caring toward people, especially those that are having a hard time with illness and death of a loved one. I am the only survivor in my immediate family as I have lost my parents and siblings, but losing my husband has really changed me. I no longer worry about the small things or care about what people are saying. I care about only my children and me, and only the present state and not what tomorrow will bring. It's important to those who love you that you take care of yourself and do whatever is necessary to get through today. Sometimes having a chat with Julie and God will help to understand and see things more clearly. You will find, in time, what works best for you, and when you do just go with it, no matter what anyone thinks. Remember, right now it's all about you and your children and doing what's best to make it through this. We will always be here for you...Lin

Hello Singledad, I am so sorry to have met you, but truly understand your pain. I, too, lost my soulmate of 23 years to cancer just 9 months ago, and my children (16 and 10) lost a super dad. I was somewhat slower than others and thought I had it together, but the truth is that I had been walking around in a fog for 8 months before the fog began to lift and I began to realize that he was really gone, and I was alone and left to manage everything and raise our children. It was at about the 8 month anniversary that I fell apart, so I started group therapy, which I really enjoy and have finally met some very nice people who truly understand what grieving a spouse is all about, and found this site. When they say "how are you?" they really want to know. Posting is great and will help get you through those tough times, especially in the middle of the night when you awake, realize she's not next to you, and everyone you know is comfortably sleeping, and you can't go back to sleep. Please remember, your children need and love you, and are concerned about you. Do whatever you need to do that will help you get through this, and you WILL get through this, as we all are getting through this. I don't want to repeat what many others have already said, but I do want you to know that we totally understand and are here for you...Lin

Hi Shelley, I admire your courage. I remember how I felt when my mom died, 16 years after my dad, I felt so alone. Even though I had my husband (who is now gone) and my children, I still felt like a little kid (I was 42) who had been abandoned. You and I both know that your journey has not been easy, but you seem to be a strong person and I feel in my heart that you will be able to stand alone and stand tall. I always say that you haven't completely experienced life until you experience losing someone you love. It is unfortunate that you have to go full circle to find out where you stand in life, and to gain an understanding of why you are the person you've become. I wish you all the best as you move forward in life. Please keep us posted, and always remember we are here for you...Lin

Hi Jackie, You are definitely doing the right thing by coming here and posting. I can't believe that I'm just 2 1/2 mths shy of 1 year since Gene's passing, and I know I've healed somewhat, not fully, never will, but I am healing. You have a long, painful journey ahead of you, but you'll make it. As time passes, each attack will occur for less time and be less severe. It seems these attacks just happen, but when you get an attack go with it and tell yourself "I'm going to be ok." Only you know what feels right for you, and whatever your remedy is to ease your pain and help you heal is ok. I have different ways of coping, some ways I know would not be accepted by others, but I've lost my husband, soulmate and best friend, and feel very alone at times, so I'll do what is comforting to me to help me get through this nightmare. Remember, we are here for you...Lin

I've often said the difference between acquaintences and friends...acquaintences say "call me if you need anything," and friends call and ask "what do you need?" Lin

Hi Kathy, That is a beautiful letter, one that reminds me of writings I found when Gene died. He had been keeping a journal since 2004. He didn't know for sure that he would be diagnosed with another cancer in 2007, but his writings told of how he felt (physically and mentally) and that he was going to die soon after he turned 60 (he died 1 month after his 60th birthday in 8/07). Somehow he knew, as I'm told most cancer patients do. He wrote about his feelings and relationship with me and our sons. I also found money in an envelope marked "For Funeral." It was amazing how he tried to prepare himself and everything around him for his death, including labeling the cabinets and drawers in his workshop so that I could find tools when needed, and by leaving me a list of tradesmen that he worked with that would be able to help me with home repairs if I couldn't do it myself. In the end, he was concerned about me and our sons, not himself. He was a braver person than me because I still have a hard time accepting he's gone. At times, I also find myself expecting him to walk through the door at the end of the day, even though I know that will never happen again. Lin

Hi Kathy, I also understand your pain. It's now 9 months since Gene died. When I'm having a sad day, I find it helpful to talk to Gene and God. I let the tears flow, while letting the sadness and anger out. I find that it really helps to talk to someome, verbally or e-chatting. I love posting. Today is my first Mother's Day without him, and he won't be sitting across from me at the restaurant, and although I would prefer to dine at home so that I don't have to see other women sitting across from (or next to) their husband or significant other, my sons want to take me out...bless their young, innocent hearts, so later today I will go out and make the best of it. This morning I awoke and immediately began gathering tools to put together an audio cabinet. Before I began, I had a chat with Gene (as though he was in the room) asking him to help me. I could see him lovingly goofing on me because he knows I know very, very little about handyman work. Gene was a jack-of-all-trades and did everything. When he learned that he was not going to survive this cancer (#4), he labeled all drawers and cabinets in his workshop so that I would at least be able to find whatever I needed to do a project, and made a list of tradesman to call if I was a total failure. Gene must have been guiding me today because the audio cabinet came out great! Karen, in answer to your question, whenever I'm feeling sad and alone, I talk to Gene and indulge in a project or watch a TV show that will make me feel like he's here with me and close to him. Please keep posting...it's part of the healing and recovery. We are here for you. May God bless you and keep you in His care...Lin

Hi KayC I was just reading through some of the posts, and was wondering if John has had a chance to see a doctor now that his waiting period is over. Please remember us and let us know when he does and what the doctor says. May God bless you and keep you both in his care, Lin

I am so sorry for your loss and can feel your pain. Every morning I sit and read the posts, have a good cry and then I am ready to start my day. I lost my husband 9 months ago after a 4 month battle with cancer. I don't feel like I've healed much, but I do know that I have begun to heal, as I can smile sometimes and remember him without crying. There have been times when I thought I couldn't make it to the next day. You will find something that brings you peace and go with it when you're feeling sad and alone. I found it best not to think about what lies ahead, but rather to try to make it through the day. My kids (16 and 10) and I have made it through our birthdays, the holidays, and our wedding anniversary but know the next few months will be tough with Father's Day, his birthday and 1 year anniversary. We are making it, and you will to. Just take it slow and know we are here for you. Hugs, Lin

Hi Kim, You sound so much like me. I'm just 9 months out, 50 yrs young with 2 young children (we started late) and left with no one to talk to except those that still have their husbands. The latest quote from a married friend was "at least you're still young enough to remarry." After I stared at her for what seemed like several minutes, I said "and I would want to do that why?" I, too, have had someone tell me that I need to "let go" and "move on." I wonder if she will take her own advise when she loses her husband of 50 years. She should know that we wouldn't wish this pain and lonliness on anyone. I've often said that if I ever answered the question, "How are you?" people would leave with their head's spinning, and I bet they would never ask me that question again. Kim, you do whatever is best for you. I used to worry about what people thought, but since my husband's passing, I worry about my children and me, and that's it. Unfortunately, society has left us a little callus, but in time as we heal, we will return to being the loving and caring people we really are. But for now, we need to do what helps us heal, and if not worrying about others is helpful to our healing, then it will have to be that way. Tonight, for the first time, I joined a counseling group. I don't know if it will work for me, but I'm willing to give it a go. At least everyone in the room understood how I felt and could relate to what I was talking about. As everyone else has said, we are here for you...Linda

Hi Gail, My kids are still in school and nowhere near fathering a child (at least I hope not) but I often think of how my husband won't be here to see my kids graduate high school or college, or see them marry or be able to play with our grandchildren...then I get angry, talk to him and cry. When I compose myself, I feel better and move on. What keeps me going is that I know he is watching over us and doing whatever he can from above, and if that's all I get I will take it because I know he IS with us, maybe not physcially but spiritually. We all continue to have our ups and downs, and although we don't understand it at times, we learn that that's the way it will be for some time and accept it. Whatever your feeling just go with it because each step, each day and each tear brings us that much closer to healing. Linda

Good Morning, Every morning I sit and read some of the messages posted here, and always hear someone talking and relating to what I'm going through. Tonight I'm having dinner w/a friend. We havent' gotten together since my husband died almost 9 months ago, but we'll dine tonight and she will pretend that she understands and offer suggestions, but then she'll go home to her husband of 40+ years and I'll go home to my kids. Thank God for them. They hate to see me cry, but they don't understand either. I sometimes would just rather indulge in a glass or 2 of wine and go to sleep early than be with people. After 8 months, I have finally decided to join group counseling so I can sit and talk amongst people who are just like me...alone after so many years. My hospice counselor told me that it would be good for me to join a session, so I'm going to try it. Besides this place, I haven't found anyone who can listen and understand what I'm talking about. I will let you know how it goes...Lin

I am so glad I found all of you. I can't begin to tell you how much better I feel knowing that everything I'm experiencing is normal for what I've been through with my husband's death. So many things that you have said, especially the "kind" words from friends and family is exactly what I've heard, but what really upsets me is when people say "let it go and move on." I want to scream. How do they expect for you to forget or get over someone that you've spent your life with for 20+ years. And where did all of our friends go? Face it, now that we're widowed, we really don't have much in common with married couples...we do everything alone now instead of with our mates. Someday I will have a life, but for now my life is my grieving and that's ok because it's part of the recovery. Now that I've had a taste of what it's like to share my feelings with others who are just like me (on this website) and visa versa, I've decided to join a couple of group counseling sessions. Thanks to all of you, I feel I am going to be ok, maybe not right away, but in time I will be doing more than just existing. For those of you who live in the Phoenix area and would like to get together for a live meeting, please e-mail me. You have inspired me to plan a meeting where we can share our feelings and experiences. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Here's to us...Lin

Hi Patti, Thank you for your encouraging words. Gene also had a motorcycle, which he rode for 2 years before his last diagnosis of spinal cancer. It broke my heart to look at the motorcycle in the garage for months after his passing, so I sold it for dirt cheap to a friend just to get it out of my sight, and I knew that it would be put to good use. I will go on, if for no other reason, for my kids. I am so glad I found this website. I cry the entire time I'm on it,but I feel good afterwards and am able to go about my business for the rest of the day. Does anyone ever get together for group discussions? I've just started looking into it as I said the numbness is just starting to wear off. Pls keep me posted about the gathering, I would love to join you. Lin

First, I would like to apologize for the lengthiness of this, but it's been so long since I had anyone to listen to me, share my feelings with or understand me. It's been almost 9 months since Gene died, and I feel more alone today than I did in August. As each day passes, I feel less and less numb, but more and more sad, frustrated and alone as reality continues to set in. It was Gene's idea to move here from NY 10 years ago. He hated living in NY and wanted a better life for us. So, we quit our jobs, sold our house and moved here with our 6 year old son and another in my belly. For the first 6 years things were good, but then the cancers came and for 3 1/2 years we fought them, but they won and took Gene's life at the young age of 60, leaving behind 2 sons (16 and 10), and me. After 23 years of living with my soul mate, I'm now 50 years young and alone. Yes, I have my sons, but there is no other family and no support network here. I feel robotic, programmed to get through each day. Each day brings more sadness as I try to keep going...working, taking care of the kids, plus the everyday stuff including maintaining the house which I know very little about as he did all the repairs around here. Everytime I pick up a tool to fix something I cry, and cry harder when I can't fix it. There seems to be so much to do everyday. I awake at 4:30 and don't stop til 9pm. I don't know how I am going to keep up this life. LIFE -- I don't even feel like I have one anymore. I have no one to talk to at night, to share the day with, to hang out with and say nothing but know what I'm thinking. No one to help me - physically and emotionally. I've thought about moving back east, but my parents and siblings are all deceased, and my uncles and aunts are gone too. I have a few cousins, 2 nieces and a nephew who could hardly find the time to see me when I made a trip there this past Christmas. Besides AZ is the only home my kids know. Bad enough they lost their dad, but for me to now turn around and disrupt their lives again by moving away would be so selfish and thoughtless of me. I used to be very active in my church, and was president of the women's group, but stepped down a few months ago because I had too much on my plate and if I didn't give up something, I would have hit a brick wall. But when I gave up my presidency, it seems all those "good" catholic friends disappeared. I feel so empty and so alone. Gene's death changed my life in ways that I never thought one person could. There are times when I don't want to get out of bed, but must because I have a small in-home daycare business and 2 children of my own that depend on me. Falling apart is not an option. And I just love those that ask "how are you? or "how have you been?" or "how are you holding up?" Do you think they really want to know? If I told them how I really felt, they would probably walk away with their head spinning, and never ask that question again. So I ask you, is there life after his death? Lin