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It's hard to believe that 11 years have gone by. Gene's picture remains here next to my computer.....always will. Time goes by though my mind still has a hard time grasping the fact that it has been so long. We still hold all the love in our hearts. Perhaps our journey to this point can be a little hope to those new............we are still here finding our way carrying the ones we love with us. Joy comes in small things now as each day unfolds. As another year soon begins......thank you to everyone who began this journey with me, who were there when my words screamed as I typed, who were there when I needed a friend, those who reached out in their own pain, who listened and understood when friends and family could not understand , those who saved my sanity many times. For those early on in this journey........there is hope.......there is peace. On to another year. Wishing everyone good health and peace. Thank you Marty, WaltC, KayC, Larrysgirl, and all who helped me along this road. WaltC it is so good to know you are doing well.

KayC I'm so sorry to hear about this. You've survived the worst pain anyone can go through with the loss of George. You WILL survive this somehow. Everyone here has been uplifted by your strong spirit, determination, and faith. I know you will get through all this. Wish we lived closer.......I have two empty big bedrooms. My prayers and love are going your way. Always Gene! Always!

Oh WaltC........Love IS Forever and Always. I never see a butterfly without thinking about Jeanie and You. Be well my friend. Always Gene....Always!

Thank you WaltC for the nice greeting this morning. I started a "pitty party" last night and went bed before rather than THINK! I got up this morning remembering, remembering how this day would have started and continured..........it's remembering how much love Gene filled my cup of coffee with......the special breakfast he prepared....the yellow roses that would have been delivered yesterday......and oh, the smile and twinkle in his eyes as he so lovingly made this my special day. And it would end with one last "happy birthday", I love you, and a kiss good night. You are right about our little boats.....we're still there.....we weather all the storms and keep going forward. My wish for eeryone here........have a beartiful, special memory, remember we are all loved. Always Gene Always!

Deborah.........you are in my thoughts today. The 5 yr mark passed by for me June 11. The world keeps spinning around and somehow it still feels like I'm living in limbo. I can't grasp how time goes by so quickly even as days seem so long from sunup to sundown. Larry loves you still as much as you love him still. I hope tomorrow brings you sunshine as bright as Larry's love Always Gene Always!

Redwind, I am so sorry for your loss and I know that holds little meaning right now. I became a member of this group 5 years ago. So many have found their way to this site that is a life-line. Here everyone understands the pain. Someone will always be here to walk beside you through this journey. I so dearly miss my husband but the pain eases with time to a dull ache. I reply to your post because I also prepare for hurricanes......Mississippi. And I know it's hard to think right now and to have to deal with this on your own is hard. So maybe I can help by posting my way of preparing. The first year, the year my husband passed, all I could do was put all my importanant items in zip lock bags and then into an ice chest. I sealed the chest with duct tape. The first hurricane was 3 months after Gene passed. After that season I realized I needed to organize a little better since I had no intentions of moving. I spent a month scanning every photo I had and put them on a disc. I then vaccum sealed the disc so it would be safe. I now have a bigger ice chest w/rollers. Important papers and items go into zip lock bags and into the chest at the beginning of every season. If I should need to evacuate then I have everything ready to just load into my vehicle. I have my name, address, and phone no written inside the chest should it become seperated from me. I remember feeling so sorry for myself that first hurricane season. Had no power for 3 days but was thankful I had all the camping gear that we moved here from Arizona. I prayed for strength to figure it all out and I did what I needed to and got through it all. I've never had to evacuate (Natchez, MS) but I am always prepared to and the first thing....the chest....is already should the need arrive. I don't know how much "my way" may help. I know I couldn't think or make decisions for the first year of my journey. Having been born in South Lousiana I knew what to do to prepare.........no one told me how to do it alone and I reached way down inside to do it. But I know Gene was watching and proud that I could firgure out the coleman lantern. I wish you a peaceful season. You do not walk alone at this site. I wish a day of peace for everyone.

My physician's forms have a "widow" check box. I let him know I appreciate his approach to his patients...realizing there are others besides married or single. I've started making my own box on forms (other than IRS) and I write down widow. Oh, how that word brought me to my knees at first. Now it's my way of saying I LOVE.....I am LOVED....half of me is gone but the half here is still connected to my wonderful husband. I frankly don't care about the world's protocal or labeling. Always Gene!Always!

I've stopped asking myself why I hang onto some things. It'll be 5 years in June since Gene left this world. I've still got all his medical records. I still have the calendar for 2005 with all his doctor's appts and hospital stays and appts for tests. Now I've tried to get rid of the calendar.......just can't do it yet. I still have his aftershave bottles sitting where they've always been......I like to smell them once and a while, close my eyes, and let my mind wander in the memories. I still have his truck even tho I only logged 152 miles on it last year. I bought it for him as a retirement gift and he barely had time to drive it.......I can still see the amazing smile on his face. To me those things that I hang on to are parts of Gene's "life tracks".....the good parts, the bad parts. And as time has done with everything, time will tell me when it's time to put these things aside. I know in my head what makes sense.....my heart tells me something else. Right now my heart is still trying to heal. Always Gene! Always!

Hi KayC..........I'm still here but as you said "handling it alone", approaching the 5 yr mark. For me it's not lonliness.......it's the emptyness without Gene. Each morning I miss his smile, good-morning darling, kiss, and sharing the first cup of coffee. It's how each day starts. I end my days with a talk with God to show me what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life. I'm still waiting on an answer. My yougest son (36) and his wife were blessed with a baby girl on Christmas morning. I was flying in...litterly on the plane as she was to be delivered Dec 28th so it was a surprise. This new little tiny life should have brought so much joy into my life but all I could think about is she would never know the wonderful grandfather Gene would have been. All of my JOY left with Gene. I feel like an empty shell....I go through the motions but without emotions if that makes any sense. It is good to hear from you KayC. And it's again........a confirmation that I'm probably right where I am supposed to be on this journey........but I'm not alone. I know Gene wants me to be happy......I know George wants you to be happy......I just don't know what that is anymore. So again I start out the day...one step at a time. Always Gene! Always!

Fredzgirl, I know exactly how you feel. It's been a little over 4yrs since my beloved Gene left this world. It's still difficult for some members of family to hear me mention Gene's name....it's like they are so uncomfortable that they don't know what to say. But you know what.........I don't care. I talk about him all I want to and just ignore their ackward silence. I need to hear his name....I need to talk about him and they just don't understand.....they can't understand. I have learned to give myself permission to cry when I want to, to talk when I want to, to smile and laugh when I want to....and I've learned not to feel I have to hide my feelings because I might make someone uncomfortable. I can cry when I want to, talk about Gene when I want to, and even smile and laugh without feeling guilty. It's a hard journey. Along the way I found that I don't have to appologize for grieving. You talk about Fred........our husbands touched people's lives......it's memories that everyone can choose to be part of and the more we speak the more comfortable they will all become. Keep on talking about Fred......they are listening....they just don't know. Always Gene! Always!

Oh WaltC, how wonderful it is to know that Jeannie could reach out and let you know that she is happy. I know that feeling you have. It put a smile on my face and in my heart. I wish we could all have those special dream visits every night. Love is FOREVER! And Jeannie's love reached out to bring you a little peace. Always Gene! Always!

June 11 was the four year mark. It passed quietly with the world going by outside the silence within the walls of this house. It ceased being a home when Gene left this mortal world. I survive but as someone totally different now. I've made new friendships with wonderful people who never knew Gene but do ask often about who he was. Most friends "we" had have drifted away. And that's ok.....they would have a hard time recognizing "me"........I'm not the same person. And it's comforting being around people who are not afraid to stir the tears. Twice a week we gather (6-8 of us) for a game night of dominos/pot luck dinner. It gives me something to look forward to and sometimes something to just kick me out the door. Life is so empty without Gene's unconditional love to greet the mornings, fill in the days, to sweetly let the night close another day. So I survive the best way I can even though the new me feels like a cardboard me without Gene's love to bring joy into my life. I guess I'm as ok as I can be without the love of my life by my side. I don't know what's beyond the 4 years...for now I just am! Thanks KayC for bringing some of us oldies back even just for an update. I post little but do read often. Always Gene! Always!

It's not the loneliness............it's the alone-ness without the one who brought light into our lives with unconditional true love. Walt, we'll survive one day at a time. I try real hard to live so that one day I can be with Gene but it's hard. The songs you pass on this site speak what my heart feels. Be well my friend. Always Gene! Always!

Deborah, I am so sorry that you are struggling with so many issues right now. I'm approaching the 4 year mark and I do understand how grief continues to take it's toll on all of us. For me I've reconciled myself to the fact that "grief" is part of me now........it has to be since I carry Gene's love deep inside of my heart and soul. Melt downs come and I just don't fight them anymore......they will pass. I am sorry you are facing your son leaving. What a brave Mom you are to recognize that your son must live his own life. It is stressful and you must take care of yourself because no matter what your family needs you in their lives. I remember when my Mother told me she was tired of living (2 yrs before she died). I told her that no matter what I needed her in my life....I needed her voice and laughter...just knowing she was there. She passed 3 months before my darling Gene passed. You have survied the most pain I think we all can go through............you can survive this. I don't deal with stress very well anymore and I just tend to ignore those things and just let things fall where they may. Finances, well like all of us, it's a tough adjustment......it's almost cruel. But somehow that too has taken care of itself...don't shop....doesn't take too much to feed 1....close off rest of house from cooling and heating....little things for me make it managable and I am grateful for managable. Please Deborah continue to seek out the medical help. Your children really do need you. Our furry companions depend totally on us and are there loving us no matter what. It doesn't fill that empty spot in your heart.......nothing ever will. Sometimes the solitude in my own space is what I need. For me it's helped me in this grief journey. Thank you Deborah for being there when I needed a helping hand as we've traveled this road. Please take care of yourself. You have many friends here that dearly love you.

FOREVER........I understand Walt. You and Jeannie are in my thoughts and prayers. Always Gene! Always!

Deborah.........just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you today.

Oh Deborah. I understand. I'm just 4 months ahead of you. I do talk to Gene every day and sometimes I tell him how much I need him here with me. But it's me and my little dog each day. Today I looked at the three bottles of aftershave/colonge and still yet I can't throw them away. I dust the bottles, open them up and smell and remember, and place them back where they have always been. We miss them every day, every moment. At the end of each day I stare at his picture and remember. And if I stare hard enough, long enough I can almost feel him with me. Is it enough? No....it will never be. Every day is all about getting up and taking another step forward just to get to the next day. It's so lonely without the ones we love and miss so terribly. Deborah, I know how you feel, what you are saying in your words and between each word. I've given up looking for answers.........it is surviving. I've accepted what I can not change and cherish the memories I hold on to. I would be content to be able to see through the veil and see Gene smiling......his beautiful smile would make my heart tremble with joy. My heart beats but feels nothing anymore. When you get up in the morning I'll take the first breathe of the day and think about you and when I take my first step I'll be taking it with you. So in the morning remember someone is thinking about you and walking along side of you my friend. A wish for peace for all of us left behind. Always Gene! Always!

Dear WaltC, it is good to know you are here. It is really hard for my mind to grasp that it has been nearly 4 years since many of us met in this forum.........4 years without the ones we love so much. Feb 5th marked 4 years ago that Gene and I heard that now he was batteling liver failure along with heart failure. We never gave up hope and fought for every day we shared. I kept the 2005 calendar for that year with all the notes, appts, hospital visits. I finally was able to throw it away. For me maybe that's moving on because I just don't even know what that means. Sweet memories have replaced the dailey tears and I talk to Gene everyday. Our first Great Granddaughter was born 2 weeks ago and she'll never know the sweet, gentle, kind, loving man Gene was. But when she's older she'll hear and learn about the part of him that is now part of her. Tomorrow we'll wake up and take another step into another day and we'll bring Gene and Jeannie with us into the sunshine. Thank you for being my friend. Always Gene! Always!

This day 2005 we would have been doing whatever Gene wanted to do. Most of the time we enjoyed the simple pleasure of just sitting outside if the sun was shinning and just enjoying being together. He could no longer go for walks in the woods or build a fire outside to sit by and watch the stars. So we would dress warm, put on coats, and just sit and watch nature around the house. We knew he was loosing his battle with CHF and now also liver failure. We had won the battle the year before. I never gave up hope but I know Gene knew somehow that he would not be with me much longer. In three weeks, Feb 5th Gene would come to me with the news that the tell-tale signs were back. And June 11,2005 my sweet Gene's couragous fight would come to an end. I ended that day. I'm still trying to find out who I am supposed to be....will I ever be whole again? One day at a time, with a broken heart, but I go on. Gene said I had to accept reality......I do my darling everyday. I miss you every moment. "I love you" was never enough to say what my heart and soul felt....will always feel. I am grateful for the friends who have walked this journey along my side. How I wish none of us had to feel this pain. WaltC, I am happy to know that your are well. I too held on to my 2005 calendar until this past Christmas. It was something I decided to not leave for my children to find when I'm gone. I want them to remember the love and not all the heartache. I wish peace for all of us left behind. Always Gene! Always!

Deborah, I understand what you are saying. The new year brings a calendar that I look at realize I've survived over 3 1/2 years without Gene's smile..........and I don't understand how. Joy?? I don't think I know what that words means anymore. Being Happy.....I don't know what that is anymore. I have found a new circle of friends. They respect my feelings, give me space when I need it, give me support when I need it, and even though they never knew my darling Gene, they are truely interested in knowing who he was. I still take it one day at a time. And I take each day as it comes...no expectations, no plans, not knowing what I'll do from moment to moment. For me I've filled some of my time doing things for those friends who are much older than I am....who from time to time need help or support of their own. I love my children and grandchildren but they can not fill the hole in my heart. And since they all live in other states I don't get to see them much. They are still healing too so they know this is a long journey. We still shed tears over the phone but we share wonderful memories too. I still have Gene's colonge and aftershave on the bathroom counter. I open them up and smell the sweet scents Gene would use, close my eyes, and feel him around me. I still wear his bedroom slippers even though they are about to fall apart. I may have found some "peace" but joy and happiness just aren't there. I will always love Gene, I will always miss him. But I have accepted that this is my life. My heart beats with our love. Gene gave me 28 years of happiness and joy and love and I take that with me each step. Deborah, may tomorrw bring you peace in the knowing you Have Larry's Love....forever! And may all that you and Larry share bring sunshine into the darkness we all get through somehow. And thank you for the friendship you gave to me and many others as we walk this road. Always Gene! Always!

KayC, the pain dimishes but the memories never fade. Even as we continue with broken hearts, we know that we were all loved...unconditionally.........TRUELY LOVED! I still don't understand where time has gone for 3yrs, 4 months. I could not have survied without the strong support from all my dear friends here....thank you KayC. I think the "extra hour" was majical for you and George. Always Gene! Always!

I was blessed the day my best friend introduced me to Gene.....5 months later we were married. I was given a gift to be able to spend the last 13 hours reliving wonderful memories as he tried to stay in this world. Gene had his last heart attack in the ICU the morning before he passed. The next morning he was nearly in a panic, insisting that I go get his Living Will and I did as he asked at 6:00am that last morning.....the last thing my love could give him. During that last day he saw his mother...told his brother that she was young and so beautiful. Gene was so at peace. Our two daughters and his oldest brother were with us at the hospital while our two sons and his youngest brother were enroute. Gene kept saying he didn't know if he'd be there when his sons arrived and was adament that he would not be there when his younger brother arrived. At 7:30 that night when the nurses changed shifts the outgoing nurse said "I'll see you in the morning". Gene responded that he would not be there. I walked out along with the nurse and 5 minutes later he was gone. He asked where I was and took 4 deep breathes and was gone. Being without this wonderful human being who made my world so bright, so wonderful, so perfect every moment, so full of love.......well, it's just so empty now. But I know he was at peace and seeing his mother was a gift he was given. Always Gene! Always!

June 11 marked 3 years that Gene left this life. No one called. I spent the first 3 hrs in the dark. Then I decided to do what Gene would have done. I got up and did volunteer work that I had begged off the day before. One person could tell something was not right and I fell apart for a little while. I honored Gene in my own way to make the day pass. It is so lonely without his smile, his voice, his arms around me. So I continue to walk the path as we all must do but I carry Gene in my heart. Always Gene! Always!

DoubleJo......you have a family here that supports you and always be here...got your back. I had a scare about 5 years ago......yes the waiting is the hard part. Landed up being a cyst. Guess it's a learning process about Government loop-holes.....how can a marriage not count on some things. We all will be looking for a good check up from you. Always Gene! Always!

KayC, it breaks my heart to know that you have been treated so poorly. You are such a good person and deserve so much better. I don't know, you would think that God has thrown enough at us all to bear and then comes another train wreck. Take care of yourself. You know well what stress can do to the body. When you have taken the time to think you'll will find the direction you need to take in this matter. You have worried about John's health, job situation...........now you have to put yourself first if the fool won't do it. Sorry, I'm so angry that he's hurt you. Love and prayers going your way my friend. Always Gene! Always!