Mums started to Date again.. Need Advice please.

[Calopumi]

We knew the time would come, and its hard to deal with all this. After dad passed away, my mum went into meltdown and i supported her, took over everything and made sure everythig went smoothly. My mum said some unforgivable things to me during this, but i bit my  tongue and carried on. Dad passed away  in 2016.

We then  found within a couple of weeks this bloke was messaging her on facebook and we warned her do not give details,  no emails or phone or anything  where you live etc alarm bells were ringing and they  were texting a lot and she told me some of the texts.. i warned  her about scam artists and at first she didnt belive it etc and that we were trying to stop her happiness.. I found out more details and he  had several accounts with the same numbers on facebook,all women only no pics etc.. we reported him and his account was suspended.

So last year, a year after dad died she said she was going to look at dating sites. I had been so busy  sorting dads affairs out and sorting her out, i had not really started to grieve.. and asked her to respect our wishes that we wanted no part of it  and didnt want  to know about anyone etc.. and she could look with her friends etc but not me. Now i live over 250 miles round trip but she kept pressing and pressing until i flipped .. and we had a fall out.. i tried to explain to her in  an easy way about grief.. and how it was different for her than us kids and that imagine a long line and we are just not at the end to accept this, which is our problem not hers and in  time when we get to the end of the line, life goes on go for it, but for us it was to early. But that  was  her  choice.

6 months after.. she said she had  been on a private members dating site where everyone had to be checked out  and its not on the internet and she had been out with a few gentleman.. We were gobsmacked but by now we were further along the line and said thats nice.. hope your having fun, you might find a companion.. as she is the sort of woman that needs to be with a man.  Fast forward all this dating  malarky.. to 2 years.

She has seen a gentleman, for nearly a year but only about 20 times.. but all of a sudden its gone to him this, him that,  him other.. and its starting  to grate on us. Now I totally understand she wants to be happy, and i said i am quite happy to meet him,  but can she stop going  on about him all the time.. i am genuinly happy for her.. My other sibling is really struggling and is  not at the same part and feels likes they are been pushed into it.. So i told mum.. back off, tread on eggshells they are at a diffferent point to where i am but they will get  there and let things happen  naturally and she agreed.. but then the next phone call it was the same again and my sibling flipped.i tried to smooth the road and tried to explain to mum saying remember last year i said i didnt  want to know, well they are there at that point and you have to let them grieve and let them meet on neutral  ground, turning up at his place will blow up in everyones faces and she agreed and so did my sibling..

So mums situation is she has a nice house and is comfy but its to big for her and she was planning  to  move  back near family. Which  made us happy as no one is down there and after losing dad then losing other family members last year.. we can support her if she ever becomes ill.. This part she does not seem to get or understand how worried we are.. If she becomes ill where she is, we can come down for a couple of days but thats it, we have lives and jobs to come back to. 

Last year she  became really ill and i dropped everything ad went down, now each trip costs us around £120 but that doesnt matter and she makes no effort to come up to ours..  i not saying everymonth but maybe twice a year but all she goes on is money and she is financially secure.. Infact its causing massive problems cos all i hear this costs this, this costs that etc.. life revolves around money and she has savings and she is secure..

So tonight we have had a massive argument which ended up with her swearing at me and i said enough, every day or so is can you do this or can you do that..and if  i cant she doesnt believe me and has a go.  She has now decided to stay put.. which at the end of the day has to be her choice but she has also got to understand we cant just drop everythinng and go down.. and we are worried as she does have health problems and the house is so cold.. i never go in winter. So my next was well stay there, down size, you will have extra money in the bank  and you can have a warm safe home as you are ageing... To this is got the sarcastic remark well if i am  bad ill go in a home and you get no inheritance.. i was fuming.. i dont care about money, go and  blow it and my sibling feels like this as well.. but mum is a perfectionist at turning things around and guilt tripping the kids.. She has so much stuff, tons of it.. and had a go as we cleared a familys house out last year who was  round the corner and i said yes most of it went to charity shop or the skip mum and they were five mins away.. to which her remark was well you will have to work for your inheritance. again i bit my tooth..

She  is always moving next year and next year never comes and i fear that she will die there old and lonely and cold..She was seriously ill last year. 

So going back to the bloke she met.. she has said it will be a year or so as they got to get to know each  other etc.. and she is thinking off staying where she is and downsizing and then next min staying put. But i said well if its meant to be its meant to be.. One min hes the bees knees, next shes not sure.. and i think she is using us kids as an excuse and causing problems herself. So tonight he had been there and hes saying your house on the market and ill do same and we get a place together  but want to leave out a lump sum and get a new car.. So i said to mum tonight thats great..  until she told me that he said i wouldnt be  happy about the inheritance as it would be less than half as it stands now.. i went nuts saying how dare he speak about me, he does not know me from adam.... and found  it quite offensive.. I told mum that  her house is worth a lot and protect her investment.. She asked if i died before he did would the kids be happy for him to live in and upon him selling or dying etc he could stay there and vice versa and everyone said  yes.. Mum is adamant that she wants inheritance going to us kids.. and if it did work out it has to remain so and the same for him.. so i said thats fine  just get a codicil written up at solicitors so you both know where you stand.. and my mum is a bit naive and said if you want me to go with you i will but he has objected which is a bit worrying  as  i not bothered about much  he has, but dont want to see mum in realtionship which might be  wrong and  end up out of pocket..  Apparently this evening hes told her to get her house on sale etc...... and for the first time i said whoooooa slow down.. have him stay over, go out on more dates, go on  holidays, get to know each other and if its meant to be its meant to be.. but she said no it will be next year..

So hes literally pushed her tonight she phones and was talking intimate things and again i said mum we are your kids you shouldnt be talking like this to us.. you have lots of friends talk to them.. but deep down alarm bells are ringing.. but if we dare say  anything she completely flips at us.. and said just wait till your husband dies.. and i found that to be disgusting..and it got heated and she ended up swearing at me and i told her when she calmed down to ring me but i refuse to be sworn at  and  told her how ungreatful she was.. and hung up.. then the texts started.. Will you do this and that and other  for me.. i just said ask him to do it for you.. because thats all you talk about. Mum is very good at guilt tripping.. oh you be both here on my deathbed.. wishing you were down more.. etc we go down on average every  other month we just cannot afford to go down more.. she could come up but always an excuse. But i think she thinks he is pushing to hard now..

My worries for mum is if she does get with him..that hes not after her money and suggest they both go see solicitor to protect their interests. That before living together and making a committment, they slow down a little and spend nights together, go on holiday together etc.. see if they are compatible, as mum likes sun holidays and he likes uk, but i said thats simple go one of each, thats not a problem. But he also talking  about not putting all is savings into a property and wants a posh car.. and im like ok but your house is peanuts, mums  is worth  4 times more or do you expect her to put in 3/4 to your 1/4 of a new property and he might have more money himself but i dont want him thinking mum is a cashcow and is going to spend all hers. But every time i try and speak to her to say to be careful.. its he said this he said that ... ill get him to ring you.. no you wont.. I not discussing anything with a stranger we not met him yet.

I want mum to be happy and he might be the right person.. Its a new chapter for her of her life..We do not know anything about him, and after what she said tonight, i am just fuming with her.. and shes acting like a kid.. I do not think she is 100 percent sure about him at the moment and wants time but he is pushing her.. but if we make suggestions she goes off on us.. so do i back away and say dont want to know its up to you two.. sort it out.. i have said if its right you will know and its nothing to do with me or my sibling, we are not a close family but dont want to see her hurt but feel she is also using us as scapegoats as her get out clause.. her last message to me was i told him i just want to be friends.. and i have no doubt that i will be the scape goat.. because thats how she works.. i told her she was stupid as this could be the right relationship .. but when she lives so far away..we just cannot be at her beck and call.. Mum is an attractive lady but she can be really nasty with  me and  even my sibling gets treated different, not lifted a finger to help her, yet she always giving them money, her choice.. but its 2 years since he passed away and i seem to be at her beck and call to be used and abused as her bashing board and i am getting so close to the point where i am ready to walk away.. Just wish dad was here.. miss him so much.... and 2 years on still not grieved or cried as we had another member pass away last years.. we have had two full on years of close family death where we had to sort everything out and eventually something has to give

[Calopumi]

I know this post is all over the place but this is how mum is with me, we just do not know whether she is coming or going with us.. and its starting to drive me nuts.

[kayc]

Hi Calopumi,

I read through your post...wondering how old your mother is.  Do you trust her to make her own sound decisions?  All you can do is establish your own boundaries and rules.  You can let your mom know how often/when you can come see her, she will realize you mean it if you stick to it.  However, as she ages, her being 2 1/2 hours away might not work so well if she's wanting to rely on you all the time.  She will have to find a handyman she can hire and figure some things out for herself if she's to live on her own.  I live about the same distance from my son, I'm in the country so not so easy to find people to hire for some things.  But I've been making my way for nearly 13 years now.  I'm 65.  I don't see me doing this when I'm 80 as I have to shovel snow and haul firewood, but we'll see, if I reach the point where I can no longer do the work or my faculties start to go, I'll have no choice but to move closer to him.

As for the bloke, encourage her to protect her interests, see an attorney.  I remarried after my husband died, and it was horrid!  He was a con that preyed on me, used my credit for $57,000 and then quit his job and went into hiding with his girlfriend (which I didn't know he had).  He never lived with me.  He pretended we would marry and have a normal marriage and that he would move here, but that's not what he did.  I had to file a missing person's report to find out what happened to him.  I got stuck paying for his car, our new motorhome that I never got to spend one night in, business loans (he was going into business), etc.  I had to remortgage my home to cover it all as I didn't have the money and didn't want my wages garnished.  It was an extremely costly mistake, marrying him and he never was a husband to me, only on paper.  It's been over nine years since the divorce was final, but I'll be paying on this mistake until I'm 80, sooner if I can pay ahead of time.  

Why did I marry him?  I was still in grief fog, not thinking clearly, was afraid to be alone, wanted to rebuild my life, didn't want to be overly dependent on my children's friendship like my mom did to us.  All wrong reasons for marrying.  He let me hear what he thought I wanted to hear and was good at it.  That and all my friends disappeared when my husband died and I was alone, I remember feeling frantic.  He cashed in on that.

Please don't let your mom make the mistakes I did.  Print this out and show it to her if you want to.  It's embarrassing to me to even tell this part of my story, but if it helps one person not make the same mistake, it's worth it.  

The guy might be a perfectly sound guy, but your advice was right on, she should get to know him well before doing anything, no hurry.  A guy trying to rush her into marriage is a huge red flag, pay attention to it!

[Calopumi]

Thanks Kaye for your honest response.. my mum has been truly nasty with me since i posted this, and told me where to go and swore at me, she is 70, i truly want her to be happy, i am not bothered about inheritance, yesterday was my dads 2nd anniversary of his death and we had no contact. She then apologised by text  and then  followed it up by nasty texts..

i would be happy if she downsized and any cash she spent it on having a good time.. her happiness is important to me, however shes not coping without dad, and to be honest she has lived a charmed life, and dad did everythig and she hasnt a clue about anything.. she hit  depression and i simply cannot be at her beck and call, taking time away from our family and costs £120 to travel down each time.. but she doesnt care about that as long as she gets everything.. its our birthdays in a couple off weeks and her 70th and we planned to go down but now its up in the air.. 

i am disabled and am on steroids for mobility etc and have blown up in weight and shes always going on about weight and she is very superficial in some of the thigs she says are very very hurtful. 

From what i can gather this bloke has a flat that is worth around 75k, while mums property is over 300k.. he suggested getting a place together for around 200k but he doest want to put all his money into it.. so mum would be putting the most into in.. alarm bells ringing.. so i advised her to get  a solicitor to make sure her money is protected and if she passed away before him, we would be happy for  him to stay there and vice versa and the property to be sold and go to respective  families.. but from what he is saying is we will only get 75k which is not the case unless he is expecting mum to  be his cashcow as he has already said he wants a mercedes which start at around 30k.. mm  its not ringing true.. i have told my mum to tread very carefully as he is pushing her  to sell her house.. another option i suggest is mum buys a property and they can move in and he keeps  his flat and rents out so if anything happened to mum he would  have somewhere to go, but i said to mum i would  come down and sort it out with a solictor etc to protect her side and apparently  hes objected to this which makes me more worried.. why would you do this.

i have said things are going to fast and you need to have him over to stay a few nights and go on holiday etc and see if you  get on before you take the big step to move in together.. but all i get is sarcastic remarks about inheritance..

sadly i am at the point of just walking away.. and leave them to it.. i have been at mums beck and call and done everything for her since dad died and she sent me a text saying i need you all the bills are coming up for renewal and feel that shes not trying and is just using me as a mug to sort all her stuff out.. she refuses to come up on the train ad everythig has a price on it.. no matter what you say to her its money money money and it drives us crackers.. my brother has already fallen out wtih her and now me.. i told her when she starts to be nice then contact me.. but until then a big rift is starting..

What is  really sad, is i want her to be happy but shes one of these women who needs a man and am worried in case she is jumping out of the frying pan into a fire.. but i am quite offended about what this bloke is saying about us kids since he has not even met us and he doesnt know us.. but my  mum can be a spiteful bitch at times which is an awful thing to say about your own mother but its true.. her last text to me was i have text him and told him to remain friends only.. and i think she is unsure and is using me as a scapegoat which i think  is a very selfish thing to do..

She does not worry about our concerns.. eg she has health problems,  and whe dad died we went down a lot, but it bumped up our credit card to keep travelling down there and its something we cannot  sustain and last year we lost our motherinlaw who lives  locally.. and she wanted to come home to die and we were with her all the way which mum throws in our face, and we worry if something like that happens to her she will not be able to have the same care, we literally spent all our time at motherinlaws on shifts to make sure someone was with her and she passed away with the family around her and we are worried  sick in case anything like this happens to mum but when we approach the  subject we get nasty sarcasticc remarks well i will have to go in a home and have carers in and then you will get no inheritance then will you!!

Guilt tripping and manipulative is mums favourite thing with me but sadly it doesnt work with me and  i tell her to stop being a  drama queen. we suggested she moved back up north where her best friend is and  more family as she wouldnt move where we are as she doesnt know  the area.. and she said she would this year affter been ill in that big cold house last year  and now that has fallen through.. i agree she has to be happy  where she is but she has to realise that we cannot be there for her if something does happen and that is our big worry.. we said dont you want to be like gran and have the relationship with your great grandkids and grand kids like grand did and she blew at us.. But in truth mum has always been more about i got this,i got that.. i want i want... and is more about their friends than family and soon as we try to approach the subject she hits the roof  and throws inheritance in our face again.. i am not like her one bit.. i am happy with our life and happy with our lot.. inheritance doesnt even come into the subject and shes basically doing our heads in.

As it stands at the moment she is not talking to my brother and me.. and whats really sad many years ago i said to my brother she will end up being a sad old lonely woman and that is coming to fruition and its really sad as she could be having a whale of a time now.. so the only thing we can do is at the moment is back away from her and give her time to think about things and not get involved.

[kayc]

I would also caution about getting into a relationship too soon.  In our early grief we're in grief fog, it can take a few years to process our grief.  Often times (I did this) we try to circumvent dealing with our grief by a new relationship.  It doesn't work.  I highly recommend dealing with your grief FIRST, you can't even know your own mind until you do!  Plus it can camouflage red flags because you're not in your right state of mind and thinking clearly.  It's a heavy price to pay otherwise, trust me.  I'm paying for this mistake for the rest of my life!  It's one you can't afford to repeat, that's for sure!

She may have the most stand up guy, but if he is, he'll be okay with her slowing it down and doing things right.  Also, both of them should have their financial affairs protected since they're older and most of us want to leave something to our kids, not someone else's.  Without that, if she dies first, then him, it all goes to HIS kids.  I've seen it happen, too many times.

Of course you want your mom to be happy.  I don't know why she'd be upset about your posting, it's not like anyone has your or her names! It's always good to seek advice.

She is using inheritance to manipulate you and I wouldn't be fazed by that.  Like you said, that's not what this is about, it's about HER not getting taken advantage of and even if that's not a consideration, her knowing her own mind before doing something so permanent.  This is the time for her to enjoy life, not be done in by it.

I'm sorry your concern for her has resulted in her shutting you out.  Her choice.  I hope she reconsiders.

[ipswitch]

If Mom makes you the scapegoat to a man you've never met, I guess you can handle that.

I would be tempted to say, "Mom, I don't know all the problems that can arise from a second marriage, but a lawyer will." and repeat as necessary. On one hand, at 70 some people  would figure they don't have all the time in the world to date.  On the other, I'd agree that seeing someone every two weeks isn't enough to judge what living with him would be like. You might mention that men tend to pass younger than women, so if Mom wants to be assured of your assistance when they are both old and frail, it would be to her benefit for her to search for a new home near you.  I'm guessing her consort won't care for that, and might move on. 

I'm cynical, but if Mom has only seen this dude 20 times in a year, I wonder if he's seeing a few other women too, to determine what will work best for him.  You can't tell her that, though. Do you have his name? Can you get any independent information on him?