Everything Is Changing

[Guest Guest_jen_*]

I lost my mother died recently, I had just turned 20 when it happened. She had been sick since I was a little girl but had been healthy and then everthing quickly changed. She was my only parent, but I have sisters much older than me. I had isolated myself completely to be with my mom because I became so consumed with the thought of losing her, but my sisters detached themselves from our family.

Now my sisters have moved on, have partners and lives of their own and I feel completely alone and lost. I always had these pillars in my lives, and now it feels like everything is uprooted and now in my early twenties, I feel like a child crying for a sense of belonging. Its as if the day i turned twenty that I had to be grown up and know how to fend for myself. But I've been too busy worrying how to keep my mother on this earth than worrying about what i would do if she ever left me.

I'm staying with my sister, and don't have any other place to go and its apparant that it is a burden on her husband. I feel so trapped in my life, and I miss my mother's love so much. I miss having a place to call home. I can't seem to figure out how to build a life on my own now.

Does it get any easier? How do we teach ourselves to grow up?? Any wisdom?

[shell]

Jen,

I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your mom. I'm 52 and still trying to figure out how to grow up. I lost my dad a little over a year ago and am now taking care of my mom, who I am very close to and feel like I will completely lose it when I lose her. I know what you mean about all your thinking being on taking care of your mom and not thinking about yourself and what you will do. However, I don't think it matters whether you do or not, cause when it happens, you are never prepared. All I can tell you is that you have to do what is best for YOU now. Don't worry about bothering other people. Just grieve and try to figure out where you can go from here. As time goes by, your thinking will get clearer, but it does take awhile, I'm afraid.

Keep posting here, it helps a lot.

My deepest sympathies and best wishes for you (plus a huge hug!)

Shell

[Paul S]

Hi jen (and shell!)

Jen: I am so sorry over your loss. I lost my Mother last November, and I know what its like to be an 'adult orphan'. Its a strange and not-too-wonderful feeling to have when your last parent dies and you now feel that you are completely responsible for your actions, that there is no longer any parent to lean on. I am 43, and I can only imagine what its like at 20, but the age is irrelevant. No matter how old you are, or whether you're a male or female, it still feels like an orphaning. The world is suddenly a lot scarier when you no longer have any parent around. No one worries about you like your Mom, and to not have that any more is frightening.

When my Mom died, she was 89, and her health had been failing for over a year. So I should have been prepared, but who prepares well for that? No one knows the future and the exact time of death, so how can you deal well with the sudden happening of a love one's passing? I had to leave the childhood home I shared with myu Mom (I was her caregiver of sorts) and look for a place to live and to find a job, (she was my job) all at the same time. I was criticized by my family for my feelings. They had use perfect 20/20 hindsight in their criticisms. I should have planned! How grotesque and disgusting is that? Of course, I am the only one in grief couseling or seeking online help, no one else is, so maybe they're just harder or more distanced. That is something you can relate to with what you said about your sisters' moving on and how you were focused on your mother.

shell said it best when she stated: "All I can tell you is that you have to do what is best for YOU now. Don't worry about bothering other people. Just grieve and try to figure out where you can go from here. As time goes by, your thinking will get clearer, but it does take awhile, I'm afraid." True, true, true.

Keep on posting. Search all over this board for topics and read them, no matter how old. Find a grief counselor at a hospice or some other place, they should be free. I have a great experience with mine, so I heartily endorse it. Go to bookstore and develop a library of reading material. But also, keep n posting here, you'll find lots of understanding and kind people who've gone thru this. Some are where you're at, others a bit further down the line.

But all of us know.

[shubom]

Jen,

Sorry for the lost of your mom. I can totally relate. I lost my dad when I was 23 yrs, of a heart attack, and 6 years later in January of this year, I lost my mom in her sleep. I'm so sad and confused?! This world is no fun anymore. I'm single, with no kids. I have a sister, who I'm close to, but she has a life with her boyfriend. After my dad died, I had to grow up quick. I feared losing my mom. She was sad all the time and I wanted to help her. It made me realize that family was important, and I made it my life's goal to take care of her as best I could. She became my best friend and we did everything together. People use to tell me all the time that someday I'll get married and leave my mom. It would piss me off ! I would never have left her! She was the most important person in my life.

And now that she's gone, I don't know what to do.

I feel so sad that you feel like a burden to your sister's husband. You and your sisters have to stick together. And I hope her husband understands that.

Yes, the world is scary without my parents. After my dad died, it took about 3 years before I could talk about him without crying. But the loss of my mom .....after all the effort and love I gave to her.......after the hopes and dreams of seeing her with grandchildren.......my best friend......my last parent......ya, words can't express the pain I feel.....losing my mommy.

[Still a Daughter]

Dear Jen,

So sorry that you have lost your mother. I lost both my parents, my mom in 2004 and dad in 2005. I can certainly relate with your feelings. I too feel quite alone, even though I am surrounded by family and friends. The previous postings were very good and offer great advice. You will get beyond the worst of the pain to a point where you will be able to celebrate your mom's life and the great legacy she left, you. You sound like a sensitive and caring person and what a great gift your mother gave the world by raising you with your wonderful values. Yes, be kind to yourself and keep thoughts of your mom close. There is no easy way to grieve, you have to let it happen. Each tear is a tribute to your love for your mother.

Take care and post again. You are also still a daughter.

Edited April 9, 2006 by Still a Daughter

[Guest Guest_Diane_*]

Dear Jen,

I am so sorry for you loss. I know how difficult it must be for you right now. Of course you feel out of sorts, it is only normal becauase your life has changed ever so much. I lost my mother 9/3/05(cancer) and I too felt isolated. I lived and cared for my mother 24/7 and my sister and her partner could not handle it so they detached themself as much as possible. I had little support or help during my mother's illness and this was and is a great source of anger to me. Now, my sister is the only family ( my dad died 2/1/04..unexpected death cardiac arrest). My sister now is very supportive and at times this confuses me ( and I am 50 ).

The grief process takes time ( there is no time limit ) but you will find little by little you will feel better and stronger. You are very young and you have your whole life ahead of you so I am sure you feel uncertain but in time you will find your feet. I know I cry less now and yet I still feel as if I have a hole inside of me. My mother left me a set of instructions (mind you i am 50 and an R.N LOL) and she told me give yourself a good year to relax (the first year is the hardest).

I am sorry for your loss and for everyone's loss on the board.

Diane

[Guest Guest_Jen_*]

Thanks everyone for your advice. It was nice to look back and read your kind words. It was my birthday today, and it was really hard to get through. Not much joy left in that anymore. I always referred to my birthday as the anniversary of the day my mother and I met, she always laughed. I was so glad to see the clock tick past midnight to signal the end of the day now.

Thank you for your reply, shubom. Though I sympathize with the others that post here, I feel that you may best understand what I am going through, since my mother was my only parent. You seem like a strong person, and I think we will all be okay. A recent man in my life has shown a great deal of understanding and compassion, and I am thankful to him for that because I am starting to think about my future again.

I am starting to believe that love, patience and compassion can help close some of the wounds left by the death of our parents. Maybe we can get through this by helping each other.