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Stillborn at 35 weeks pregnant

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I don't really know where to begin. It's still so fresh and i am still hurting so very much. Not a day goes by where i don't think of my baby girl and what happened.

14.4.2017 at 35 +1 weeks pregnant. I had some stomach cramps. An odd feeling. This is my second pregnancy and it didn't feel like contractions. I told my husband we needed to go to the hospital just to get checked out. They hooked me up to the machine to monitor baby heart beat and my heart beat and contractions. They got her heart beat but there were no contractions. I was still getting these cramps and they were getting worse. 

Her heart beat got faint. In the matter of seconds the room was filled with doctors and Midwives, stripping me for surgery. Then all of a sudden those words no parent ever wants to hear  - I'm so sorry, you've lost you baby. After we spoke with the doctor. We went home. Ready to go in the next day to give birth. 

By the time we got home told family, all  of a sudden i was loosing lots of blood. 

Long story short. I was rushed back to the hospital while continuing to loose drastic amounts of blood. I was prepped for emergency cesarean. During surgery i had 10 Plasma transfusions and total of 4 blood transfusion on my stay at yhe hospital. I had something called Couvelaire Uterus. 

I am still recovering physically from the surgery. However i feel that i my mental recovery will be some time. 

I blame myself everyday. I should have protected my baby girl and i failed. I feel lost. I just needed to talk to someone now. 

Aleisha Jean Hill born sleeping on the 14th April 2017 ♡ 

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I am so sorry.  My daughter tried for years to have a baby, finally got pregnant and announced it at Christmas, we were all so happy!  Then she lost it.  She'll probably never have one now because her husband left.

It can feel devastating to lose your baby, I've been through it when I was young.  

I'm not sure how you think you should have protected her, it's not your fault, this happens even with the best of care.  If you were smoking, drinking, riding horses, I can see room for regret, but I've been there, you take the best care of yourself you can and still end up with this as the outcome.  I'm just so sorry.  You're right, the mental part takes much longer for recovery than the physical.

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Emily, my dear, I am so sorry to learn of the death of your precious baby girl Aleisha Jean ~ such a beautiful name ~ and my heart reaches out to you in your pain. I hope you have someone in your circle who will sit with you in your grief as you mourn the loss of your baby. I know for certain that you will find that sort of compassion here, as you are among kindred spirits, all bound by the common experience of loss. I also want to point you to some of the many resources available to support you through this devastating loss. See, for example, Silent Grief: Pregnancy and Infant Loss including the related articles and resources listed there. 

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Hi Emily, I’m so sorry. While I was reading your post, I remember my experience. At 20 weeks of my pregnancy, I had spotting and the doctor advised me to rest. Then again, at 32 weeks, I had cramps, I called my doctor and she told me to immediately go to the hospital. I was there the whole day to monitor my baby’s heartbeat. I was crying to God not to take away my baby because I already love him so much. I had infertility treatments for 2 years before I got pregnant and that’s my first baby. Thank God, I delivered my baby full term and he’s turning 16 years old tomorrow.

I would like to encourage you to take your time to grieve. I was reading this article, http://bit.ly/2q6JL8I,  and it says that it’s common to experience sadness, anger and guilt. It’s important for you and your husband to communicate your feelings to one another. We may not understand the reason why this thing happened but only God knows. He knows exactly what you are going through and understands exactly how you feel. Praying for you that you will be strengthened as you pass through this, I pray for your healing physically and emotionally, and He will give the desires of your heart as you trust Him. Tell all your concerns to Him because He cares for you. Thank you for sharing.

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  • 2 months later...

Hi Emily, I know saying sorry for your loss is of no consolation when it comes to losing a child.I lost my first baby 21 years ago and I still remember my due date every year.Im sure Aleisha Jean was a beautiful little girl.I absolutely love her name, my daughters name is Cara Jean.You did not fail her.If you were not a good mother, you wouldn't be feeling so devastated.Your baby is a part of you, and always will be.Take care of yourself!.

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