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Having a Very Tough Time

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Hi I'm brand new here, my mom passed away April 13 from a sudden illness.  She had already been in ill health and was in long term care but had been coping and getting along.  We never thought she would go right now, we thought she had years.  But she got ill Tuesday night and died Thursday evening.  I am devastated to say the least.  My mom and I were super close.  I have tremendous guilt though since she died because I know I was not always good to her, I tried but I would get frustrated and annoyed and impatient with her.  I feel terrible, but sometimes I secretly would wish she were gone!  I NEVER meant that though, I never wanted her to die!  I just wanted her to be well again. She was very clingy to me emotionally and it put a tremendous strain on me, I am married and have 3 kids and lots of obligations.  I wish now I could have spent tons of time with mom but I could only get up to see her a few times a week, some weeks only once.  I would try to call her every day but somedays I didn't.  I regret that so much now.  I keep expecting the phone to ring or I'll think, oh I need to call mom.  But of course none of that can happen anymore.  

We had her memorial yesterday.  I feel like everyone expects me to be okay now for some reason.  I am NOT okay, I feel worse than ever if possible.  I am so sad and depressed, I can't get excited about things like I used to do.  I have no interest in hobbies or watching tv or doing anything.  On the rare occasions I do feel a moment of happiness over something I immediately feel guilty, like how could I can be happy now that mom is gone???  The world is going on without her and that is really bugging me.  My world has frozen in place.  

I have no energy and I can't make it through the day without taking a nap, if I could stay in bed constantly I would but I have to care for my family.  I did manage to cook dinner twice this week, which felt like a momentous task.  Thinking of doing every day things makes me tired.  Like every morning I've had to get my kids to school and I have such anxiety over this now, I just want to be home and not "out there".  I have a dental appt scheduled for this week, and to me that may as well be a climb on Mt. Everest.  I just can do it.  I plan to reschedule.

I am also having a lot of bitter thoughts and resentment toward people who have not sent a card or who didn't come to mom's service. I know that's unreasonable but I am angry.  I have one friend in particular who chose to do something else rather than come and my feelings are really hurt.  She was a very close friend so I don't understand why she didn't come.  She hasn't even called me or anything.  I feel like my emotions are red raw.  I wonder if I will ever feel "normal" again??  

Anyway, sorry to go on and on, I'm just looking for others who have or are going through this same thing.  I feel sometimes like I am the only person on the planet feeling this way.  I am just so sad. :(

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Hi BethAnn.

You are not the only person going through this. My mom passed away suddenly about 10 months ago. She was the most important person in the world to me. She still is. I can't imagine taking care of kids during this ordeal. I myself shut down almost completely and slept all the time. I even managed to get a leave of absence from work for a while. It could be a blessing that you have your kids to force you to keep going day to day. Definitely cancel your dental appointment for now if it's not an emergency.

I know exactly what you mean about the world going on while you feel frozen in place, about people seeming to expect you to be okay, and about feeling guilt for moments of happiness. I usually listen to music and "bop around" while in my car but I drove in silence for over 6 months-- feeling incredibly guilty about the possibility of enjoying an upbeat song. 

People who have gone through what you're going through (and believe me there are a lot of them) will likely tell you that you never get over losing your mom and that you just learn to live with it. Hearing that scared me a lot because I wanted someone to say that in time I would feel better. I'm telling you that you will feel better eventually. For me, I would say that I was a complete wreck for about 6 months, then deeply depressed but fully functional between 6 and 8 months, and now.... at 10 months feeling pretty decent and trying to live my life to the fullest in honor of my mom. Yeah, I still have some bad moments... but I'm finally to the point where thinking about her (which is all the time) makes me smile a little more than it makes me cry.

Hang in there!

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Hi, BethAnnF,

All that you write and share is normal in grief.  I was in shock when my Mom died and now over nine years later I still remember vividly her dying.  Your Mom's passing is so new and fresh.  I am sorry for your profound loss. 

Your thoughts and feelings are normal and understandable. This is a safe place to come and share.  MartyT, and many others will come and offer suggestions, and hope. You are not alone in your grief.  We are all on this journey.  - Shalom

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I am so sorry you lost your mom, you must be in shock, wow, that was really fast!  It's hard when we haven't had time to prepare mentally/emotionally for their passing.  People can be disappointing, to say the least, when their responses aren't in line with our need and expectation.  Many do not have a clue what it's like to lose someone close to us or maybe their loss was not as devastating to them so they don't get our having a harder time with it.  I've learned to forgive those that really just don't get it.  Those who willfully chose to ignore my plight out of their own callousness I let go.  Life is all about change and sometimes friends are for a time and then it changes.

As George said, your feelings are a normal part of grief.  

You have nothing to feel guilty about, you have been a good daughter, it sounds like you gave your mom more than reasonable time and attention.  I would be delighted to get that much time with my kids!  You do have a husband and children of your own and sometimes we have to balance our time among all.  We don't get a heads up when someone dies but by my way of looking at it, you don't have anything to regret...it's just that in grief it's common to feel guilt and regret, even when it's not warranted.  Our feelings are just that, something to contend with, but they aren't always reality based so that's good to keep in mind...go easy on yourself and give yourself the same patience, understanding, and love that you would to a friend.  


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Dear Beth Ann, I too am sorry for your loss, but pleased that you've found your way to this warm and caring place. I assure you that here you will find that most certainly you are not "the only person on the planet feeling this way."

In addition to the article that Kay has mentioned above, I invite you to read the following:

How Can The World Go On When My Loved One Has Died?

In Grief: Feeling No Support In The Wake of Loss

In Grief: Feeling Let Down By Closest Friends

In Grief: How Much Can One Person Take?

Grief Support: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectations

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Hi there, i am sorry you are experiencing this and your feelings are normal...I haven't lost a mom and we don't have the best relationship but i try with her;however, i did lose a husband with some regrets.  Wondering if i was always the best wife for him.  What has helped me is talking to people...does your husband know what you are going through and your feelings?  Plus I've also joined a support group like griefshare.org...plus helpful articles as posted by other responders...nyway, praying for you..

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Marty, in your first link is a poem...I thought about my daughter and how she must be feeling, very touching.

22 hours ago, MartyT said:

How Can The World Go On When My Loved One Has Died?


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Yes, Kay ~ It literally took my breath away when I first heard that poem recited in a scene in the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral. I left the movie theater determined to find it written somewhere, and later learned the poem was by W.H. Auden. Now, of course, the scene is available on YouTube:


Funeral Blues
by W.H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good. 

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