"Stuck" in the grief

[Kathy H]

In March my dearest Kiro was hit by a car and killed.  No one’s fault, just one of those things that “shouldn’t have happened.”  I’ve had a lot of cats and escorted them through their lives and deaths, but I feel stuck with this one – stuck in the grief and the tears.  Yes, he was the most amazing cat I’ve ever had – riding in a wheelbarrow while I gardened, great sense of humor, my “everywhere buddy,” as affectionate and well-adjusted as they come.  But I feel like I’m not dealing with his grief in the right way, because it doesn’t seem to be moving or shifting.  I read something on one of the posts about adjusting the thoughts (forgive me if I’m paraphrasing incorrectly) from focusing on the anguish of grief to the something about letting go.  I’d love to hear more about that.  I feel as if I’m holding onto my anguish about his death as a way of holding him close and keeping him alive.   A little of what gets me in trouble is the idea that he still might be around, spiritually.  So that when I talk to him, hold him close, tell him how much I love and miss him, he hears, but that also brings up the anguish.  If I think of him as “dead and gone,” it feels better, like “get over it, Kathy, he’s gone” but then I feel as if I’m betraying him by abandoning him “psychically.”  Make sense?

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Kathy, to learn of the tragic death of your dearest Kiro. 

18 hours ago, Kathy H said:

I read something on one of the posts about adjusting the thoughts (forgive me if I’m paraphrasing incorrectly) from focusing on the anguish of grief to the something about letting go.  I’d love to hear more about that.

When we lose someone dearly loved, it's important to distinguish between letting go of the one who died, and letting go of the pain associated with the loss. Of course you rail against the idea of letting go of your Kiro! What would happen if, instead of focusing on letting him go, you focused on letting go of the pain?

I encourage you to do whatever you can to keep your love of Kiro alive in your heart and preserve your precious memories of him. The love you shared with him lives on, because love does not die, and neither does the close relationship you still have with him. You can love and remember him in spirit, and I cannot imagine why you would want to let go of that! Still, it is the pain of losing him that troubles you now, and I promise you that your pain will diminish over time ~ especially if you DO allow yourself to remember him with love. What might you do to preserve your memories? See, for example, Memorializing Pets We Have Lost ~ and might you share a picture of him here with all of us?

[kayc]

Kathy,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I loved hearing that he had a great sense of humor...I've never met a cat with one!  I have a thread about my journey losing my beloved companion, Arlie, to cancer "Living with Loss" and have another thread about my memories with him "Memories of Arlie" in Loss of Pet section.k

I understand your continued anguish, it's been seven weeks for me and I continue to cry and I love and miss him every day.  I am starting to paint rocks to put on his grave, I finished my first one, it has a dog bone on it with "treat" and a heart.  I want to paint ones that have things that are meaningful to him.  It may take me a long time to accomplish this with my schedule, but I think it will be therapeutic.

I hope you'll continue to come here and post, it helps to express yourself and know you are heard.

[Kathy H]

Thank you both for your thoughts, and Marty, that makes total sense;  plus it gives me a new way to focus my love and thoughts.  Here's our boy, a true lover of life!   

[MartyT]

Absolutely precious! Thank you so much for sharing these darling photos of your fur baby, Kathy. Your Kiro is adorable, and it's obvious that he was one contented feline. I know that he has left a huge, Kiro-sized hole in your heart ~ but that's where your love for him lives now. ❤️ 

May I ask, how did you come by that unusual name for him? 

[Kathy H]

Ah, you're sweet, and obviously you have a HUGE heart!   Kiro originally belonged to our next door neighbors, about a quarter mile away.  They had three cats and decided to throw them all outside when one of them peed on the baby's clothes.  Kiro found his way to our house and was a two-timer for a bit before settling down as our love child.  The neighbors said his name was "Karl," but no no no, that was my old boyfriend's name.   Then they said they called him "Curl," or something, but I never really heard them right, and started calling him Kiro.  This photo is more like him, making himself absolutely at home in the oddest places.  That fence post is about 8' tall.

[kayc]

He's beautiful!  My neighbor has a dog name Kyro!  He was lucky to be taken in by you.

[MartyT]

Love it! Kiro must have been a real character!