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We Need Not Feel Deficient!

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I've just been reading "Letting Go of the Person You Used To Be" by Lama Surya Das, and thought I might pass along these words that I personally found so helpful to this long, drawn-out grieving so many of us are experiencing ( italics are mine ):

"He's only been gone for 6 years, and perhaps I haven't gone through enough of the grieving process to really accept and know that he's gone."

I found this to be SO helpful, because consider this....this author has been a well-trained, "sought-after spiritual teacher and meditation master, poet...", author of many acclaimed books and a Buddhist for YEARS, who was taught by some of the most renowned modern-day spirtual leaders, even before his father died....yet, as of the writing of this book ('03), even he admits to still struggling with his grief, being "only" 6 years since he lost his father, and still in the process of grieving. While I know most of us don't want to imagine having pain for that long, this certainly lends credence to the basic FACT that grief isn't over and done with in mere months, or even necessarily years. In short, NONE of us should feel bad, or obligated in any way to 'get over' or even 'get completely through' such a process in record time. If WE'RE still struggling, it would be wise to know and remember that even the most astute and dedicated of students on Life's Path can have a very difficult time of it, too.

So for any of you who have suffered those ridiculous and unrealistic comments from others about 'getting over' and 'getting on with' things.....perhaps you can quote from this author and feel much more okay with the long time it takes to process this process!

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Guest Guest_Anne_*

Maylissa, This is such a great contribution. I had lunch with Surya Das in 2003 (he is friends with someone I know) and I can tell you that he is one of the most peaceful and calming presences I've ever had the good fortune to meet. I read his books a while back, but will revisit this one. I lost my father to an unexpected heart attack just 11 days ago. Right now, I am so lost in the intensity of this that I can't imagine it will ever change, let alone end. The day someone implies that I should be "over" this, I think I'll truly lose it.

Thanks again for offering this - because it's about the first bit of hope I've felt since all of this happened.

Peace - Anne

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I'm so gratified that you found this as useful as I did. And wow!, that's pretty neat that you MET Surya Das ( I forget his real, given name now )! B) What I wouldn't give to have someone like that by my side to walk me through each part of grief! However, I'm not finding this particular book as useful overall for grief, as the Buddhist concepts just seem so far beyond my abilities in many ways.

I'm so sorry you've had such a recent loss, in your dad's passing, but the very fact that you're here, so soon after, is a good sign. You're already trying your best to help yourself, so give yourself a pat on the back for having such determination to get through, not 'over', this process. If nothing else, at least that part of your vocational training ( I read in another post of yours that you're a clinical psychologist ) is probably going to be a help.



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hi maylissa,

that is great i will certainly be using that one on my husband,who is so unsensitive and unsympathetic he really thinks i should be over it after 10 months,he even asked me why i miss my mum and asked if him and the kids arent enough for me.

so you are wonderful for posting that.

from amanda

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