Daughter Died of Suicide

[mollysenecal]

Hello, 

My daughter died of suicide almost one year ago. I am still trying to learn how to breathe between the broken pieces. Are there others here who have lost children to suicide? I write, but I still feel stuck. What things have brought you comfort?

Thank you,  

Molly 

[kayc]

I have experienced all loss but that, but someone should be along soon.  I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine. 

[MartyT]

Molly, my dear, my heart reaches out to you in your pain. Losing a child is painful beyond words ~ but to lose a child to suicide is even worse. I am so sorry. I've lost a child and I've lost a family member to suicide, but these were separate losses, and in no way akin to what has happened to you. I hope you know that there are many sources of information and support "out there" and available to you. You'll find many of them listed here, and I urge you to check them out: Grief Support For Survivors of Suicide Loss. See also When An Adult Child Dies: Resources for Bereaved Parents ❤️

[kayc]

I, too, have lost someone I cared about to suicide but to lose a child to that, that's beyond comprehension.  I'm so sorry.  

[Shelia]

Hi Molly, 

I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my son to suicide. As a Mother my heart aches for you. My best friend also lost her son to suicide, three months after my son committed suicide. The only thing that brought me comfort at times was my walk with the Lord. "The Lord is close to the broken hearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit" ( Psalm 34:18). 

[kayc]

@Shelia

I am so sorry.  I know of nothing that could be more painful.  Thank you for sharing comfort to someone else going through it.  One of my favorite passages: (God) who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Cor 1:4

[Melissa70]

I lost my son to suicide last week. He was only 18 years old and referring to him in the past tense kills me. I cannot handle making arrangements and trying to honor a memory. I don’t want it to be a memory. 
 

I hope that you have been able to heal a little for that will give me hope, maybe. 
 

im a single mom and I need to stay strong for my other three kids (15, 16, and 20). I’m not sure how to survive this. 
 

Melissa

[kayc]

@Melissa70  I am so sorry for the loss of your son!  I can't imagine...I've lost my husband and that was hard enough.  And to suicide, that's also hard.  
 

I hope you will look at this article, there are many links to other pertinent articles listed below it.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/when-adult-child-dies-resources-for.html

[etta]

my son commit suicide may 11 2020 i am try to get though ti  i feel lost  he was 39 year  old he hung his self  we found him hanging out thir  i try to help him i feel like i feild him  i am so sorry about your daruther my heart gos out to you

[MartyT]

I am so very sorry for your loss, etta. I hope you will read all the posts in this thread, including this one: 

 

[kayc]

20 hours ago, etta said:

my son commit suicide may 11 2020 i am try to get though ti  i feel lost  he was 39 year  old he hung his self  we found him hanging out thir  i try to help him i feel like i feild him  i am so sorry about your daruther my heart gos out to you

Oh etta, I am so sorry!  I feel your pain and anguish...that is truly heartbreaking.  I doubt you failed him but that's a common feeling to suicide survivors, I felt that way when my coworker, whom I'd known all his life, commit suicide.  He was my boss' son in a family run business, to see them try to make their way through the pain...no words.  They did get counseling and that helped tremendously.  Esp. with the stupid things people said to them.  The counselor helped them re-frame it and focus anew.  It takes a while to get there but the good memories we have sustain us...danged if it's not hard getting there though!  

I wrote this article ten years after the sudden loss of my barely 51 year old husband...it's of the things I've found helpful along the way.  I hope something in it is helpful for you, if not now, perhaps on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[etta]

On 8/8/2020 at 10:01 AM, kayc said:

Oh etta, I am so sorry!  I feel your pain and anguish...that is truly heartbreaking.  I doubt you failed him but that's a common feeling to suicide survivors, I felt that way when my coworker, whom I'd known all his life, commit suicide.  He was my boss' son in a family run business, to see them try to make their way through the pain...no words.  They did get counseling and that helped tremendously.  Esp. with the stupid things people said to them.  The counselor helped them re-frame it and focus anew.  It takes a while to get there but the good memories we have sustain us...danged if it's not hard getting there though!  

I wrote this article ten years after the sudden loss of my barely 51 year old husband...it's of the things I've found helpful along the way.  I hope something in it is helpful for you, if not now, perhaps on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

thank you so much

[kayc]

I wish you the best as you learn to adjust to something no one should ever have to go through.  (((hugs)))