My Little Kiwi is gone....

[Bobaloo11]

My little angel Kiwi crossed over the rainbow bridge while I held her in my arms at 7:30 this evening. She was my emotional support animal for 15yrs.  She had a few physical ailments for the last couple months. I noticed her breathing was a little labored but not too bad.  I took her to the Vet today just to check it out. X-RAYS showed some fluid around her lungs. The Dr. Said it wasn't too bad but he could drain it, so I said go ahead if it will make her more comfortable.  20min. later he returned with Kiwi looking good. I took her home after paying $180. She seemed ok for the first hour or so, then she began to pant , wheeze and foam from the mouth. She was in my arms when she passed. The problem is that she was "ok" but I opted to take her to the doctor and had him do an elective procedure that pretty much killed her.  I apologised to her because I feel responsible for her demise. Now I'm dealing with the guilt AND the financial responsibility. In the last few months I spent almost $1500 on her! Talk about adding to insult to injury.  (My gf started a go fund me for her a few weeks ago). There are good people out there that helped but it won't bring my Kiwi back. I'm devastated and wracked with guilt and can't stop sobbing.  I've never felt grief like this before and don't know if I can take much more of this pain.

Thanks for listening.

Bob

[MartyT]

Bob, my dear, I very much doubt that the elective procedure you describe is what killed your little angel Kiwi. It is far more likely that it was the underlying disease (congestive heart failure perhaps?) that caused her death. When you feel ready and able to do so, you might consider having a visit with Kiwi's veterinarian, who is the person best qualified to explain what really happened here. I don't mean to diminish your pain in any way ~ what you are feeling is most certainly understandable, even if the guilt you're carrying isn't justified. When someone you love dies ~ despite all your best efforts to save her, and no matter how much money you spent ~ it is only human to feel enormous guilt for what you did or failed to do ~ and the pain and grief you're experiencing is in direct proportion to the love and level of attachment you feel toward your beloved Kiwi. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I wish for peace and healing to your broken heart.

I invite you to do a bit of reading, if only to reassure you that what you're feeling is normal. See, for example, 

Pet Loss: A Disenfranchised Grief

Pet Loss: Why Does It Hurt So Much?

Pet Loss: Is It a Different Kind of Grief?

Pet Loss: When Guilt Overshadows Grief

[kayc]

Bob,

I am so sorry.  It's the hardest thing in the world...my Arlie was my sole companion for 10 1/2 years and then he was diagnosed with inoperable cancer.  Bit by bit I watched him go downhill, doing everything I could to keep him eating, it was tremendously hard to have him euthanized to alleviate his suffering.

Going through all of the "what if's" and recriminations seems to be a part of grief.  One exercise that helps is to tell yourself what you would tell a friend in this situation.  We seem to be hardest on ourselves.  You are deep in the throes of grief, so giving yourself the gift of patience and understanding, and yes, forgiveness, is to be coveted.  We do our best and have their best interests in mind but some things are beyond our control. We have to rely on medical experts, but sometimes they fail us.

Have you talked with the vet since?

If you are up to it, maybe you could post a picture of your angel.