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25 Points Of Interest

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I have been reading a book recently called The Loss of a Life Partner by Carolyn Ambler Walter. It is an excellent book. It puts together the stories of various people from different walks of life – and recounts the story of their individual loss and how they have survived the loss. I took just one of these stories and picked out 25 statements made in this one story – and have listed them below. For me they speak volumes. In most case these are just “one line” sentences from one persons story of loss – but what is stated relates so well to what we have all experienced with our loss and continue to experience with the grieving process. I thought this could help us all. Here they are:

1.He had been very healthy up until about a year before he died.

2.But living without him has been the hardest thing to deal with.

3.It will never be the same – a sense of never being whole.

4.There is a part of you that is just gone.

5.There were times when I should have done more – there were times when I should have done less. (In reference to Care giving)

6.One of the hard things of the illness was the knowledge of knowing there wasn’t a hell of a lot you could do in any circumstance. You could care, you could love, you could bathe them, you could do tons of physical things, but the realization that nothing is going to turn this around is devastating. There was no question that this type of illness is irreversible.

7.The powerless of knowing that there was nothing that could be done is awful.

8.It got to the point where he needed total care a whole lot more than I could give.

9.It was emotionally and physically draining, in that nothing is going to change, and then not being able to communicate with him towards the end.

10. To this day I can remember his voice, his smile, his laugh..

11.I remember the initial pain, that emptiness – that hollowing – that literally your heart is ripped out.

12.Years later the dreams are more pleasant, and its not this painful letting go.

13.For me the making sense out of the person’s life more than the illness was one of the hardest things.

14.I want to make sure that the illness was not to be the defining feature of this wonderful persons life.

15.I saw a wonderful creative person die a horrible death.

16.Life becomes more precious.

17.So in a way I have become the keeper of the flame – and that has eased the grief.

18.And I do have a sense of needing to do something important or something worthwhile – or not to feel sorry or not waste time.

19.I have taken him with me – there is that spark of life that at some point we were connected – and a need to value him – and hold on to the good stuff.

20.I believe I have lost the person, but the love of that relationship goes on in time.

21.Its what worked – that spark of life – and that’s why we grieve so badly - because it’s lost. That ability to see past the pain, to see past the horrible loss, and to carry that spark with you is what I do now.

22.The hardest part is knowing that you will survive – that you’re going to have to get on with this.

23.My experience has made me value the human experience.

24.It took a long time not to feel everything was lost.

25. I can give everything up – give up the future for one more hour – and try to negotiate a week. If given the opportunity, I would give the future up to spend another hour with him. You just don’t get over it – you live with it in some ways.

I hope this helps.

Love to all,

John - Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

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Guest Guest_Vivian_*

Dusky: Thank you so much for connecting us all with those 25 statements. Sometimes I feel as though no one, no one could possibly feel the loss as deeply as I do. That no one had a relationship so intimate. While it is almost unbearable to accept the fact that nothing can bring our loved ones back, it helps a little to be reminded that others have traveled this very same road. Thanks again Dusky. Vivian

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Thank you John,

Everyone one of those statements I can relate to and I have printed them and put them in my journal where I write to Charlie when the need to speak to him gets so unbearable I need to put my feelings down on paper. Someday when I am gone my children can read my words and know how much I loved their father.


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