Brake Up Message After Friends Suicide

[RockyTopp]

I met my now ex-boyfriend at the obstacle course training gym he worked at and I knew right away that he liked me. He bent the rules a little and emailed me his number, so we started talking more and I invited him up to take him horseback riding and paintballing while I had time during spring break. Within a few visits (he lives an hour away) he had met my entire family and friend group. We are both very driven people so we were wise with how often we could meet and never wanted to leave each other once we were together. This was my first relationship and he made me feel very secure and loved, he would give me small sweet kisses whenever the situation allowed and I could feel all my worries wash away when he did that. About two months into our relationship my friends of 8 years left because I expressed I felt they had disrespected my mom who’s roof they were living under for quite a while. He supported me through this and gave me an amazing birthday I will never forget. He started a new job just after and I was busy with finals in school so we talked less than we used to, but made plans to see each other. I began to worry when I didn’t hear anything from him because it was unusual for him. He didn’t want me to meet his parents so I had no way of finding out. Eventually he texted me apologizing and explaining that his best friend committed suicide the day prior and he went on a bender with his friends (he doesn’t normally drink). I told him he could talk to me, but that I understood if he didn’t feel like it and gave him space. He then messaged a few days later that it had been a rough few days, I told him I was relieved to hear from him and asked if there was anything I could do. He said he was doing better and talked a bit about the funeral. I asked if he had ever told me anything about this friend but I didn’t hear anything until a week later when he broke up with me because he was not in the right mind set to be in a relationship. I could tell he took his friends suicide hard because he stopped talking to me and that it was the reason for braking up because we were so happy before. I offered my friendship to him because I know that’s what he needs right now, but really I wish I could tell him that if he ever felt he was on the right path in the future and still had feelings to let me know, but I know that is definitely not what he needs right now. I do believe we could be friends because we were essentially friends first and it being my first relationship I was not used to being a girlfriend yet. He is an amazing person and just wants to good in this world and I would like him to be a part of my life, however that may be. Many people say to surround yourself with friends and family but my close friends left and my mom’s brother is dying in the hospital so I don’t want to stress her out even more by her seeing my cry over this. The only other time in my life I was this distraught was when we had to put my beloved dog down (I had never cried or been in so much pain in my life). The hardest part is knowing we would have been great together under different circumstances and little things that remind me of our relationship together. We were supposed to go on a mud run next weekend, but it was moved to a week before his birthday in early September. Mostly I am confused on whether or not I should contact him and what about or how.

[kayc]

I am sorry you are going through this, I know how painful and confusing it is...been there!  I was engaged for a year when my fiance suddenly broke up with me when his mom was dying.  That was eight years ago.

You mentioned more than once that this was your first relationship...I hope you're not selling yourself short, I'm sure you were a wonderful girlfriend and I hope you realize this isn't about you, it's about him.  I know we've all heard that term, but in this situation it really is the case, it is his grief, and not about how good you were or weren't together.  Grief does that.  But it is also something revealing about him, because it shows you that rather than going through thick and thin together, he chooses to withdraw to handle things.  That is a red flag in my estimation.  I know you hadn't been together very long so perhaps he justifies it that way, but face it, there is a certain percentage of people that react to grief this way.  That doesn't make them bad people, but not great people to be in a relationship with or count on. 

I think he said what he wanted said and there's nothing more to bring up or contact him for...besides, he knows how to reach you if he wants, he's chosen not to.  It's important not to give yourself false hope that you'll reunite or that things will end up happy ever after with him.  If you read through each and every thread in this section, you'll realize that is not the case, that of all of the hundreds of people represented here, I think there is only one that actually made it through with the relationship intact.  When they break up, they usually stay broken up and maybe that is how it should be.

Breakups are tough to get through because they're so painful, there's no way through it but to persevere and get through the pain to the other side.  Let yourself cry, then when you're ready, pick yourself up and tell yourself you're done crying over him...and be done.  I did that, took me a few months, but I got there.  Meanwhile, it helps to distract yourself if you can, spend time with your family, make new friends, maybe join a different gym without the triggers, do different activities, something the two of you didn't share.

Time will bring you more clarity if you work on getting over him and realize your own self worth.  Take good care of yourself, be patient and understanding of yourself, be your own best friend, even while working on making new friends.  The roughest part is right now, but from here on out it will continue to get better, sometimes so slowly as to seem imperceptible, but one day you will look back and realize how much better you're doing and you'll see how far you've come!  I hope it helps to know that almost all of us have been through this at some time or another.

[Rae1991]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I am sorry you are going through this, I know how painful and confusing it is...been there!  I was engaged for a year when my fiance suddenly broke up with me when his mom was dying.  That was eight years ago.

You mentioned more than once that this was your first relationship...I hope you're not selling yourself short, I'm sure you were a wonderful girlfriend and I hope you realize this isn't about you, it's about him.  I know we've all heard that term, but in this situation it really is the case, it is his grief, and not about how good you were or weren't together.  Grief does that.  But it is also something revealing about him, because it shows you that rather than going through thick and thin together, he chooses to withdraw to handle things.  That is a red flag in my estimation.  I know you hadn't been together very long so perhaps he justifies it that way, but face it, there is a certain percentage of people that react to grief this way.  That doesn't make them bad people, but not great people to be in a relationship with or count on. 

I think he said what he wanted said and there's nothing more to bring up or contact him for...besides, he knows how to reach you if he wants, he's chosen not to.  It's important not to give yourself false hope that you'll reunite or that things will end up happy ever after with him.  If you read through each and every thread in this section, you'll realize that is not the case, that of all of the hundreds of people represented here, I think there is only one that actually made it through with the relationship intact.  When they break up, they usually stay broken up and maybe that is how it should be.

Breakups are tough to get through because they're so painful, there's no way through it but to persevere and get through the pain to the other side.  Let yourself cry, then when you're ready, pick yourself up and tell yourself you're done crying over him...and be done.  I did that, took me a few months, but I got there.  Meanwhile, it helps to distract yourself if you can, spend time with your family, make new friends, maybe join a different gym without the triggers, do different activities, something the two of you didn't share.

Time will bring you more clarity if you work on getting over him and realize your own self worth.  Take good care of yourself, be patient and understanding of yourself, be your own best friend, even while working on making new friends.  The roughest part is right now, but from here on out it will continue to get better, sometimes so slowly as to seem imperceptible, but one day you will look back and realize how much better you're doing and you'll see how far you've come!  I hope it helps to know that almost all of us have been through this at some time or another.

Hi Rocky,

I am sorry you find yourself in this painful place, as many of us here have. KayC already summed up everything I would've told you. My best friend committed suicide 7 years ago when I was 20, so I can relate to what he's going through when it comes to confusion, sadness and the inability to maintain yourself, as I did some very similar things as your boyfriend has. Though I didn't break up with my boyfriend I essentially abandoned him emotionally for a few months and I treated him poorly. He should have left me, but he didn't. It isn't right for people to act this way, but unfortunately some do. Some years later, my boyfriend of 14 months Tim, abruptly ghosted me after his father died in 2015 and that is what brought me to this forum.

I understand that this is your first relationship, so of course it is going to be hard for you. However, I do feel that given the very brief period of time you were together that you are selling yourself short in believing that he's the best you'll ever find. Please do not pin your self-worth or respect into other people. Realize your worth and that he is losing out, not you. I mean no disrespect because I do know that feelings happen fast for some and that it doesn't invalidate how you feel at this time. But, please DO NOT wait for him, contact him or spend the next years of your life pining over him. If he wanted to contact you, he knows how. Also, do not allow yourself to fall into any mind games he may try to play in his confused state by "keeping in contact with you as friends" or any such nonsense.

2 hours ago, kayc said:

When they break up, they usually stay broken up and maybe that is how it should be.

Breakups are tough to get through because they're so painful, there's no way through it but to persevere and get through the pain to the other side.  Let yourself cry, then when you're ready, pick yourself up and tell yourself you're done crying over him...and be done.  I did that, took me a few months, but I got there. 

I completely agree with this. Let yourself feel, cry and scream if you need to. But at some point pick yourself up, say "enough of this" and be done with it. He does not get to occupy space in your mind and heart that he didn't earn; don't let someone who willingly let go of you keep your heart.

At the time, I was devastated when Tim broke up with me, but now some 2.5 years later I can see that our relationship wouldn't have lasted because the issues that came forward when his father died would have shown themselves in some other way in the years to come and it would have made breaking up that much harder, especially once things became more serious and we spent more years together.

You will get through this and you will move on. For now just take it day by day, focus on your studies, pick up new hobbies, join a student club, etc. It will help keep you going as you work through your feelings.

--Rae 

[kayc]

I agree with what Rae wrote...well stated!  We've been there, we've followed the others who have been through it, we've seen the patterns, we've realized the clarity afforded us when we're further out from this.  Be kind to yourself, consider yourself, let him deal with himself and his issues, they aren't yours to fix or help, you have enough on your plate just healing and learning from all you're going through.