sarahmom5 Posted January 5, 2019 Report Share Posted January 5, 2019 Hello there, I am not sure how to do this but i am just going to start. I am a mother of 5 who resently turned 40. My oldest child, and only boy, is 22 yrs old. Yesturday I got the call that his dad, my ex husband for 20 yrs now, had died in his sleep. We havent gotten autopsy results yet so 'how' is still unanswered but he lived a very unhealthy lifestyle for a very long time but had been clean and doing well for a couple of years. He was not a big part of my sons childhood because of his unhealthy choices but they had just come back in contact and had made plans to hang out, and catch up. He and I had an ugly divorce and many fights after, and had not spoken in 6 years bc it was easier to go through his family that I love as my own, then to deal with the fight. I have been with my current spouse for 15 yrs but I never wanted to get married bc of my ugly divorce so early in my life. IT WAS UGLY. We have the other 4 girls together. Since hearing of his death and I cant stop crying. I cant sleep. He was my first love, my childhood sweetheart and the only man I ever said vows with. I was not in love with him at the end of our marriage but we had 5 great years together before it went bad and those 5 years of my life were more significant then I realized. He was the first person to truly love me unconditionally. He was there with me when I found out I was pregnant with my son and I FREAKED ( I was only 17 but had been living on my own for 2 years) and he was so happy and kept me sane. He got down on 1 knee in front of his huge family and professed his love and asked me to marry him. We grew up in our relationship. We turned from youth to adults in those 5 years. We became parents for the first time together. We loved each other. And he is gone. I dont know that there is a right or a wrong way to feel but I dont know how to feel at all. I dont know how to talk to people about it. I dont know how to explain the immense pain I feel. The loss. I may not have wanted to be with him, but I wanted him on this planet with me and now he is not. Before he died when his name came up all I could think of was the pain he put me through in our divorce, and since I heard the words 'willie died last night' I dont even remember that pain and my mind is filled with all the wonderful memories I have, and it hurts, it hurts so bad. The guilt. The loss. The grief. My current spouse is confused by this. Partly bc he has been around for all the times Willie disappointed our son, or made me so mad I broke down in tears, one time he even stole from us. But he was never around before all the bad choices. When he was great. He was great. How do I know how to feel? How Do I explain how I feel to my spouse? How Do I grieve appropriately? How do I get through the viewing tomorrow? How do I help my son cope? How Do I know if I am making it worse for my son then it would be if I wasnt so upset? How Do I do any of this? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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