Dealing With Insensitive, Uncaring People

[Border Collie Lover]

As I navigate through the healing journey after losing my beloved dog (3) weeks ago, I have been reading so many different posts from people that are trying to come to terms with insensitive, uncaring individuals in their lives (whether they are family, friends, co-workers or casual acquaintances) who tell them that "you need to move on" and "get a grip - you've grieved enough."  I've come to the conclusion that these people are not uncaring or insensitive at all. That's our interpretation - especially if our emotions are still very raw. I think that these people just have a very low threshold for handling and expressing emotional pain. It makes them uncomfortable. They may have grown up in a family where it was considered a "weakness" - especially for men - to openly grieve. That's sad because, as we all know, if you don't deal openly with your grief it's only going to come out in some other way - whether it be: anger, depression, seeking relief with alcohol or drugs, withdrawal and isolation from others, etc.) These insensitive individuals are probably hurting from a past experience or unresolved conflict that was never properly addressed and just buried within their subconcious - only to resurface at a later date with a vengeance. Their insensitivity towards the grieving is just a gut reminder that emotional pain is very taxing. It hurts - and it hurts bad. They have a hard time dealing with their own pain - how can we expect them to deal with ours? . .Having said all that, do I have a secure grip on my own emotions? No, I don't. I still have crying spells that are seemingly triggered by someone sending me a sympathy card or seeing a picture of my beloved dog. The memories well up in my mind and I just lose it. I have learned that you have to deal with these emotions or they will manifest themselves in lots of negative ways. I don't want that. I'm just trying to do the best that I can - one day at a time.

Jim

[kayc]

I don't expect them to deal with mine.  I do expect they keep their insensitive comments to themselves, however.  It's too much to expect us to deal with our grief, which is overwhelming in and of itself, AND their stupid comments.

Right after my husband died, someone asked how I was and tears started coming down my face.  A woman said, "You CAN'T love George more than Jesus!"  I just looked at her like she was in the twilight zone and said "Jesus is still here, George isn't."  I don't even get why she'd threw Jesus in there.  Most ridiculous comment I ever got.  Then when Arlie died, a neighbor said he heard I was really having a hard time with it and he commented, "They aren't made to live that long, they only live a short time."  Was that supposed to make me feel better?  Bring me comfort?  

I think our society has a lot to learn about grief, including what to say, what not to say.

On 9/30/2019 at 4:53 AM, Border Collie Lover said:

I'm just trying to do the best that I can - one day at a time.

Exactly.  And this is a process.

[Kieron]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

Most ridiculous comment I ever got.

Wow, and here I thought I had heard my share of stupid remarks.  That even tops the one I was subjected to (a few weeks back) in terms of insensitivity.  Do people even hear themselves spouting these asinine opinions?

[Peggy Sue]

After my mother died in 1997 at the age of 57 after unsuccessful heart surgery, a colleague said “Well, at least she didn’t get Alzheimer’s”. This woman was a psychologist. I still shake my head about her comment. Our culture does handle grief very poorly. Sympathy cards are full of advice on grieving “May you find comfort in the memories...” No, memories are not comforting at all, not for a long long time. But I realize now that many people think they are being helpful. Their attempts are clumsy & pathetic. I want everyone to know about my mother & now my sister (she died on 6/29/19 from brain cancer). And my sweet amazing Peggy Sue (rescue Irish Setter) 9/25/19. I don’t let these comments keep me from talking any more. 

[kayc]

10 hours ago, Peggy Sue said:

After my mother died in 1997 at the age of 57 after unsuccessful heart surgery, a colleague said “Well, at least she didn’t get Alzheimer’s”. This woman was a psychologist. I still shake my head about her comment. Our culture does handle grief very poorly. Sympathy cards are full of advice on grieving “May you find comfort in the memories...” No, memories are not comforting at all, not for a long long time. But I realize now that many people think they are being helpful. Their attempts are clumsy & pathetic. I want everyone to know about my mother & now my sister (she died on 6/29/19 from brain cancer). And my sweet amazing Peggy Sue (rescue Irish Setter) 9/25/19. I don’t let these comments keep me from talking any more. 

I'm sorry you lost your Peggy Sue.  I recently lost my Arlie, and I honestly don't expect to ever get over it...just learn to live with it I guess.  I miss him so much, it feels unbearable.  Irish Setters are wonderful dogs, I can understand how you lost your heart to her. 

I do use their ill comments as a point for educating them.  Dr. Phil says we have to teach people how to treat us, I guess that holds true for grief too.  I understand they often have good intent, but oh if only they could think how it sounds to us before they speak it!  Sometimes no words are necessary, just being there says so much.

[Border Collie Lover]

Peggy Sue:

  My heartfelt condolences on your losses. I know exactly what you mean about the insensitive comments, I get them all the time. The one that bothers me the most is when people ask me  "Are you going to get another dog right away?" Don't they realize that my beloved little girl just passed and I need time to properly mourn our special relationship.? Grief does not have an ON and OFF switch. My dog was my BFF, confidante, exercise partner, my mood stabilizer and so much more. I need to embrace that without yielding to any expiration date or societal pressure. I know people are - in most cases - just trying to be helpful, but grief is so complex and taxing that I have to retreat from their presence. I know grief makes people uncomfortable. We as a society don't handle it well at all. Maybe, one day that will change.

Jim