My boyfriend is greiving. Is what he does ok?

[Nessey18]

My boyfriend lost his mom a couple weeks ago. At first he was fine. He didn't cry. He felt relieved. But now he keep violently raging at me? He's hit me and broken my stuff. I reacted by getting angry and breaking his stuff. Is it normal for things like that to happen? And he has severe mental health issues but is refusing to go to appointments to get medicine he needs. What do i now? How can i help him? She i leave since he's hit me? Open to any advice. Plz don't be mean. I've posted on another website and it wasn't helpful cuz they insulted my boyfriend and i.

[Rae1991]

9 hours ago, Nessey18 said:

My boyfriend lost his mom a couple weeks ago. At first he was fine. He didn't cry. He felt relieved. But now he keep violently raging at me? He's hit me and broken my stuff. I reacted by getting angry and breaking his stuff. Is it normal for things like that to happen? And he has severe mental health issues but is refusing to go to appointments to get medicine he needs. What do i now? How can i help him? She i leave since he's hit me? Open to any advice. Plz don't be mean. I've posted on another website and it wasn't helpful cuz they insulted my boyfriend and i.

This behavior is not normal. Physical violence is NEVER ACCEPTABLE.

It is normal to have an adverse reaction to a death, yes. We all grieve differently. However, he crossed a line and you need to walk away. Physical violence is NEVER OKAY. If he is refusing help for his mental health problems, he shouldn't be taking them out on you. WALK AWAY. You are not his scapegoat, therapist, or punching bag. His refusal to deal with his mental health IS NOT YOUR FAULT OR PROBLEM.

You need to love yourself first. He's made it clear he does not love you. Yes, he may be grieving his mother, but that is not a reason to assault or abuse you. Yes, he may have mental health problems, but that is not a reason to abuse you. It will not get better, you cannot make him seek meds until he makes the choice to get medication for himself, and even then, there's no guarantee he won't abuse you further. LEAVE HIM.

Don't ever let someone, including yourself, make you believe that physical violence is acceptable. IT NEVER IS. It doesn't matter if he's high, drunk, depressed, has mental problems, whatever, IT IS NOT OKAY.

You may love him, but he does not love you. If you don't walk away you are dooming yourself to a fate that no one deserves. You cannot change him, putting up with abuse is not love, "ride or die" or "standing by your man," it is abuse. DO NOT be his "ride or die," because you will end up dead.

You need to leave him. He crossed the line. Please, seek help from a women's shelter, domestic violence crisis center/hotlines, or talk to a family member or friends for help.

https://www.thehotline.org/ 1-800-799-7233

I say this as a person who lived it. My moms ex-husband was an abusive alcoholic. Even when he was going through rehab and was "sober" and on medication for a week or two, he was still abusive to us. He never completed any stints in rehab. First he targeted us, her kids, and my mom turned a blind eye to it because it wasn't happening to her. Once we all came of age and left, that's when he started targeting her and she sought help from the police and DV counseling and assistance. Abusers have an end game, and it is to stop you from leaving by any means possible. My mom took him back 5 different times during their marriage after vowing to leave him each time. After the final time, he stalked her for over a year. He then tried to kill her by malfunctioning her car engine so it started on fire and nearly exploded.

He is not going to change. Do you have a support network of friends or a family member you could stay with? If you are living together, seriously consider staying with a friend. Please tell someone close to you, and if need be, call the police. Be wary about involving his family, as they will more than likely defend him before they defend you.

He did it once, he will do it again. Stop it before it escalates. Leave.

--Rae 

[kayc]

I agree with Rae, first sign of physical violence, all he should see is the dust clouds of your quickly leaving!  My first marriage was one of extreme violence, I now have hearing loss in my left ear due to his hitting me.  I also lost a baby at 4 1/2 months due to his punching me in the stomach.  Trust me, it doesn't get better, not even with their "I'm sorrys", it escalates.

What he is doing is not acceptable.  A certain percentage of people distance themselves from their SO and break up following loss, and I highly recommend a period of no contact when that happens.  But physical and verbal and emotional abuse??  NEVER ACCEPTABLE!

I endured physical violence the first half of my life, first from my mom, then from my first husband.  I encourage you to get counseling.  It's important to value yourself enough to know you won't accept this.  No excuses.

Rae has covered it all already, I issue a hearty AMEN to everything she's said!