Husband lost mom and our marriage is failing

[Kelbel10]

My husband and I have been married just over a year and when my mother in law passed away things really took a turn for the worse. We struggled before this tragedy but things have gotten so much worse. I just don’t know what to do anymore. At first he pulled me in closer and I thought maybe this loss was going to bring us closer but after about 2 weeks he pushed me away, distancing himself and ever since then there has been a huge divide. Two days before her passing I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying but the timing of finding out was very bittersweet. I think he resented me because I was pregnant. He would tell me he doesn’t want this child. He wasn’t ready. Told me I should get an abortion. This absolutely broke my heart. Things have only gotten worse. I have been treated so poorly and some of the things said to me are just unforgivable. Grief has changed my husband and I feel terrible but I truly don’t like the person he’s become. I don’t know how to process it all. 

[kayc]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I'm sorry he's treating you this way, there is no excuse, not even grief excuses bad behavior and treatment.  I strongly encourage you to see a counselor to help you figure out what you want to do.  I especially want you to know that what you want does not depend on him...you have the ball in YOUR court to decide for yourself what you want to do moving forward...it's up to him then to decide if he wants to get on board or not.  Too often we give the other person charge over us, over our lives, how things go, I just want you to know that YOU can make decisions without waiting on him.  Do not let him strongarm you into doing something you aren't comfortable with.  I do hope you'll get help with this, a counselor doesn't tell you what to do but helps you figure things out for yourself, helps you see from another perspective, things you hadn't thought of perhaps.

I do hope you'll feel free to come here any time, even just to vent...we're here, listening.

[Kelbel10]

Thank you Kayc ❤️

[Rae1991]

28 minutes ago, kayc said:

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I'm sorry he's treating you this way, there is no excuse, not even grief excuses bad behavior and treatment.  I strongly encourage you to see a counselor to help you figure out what you want to do.  I especially want you to know that what you want does not depend on him...you have the ball in YOUR court to decide for yourself what you want to do moving forward...it's up to him then to decide if he wants to get on board or not.  Too often we give the other person charge over us, over our lives, how things go, I just want you to know that YOU can make decisions without waiting on him.  Do not let him strongarm you into doing something you aren't comfortable with.  I do hope you'll get help with this, a counselor doesn't tell you what to do but helps you figure things out for yourself, helps you see from another perspective, things you hadn't thought of perhaps.

I do hope you'll feel free to come here any time, even just to vent...we're here, listening.

I absolutely agree and could not have said it better. Do not give away your power of autonomy and self-governance to another person (spouse or otherwise). As KayC said, a counselor will help you hash out what YOU want to do going forward, whether or not your husband wants to get on board with your decision is his own problem, not yours. Make the best choice for YOU, as he is already doing what he feels is best for himself without regard to how you feel, or how his cruel words hurt you.

--Rae 

[kayc]

And when you do...we'll be behind you, your cheering squad, you can do this.

[Kelbel10]

The support is greatly appreciated! Although he has made this experience pretty terrible for me, I’m over the moon excited to be a mom to my little guy. I truly struggle to look at my husband the same though and it’s heartbreaking to know could even think about not wanting our child. Especially since he’s already a dad to his 12 year old boy. I just don’t know how to get past it. I wish I understood grief more because it has changed him. The way he treated me and some of the things said are just unforgivable and unforgettable. 

[kayc]

I don't know what's going on inside of him, but I'm sure he'll love the baby when he comes...sure hope so anyway! 
When my daughter and her husband were grieving the loss of their child, he left her, now he's back but says their marriage is done.  He started drinking and he is not at all the same person.  I think grief was the trigger, I've seen it happen before.  She's 36 and it means she won't likely get to be a mom now, this has been going on for two years.

I wish I knew why some people, it does something to them.  I do think it'd help you to get some counseling, with or without him.  You take care of you...and that little guy.

[Rae1991]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I don't know what's going on inside of him, but I'm sure he'll love the baby when he comes...sure hope so anyway! 
When my daughter and her husband were grieving the loss of their child, he left her, now he's back but says their marriage is done.  He started drinking and he is not at all the same person.  I think grief was the trigger, I've seen it happen before.  She's 36 and it means she won't likely get to be a mom now, this has been going on for two years.

I wish I knew why some people, it does something to them.  I do think it'd help you to get some counseling, with or without him.  You take care of you...and that little guy.

Absolutely, kayc! Whether or not he loves that baby is not your problem, but his. You don't need his permission to have a child if he willingly participated in the act to make one. If you feel that what he's done/said is unforgivable and that you cannot move on together as a couple, you need to make that decision for yourself. Do not let others guilt you into tolerating someone's poor treatment of you or staying with someone you don't feel will love and protect you (and your child) the way you deserve, as they vowed to the day you were married. I am not saying to leave him, but do weigh your options and seek counseling to give you clarity and figure out what is best for you.

Sidenote: My mother stayed with my father after being guilted relentlessly by her family and church members because they were married and had just had a baby, she now admits that even though she loved him, she should have left him after the first time he was caught cheating and ran off on her when my sister was a newborn. She said the only things of value she left that marriage with are her 4 children, and a better idea of a life she did not want to live anymore. She has since gone back to school, has a Masters degree now and is living the life she wanted to live but never got the chance to as a young adult. They were married 16 years, its never too late to start over. 

To add to your inquiry KayC: I think part of why they behave this way isn't necessarily the loss itself, but the issue is unresolved problems from their past (especially childhood/formative years) that are in some way related to the person they lost. All of our stories have a common thread: the person had underlying issues that stemmed from their upbringing and/or traumatic events from their formative years. Intertwined to this is unhealthy mental/emotional coping mechanisms, habits and lifestyle as an adult, until grief forces them to remove the masks they wear and exposes their true selves. A thread from a girl named Miri exhibited her exes abandonment issues, ambivalence and resentment of his mother that led to him thrusting those burdens unto Miri, then leaving her when his mother died. My ex Tim had the same issues, only with both abusive parents, and it was evident by how he would react with confusion when I wouldn't yell at him if I was upset or we were arguing, and he would say "You're gonna yell at me, aren't you? Why aren't you angry? You should be." Your ex Jim seems to have had similar issues with codependency, and his being an Aspie only exacerbated his struggles. I myself struggled with abandonment, emotional unavailability, codependency and serious anger issues after my grandfather and best friend died, and it nearly cost me my mental health and relationship. My father was an absolute wreck when his adoptive mother passed away and when my mother's dad (my grandfather) passed, but wanted nothing to do with his biological father's funeral and didn't really care much when he passed. There's a commonality among our stories on this forum, it just takes time for us to make peace with it because we love them, and are willing to look past their flaws and glaring red flags. Humans may be seen as unpredictable because their behavior has differing extremes, but much of their behavior pattern itself is predictable because it usually has a cause/trigger/reason, and it is very evident in this forum. Emotions at times may seem illogical, but there is (usually) always an explanation/reason rooted in the cause of said behavior.

--Rae 

[kayc]

Rae,

Your mom sounds like someone I'd like to know!  What an inspiration and role model!  She may not have left right away, but she did do it and went on to do something with her life, that's amazing!

Yes my friend Jim and his family are co-dependents, all except his daughter, April.  She's learned and is healthy inside.  I'm hoping his going for therapy will benefit him in many ways as he realizes he needs to figure himself out.  It's never too late as long as we're drawing breath!

As your mom learned, we need neither validation or permission from others to do what we know is best for us.