Nobody's Little Girl Anymore

[jodietunnell]

i lost my dad five years ago and i havent completely gotten over it then i lost my mom two weeks ago i havent been sleeping very good my appitite went too.my moms funeral will be friday and i don't think i am ready to say goodbye.even though i was'nt the baby of the family i was spoiled by my dad i could do no wrong cause he would always save me he walkeed me down the isle when i got married was always there for me.i was close to my mother also she always depended on me i always enjoyed doing everything with my mom now she is gone i am glad she went in piece and not in pain.i miss her so much and in the mornings sometimes i can still smell her favorite perfume and it grings back alot of memories i miss her so much i just cant say goodbye yet but i know i got to for my own sake.

[shell]

Oh Jodie,

It is so hard. Maybe try to think that you have already said "goodbye", in a way, the moment she died. The funeral is just a ceremony of sorts. And of course, she will always be with you, no matter what or where. You have my deepest sympathies.

Take care of yourself,

Shell

[KathyD]

Jodie,

I'm truly sorry to hear about your loss. I don't think that we ever really say goodbye to the people that we have loved, and if goodbye means accepting that they have passed we all have to do it in our own time. The funeral by no means equals the finality of your relationship with your mom, Shell is right to say it's basically a ceremony. My Dad died about a month ago and I don't think I'll ever be able to say goodbye to him, nor do I want to. Please post here whenever you'd like as the wonderful people on these boards are so helpful.

Kathy

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

Regarding the matter of "saying goodbye" to our loved ones who have died, I'd like to share with you the following, written by the wise and wonderful Darcie Sims (bereaved parent and child, grief management specialist, internationally recognized speaker and author):

Why do we spend so much time and grief over saying goodbye?

Twenty-five years ago I did get to say goodbye. I knew the end of our son’s life was approaching, and I got the chance to say goodbye and I didn’t take it. In the last moments of my son’s life, and years later, of my parents’ lives, I did not say goodbye.

Goodbye? Why would I want to say goodbye? I wasn’t through saying hello!

With the very last breath of my son’s life, I simply said, “I love you.” I was able to be with my mom in her final hours, and I did not say goodbye. I said, “I love you.” And although I was not with my dad when he died, the last words I shared with him as I left his home on what was to be his last night, I kissed him and said, “I love you.”

Let go of the hurt you are experiencing if you [can’t bring yourself to] say goodbye . . . Goodbye is simply too final, too harsh, too forever. Surely our loved ones knew we loved them. Surely our loved ones knew we cared. And even if you don’t believe they knew, you can do something about that right now.

Go outside, find your special star, and with all your might, whisper, speak or yell out loud, “I LOVE YOU!” Trust me, the universe is listening, and your words of love will travel far to reach the heart of those no longer within hug’s reach. I guess you could yell goodbye, too, if you really want to . . . but why? Why let the grief of saying goodbye rob you of the memories of what you did get to say and how you lived your lives together? Why let saying goodbye steal away the joy of knowing your loved one was in your life and is still a thread in your fabric, to be woven forever around your heart?

Goodbye? I’d rather live my life so that my last words are, “I love you.” We never know when an ordinary day will turn into a day that gets marked down in the family history as a not-so-ordinary day. But all of us can live our lives so we can leave with few regrets. Don’t let the [death of your loved one] rob you of your hope, your passion, your joy in living. Let it become a lesson for all of us to live our lives as if there were only moments left . . . because that is all there really are anyway.

Moments, just moments, one after another, each special and sacred in its own way, each waiting to be etched forever on our memories or lost in the sea of millions of other ordinary moments.

I learned so long ago that any moment can be the last one, so I no longer waste too many of my moments. Oh yes, there are days when I simply plod through the moments, not even aware of their passing. It often takes a cataclysmic event to shake me out of my reverie and reawaken me to the specialness of each moment . . . Take advantage of the moments we have and spend them wisely. Spend them saying, “I love you,” instead of saying, “Goodbye.”

I grew up military, married military and gave birth to military, and goodbye has always been a part of my life. But I gave up saying it long ago when I realized “I love you” lasts far longer and feels so much better. Goodbye? I’m not through saying “Hello” and “I LOVE YOU!”

– From an article by Darcie D. Sims, Ph.D., in Bereavement Magazine, January/February 2002. Reprinted with permission from Bereavement Publishing, Inc., 888-604-4673

Darcie Sims is president and co-founder of GRIEF,Inc. and director of the American Grief Academy in Seattle, WA. She can be contacted at Griefinc@aol.com

[STARKISS]

Hi Marty T,

Thank you for sharing what you wrote in your last post, it was very helpful to read... I have been on my grief journey for sixteen months for my mom and twelve months for my dad... I still have my bad days, my sister and I are now talking more and we are openminded for what each of us say about our dead parents... It is so nice that at least one of the family will now talk about them... Take care and thank you again Shelley