Loss Of My Mother

[Trudy1964]

Hi John,

Welcome to this site. We are all here for the same reason. I lost my Mom 7 weeks ago Sunday. I, too, am feeling all the same things you are feeling. Tired alot, can't sleep at night and I have also started having migraine headaches. The last 5 weeks of my Mother's life were dedicated to her. We put our lives on hold to take care of her. My family (husband and children) graciously stepped up to the plate and started fending for themselves. Thank God for them. When I look at it, I think how lucky I was to be able to be with her every step of the way. From June 9, 2006 until July 16, 2006 (the day she died), I spent every day with her. Almost 24 hours a day. Not many people are lucky enough to say that. And yes, sometimes she didn't feel well, but we were still also able to spend good quality time in her final six weeks. She commented several times that she hadn't laughed that much in a long time. Some days the pain is too great to see the good memories, but I know they are there in the fog. My Mother was a very strong lady. I look to her for the strength to get through this. Some days I feel like I'll make it, others I don't.

God Bless,

Trudy

Shelley,

I let my husband read a book about grieving. Since he read it, he talks about my Mom more and seems to be more aware of what I'm going through. Some days are good and some days are bad. Sometimes it still feels like a dream.

Thanks for listening and God Bless,

Trudy

[STARKISS]

Hi Trudy1964,

You are most welcome, That is why we are all here. We are here to help each other the best way we can... After all we are going through similar ways of grieving..take good care of your self and God Bless you Shelley

[Haley]

Trudy 1964

As at the beginning of this I also lost my MOM and I still to this day am very numb I had never had to deal with someone leaving me like that I was too little when my grandfather left and my neice I don't really remember but now bam its here and it does not go away. I have no idea on how to deal with it either. I have tried taking time to talk to my MOM and tried walking and working out and many other things but I have not found anything that works so as the advice that has given I take day by day and I am having a very hard time with this all cause like you guys it seems like when one thing happens there is many behind. Starting March 26 I got a phone call saying my MOM was in the hospital and 2 weeks later MOM left me her Birthday was 2 days later and than her funeral was the next day and than the next day my brother went back to New York and than there was easter and than 2 weeks after that my grandmother moved away and than really 2 weeks after that it was Mothers day and than 2 weeks later my sister moved to Maryland htan again 2.5 weeks later it was my youngest birthday and than the following month it was my other son birthday and than in August well let me see my boyfriends dad passed away and than it was my birthday and my middle sons birthday so how do I heal please tell me all this was a first for me without my MOM. I never want to celebrate mothers day or easter or my birthday again.

I feel like I am alone all the way around I became an orphan that easy and it hurts.

I love coming to this site it has jelpped me out a lot and I can talk to others and get there advice on things its great

Thanks to you all

Thanks

Haley

[Trudy1964]

Haley,

My birhtday was really hard also. The one month anniv. of her death was also very hard. Mom died July 16. My birthday was Aug. 8. My brothers b-day was Aug. 28. We all got together. But it was very hard. I kept thinking she should be here. There was a huge hole where she should have been. Someone posted on their message "Take 20 minutes at a time". That has helped me tremondously. 24 hours without her is more than I can comprehend.

I have a picture of my Mom on the back of my work ID. So she is always with me at work. This past weekend we went camping. Halfway there, I realized I didn't have a picture of her with me. I almost had a panic attack. I took out my rosary and started praying. When we got to the campground, I went in my camper and looked at the picture I have of her in there, and just cried and cried.

It's going to be a hard year for all of us. Evertime I think of the holidays coming up, it feels like I am about to smother. I just want them to not happen. Good friends, places like this, and God is what is going to get us through. My friends that I work with keep telling me I am expecting too much of myself. I also did a lot of reading on the internet about the 10 stages of grief. It didn't help me to really feel better. But, it did let me know that I was perfectly normal. Grief is grief. One day is OK. The next is a deluge of tears.

I hope this helps you as much as expressing what I'm going through is helping me.

God Bless,

Trudy

[whitony]

I let my husband read a book about grieving. Since he read it, he talks about my Mom more and seems to be more aware of what I'm going through.

Hi Trudy,

What book did you have your husband read? I would like to share. My husband is very supportive, but he also has a difficult time relating to my situation since he has not been through this. He is helpful in ways he knows how, but I don't know how to ask him to help me. He has told me it's okay to let it all out, and asks when I think I'll be past this, but it's only been three weeks and I don't think it's even started, whatever "it" is.

Anyway, I think it would help him to have a good book to read. Great idea--

[Haley]

Trudy 1964

Hey there you are so not alone in any of your feelings I am there along with all of us and it is not easy but with this site it does help and I come here alot and sometimes ramble on and on but nobody judges us and we all have a shoulder to cry on.

I am going through the time where I can not get past the though of my MOM not being here with me I am trying to not think about the holidays yet I need to get past this point first and than take the holidays on I don't want them to come yet..

I can only think about the night she left me and I feel like she will not even talk to me now that she is not here with me. I feel like she is mad at me and now this is my punishment from her for not helping her more and getting help but I did what I could and what the doctors told me to and when they said to but now I am feeling like I did wrong maybe I should have done something and once again it goes back to mer thinking od the wonderful question of

WHY

well I do not have any answers for anybody but I have an ear to listen with and advice that might help.

Thanks

Haley

[Trudy1964]

Whitony,

I read 2 books. One was just about 35 pages long. "Dealing with Grief" The other was "Grieving with the Help of your Catholic Faith". They didn't ease the pain or empty hole I have in my heart but they let me know I am normal. Everything I feel is something that someone else felt going through this. I think they helped me as much as they helped him. On the 16th of this month was 2 months my Mom passed. We also had a mass said on that day. That was very hard. Going back to church was even hard. Everything is hard without her here. I still have to remind myself I can't call her anymore. I get a thought "Oh, I need to call Mom to tell her this" and then I remember I can't. It just seems to get worse instead of better.

God Bless,

Trudy

[Trudy1964]

Haley,

I like you had a lot of questions. Did we miss something? Did we give up on my Mom too fast. Did we call hospice in too soon? Could we have done more? As I said before, my Mother lived 3 1/2 weeks after we found out she had cancer. Her 2nd trip to the hosp. (4 days before she died), the Dr. came in and told me we had a choice to make. Give her blood because she was very anemic to keep her going or let God's will be done. I was at the hosp alone. I told the Dr. I wanted to get her home. I did not want her to die at the hosp. and I wanted my brother who lives in Kentucky to come home. He gave her 1 pint of blood. She made it home via ambulance. And my brother made it in that night. After she passed, I felt like maybe I had made her suffer for a couple of days when she didn't need to. I called the Dr. who discovered her cancer. I had many questions to ask him. He was great. He stayed on the phone with me for 30 minutes. Aswered all of my questions. He told me I had to stop beating myself up. My 4 brothers and 1 sister all agree. I just felt so guilty. After talking to the Dr., I felt better. He said she should have been in great pain. She wasn't. He said that was a miracle in itself. I know God blessed us in that she did not suffer but it doesn't help to fill the void of her leaving. I miss her dearly. Somedays it's almost too much to get up and go to work. I just want to stay home and cry myself dry. This site helps me soo much. Sometimes it's easier to talk to people without faces. Thanks for listening.

Trudy

[AnnC]

That is a saying that a professor I work with says. He is a Ph.D. in the psychology of grief and dying. He says, "Cry and cry until you're dry."

It is normal to have all those "what if's". I believe we all have them, I know I do: what if I'd said or done this differently? Could I have saved him? Could I have made his quality of life better? If only I'd done more! I think it's part of our brain processing the loss and how it happened. But bigger than that, I think it is a shock to us to realize we have no power over life and death. Especially in our country, we are led to believe we can control so much about life, and that this or that pill or surgery or whatever can extend life indefinitely. But with all our so-called progress, we are not God, we do not decide when it is someone's time to die. It must be one of the hardest lessons of life.

So we endlessly go over and over what happened to see if we could have changed it. And maybe a different decision would have changed the exact day or hour someone passed, but maybe not. You did the very best you could, the best you knew how to do at the time, you made your decisions out of love. If you had your way, you would have her back alive and well and living to be 150! But you don't have that power. Remind yourself of that when these thoughts come up (and they do come up so much!)

Be gentle with yourself. Your mom would not want you beating yourself up. She knows you love her.

Ann

[Haley]

Trudy

In so many ways I feel like we are talking for each other and have the same answers NONE huh....

I also have questions like that and also on the Friday before my MOM left me one of her doctors called me and asked why I stopped bringing her in I told him that she was in the hospital all week and we just got her home and he told me that he could heal her and fix her 80% with kemo and radition and I told him what the other doctors(3) told me and he said that I should try. I talked to my other sister the one that is 1 year older than me and my brother and they said that its not what MOM wanted and she was where she wanted to be I am at alost with that. Also I have not had a good experience with Hospice in the town I live with and I tried to do what they needed and wanted me to do and I always was there and helpped out in every way and all and they just really got to me. My MOM fell out of bed and they left the covers off of her and they were laughing and smiling and telling jokes and all really I mean it I know a few people who love hospice and work for hospice but I guess I just had the lemon of the bunch.

I also am not one to go and sit and listen to some one talk about that stuff so I am better off just trying to figure it out all by my self. I am having a hard time with a few other tings also with this I am going nuts with my mind starting to think crazy things and its not easy I have tried to walk and nothing I have tried to exercise and nope and I have tried crying nope I have tried a few different things and nothing is working I am working as much as I can almost 50 hours a week and I am falling out at night but I still am not sleeping like I use to and my smiles have turned up side down and I can not pay attention to really anything else I start but I get thinking and there goes my mind.

I also like coming to this site I am not judged by anyone just the safe feeling and the advice that I can take it I want or I do not have to either and its ok.

I am not sure how I am going to make it through this at all or if I ever will and now that its that time of the year I am afraid really I have never been really afraid of anything but I am afraid. How is everyone going to get through this any ideas.

Also in the mist of this Billy the guy I have been seeing for a while well his dad left in August so now what...

Thanks

Haley

[Trudy1964]

Haley,

I wish I had answers for you. Heck, I wish I had answers for me. Last week, was really bad. I have never felt that low before. I couldn't handle anyone elses sadness but I didn't want to be around happy people either. I have never experienced sadness so deep before. As I stated before, I have been having migraine headaches since my Mom is gone. My Dr. recommended I see a counselor. So next Friday I am going to see him. I can not talk about my Mom without crying. God, I miss her sooo very much. I hate it when people say "You look like you are doing OK". They think because 2 months have passed you are supposed to be better. Wrong! My heart aches worse than ever. Thanks Haley, and God Bless

Trudy

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I am presently missing both my parents so very much and now that Thanksgiving is coming soon I miss them even more... I was at my parents house last Thanksgiving because that is where I lived until last November... I am planning to spent the holiday all by myself in a hotel room away from everyone. Who knows what will happen.... Take care Shelley

[Trudy1964]

Ann,

I was very touched by something you said. "She knows she loves you." I am so caught up in hurt and pain that I can't feel her around me. All I feel is loss. Those words keep ringing in my ear and are giving me alot of comfort. Since I read those words posted by you I am praying for her to give me signs to let me know she is with me. I'm one of the people who need proof. Well, yesterday, my wind chimes rang. There was no wind. It was her. I just know it was. Thanks for your kind words.

Trudy

[Haley]

Trudy

I have also had days that no matter what Iwas down and out and could not function. I hear that is normal ok if they say so. I also see that these holidays are coming and I feel like I have a major lump in my throat everytime I have to think about them and its hard to do so see not only have Ilost my MOM but Billy lost his DAD all in a few months of each other and so it will be me and Billy and his MOM and my 3 boys how do younot get upset I have no idea. I have my 3 boys that I have to be strong for and at times I think it is harder to be forced to be strong see I do not get to break down all the time and cry and hide I have to function everyday all day lond I am a single mom and I have to keep going at times it helps cause it gets my mind going but at times its hard cause all I want to do is fall out and hide but I can not oh well I will figure it out. I have to go on with my kids and they do no what is going on but that does not help at all the world does not stop for that huh. if you ever need to talk to somebody let me now morning noon night and you can call me I will talk to you I promise that goes for anybody I have needed somebody to talk to and shell was there for me once again thanks shell

Thanks

Haley

[Trudy1964]

Haley,

Thanks for your encouragement. I know it's hard. But posting back and forth we'll get through it. We do have to be strong for our kids and families. But remember we have to make time for ourselves too.

As for as the holidays, I'm trying to buy gifts through the internet and pretend they are not for Christmas. I want all of my shopping done before the holiday season really begins. That way, I won't have to be around people for the HAPPY hodidays if I don't want to.

Thanks for your support.

Trudy

[Penny1]

Hi Haley

What a great idea....thanks

I too don't want to deal with buying gifts and all the happy happy holiday people and their wishes....

I don't know just the thought of it makes me cranky...

Take care

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

In the way of buying gifts over the holidays, Our family did something completely different last year.. It was the first Christmas without both my parents and what we did was made memory thing and shared them with each other... It was a memory to deal with either mom or dad or both since they both passsed away four months apart from each other... It was a easier way to deal with the Christmas thing... We might even try it again this year because it was so good last year... IT helped everyone deal in their own way... I hope this helps some of you Take care Shelley