My Father, My Hero, My Friend

[sunstreet]

My Father passed away Monday, May 8, 2006 at 9:10am after a long and courageous existance with Alzheimer's. I would like to share with anyone here who cares to read my post the Tribute I wrote and read out at his funeral Monday, May 15, 2006 at 11am

TRIBUTE TO HOWARD STANLEY BROWN

My Father,

The star that lit my life, shining bright,

Still shining in my heart,

The years have led me here,

Weathered with maturity and responsibilities,

And I see more clearly now,

The hardships, the burdens of love,

And all the sacrifices he made for me,

And for our family,

He created stability, a place to call home,

All the photographs I browse through,

Of a child long forgotten, scarcely remembered,

Smiling, so happy, so loved,

Grown up,

I see differently now...,

A new perspective of a man I have always known,

My heart is full, my emotions overpowering,

Just in the certainty of that bond,

He's been there for me through all the conflicts,

Helping me over the rough,

ragged stones of growing up,

My respect for him is unending,

Faith is unbound, and love is unquestioning,

Even in the midst of my imperfections, he is lenient,

Ignoring the pitfalls, the downfalls, the shortcomings,

He just accepted me as I was, as I am,

The sheer purity of it leaves me awestruck,

And lifts me up, it holds my head a little higher,

It keeps me in balance,

harmonizing with the world around me,

Beautifully, like an inspired masterpiece,

From the sould of an honest man,

I am honoured to know him,

To love him, to be of him,

He is my hero, and I am his daughter,

His little girl.

I love you Dad, forever and ever and always.

[shell]

How touching and beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

Shell

[sunstreet]

Shell,

Thank you so much for reading my tribute to my Father and for your sentiments. I am hurting quite a bit tonight, even though, my Father's death was expected, it still feels like such a shock. It was the longest good-bye I have ever endured. My Father was a very healthy man other than the Alzheimer's so he went to the very end with the disease. It took three days to sort out the proper med's to control my Father's pain and it was the most helpless I have ever felt in my life. Once the pain was under control, my Father looked at peace, and 9 days later he passed away. My Father lost the ability to speak over three years ago but during those last twelve days of his life I felt as if I was having a conversation with him. They will be having a memorial for my Father on May 31 at the facility and I will once again stand up and tell whoever is there what a joy it is to be my Father's daughter.

[shell]

My fathers illness was unexpected and very fast, but I know it doesn't matter if it's expected or not. Death is still a huge shock. It is so devastatingly final. I'm so glad you had that time with your father at the end. As painful as it is, it's a form of closeness you can only experience in that situation.

Hugs,

Shell

[AmyLea]

Hugs to Sunstreet and Shell. My father passed on February 7th of this year from end state emphysemia and had suffered from ever worsening dementia. We really do lose them twice...the Daddy he once was, then Daddy's body/physical presence. I've realized since Daddy's death that my grief for my Mom (who was my best friend, confidant and biggest supporter) was interrupted early on when Daddy needed my attention and care. Mom passes away suddenly on January 9, 2003. So with Daddy's passing, my grief and longing for my mom has intensified. Once my husband secures work (hopefully very soon) I plan to leave my job which is very stressful and my lack of focus and high anxiety have made my work performance sink very low. I need to take some time to take care of Amy. Hope I can keep the job until I can voluntarily leave it in the time frame best for my family.

I remember toward the end, Daddy used to look at me with a childlike adoration when I would enter the room. You have to look for the little blessings w/ Alzheimer's or other dementias. Growing up, my Daddy had trouble expressing love. In the end, he was my child and he loved me with such unreserved abandon. I miss that man, but I would never want him back like he was. Yesterday and today are especially hard.

[sunstreet]

AmyLea,

Thanks for your post. I am sorry for your loss. I agree you do loose somone twice with Alzheimer's. My Father also looked at me with childlike adoration until he reached end stage. I very much felt that midway with my Father's journey with Alzheimer's that I became the parent and he became the child. I also very much agree that you have to look for the blessings in something as tragic as Alzheimer's. I miss my Father something fierce, it is very much a physical pain, that at times seems all consuming.

[star0422]

That is so beautiful.. I lost my Dad April 10th. I miss him so much.

[sunstreet]

Hi Star0422,

Thank you for reading my Tribute to my Father. I am so sorry for your loss. Hope it is a comfort you are not alone in your pain....I do understand. We must hang onto all of our memories and carry them forward with us as you would a bouquet of flowers.

Sunstreet

[jathh]

thankyou for such a wonderful tribute to a wonderful man.

Yes, my father too was such a man, a real man, how glad I am to know there are others...

[Jester]

What beautiful words... I meant to read something for my mother, but I was too grief striken to write something, my mind was blank, so I decided to improvise something, just say what came to mind, but mind was absent... and my voice failed me, and the knot in my throat didn't allow me to speak. I speak to her often, but I have regrets I didn't do it in public, and I am glad you could, and I am glad you found the piece for a few minutes to write precious words as these. Thank you for sharing.

[sunstreet]

thankyou for such a wonderful tribute to a wonderful man.

Yes, my father too was such a man, a real man, how glad I am to know there are others...

Jathh,

Thank you for reading my Tribute to my Father. I am happy for you that your

Father was also a great man. There are others...the pain of loosing someone so great though is so intense and so painful....peace to us all.

Sunstreet

What beautiful words... I meant to read something for my mother, but I was too grief striken to write something, my mind was blank, so I decided to improvise something, just say what came to mind, but mind was absent... and my voice failed me, and the knot in my throat didn't allow me to speak. I speak to her often, but I have regrets I didn't do it in public, and I am glad you could, and I am glad you found the piece for a few minutes to write precious words as these. Thank you for sharing.

Jester,

I am so sorry for your loss. I would like to propose that when you are ready you still could write some words for your Mother. Try not to be to hard on yourself for I beleive we always do what is best for us at the time. I beleive your words will come and the time and place will present itself your you to read them. Courage to you.

Sunstreet

[jathh]

Sunstreet,

you know what, life is such a wonderful learning experience. We were lucky to have had such wonderful fathers. But you know what too, as a father, our

Dads might have been wonderful, as a father...but as anything else, I'm no longer going to idealise my Dad. As a husband, he was not so good, and now I know I was born into a scenario of sickness and denial! 'Stories' have come out since he died. My Dad had a 'weakness' for women. He said to my mother that marrigage was built on trust. She trusted him, she was wrong to do that.

But you know what too, I forgive them. They did their best in this world.

They may not have been open and honest with each other, but I hope to break that cycle, one day, in this world.

Peace, blessings, to you.

jathh.

[shell]

jathh,

You've brought up an important point, I think. Some people do see only the good in the person that passed and that can lead to trouble too. My mom and brother and I had a long talk about my dad the other day, and we talked about a lot of good things, happy memories and such, but we also thought of a few of his faults and talked about them too. I always say that true love is loving both the good and the bad in someone. Knowing their flaws, but loving them in spite of their flaws. We all have them, though some are much worse and sometimes unforgivable and that's ok too. But talking about my dads flaws actually made us all feel better, because we knew we loved him and could let him rest in peace. Luckily, my dads flaws weren't that bad, so the conversation was light and we even laughed about some of it. But even if there are really destructive flaws, if you can try to forgive them (which in some cases isn't easy or even possible), then I think you both can "rest in peace".

Hugs,

Shell

[jathh]

Shell,

yes, thankyou. He still is my hero, but I know he wasn't flawless. Its helped me understand what true love is. Acceptance, we all need this. I wish my family could talk about these things but they can't. I accept this...

thankyou,

jathh

Shell,

do you know what, the week my Dad was dying, his second wife (who I didn't even know was his wife because that was a 'secret' they kept between themselves) was telling me all about his misdemeanours that she had experienced! That's aside from the stuff from my mum since (his first wife). Oh boy! Life is truly one big learning experience. But I still love him, and think he was wonderful, despite his flaws. So all is ok...

hugs,

Jathh

[shell]

jathh,

There are some things people should keep to themselves, huh? I can't understand grown people having to tell all their "secrets" to other family members, especially a daughter. I'm glad you can put that aside and have love in your heart for him.

Hugs,

Shell

[Maylissa]

jathh,

I think you're doing a wise thing, incorporating all sides of your father into your grief. Most grief books recognize the common period and practise of putting our loved ones on pedestals early on in the grief process, then go on to say that a more realistic view of them is what will help us move through the process better later on.....so you're really ahead of the game in that respect. To recognize your family's denial, etc. is a really empowering step.

As for secrets in the family, while some can be painful, the positive side of them is that they lend themselves to this realistic view. However, there is such a thing as better timing on the part of those who would share such secrets, and to tell you before you've even asked is rather self-serving....but maybe these others also feel some sort of need to get things off their chests and unfortunately, you're the one they chose to do that by way of....not terribly sensitive of them to even test the waters first or simply ASK you if you wanted to know about such things.

For myself, I WAS wanting to know as many of the secrets as possible and was, and still am, frustrated and disappointed when that became impossible. I was searching to find answers to things that would have helped me understand not only my family's history/dynamics better, but more of my Mother and her reasoning and reactions throughout her life. One relative even said to me, when I told her I'd spent my whole life to date looking at my family's ways, "Well, what a complete waste of time!!" I couldn't have disagreed more! So personally, I'd rather know all I can, rather than operate from an incomplete or misleading picture. Unfortunately, I still have a hard time accepting that I'll probably never know the things I want to know, as this knowledge would, I think, lend some 'closure' to the whole messy business of my Mum's and brother's deaths and the aftermath of those.

Edited July 10, 2006 by Maylissa

[sunstreet]

Jathh,

Indeed you have brought up a good point. As humans we are all flawed to some degree or other. Personally, I like to take the stand point that we all do our best with what we know and what our life experiences have been. My Father had his flaws and he was a great man and Father. All of these statements are true. It is true that for me his flaws seem so not important, oh if I could just touch him one more time, flaws and all. In my mind it is life that is important and how we choose to engage in it.

Peace to you....Sunstreet